The one that got away

“Did you actually come back?”, Mary asked sceptically. They were sitting in a quiet corner of one of the side rooms, after Ava had finally given in to Mary’s insistence to just tell her what happened between her and Beatrice 5 years ago. But now she was starting to regret it.

 “Of course I came back, why would she think I didn’t?”, she growled, feeling offended.

“Because I stopped counting how many times you told me you were just going to get a drink or go to the bathroom or say hi to some friends at a party and I didn’t see you again for the next 2 hours.”, Mary reminded her drily. And okay, yes, that was a good point. She did tend to get distracted and just get soaked back into a party easily. But that was different.

“Of course I did go back. I wouldn’t have left her out there all alone.”, she said defensively. Mary laughed and affectionately put an arm around her shoulder, that Ava grumpily accepted, because she was never one to reject free hugs, even if they were just one-armed and combined with a teasing: “How very heroic of you, Ava Silva. I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that you were dying to get to know your mystery girl.”

“Fuck off.”, Ava grumbled. “She was not my anything.”

“Not, yet. I mean, I kind of know where the story goes. Just witnessed you two making heart eyes at each other half an hour ago. I just don’t know how you got here.”, Mary pointed out.

Ava groaned. “And if you don’t stop it, you will never know!”

“Fine, okay,”, Mary relented. “So what did you get your girl to drink?”

Ava decided it was best to ignore the fact that Mary had just called Beatrice her girl, even if her heart had a hard time following her decision. “Well, I didn’t know what she liked…”, she instead shrugged.

“Soo..?”

“I kind of got several different ones.”, she admitted through gritted teeth, because she knew Mary would not let this one go. She was right. Mary just comically widened her eyes, her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline. "Are you serious..?”

“Mary…”, Ava warned her, but it was no use.

“Come on, like, you hate spending money on overpriced drinks in bars and clubs. You usually get wasted on cheap booze before the party and accept every free drink you can get… My God, you already had it bad before you even had a proper…”

Ava shot dagger at her through her eyes. “Do you or do you not want to know how the night went…?”

Mary raised one eyebrow with an amused grin. “Oh, no, I definitely do.”

********************************************************************

While getting the drinks, Ava couldn’t help but feel giddy. And she didn’t even know why. Normally she would be back on the dancefloor by now, much more drunk than she was right now and enjoying being the heart of the party.

When she came back, Beatrice was still sitting in the exact same spot as before and actually seemed a bit surprised to see Ava back. Ava greeted her with a big smile, holding up the 5 different bottles of drinks she got because she had forgotten to ask Beatrice what she even liked. Beatrice’s eyes widened, but then she giggled cutely.

“I even managed to convince one of the barkeepers to give me a paper and a pencil.”, Ava proudly announced.

“What would we need a pencil and paper for?”, asked confusedly.

Ava grinned. “To write a bucket list for you, of course. Things you should definitely do now that you are free to do what you want. How else are we going to up your alcohol quota?”

Beatrice just shook her head, but was still smiling. “Fine.”, she agreed.

“Great.”, Ava exclaimed. “Then come on.” She made Beatrice a gesture to get up. “Let’s go to the lake. It’s nicer there. And more quiet.”, she explained, when Beatrice just looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. Beatrice hesitated and bit her lip indecisively. But then she nodded and when Ava responded with a wide, happy grin, she even gave her a shy grin herself.    

****************************************************************************

10 minutes later they were sitting comfortably at the shore of the lake, facing each other, the 5 bottles of drinks on the ground between them. Ava grinned at Beatrice: “Ready?”

Beatrice inhaled sharply, sceptically eyed all the bottles, but then nodded again.

“Okay, I will start easy…”, Ava assured her. “Hm… So, have you ever done something you regretted afterwards when drunk?”

Beatrice just stared at Ava. “I thought you said you would start easy…”, she muttered, before grabbing a random bottle and taking a deep gulp out of it. The way she nearly choked on it and had troubles swallowing it told Ava that she had apparently never had a Cuba Libre and it made her giggle a little. Beatrice blinked with teary eyes, but gave Ava a small smile. “Not much of a drinker.”, she admitted.

