Chapter 14
XIV
Logan was falling. There was darkness all around him. He noticed there was nothing in his hands, and for a fraction of a second, he thought he had done a stupid, impulsive thing, and lost even that remnant of him. But then the fall took over his mind and he knew nothing else.
And then he was in a room. From the windows, warm golden light was streaming in. It was like waking up from one of those naps where afterwards you are entirely disoriented, with no sense of time or place, and your body feels like jelly and everything feels harder, more solid than usual.
But Logan wasn’t focused on these sensations. He knew this room. The walls appeared hazy and out of focus, but it was their apartment – Al’s and Mary Puppins’s and Wade’s and his. And there, right in front of him, on the bed they had bought together, sat Wade. He was not in his suit, but in a white t-shirt and pants, with a maroon cardigan. He sat with his head on his knees and his arms wrapped around himself, closed off. He could see no blood on him, nor any wounds, which brought him some relief.
Logan rushed towards him. He took three steps, and then slammed his head. He tried again, and the same thing happened. He slowly moved his hands forward, feeling the air, and they found themselves stopped by an invisible wall. It stood right in the middle of the room, separating Logan from Wade. “Wade?” He called, but there was no response. He called again, louder, but the wall was clearly soundproof. Logan pushed against it, punched it, crashed against it with his shoulders, kicked it, tried to slash it with his claws, but it was all in vain. He called Wade’s name as loud as he could, but he wasn’t hearing him. He also realized that in spite of basically smashing himself against the wall, he could feel no pain, and neither did anything happen to whichever body part he hit it with. There was just a very soft thump, and nothing got past.
He punched it again and again, repeating his name, but in the end, it was all useless. He put his head against the wall, his eyes stinging with tears of frustration, and panted. “Wade!” His voice broke. Remembering his eyes, his laugh, his grin, his smile, his jokes, his constant commentary on everything, Logan sighed and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
With his head still against the wall, he slid down. Down on his knees, Logan looked at Wade, who hadn’t moved all this while. He could see him breathing, but nothing he did or said got through. “I’m sorry,” He repeated, then turned away. He sat with his back against the invisible wall, and leaned his head back, looking up and blinking. Once the tears stopped threatening to fall, he looked down at his hands. All his own injuries were also missing. Then he noticed his own clothes – a green, checkered shirt and pants. The same clothes he was wearing that night, his first night in this world, when Wade had invited him to live with him and he had accepted. The night he had dinner with his new family, with Laura and Wade and Al and everyone else. And he remembered how much he owed him, how much he had done for him. He remembered Laura’s account of his rescue, what Wade had done, how he had acted, how worried he had been. He owed Wade his life. But more than the indebtedness, as the memories of all the time they had spent together came to him – all the breakfasts and dinners, all the walks, all the missions, all these months – he realized how much he missed him. Now, with this wall between them through which nothing passed, he missed Wade. He missed how he never took anything seriously; he missed how he made Laura laugh; he missed his banter with Al, his insult-swapping with Ellie, his cuteness with Yukio. And he missed how Wade looked at him, how he called him ‘Peanut’; he missed his voice, his jokes, his excited claps and jumps, his casual touches, his everything.
The last thing he had said to him was barely enough praise for finding Domino. “You did good.” The three words echoed in his mind, and he hated himself for saying them. Wade had done much more than just ‘good’, for him, for Laura, for Domino, for everyone. And Logan hadn’t had the courage to express that he knew. Instead, he had just turned away, not acknowledging the fact that he had been scared at the possibility of losing him, and had just said those three awful, inadequate words.
“I’m sorry for never saying what you meant to me.” He said. “I’m sorry for never showing it, for being an asshole to you. You gave me a home, you gave me…warmth. A family.” He sighed. “But I was too wrapped up in my own shit.” He looked back at Wade, who still hadn’t moved, and looked away, continuing, “You know, I told myself that I wouldn’t repeat the mistakes I made on my world, that I would be there for the people I loved, and the people who loved me. But…” He took in a deep breath. “But when it came to you, I just…I took you for granted. You were…you are the only person I met who didn’t…whom I didn’t manage to distance. You never backed down, never stopped being there for me, however much I hurt you.” He took in a sharp breath. “And I did. I did hurt you. I know.” He looked up. “All those times I ignored you, or pushed you away, or just…wasn’t there for you. I know I hurt you. And now…” His voice broke. “Now I can’t even ask for forgiveness. Now, I can’t do anything.” He slammed his fist onto the floor. “I fucked up. I fucked up, all over again. And I can’t,” His fist hit the floor with every word. “Do.” SLAM! “Anything.” SLAM! “To fix it!” SLAM!
Tears flowed freely from his eyes. Vision blurred, he wiped them again and again, but they weren’t stopping. And the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach grew, as the all-consuming feeling of loneliness threatened to overwhelm him. He thought back to how Wade made him feel, how Wade had become his anchor – always there, always helping, always ready to do anything for him. And as this feeling grew, a realization came. It was strange, how close this togetherness of a few months had brought them, but it was true. Logan knew that Wade was the one for him. He turned towards him, and saw how alone, how vulnerable and alone he looked. And he knew something else.
