Kintsugi

“Sirius?” Remus knocked on the door of their bedroom. He heard a very small “Come in.” and then he let himself in.

“Hey Siri.” Remus sat down on the bed. “You doing okay?”

“I’m fine.” Sirius said as he sat up, “Sorry for wrecking dinner.”

“Hey no,” Remus chastised gently, “No one ruined dinner. I think we all are a bit frustrated and took it out on each other.”

Sirius laughed, “Yeah maybe.”

“Also what do you mean by you’re fine?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “If it’s banned for Alex it’s banned for everyone.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Fine. I guess I’ve just been a little set off. Sorry.”

“I’m banning apologies from you now!” Remus half joked, “There's nothing for you to apologise for.”

“There is!” Sirius insisted.

“Really?” Remus challenged, “Like what?

“Like the fact that I’m an awful father!” Sirius blurted out.

“Sirius.”

“Moony, it was a joke.”

“Jokes are a cry for help sometimes.”

“It’s not like I’m joking about throwing myself off the astronomy tower.”

Remus glared at him. Sirius rolled his eyes, “Guess that's not a good example then.”

“Darling, the marauder in me is laughing, I swear. But the therapist and husband in me is concerned.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I hate you.”

Remus smiled, “Aw, I love you too. But for real Sirius. You are not an awful father.”

“I can’t handle any situation with Alex properly. It just turns into a fight immediately.” Sirius looked away from Remus and was fiddling with the blanket.

“Name one time.”

“Today.”

“I feel like I’m more responsible for today than you.” Remus put his hand behind his neck. “I definitely could have handled that better.”

“Then, the day Alex came out to Reg. I fucked up majorly that day.” Sirius shot back, desperately trying to back up his self loathing.

“You did not fuck up.” Remus assured him, “You were trying to protect your son.” Remus laid down beside Sirius, “And besides darling, Alex is a teenager. He’s going to do stupid stuff. He’s going to make mistakes. None of that is any of our faults. It's just our teenager being a teenager and hell at least he doesn’t take after us. Compared to us that boy is a saint.”

Sirius laughed, “Yeah. That's for sure.”

“Sirius love, you are doing a great job.”

Sirius yawned and tucked his head under Remus’ chin. Remus smiled and pushed a piece of Sirius’ hair behind his ear, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You should go talk to Alex.” Sirius said sleepily.

“No its okay,” Remus kissed the top of his head, “Ophelia’s got him.”

Sirius smiled and curled up closer to his husband before falling asleep.

Remus looked down at Sirius lying on his chest. He kissed the top of his head again. “I love you Padfoot. I hope you know that.”

…

Ophelia had gotten the map from her uncle and found her little brother in the Room of Requirement. She immediately ran there incase of anything bad happening.

Ophelia had always felt somewhat responsible for Alexander's self harm. She was the one who found him passed out in his dorm bathroom and after talking to him found out that the first time he did it was when they had a nasty fight. Since then she had always carried the guilt of hurting his little brother until he felt like he had to do it himself with her. She also felt to blame for the incident. Even though there was no possible way for her to have even found out unless she walked in on it happening, she still felt to blame. He was her little brother. She was supposed to protect him. And now even though nothing bad had happened all this guilt came rushing back as she again felt like the 13 year old girl who walked in on her brother in a pool of his own blood.

Soon she was at the Room of Requirement, she paced in front of the wall three times and was finally let in. She placed a complex locking charm on the door and looked for her brother, “Alex? You in here?”

“I’m over here.” Alex called. Ophelia quickly scanned the room and found Alex with a bunch of stuffed animals with a weighted blanket over him.

“Hey,” Ophelia sat down beside him. “You alright?”

Alex scoffed.

“Yeah bad question. What happened? At dinner?”

Alex looked down, “I dunno, I was mad. I guess.”

“Why were you mad?”