“I can tell.”, Ava replied amusedly.  “So what is the most drunk you have ever been?”

Beatrice stayed silent for a moment, clearly blushing. “Right now…?”, she then admitted. And, okay, Ava had expected her to be a responsible drinker and never overdoing it, but… “But… you only had one drink?”

Beatrice grimaced and Ava wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or from remembering the taste of the alcohol. She did stick to her answer though, which made Ava’s mouth drop open in shock and amusement:  “Oh my God, you have never been drunk?”

Beatrice seemed to want to say something, but then just shook her head. So Ava grabbed the paper and the pencil she had gotten from the bar and starting scribbling, while announcing: “So first thing on your list: get drunk.”

Beatrice just rolled her eyes, but she laughed a bit, too and that was all the encouragement Ava needed. She was going to get Beatrice drunk tonight.

“So, my turn now.”, Beatrice suddenly declared.

“Your turn?”, Ava asked dumbfounded.

“To ask you a question.”, Beatrice explained with a playful gleam in her eyes that made Ava’s heart beat faster.

“Oh.”, she relied perplexedly, before adding with an apologetic smile: Okay, but I have to warn you, I have done some crazy stuff, it will be hard to find something I haven’t…”

“Have you ever read the bible?”, Beatrice interrupted her, effectively shutting Ava up mid-sentence.

“What?”, she exclaimed in disbelief. “No, of course not. What kind of question is that even? Who in their right mind would…” Beatrice’s amused rising of her eyebrow made her stop again, before asking in mild horror: “Really?”

“Several times.”

“Why would you read the whole bible? And more than once?”

Beatrice giggled at Ava’s clearly flabbergasted face. “Catholic boarding school.”, she explained.

“Wow.”, Ava breathed out, feeling dread creep into her just by thinking of going to a Catholic boarding school – her personal version of hell. “Sounds horrifying. Is your family like really religious?”

Beatrice shook her head. “No, but really into image. And apparently Catholic boarding schools produce perfectly well-mannered, perfectly adapted and perfectly eligible young women.”

Ava observed Beatrice, how she seemed torn between a sarcastic grin and a nervous wringing of her hands. “Rumour has it that is not entirely the truth.”, she stated, trying to lighten the mood. “Rumour also has it that Catholicism’s version of perfection isn’t a lot of fun.” You look pretty perfect to me, had been on the tip of her tongue, but she swallowed it down before making things awkward.

Beatrice just replied with a soft huff, but her formerly tensed shoulders relaxed a bit and she gave Ava a grateful smile when she didn’t push the topic further.

“You still need to drink.”, Beatrice reminded her. Ava obliged with an exaggerated eyeroll. She was about to think of her next question, when Beatrice  pulled a small notebook and a pen out of her bag. She opened the notebook on an empty page and started writing something into it in clear, neat letters.

“What are you doing?”, Ava asked confusedly.

“Starting your list.”, Beatrice answered, like it was obvious.

Ava scoffed. “I am not going to read the bible! There is absolutely no way!”

Beatrice looked up. “It is really an interesting read. You should give it a try.”, she said in all seriousness, looking into Ava’s eyes with such a sincere look in her eyes that she just couldn’t say no.

 “Argh, okay,”, she relented with a frustrated groan. “Let’s compromise. What is your favourite, like, part of the bible?”

“The Book of Ruth.”, Beatrice answered without hesitation.

“Okay, fine. Put that on my list.”, Ava said and watched how Beatrice wrote the point into the notebook. “Can’t believe the first thing on my bucket list is reading a part of the bible…”, she muttered grumpily, but the giggle it drew from Beatrice made it all worth it. Once she finished, she looked at Ava again with smiled.

“Your turn.”, she softly said.

Ava was sure her next question, “Have you ever snuck out of your parents’ house?”, would force Beatrice to drink again. But the other woman surprised her by putting the second bottle that she had already grabbed back down without drinking.

“Oh, you did?”, Ava asked, not even trying to hide her surprise. And then, with a devilish smirk: “So you actually do have a rebellious streak. What did you sneak out for? A party?”