Through tears and broken voice, he said, “I need you, Wade. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.” He placed his head against the wall, eyes closed. “I need you. I can’t go on without you.” He hit the wall with his fist. “I need you!” He repeated. “I need you, Wade!” He hit the wall again. It reverberated gently. “I’m not letting you go!” He hit it again, his fists making no visible impact. “I won’t…I can’t…because I…” He took in a deep breath. “Because I love you, Wade,” The words brought a release, and a new strength into him. He got up. “I love you. And I’m not leaving you here alone!”
He released his claws and struck them into the wall, straining when they threatened to bounce off, but he put his weight behind them, pushing them against it, twisting them in, and he stretched out his fingers, trying to get his nails into it as well. And he called out, his voice rising, “Wade!” His claws dug deeper, and his fingers touched the wall. Something was happening. Everything shook, as he strained against the wall. “WADE!” He pushed in harder, pulling at it with his fingers. “I love you!” Wade looked up. “And I’m not. Letting. You. Go!”
And the wall broke open. There was no cracking sound, just a low reverb that spread throughout the now-scintillating wall, and it tore open, letting him in.
“Logan?” Wade said, getting up, shocked, but he could say nothing further as Logan rushed towards the side of the bed, towards him, and pulled him into a tight embrace.
“Ah…” Logan panted with emotion, his face against Wade’s neck, his cheeks wet. And he pulled Wade in tighter, spreading his fingers against his back, his shoulders, trying to be as close to him as possible, as much in contact as possible.
“Wh…how—” Wade stammered, but Logan whispered against his ear, “I heard you.”
There was a gasp as Wade realized. Logan felt his chest shake, and dug his face deeper into his shoulder. And Wade broke too, wrapping his arms around him, finally feeling what he had wanted to feel for so long with abandon. They stood like that, wrapped around each other, feeling each other’s breaths, each other’s heartbeats, every shudder of the skin, every inhalation, every sigh.
After a while, neither knew how long, they parted. Wade felt his ears grow hotter and his cheeks grow red. He looked away, smiling awkwardly. Logan simply looked at him, unwilling to let his eyes leave him. Wade noticed where they were, and stepped back.
“What…what are you doing here? You’re not dead, are you?” He asked.
“I don’t know.”
“I thought…I thought I died.” He said, looking down. “And…I thought I would…I would have to spend…”
“You’re not alone.” Logan said, holding his hand. “You’re not alone. I’m here.”
Wade looked down at their hands, then looked up. Logan was still looking at him. He looked away. “The…the others, they…they need you. There was an attack, and we—”
“It’s all taken care of. It’s done.”
“It is?”
Logan nodded.
Wade frowned. “Then…why are you…oh, Logan, what did you do?”
“I came for you.”
Wade blinked, then turned away, looking down at the bed. “Why?”
“Because I couldn’t leave you here.”
He replied, still looking away, his voice higher than usual, “Aww, I’m touched, Peanut, but…but they need you.”
“And I,” Logan put a hand on his shoulder, and said, “need you.”
He felt Wade’s shoulder tremble. “What?” He whispered, barely audible.
“I need you.”
“Why?” He asked, surprising Logan.
“Because…” He hesitated for just a second. “Because I love you, Wade.”
There was silence. Then, “You…love me?” Wade met his eyes.
“I do.”
He looked at him for a moment, then said, “Look, I’m very pro-jokes at all the wrong moments, but—”
“Wasn’t joking.”
Wade stared at him. He didn’t know how to respond, so he said the first things that came to his mind: “But…why? How can—”
That was what broke Logan’s patience. He took a step back. “Why? How? Wade, do you realize how much you’ve done for me?” He fell back on the bed, making it creak. “Do you know how much you did for me and Laura? For everyone around you? Do you know how much you mean to me?” As the words left his mouth, he realized their meaning, and added, “Of course you don’t, because the dumbfuck I am, I never told you what you mean to me.” He looked up at him. “You brought me to this world, Wade. You gave me a new life, a second chance. You…” He got up and placed his hands on Wade’s arms, making him sit down on the bed. Kneeling in front of him, his hands still on his arms, he said, “You mean the world to me, Wade. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I was…I was too lost up my own ass to realize, but I do now. And I’m not hiding it anymore. You and Laura are my world. The X-Men are my family, but you…you’re everything to me.”
Wade was speechless. Eventually, he said, looking away, “You don’t…you’re just…emotional.”
Logan looked as if he wanted to hit him, which he probably did, but he threw his hands up and sat back down on the floor. “Why the fuck won’t you believe me??”
“Because…I mean…” Wade waved his hands towards himself, covering his entire body. “Look at me. Look at these scars and…I mean…how can you…how can you love…something like… this?”