“The Dads kicked me off the quidditch team!” Alex yelled before falling backwards onto the stuffed animals behind him.

“Y’know, they are just trying to protect you. You mean the world to them. You mean the world to me.” Ophelia said, trying to help.

“But I don’t want protecting!” Alex stood up, “I want to be able to exist like a normal fucking human being! I want to play quidditch with my friends, and play matches against other houses!”

“I know, I know.” Ophelia pulled on Alex’s arms, trying to get him to sit down, “I understand you, truly, I do. But I also understand Dad and Pop. I know it doesn’t seem fair.”

“ ‘Cus it isn’t”

“Did I ever tell you about the summer Pop taught me how to fly?”

“No,” Alex replied, shaking his head.

“Well, you were 3 or 4 at the time so I doubt that you would remember. But one summer when I think I was 7, Pop taught me how to fly. And I loved it. I think I might have killed Pop’s love for flying that summer because of how much I asked him to go flying.”

“No,” Alex gasped.

“Yeah,” Ophelia laughed, “So, one day when I was flying and Pop was supervising me I accidentally fell off and broke my arm. After we had gotten back from St.Mungos Dad and Pop said that I couldn’t fly for the next two weeks. I was proper pissed right. So-”

“You went flying anyway,” Alex guessed.

“Yeah.” Ophelia said, “I went flying anyway. And I fell off again because my body wasn’t 100%. And this time I completely broke my arm. Like absolutely shattered. I was even in St.Mungos for a day. So yeah, I get wanting to do something that you can’t. And I completely understand why this seems unfair to you.”

“And I get why Dad and Pop did what they did.” Alex admitted, “I’m just so mad.”

“I’m glad you get it.” Ophelia smiled, a little bit of the overwhelming guilt leaving her. “Do you get it enough to maybe apologise to the dads?”

“Ugh!” Alex groaned and threw his head back, “Why are you so old!”

“I am literally 18.”

“Yeah, old.”

“Bugger.” Ophelia ruffled his hair.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. The hair.” Alex pushed his sister's hands out of his hair.

“How about you learn a new bass riff, real loud. Just to spite them.”

“Why you weren’t in Slytherin never ceases to amaze me.”

“Lets just go.”

…

“Alex, you know I appreciate your love for playing bass but please, Pop is sleeping in the other room.” Remus said, opening the door to see his two kids rocking out to Queen.

The pair didn’t seem to notice him (or did they) so they continued on with what they were doing. Eventually Remus got fed up with being ignored and pulled the plug on his bass amp.

“Dad!” Alex exclaimed finally looking up., “What was that for?”

Remus sighed and sat down on the bed. Ophelia took this as the right time to duck out, “I’m going to go surprise Aunty Marls and Aunty Dora. See you later Dad.”

“Okay kiddo, love ya.” Remus then turned to his other child standing in front of him. “Sit down Alex, we need to talk.”

Alex sat down beside his father and Remus turned to face him, “I’m sorry.”

“Wait- wh- what?” Alex sputtered, “Why are you apologising?”

“Because I made a mistake,” Remus replied. “That’s how it’s always been hasn’t it?”

“Yeah I guess,” Alex looked down and started fiddling with his fingers, “It’s just weird because I was being a gigantic arse.”

Remus laughed, “That's one way to put it. I am sorry though Pup. I could have handled the situation better and I shouldn’t have yelled. I was stressed out and worried and I know that thats no excuse but-”

“It’s okay.” Alex cut his dad off, “And I’m sorry too. I’m more angry at myself than I was at you guys and I’m just taking it out on you.”

Remus pulled his son into a hug, “It’s okay Pup. No harm done.”

“I wish I was just being more safe, then we wouldn’t even have to be doing this.”

“While I too wish that you were more safe with your binder, I can understand why you weren’t.” Remu said. “Y’know we can ask Uncle Reg about a binding spell he used before he got top surgery.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Remus laughed, “Frankly I don’t know why we didn’t do that in the first place.”

