Kintsugi

“Sirius! Sirius! You’re okay. You’re okay. Sirius!”

Sirius shot up panting. Remus rubbed calming circles into his back and he asked, “What happened, love?”

“Y’know the war. They got Alexander. Ophelia was- well you know. The usual.” Sirius ran his hands up and down his arms.

Remus was confused by his nonchalant behaviour, “Siri are you sure you’re okay? Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” Sirius stood up. “I’m going to start breakfast. Want some?”

“Padfoot, it's four in the morning.” Remus replied, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Great. I’ll get an early start today.” Sirius replied over his shoulder, walking out of the room.

Remus sighed and leaned backwards, resting his head on the headboard of their bed. He was deep in thought for a while before he too shot up and ran into their kitchen. He grabbed a bread knife from Sirius’ hand, “I will take that. You sit. I’ll make breakfast.”

Sirius was confused by Remus but then realised what Remus was thinking. He sighed and sat down, “I wasn’t going to.”

“I don’t want anything to trigger you,” Remus kissed the top of Sirius’ head, “because I love you lots.”

Sirius yawned. Remus smiled, “How about we go back to sleep for a few more hours? The suns not even up yet.”

Sirius retreated back to their bedroom, “I don’t want to go to sleep.”

Remus put his arm around Sirius, “We don’t have to. We can just sit here and close our eyes.”

“It was really scary.”

“Mhmm.”

“I’m so scared. What if-”

“Voldemort is not coming back, love.” Remus assured him, “We destroyed him long ago and he won’t come back.” Remus looked over to see Sirius with silent tears rolling down his face, “Sirius? What happened? You can talk to me.”

“Alexander wasn’t grown up, He was a baby. He still took him. Ophelia! She was- And then you- you!” Sirius burst out into a fit of sobs, “That could have happened Remy! That could have been real!”

Remus held Sirius while he sobbed letting him know that it was a nightmare and that Voldermort couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. Eventually the sobbing became shaky breaths and the shaky breaths became light snores. Remus made a mental note to remind Sirius to get in touch with his therapist before he too drifted off to sleep.”

…

Sirius was in his classroom setting up for his final exam, his 6th year. He always liked finishing with the 6th years because they were typically a more laid back group. He was moving desks around when he heard someone walk in. He didn’t see who it was so he immediately answered, “What can I help you with?”

“Hi Pop!” the person answered.

Sirius looked up from his work, “Hi Pup! How are you?”

“I’m good, just thought that I could come around here before my last exam.” Alex replied.

“Which is your last?”

“Herbology.”

“Oh you’ll do great.”

“Thanks!” Alex smiled, “Do you need any help setting up?”

“Sure!” Sirius showed him where he wanted things placed. They set up together for 20 minutes before Alex said, “ I should go over my notes one more time. See you later Pop!”

Sirius smiled at his son as he walked away, thankful that he was alive and safe.
…

As soon as Sirius was done with his last exam he immediately retreated up to his quarters. He was so unbelievably tired that even though it was close to lunch time and all that he was running on was a bite of toast earlier that morning, he still fell asleep.

All of his friends noticed his absence at lunch. Regulus asked Marlene to switch places so that he could talk to Remus. Once they had made their switch he asked, “Where is Sirius?”

“He’s in our quarters,” Remus lied, having absolutely no clue where his husband was.

Regulus, satisfied with that answer, replied, “Okay. Thanks.”

Remus tried to wait until lunch was over to head back to his quarters but ended up leaving 5 minutes after his conversation with Regulus. Remus quickly headed back to his quarters.

…
Alex was enjoying lunch with his friends since they were now exam free. Now that the term was basically over the new topic of conversation at lunch was the Yule ball. Which they would finally be able to attend since one needed to be a 4th year or older.
“You guys are so lucky!” Ginny commented.

“I never thought I would care so much about this stuff but it is actually quite exciting.” Hermione replied.

“I know, this is going to be amazing!” Alex smiled. The topic of conversation then moved to what everyone would wear when Alex started thinking about quidditch. The last game before Christmas break would be that Saturday. “Hey Harry?”

“Yeah?” Harry looked up from his plate.

“When are we going to fit in a last minute practice before the game?” Alex asked.

Harry looked as if all the colour drained from his face. Alex looked confused, “What?”

“So,” Harry started.

“So?”

“You sort of got removed from the team.” Harry rubbed the back of his neck, “Not permanently though, Just until second semester starts.”

“WHAT?!” Alex stood up, “SAYS WHO?”

“Your dads,” Harry admitted, “None of us wanted you off, but they insisted that you needed to be taken off.”

“Bull shit.” Alex muttered under his breath as he sat back down. Then it was Hermione who got up. “We’re going outside. When everyones done you guys come find us.”