Logan was so perplexed that he momentarily forgot his anger. “You think…you think I can’t love you because of your scars?”
“Among other things, yeah.” Wade shrugged. It appeared a difficult gesture.
Logan got up and placed his hand on Wade’s neck, letting his fingers caress all the ridges and unevenness there, forcing him to look at him. “Wade, I love you. Your scars don’t matter to me.”
He moved his eyes away. “You’re saying that now, but if you had seen me without them—”
“But I haven’t. I don’t care who you were before you got them. I know you now. I know you as you are now. And you are beautiful. You,” He put his finger on Wade’s heart, “You are the one for me. You are whom I love. You’re perfect. You help me see what’s important. You make me laugh,” Wade tilted his head, and he added, “more or less.” Wade nodded. Logan went on, “You bring…I saw the world as…as black and white, and you…you brought colour into it.”
“Okay, okay, don’t repeat the plot of Your Lie in April, I’ll start crying.”
But he said, “And you make me want to go on. I won’t know how to go on without you.” After a pause, as the words sank in, he added, “Scars or no scars, I don’t care. I love you, all of you.”
Wade asked, “You mean tha—”
But before he could finish, Logan kissed him. His eyes widened, but as his lips replied on their own, they closed slowly. Their lips met, and he didn’t care about anything else. Logan’s lips touched Wade’s upper lip, and felt his lower lip being kissed in response. And then they switched, their lips sliding over each other, with Wade sucking Logan’s upper lip, liking the thorny stubble on its edge, and Logan sucking on his lower lip, hard. He took in a sharp breath as Logan sucked harder, surprising him. As the wetness spread and their mouths fit in closer, their tongues, hesitant at first, gently met, and then the contact got firm. Their tongues played with each other, feeling each other, tasting each other. Wade swallowed, never wanting to let go, and Logan held him tighter. He could feel Logan’s fingers on his neck, pushing into the skin. His other arm was on Wade’s back, slowly moving lower and wrapping around his waist. He could feel how much Logan wanted him, and he knew how much he wanted Logan. So, he kissed harder, longer.
Soon, they were both out of breath. Logan moved back, sucking hard on his lip one last time, and then reluctantly letting go. Both panted, their mouths wet, each other’s taste still on the tongues, each other’s breaths still in their lungs.
Logan was the first to break the silence. “Still in doubt how much I mean it?”
Wade’s eyes widened, his ears getting hotter. He just shook his head.
“Good.”
They stood like that for some time, both catching their breaths, both not looking at each other. Then Wade said, “Sooooooo, did I just make out with the Wolverine?”
Logan bit his lip, trying to hide his smile. He shook his head, and said, “So, how are we getting out of here?”
“I have no idea. I just made out sloppily with the Wolverine. Don’t ask me anything.”
“Fine, fine.” Logan said, turning away, smiling, feeling his own cheeks getting red. He looked at the still scintillating wall, and the hazy room. “Maybe we break it?”
“I think I’ve been here before.” Wade said after a while, looking at the ripped open no-longer-invisible wall as Logan went closer to the windows.
“You have?”
“Yeahh, in my other near-death experiences.”
“How did you get out then?”
“Not voluntarily.”
Just then, a voice vaguely familiar to Wade, deep, old and somehow comforting, echoed around the room, “Time to come back.”
And they both felt themselves being pulled back. Just before the walls darkened, and then vanished altogether, they were able to catch hold of each other’s hand. They were rising with speed, together, holding on tightly, rising through the darkness towards light. And then, with a white flash, and loud gasps, they were back in the Cerebro room.
Logan jerked up, his head splitting as the wire was removed and it healed. Wade stirred slowly, still in Logan’s arms, his head close to his chest, the helmet removed and the burned flesh healing slowly.
He opened his eyes, vision slowly clearing, and said weakly, “Holy…boobies?”
Logan pushed him upright as Wade tried to touch his bare, bloodied chest. There were several people around them, some kneeling beside them and some standing up. Wade felt several hands on him as his disorientation receded. He blinked, trying to keep the pain in his head at bay, and slowly looked around. Yukio, Ellie, Laura and Russell were kneeling in front of him, their hands on his arms, preventing him from falling back as his strength slowly returned. All four had wet eyes and worried faces. He turned his head to see Logan, who was still holding him. As their eyes met, they both knew that the other remembered. Logan smiled. Wade, who was slightly afraid that everything had only been in his head, was hugely relieved, and smiled back, as wide as his aching head allowed.
There were several more people standing further back, just outside the vault door. One of them moved forward, coming into the light. Wade looked at the nearing person, and blinked. He slowly lifted his hands and rubbed his eyes, then looked back. He wasn’t hallucinating. “Captain Picard!?” He exclaimed.
Charles Xavier smiled. Behind him, the rest of the X-Men stood, fully suited up in their signature attires, with yellow and blue and white and red almost gleaming.