Beatrice shook her head, a subtle, but clearly amused smile on her lips.

“Oh my God, did you have a secret girlfriend?”, Ava asked in mock shock.

But Beatrice shook her head again, a light blush appearing on her face.

“Okay, spill.”, Ava demanded impatiently. It made Beatrice roll her eyes, but she still answered Ava’s burning question: “A poetry reading at our local bookstore.”

Ava, once again, could just stare at her: “Seriously?! You snuck out to go to a bookstore at night?”

She would have been scandalized hadn’t it been so utterly endearing and kind of intriguing.

“But… Why did your parents have a problem with that? Isn’t that like, really sophisticated and well-mannered?”, she joked, but with actual curiosity.

“They didn’t approve of the artists presented.”, was Beatrice’s reply. She didn’t elaborate. Instead she was staring at the floor, clearly nervous. Ava just sat and waited, feeling like pressuring the other woman would not help. It took a few seconds, but then Beatrice breathed in deeply, looked back to Ava with a half-smile and admitted: “It was a reading of works by sapphic writers.”

“Oh, so like Emily Dickinson?”, Ava asked, proud that she could name a famous sapphic writer.

That earned her an honest smile from Beatrice. “Among others, yes.”

And that’s when things had started to change, because the whole discussion had somehow ended in a conversation about Beatrice’s experiences with girls and had ended with Ava carefully asking: “Have you ever kissed anyone?” It had been meant as an innocent question, posed with an honest curiosity.

Beatrice had inhaled sharply. “Does unwillingly being kissed by Jack Taylor in third grade count?”, she then asked with a crooked half-smile.

Ava grimaced. “Jack Taylor sounds like a douche.”, she declared. “And no.”

“Well, then…” Beatrice took another sip from the drink in front of her, even though it hadn’t been intended as a drinking question.

“Do you want to? Kiss someone?”, Ava softly asked. She regretted it the moment Beatrice’s wide and oh so intense eyes met hers. Ava felt her heart beat in her throat and immediately clarified: “I didn’t… that wasn’t me… I didn’t mean right now. Or me. I meant in general.“

They were both blushing now, both looking away at the same time, clearing their throats. Ava had never felt so nervous in her life.

“Well, I don’t want to kiss just anyone, if that’s what you mean.”, Beatrice answered softly, her eyes carefully searching Ava’s again. “But yeah. If it is someone I like.” She made a pronounced break, still holding Ava’s gaze, before shyly looking away again and adding: “Then yes.” Ava had felt her heart skip a beat and her breathing stutter, torn between quiet hopefulness and an nerve-wrecking insecurity. She didn’t know what it was that made her feel this way, but there was one thing she was sure about: she didn’t want to mess this – whatever this was – up. And she feared if she gave in to her increasingly overwhelming desire to be close to the other woman – to feel her body next to hers, to gently touch her hand, to wrap an arm around her, to kiss her cheek or nose or these inviting lips she found herself staring at more often than not – she would come on too strong.

“Ava?”, Beatrice’s voice broke her out of her daze. She seemed more worried than appalled, so Ava assumed with relief that Beatrice probably interpreted her staring as just spacing out.

“Yeah?”, Ava asked in a hoarse voice.

“Have you ever paid someone as an escort?”, Beatrice repeated her question from before, not without a certain smugness in her voice.

Ava’s eyes widened in absolute shock, because what? “Noo..!??” She took a large gulp from her drink.

Beatrice tried to hide a grin by biting her lip, but it just made the whole expression even cuter and for another moment Ava could just stare at the other girl’s lips. She was so distracted that Beatrice’s next words only registered with her a few seconds after: Beatrice had asked her if she knew Michael fucking Sullivan. She was obviously paraphrasing.

“Sullivan as in Dr. Sullivan’s son?”, she asked perplexedly.

Beatrice nodded. “I once paid him to come to a couple of formal events with my parents with me to get them off my back.”, she confessed.

Ava opened her mouth both in shock and amusement. “Michael Sullivan?! I am sure your parents were thrilled.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes. “They were.”, she confirmed drily. “Medicine major. From a wealthy and highly educated background. A man. And not just any man, but one that is also easy on the eyes.”