…

“Sirius?” Remus whispered as he walked into the house.

“Sirius?” He asked again. It didn’t take him long to notice the quiet snores coming from the sofa. He was relieved to see Sirius sleeping. He grabbed a blanket and threw it over Sirius and then went to sit beside him.

While Remus rationally knew that this could be completely normal behaviour and he shouldn’t be worried, a part of him just couldn’t stop. Before Remus could stop himself he found himself slightly pulling up his husband's sleeve enough to remove any charms on them.

When he was met with old faded scars Remus sighed a sigh of relief. As he was doing the same for the other, Sirius stirred,

“Moony?” He asked. It took Remus a moment to stop what he was doing. Once Sirius realised what he was doing he began to get upset, “Moony, come on? Do you not trust me?”

“I do,” Remus began, “I’m just worried.”

Sirius, still irritated, replied, “Okay? You could have just talked to me? Like healthy communication and all that shit?”

Remus sighed, “Yes. I could have asked you and I should have. It was an irrational thought and I wanted to make sure it was wrong, because I love you. I’m sorry, Padfoot.”

“Thanks.” Sirius said, looking down and playing with his hands.

Remus noticed this behaviour. Frankly all day Remus had noticed that Sirius seemed off all day. He had an inkling that it wasn’t just the nightmare.

“Sirius?”

“Yes?” Sirius looked up.

“Are you okay?”

Sirius was silent for a few moments as he felt tears rush to his face. He looked up and tried to form words. Eventually he gave up and looked Remus in the eye and nodded.

Remus held his arms open for Sirius and once the floodgates opened he threw himself at his husband. Remus sat there comforting Sirius, whispering affirmations into his ear and holding him while he cried. Once Sirius had calmed down he took a deep breath and began to explain himself. “2 weeks before Christmas you went on a mission and it was a dangerous one. You promised to send a letter once it was safe to and you didn’t. You came home 3 weeks later. I was so scared. I was at home with a one year old and a 4 year old and I had no one to rely on if I needed help. I was all on my own.”

Remus sighed sadly. He was about to speak when he noticed that Sirius looked like he had more to say. “I’m so scared of it happening again, Rem. What if something were to happen again. What if I ended up alone again? What if-”

“None of that will happen again Siri.” Remus cut him off, “The war is far behind us. None of that is our reality now. You will never be alone again.”

Now Sirius was situated comfortably on Remus’ chest, listening to his heartbeat, “Never?”

“Never again.” Remus affirmed, “As long as I am alive.”

The two sat on the sofa together. A comforting silence falling over the room. Remus fiddled with Sirius’ hair until he noticed that he had fallen asleep. Remus picked his husband up and moved him to his bed. He then sent a quick letter to Minerva letting her know that Sirius was unable to teach the rest of the day. He then got into bed with his husband and held him close, letting his own thoughts consume his mind.

He too, had been incredibly scarred by the war. He did a lot of the recruiting missions for Dumbledore. He was also constantly sent into battle. Regulus and Sirius made good spies for pureblood families so they were kept out of the line of fire. He had always felt bad for envying Sirius. His job in the war seemed easier and safer. Now Remus realised that this wasn’t the case. Sirius was so scarred by the war it made Remus’ heart hurt now knowing the full extent of pain that it caused his husband. It also made Remus so angry because Sirius Black, the most kind hearted, loving, caring man he had ever met was broken to pieces by people's greed and nothing can reverse the damage done.

…
After what seemed like a long while of sitting in bed stewing in anger Remus got up. He left Sirius a note saying that he had some work to attend to and that he had cancelled all of his classes for him. He also said to wait for him and that they would have dinner together.

He then walked out of their quarters and began walking. He ended up by the Black Lake where he spotted Alex sitting there with Hermione. He smiled and walked over, “Hi guys.”

“Hi Dad.” Alex smiled, “Wanna sit down?” He tapped the spot next to him. Remus sat down, “So you two must be excited for the Yule ball?”

“Absolutely. I think our whole year is absolutely ecstatic!” Hermione replied.

“And just to clarify, there are no common room after parties that staff need to worry about, correct?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hermione and Alex looked between each other, unsure of what to say (since they were literally planning an after party). Remus smiled, “I’ll take that as a no. I was once a kid too.”

“Well, I’ll be leaving now.” Remus stood up, “Oh and Alex, please join me and your dad for dinner at home.”

“Sure thing Dad. See you later.” Alex smiled.

Once Remus was out of earshot Hermione commented, “That was really mature of you. I totally thought you were going to blow up at him.”

Alex stayed silent. Hermione smiled and rolled her eyes, “You're totally going to blow up at them during dinner. Aren’t you?”

Alex smiled, “Yeah,”

…

“Hi Dads,” Alex said as he walked in the room.