“I dunno.”

“And,” Remus looked at his son, “We can go talk to Poppy about you playing for the game on Sunday. If and only if she clears you, then you can play.”

“Really!” Alex asked, looking up at his dad.

“Yes, really.” Remus smiled, he loved seeing his little boy happy.
…
Ophelia had arrived at her aunt's quarters, she knocked on the door and was greeted by Dorcas, “Ophelia! How are you? Oh my darling its been too long! Come in!”

“Hey Aunty Dora. How have you been?” Ophelia smiled as she sat down.

“I’ve been good. Helping Flitwick with the choir has been amazing. Tea?” Dorcas asked as she got up.

“Yeah sure, thanks.” Ophelia said as she looked at a photo on the mantel. “You still have this photo?”

“Yeah,” Dorcas replied, “It was one of our favourites.”

The photo depicted Dorcas and Marlene in their early twenties and a young 5 year old Ophelia on Marlene's hip smiling at the camera. Just then Marlene walked in the room. At first she didn’t notice Ophelia. When she finally noticed her goddaughter sitting on her sofa she exclaimed, “Ophelia! You’re here! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Ophelia wrapped her in a hug, “It was kind of an impromptu visit.”

“You have to visit more often, kid.” Dorcas commented as she said set three tea cups down on the table.

Ophelia took a long sip, “Yeah I know. Things have just been getting so hectic with the internship.

“Oh yeah,” Marlene looked up, “How is the internship going?”

“Pretty good.”

“And what about Oliver?” Marlene then asked. Dorcas rolled her eyes and Ophelia shrank back into her seat, “It’s good, y’know we’re good.”

“Are you going to get married?” Marlene asked.

Dorcas jokingly whacked the top of her head, “Marls! You sound like a child!”

“It’s fine Aunty Dora.” Ophelia smiled.

“But for real though what is the deal with you two,” Dorcas asked, “You guys have been dating since you were Alex’s age.”

“Well,” Ophelia played with her fingers, “I want to propose.”

“OH MY GOD REALLY.” Marlene stood up, “DORA MY GODBABY’S GETTING MARRIED!”

“Calm down, I haven't even asked.” Ophelia said, her face shrouded with embarrassment. After Dorcas and Ophelia were able to get Marlene to calm down they talked a little more (and Ophelia and Dorcas got all the gossip about Hogwarts staff and students from Marlene.) Ophelia decided that it was time to head back to her parents since she promised to meet up with Oliver.

…

Alex and Remus were sitting in his room talking when they heard a scream come from next door. Remus recognized it immediately and ran to his bedroom, a panicking Alex just on his toes. When Remus got to his room, he flung open the door to find a shaking panic Sirius. He was saying something that Remus couldn’t understand so Remus took two steps closer to grab his hands. He rubbed small circles into his hands and gently asked, “What happened Sirius.”

Sirius looked around frantically, “Oh god they killed me, they killed me oh god, oh god!”

Remus looked worried, “Who, love?”

“Remy I’m dead aren’t I?” Sirius yanked his wrists away from Remus and paced while he pulled on his hair. “Oh no, no, no, no, no. That means none of this is real.”

Remus now finally understanding said, “It’s okay love, you're okay. You escaped, remember? You left that house. We got married and we have two kids, Ophelia and Alexander, remember?”

It was just then that Remus realised that Alex was still in the room with them, “Hey love can you find Ophelia and bring her here?” He asked. Alex nodded and left the room.

“Oh no! That means I left Regulus. I’m an awful brother, oh no, oh no. Reggie is dead isn’t he.” Sirius began to yank at his hair again but was abruptly stopped by Remus grabbing his wrists and holding them at his sides, “It’s okay you don’t need to do that. Everythings okay.” Remus took a deep breath hoping that Alex would return soon.

Luckily Ophelia opened the door and came back as soon as Remus tasked Alex with finding her. “Dad and Pop need you!”