That made Ava laugh out loud. “Easy on the eyes?”, she couldn’t help but repeat. “What are you? Seventy?”

“Shut up.”, Beatrice muttered, a blush appearing on her face. But she was smiling.

Ava found out a lot of more things about Beatrice that night. She had never failed an exam or test (no surprise there), had never skipped class (of course she hadn’t), had never called her parents an insult (she should though, they deserved it ), had never broken the law (she had hesitated though when answering that and it had made Ava curious), had never hitchhiked (she would like to though), had never stayed up all night (not even to study). There were some in-betweeners as well: She had never had a crush on a real teacher (“Most of my teachers were nuns, Ava. And no, not the hot kind. What does that even mean?!?”), but she had had a crush on Miss Honey from Matilda. She had never been in an actual fist fight, but had taken martial arts classes and obviously had physical fights there – one even ended with her having a broken nose once. She had been in detention though, twice actually (both times for reading banned books in Catholic school - once for “The Golden Compass”, the second time for “The Handmaid’s Tale”). She had also shot a gun - many times, actually, because apparently her father came from a family where it was tradition to send all your kids to military basic training. The moment that was out of the bag, Beatrice had a lot of fun listing a tons of military-related stuff that Ava of course had never done. It culminated in Beatrice asking her if she had ever eaten insects - knowingly, she had stressed in all seriousness, not the average of half a kilo of flies all people accidentally eat with their regular food each year. And urgh, firstly, Ava did not need to know that and secondly: “What the hell, Beatrice? Why?”

And there she went again: “I once participated in a multi-national military exercise in South-East Asia. It was… a mandatory part of the operation.” And that was when Ava’s brain short-circuited. Because, even though she knew that this was serious and war was horrible and she was a freaking hardcore pacifist and she hated the army with a passion, she just couldn’t help imagining Beatrice running through the South-East Asian jungle, jumping and climbing through the rainforest like Lara Croft, covered in mud and sweat, her strong muscles on display in her army tank top. And she was sure her already drunk mind would explode if Beatrice mentioned her army training one more freaking time.

“Okay, that is unfair,”, she had exclaimed in forced exasperation. “you can not just list all the crazy stuff you did in military training.”

So instead Beatrice had put it out there that she had won several competitions in martial arts and damn. “Wow, you really are a badass, huh?”, was all Ava had managed to say. The crooked smile Beatrice gave her made her heartbeat speed up again, so she quickly covered up her blush by asking her next and last question.

It had been past 4am already when they had realized it was time to go home. Ava had decided to walk Beatrice to her house, which was relatively close by, and Beatrice had insisted that Ava, who was shivering from the cold night air, would at least take her sweater for her way home.

On the way to Beatrice’s door all of Ava's cells were humming from the excitement of the night and the palpable tension in the air. She so desperately wanted to kiss the other girl, had wanted to for a while now, but didn’t want to push her into something she didn’t want or wasn’t ready for.

“I had a great time.”, she admitted softly when they were standing in front of Beatrice’s door, none of them in a hurry to leave just yet.

“Me, too.”, Beatrice whispered. And there it was again, this soft, yet intense look Beatrice would sometimes give her. The one that made Ava think that maybe she wasn’t the only one feeling this undefined something in the air.

“Well, I better get going then.”, she nervously said. “The night-bus is leaving in 15 minutes and it is my only way home if I don’t want to walk the 5 kilometers. So…” And then, before she could overthink and chicken out, she stood on her tiptoes and gave Beatrice a soft, lingering kiss on the cheek. When she pulled back, she saw that Beatrice had stiffened, her eyes wide in a mix of surprise and wonder.

“Goodnight.”, Ava quickly said and turned to leave. She had just managed a couple of steps, when Beatrice’s voice held her back.

“Ava.”