“Hey Pup.” Sirius smiled back at him. Alex looked down at the floor after joining him on the couch. The room was silent until Ophelia walked in the room. Immediately, Sirius and Alex light up. They got up and ran to her.

“Ophelia!” Alex said as he hugged her.

“Hi Alex.” She wrapped her arms around her brother. “Miss me?”

“Tons!”

“Hi Pop.” Ophelia wrapped her arms around him.

“Hi, Cub.” Sirius smiled, “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Ophelia replied, “How's Hogwarts?”

“Great.” Remus walked in the room, “Dinner is ready. Alex, Pads, you guys can go get started. I just wanna talk to Ophelia real quick.”

Once the two were out of earshot Remus said, “Thank you so much Cub. Your dad hasn’t been feeling the greatest as of late. Thought this would cheer him up.”

“Of course. Christmas was hard for him ever since that mission you went on.” Ophelia replied sadly.

“Oh,” Remus looked down, “I guess I’ve been left out of the loop then.”

“He just didn’t want to worry you.” Ophelia tried to cheer her dad up.

“Shall we?” Remus asked, figuring that Sirius and Alex would be getting suspicious.

“We shall.” Ophelia grabbed her dad by the arm and they entered the dining room.

“Ophelia guess what!” Alex exclaimed.

“What?” Ophelia replied, happy to see her brother so enthusiastic about something.

“Dad gave me his old bass!” Alex smiled, “And I learned the another one bites the dust riff!”

“That's awesome!” Ophelia said, “You’ve got to show me after dinner.”

“How's your internship going? Remus asked.

“It has been amazing. I’ll be on a jury for a case soon!” Ophelia exclaimed.

“That's so amazing!”Sirius smiled at his daughter.

“Hey, isn't the Yule ball soon?” Ophelia asked, “It’s right before Christmas break isn’t it.

“Yeah,” Alex nodded.

“So is there someone?” Ophelia raised her eyebrow suggestively. Alex rolled his eyes and elbowed his sister.

“There actually is someone.” He admitted.

“Who?” Sirius butted in.

“Hermione.” Alex admitted.

“I KNEW IT!” Sirius exclaimed. “Minne owes me money!”

“Are you betting on my love life?” Alex asked, shocked.

“Of course pup. Do you know who your father is?” Remus rolled his eyes.

Remus quickly moved the topic to some of his and Sirius’ favourite Yule Ball memories until Sirius spoke up, “There's a quidditch game soon no?”

Alex rolled his eyes, ‘Yes, there is. Would be fun to participate.”

Remus and Sirius looked between each other. After what seemed like a long time Remus spoke up, “Alex, we just-”

“You got me kicked from the team.”

“It’s not like that.” Sirius tried to argue.

“It is exactly like that.” Alex stood up, “You didn’t even ask me! It was my health on the line, not yours. Why didn’t you guys talk to me?”

“Alex. Whats-” Ophelia tried to ask.

“We wanted to keep you safe.” Remus explained.

“What part of lying to me is keeping me safe?!”

“Alex come on,” Sirius sighed, “You were injured.”

“Pop no! This is totally unfair!” Alex yelled, “And besides you know how much playing means to me! If you were in my position you still would have played!”

Sirius wanted to argue but eventually backed down, muttering “You’re right.”

“Yeah, so let me play.”

Remus now stood up as well, “Alexander, you will not play and that is final.”

Alex groaned and threw his hands up in the air. “You’re being unfair!”

Remus, now getting increasingly more frustrated, yelled, “How? Please explain to me how we are being unfair!”

“Dad. Come on hes-”

“Because!” Alex started, “Because, you both are a load of hypocrites!”

“Alex!” Ophelia held her arms out at him.

“Trying to be good parents and keep you safe is not hypocritical.” Sirius said, still sitting down.

“Ugh!” Alex turned on his heel, “You both are being insufferable, evil people!”

“Excuse me!” Remus exclaimed, “Alex get back here!”

“No use!” Alex screamed over his shoulder, “I’m already as good as fucking gone!”

“ALEX!” Remus yelled back at the boy who had just walked out the door. Remus sank back into his seat. Ophelia placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “He’s just being a teenager, Dad.”

“Yeah I know.” Remus sighed, “Pads. are you- Where’s Pop?”While all of the commotion was going on Sirius had slipped away unnoticed. Remus rolled his eyes, “Now I need to find Alexander.”

“I’ll go talk to him Dad.” Ophelia offered, “You go find Pop.”

“You sure?” Remus clarified, “I can get him. It’s fine.”

“Yes. I can do it. You go find Pop.” Ophelia reassured her dad.

“Okay.” Remus kissed the top of her head. “What would I do without you?”

“No damn clue.” Ophelia said over her shoulder as she walked away, “Love you.”

"Love you too."