She could hear muffled cries in their parents' bedroom and realised what was happening, she opened the door to the room and asked, “What's going on?”

“Can you get Regulus?” Remus asked. Ophelia nodded, not bother to waste her time with speaking and flooed. When she left Sirius began to sob and hyperventilate. “Moony I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!”

“Yes you can love, come on. Let's take some deep breaths together.” Remus said, leading Sirius to sit down on their bed. This didn’t seem to help Sirius as he was still lost in his panic attack, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I CAN’T BREATHE!” Sirius looked Remus in the eye, “MOONY I CAN’T BREATHE! HELP ME, PLEASE MOONY HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP, MOONY MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!”

Remus felt his heart break at those words, knowing that besides talking there was really nothing he could do. Sirius collapsed into Remus and he laid back, “Can you feel that Siri? That's my heart, it's calm because everyone is safe including you.”

Sirius seemed to have calmed down a tad bit now, muttering things into Remus’ chest, when Regulus and Ophelia arrived by floo. When Remus saw Regulus he tapped Sirius on the shoulder, “See Siri, Regulus is okay. He is right here and he is safe, see.”

Regulus sat down at the edge of the bed and Sirius sat up a bit, his hyperventilating now reduced to shaky breathing interrupted by the occasional sob.

“We’re safe Sirius. We both escaped together, remember? We went to the Potters. You are safe Sirius, you are safe.” Regulus said.

While Sirius heard these words he didn’t seem to believe it and his breathing picked up speed as he dug his fingernails into his forearm. Remus was confused for a moment before he realised what he was doing. “Sirius no, you don’t need to.”

“Please,” Sirius pleaded. “I need to. Please.”

Remus felt like his heart had just shattered. Remus gathered up all his strength and grabbed Sirius hand away from his forearm. He wrapped his legs around Sirius’ and leaned back, “It’s okay Siri, you’re okay. You are loved, and cherished by many. You are so loved Sirius.”

Sirius seemed to calm back down just a tiny bit and Remus realised what caused this panic attack. Because of his parents, Sirius often felt that him just existing was a burden and used to have frequent panic attacks because he was worried about disappointing or hurting other people in his life and furthering his burdensome existence. Remus continued to tell Sirius about how good he was, and all the good he brought into the world. Once Sirius had regulated his breathing, Regulus quietly walked out mouthing to Remus that he would check on them later.

Once Ophelia had come back she had joined her brother sitting on the couch. They sat in silence for a long time before Alex asked, “What happened to Pop?”

“Nothing, he’s fine Alex.” Ophelia said a bit too harshly.

“No he’s not.” Alex crossed his arms, “Dad said you can always use a better word than fine and Pop was clearly not “fine” so what happened?”

“Alex, it's none of your business.” Ophelia said.

“He is my Dad, it is all of my business!” Alex raised his voice.

“Alex please,” Ophelia pleaded.

“No!” Alex yelled, “You guys keep things from me, and hide shit from me!”

“Alex, no, it isn’t like that.” Ophelia tried to reason with him.

“IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT!” Alex dug his heel into the ground. “All you and the dads do is treat me like a child!”

“BECAUSE YOU ARE!” Ophelia yelled, her frustration taking over.

“No, I’m not.” Alex seethed, “I HAVE SEEN SHIT YOU CAN’T EVEN FATHOM! IF I CAN GO THROUGH THAT ALONE I THINK I CAN FUCKING HANDLING WHATEVER IS HAPPENING TO POP!”

“WHY WON’T YOU LET ME PROTECT YOU I**!” Ophelia blurted out, not even registering what she had said until the words had already left her mouth.

“Alex I’m sorry-”

“Piss off,” Alex walked to the door.

Ophelia, distraught on whether she should run after her brother or stay, sunk to the ground by the door, setting up a silencing charm and letting herself drown in the sound of her sobs.