Ava stopped and turned around slowly in nervous anticipation. She didn’t know what she was expecting – a hug maybe or thank you, a scolding for crossing her boundaries in the worst case or a simple reminder to return her sweater. What she hadn’t expected was the firm, yet gentle hand on her waist pulling her in, followed by warm lips that pressed against hers in the softest kiss she had ever experienced. Ava felt her knees get weak, but a second later Beatrice’s careful hand on her waist stabilized her and her mind went blank. It was a short, innocent kiss, a mere touch of their lips, but when Beatrice pulled back, looking both dazzled and shy, Ava could just stand and stare.

“I wanted to do that all night.”, Beatrice admitted breathlessly, her face still only inches away from Ava’s. It made Ava inhale sharply. Her heart was racing and dancing at the same time. Me, too, she wanted to answer, but couldn’t get a single word out. She hoped that the way she was still looking at Beatrice in awe, her breathing shaky, would be answer enough.

They stood and looked at each other a few more breathless moments, a smile creeping on both their lips, until Beatrice broke the silence with a soft: “You are going to miss your bus.”

Ava blinked in surprise, the bus all but forgotten, and then chuckled. She was half-considering just staying, but felt like that would maybe be too much for Beatrice. So she just breathed in the tender air between them and then promised in a hoarse voice: “I’ll  let you know you when I get home.”

And then, with an awkward little wave and another short kiss on the cheek, she turned around and sprinted out of the house towards the bus. She could feel Beatrice looking after her and it made her heart sing.

She had not been prepared for this night, for Beatrice, for how someone she had barely known could so quickly become someone she wouldn’t want to miss another day of her life. It overwhelmed her in the best way and on the whole way back she was jittering with excitement. She couldn’t wait to see Beatrice again.

Only when she sat down in the night bus did she realize that she never asked Beatrice for her number.

****************************************************************************

“Please don’t tell me you never saw her again until now because you were too stupid to ask the girl for her number…”, was Mary’s first comment.

Ava scoffed. “No, of course not. I am not that useless.”

“Then what…”

They were interrupted by Lilith popping her head into the side room, looking both stressed and determined.

“Ava.”, she stiffly said. “The wedding dance starts in about half an hour. Are you ready?”

Ava just blinked at her. “Ready for what?”

“The dance, Silva.”, Lilith growled in annoyance. Uh oh, the last-naming. This was serious…

“Lil, I know weddings are stressful and overwhelming and the nerves can make your brain go a bit crazy,”, Ava tried in the sweetest, most calming voice. “but I am not your bride.”

The death glare Lilith sent her way told Ava that she said something very wrong. “I am aware, Silva. And very grateful for it.”, Lilith huffed. “But it is Camila’s wedding wish that our friends and their partners or plus-ones join us during the first song, remember?”

Ava froze and just stared at Lilith in shock. She knew that Mary was wearing a similar expression on her face, but didn’t dare to look at her. “But I can’t dance..?”

“That’s why we took a dance class together for our bachelorette party, Ava!”, Lilith reminded her, her patience clearly being tested.

And yes, now that she said it, Ava did kind of remember, but… “But that was three months ago?!?” She had still been with her ex back then, who had not been very cooperative and had constantly tried to get out off going to the wedding with her because apparently they were boring. “And I mean I hadn’t exactly mastered the whole waltzing thing back then, either…”

“No, you really hadn’t…”, Lilith agreed and ouch, why did Lilith always have to be so straight-forward? “But you promised Camila you would practice!”

“Yeah, about that…”

Lilith didn’t even hear her out, but instead threw her hands up in the air in frustration and groaned loudly: “Oh my God, Ava. Wait here, I am going to get help!” And then she was gone.

Ava closed her eyes in desperation, trying to ignore Mary’s scolding look. How could she forget the dance?

Ava had left out some parts of her conversation with Beatrice that night. Because they were private. Or because they felt too intimate to share them with another person. Or because she just didn’t want Mary to tease her endlessly about them. The whole dancing discussion had been one of those things she had purposely omitted from the conversation. She probably should have told Mary. She should have listened to Beatrice back then. She should have known to take Camila seriously when she said she wanted all of them to dance at her wedding. She definitely should have read that reminder email Lilith apparently sent her 3 weeks ago. But she had done none of these things and now she’d have to live with the fiasco that was surely going to unfold.