Kintsugi

A couple of weeks ago James, Regulus and Lily found out the greatest news all year. Lily was pregnant! The house was bustling with excitement especially today since they were going to be going to Lily’s first O.B appointment. While Lily does live in the magical world she preferred to go to a muggle doctor because that's what made her feel most comfortable.

Lily sat down at the table and Regulus joined her soon after. “Lily I’m so sorry but I have to attend an important meeting with Minne in the afternoon and a meeting with the gryffindor head in 20 minutes, I won’t be able to come to your appointment.”

Lily, while she was upset didn’t mind because she knew that they all had a lot of work to do and she had taken almost 2 weeks in advance to be able to clear most of her day today. All she had today were her 7th years at 10:30 for half an hour and then she would dismiss class early to leave. “Its okay darling, I understand.”

Regulus stood up to leave and quickly kissed Lily on the cheek. “I’ve got to get going now. I’ll see you after your appointment?”

“Yeah.”

“Love you Lily.”

“Love you too Reggie.” Lily looked around to find James after Regulus left and then saw him stumble out of the bedroom. “Hi love.”He mumbled, his voice still thick with sleep as he wrapped his arms around Lily.

“Hi.” Lily replied softly. She then saw the clock on the wall. “I’ve got to go to work. I wanted to brew some stuff and then I have my class in two hours.” James hummed to let her know that he had heard her and then went to the kitchen to go make some coffee. Lily got up and went to the bathroom to finish doing her makeup and to get changed. While she was getting changed she was faced with her worst nightmare at the moment.

There was blood everywhere. She was so scared and mortified and upset she didn’t know what to do. She sank to the floor and covered her mouth to make sure no sound would escape her mouth. She couldn’t let James and Regulus find out. They were so excited and she had let them down. She cost them their baby. She lost her baby. Her baby was going to grow up in a loving household that made sure that the baby was loved. She was going to take them to school, possibly teach them at Hogwarts. She had even picked out a couple names for them. But now she ruined all of that. She made all of those fantasies what they were, just a fantasy when they could have been reality. She was supposed to be the one to love and care for the baby. She was supposed to protect it. It was her job and she fucked up, she fucked up big time.

After sitting on the floor for who knows how long Lily decided she needed to get out of there. She quickly finished getting ready and slipped out the door. She looked around for James who thankfully was in Cynthia’s room. She ever so quietly put on her shoes and slipped out of the door and she started walking. She walked straight past her office, classroom and found herself walking to Remus’ office.

…

It was quite early in the day for Remus to hear a knock on his door. He had come down to his office to take some notes before his day started which didn’t end up starting until 10:00 that day. He was enjoying some tea before he started working when he heard Lily knock on the door. He got up and opened the door to an extremely distressed Lily who was on the verge of breaking down any second now.

“Lily?! Are you okay? Why are you here? I thought you had class today?” Remus asked hurriedly, he then quickly added, “Come in, sit down.”

Lily walked in the room and sat down on the sofa Remus had in his office. She held her head in her hands as Remus took a seat in a chair next to her. Lily silently sobbed into her hands for what seemed to be forever until Remus softly asked, “Lily what's wrong?”

She sobbed for a couple more seconds and then looked up. She grabbed a pillow and held it close to her chest. “I fucked up Remus. I fucked up bad.”

Remus, still confused, pried more, “Sorry, I’m going to need a little more than that.”

Lily stared at the floor for a while before speaking so softly she was barely audible.
“I got pregnant.”

Remus was confused, “That’s good is it not? You three told me you guys were going to try sometime soon, no?”

Lily took a deep breath and let a few tears fall before saying in a voice so quiet, “I lost the baby.” After that Lily erupted into sobs. Remus was so sad for his friend. He took his wand out to quickly lock the door and put up a sign saying that he was dealing with an emergency and gave a list of contacts if there was something urgent. He then slipped his wand back into his pocket and went to sit down on the couch with Lily. He wrapped his arms around her. Remus did also provide mental health help for teachers as well as students he most of the time would not give hugs. Lily however was a long time friend and one of the few exceptions to this rule.

Lily leaned onto Remus. Remus fiddled with her hair and whispered affirmations into her ear while she sobbed. Eventually she started talking, “It’s all my fault Remus. I was supposed to protect them. It’s my job and I couldn’t do that. I lost my baby.”

His heart broke for his friend. He and Lily were always close since they were arguably the two most normal (Don’t tell James and Sirius)of the marauders and co. They told each other everything and became very good friends; when fighting with Petunia got really bad she used to vent to Remus about it and after the prank Remus used to vent to Lily.

“It’s not your fault.” Remus corrected ever so gently, “You could not have prevented any of this. You did everything that you could do right. You did a great job.”

Lily shook her head, “How do I tell James and Reggie? We were all so excited. They’ll be so disappointed in me-” Lily was about to continue before she was cut off by Remus.

“They will not be not disappointed in you because it's not your fault. If they do let me know and I will personally come over and hex the hell out of them.”

Lily giggled a little before being consumed yet again by her solemn and scary thoughts, “I was so excited Remus. I had names picked out and everything. I loved that baby and I only found out about them a week ago.” Lily paused, “Why is life like this? She asked before burying herself into Remus. He fiddled with her hair again and replied, “Life fucking sucks sometimes and sometimes its really hard. It's not fair. I know it may be isolating and scary right now but I promise you that no matter how destroyed you feel that this is just a blip in the road. You’ll feel better soon. It may be tomorrow, maybe next week hell, maybe it even takes a year before you even start to feel better but you will. It may feel like shit right now but I promise you that it will not last forever. You are deserving and you are so amazing. I promise you that right now you did everything just right.”

Lily sighed before sitting up straight. “How am I supposed to tell James and Regulus? Oh! And I have to cancel my appointment! Oh god I have so much to do and frankly I don’t have the energy to do any of it.”

Remus thought for a minute, “What if we tell James and Reg right now? I can call them here and I can ask James to leave Cynthia with Dorcas and Marlene. Would that be something you would like?” Remus suggested.

“I would love that. But Reg is in a meeting.” Lily replied.

“Well,” Remus started, “I know someone who has some sway with the gryffindor head.”

“Oh thank you Remus!” Lily exclaimed, her face lighting up for the first time that day. “You would do that?”

“Of course.” Remus walked over to his desk and wrote two letters and they flew out the door. “Sirius hates meetings anyways.”

“Remus?” Lily asked, her voice small yet again.

“Yes Lils?”

“Can you stay?” Lily started, “When I tell them?”

“Sure thing.” Remus smiled.

…
After about 10 minutes Regulus was standing outside of Remus’ office. He was nervous since the letter Remus sent didn’t include much detail and his door still had the sign stating that he was handling an emergency up. He took a big breath and knocked on the door. Remus poked his head out of the door,

“Hi Reg. Come in”

Regulus walked in and saw Lily curled up in an armchair and James sitting on the sofa. Remus took his seat at his desk.

“Sorry I was late. I needed to drop something off at my office after I excused myself.” Regulus said, breaking the silence.

“So, what's going on Moony?” James asked as he looked at Lily who was fiddling with the tassels on a pillow and staring at the floor.

“So,” Remus began, “There is something very important that happened but it is not my news to share. Lily? Would you like to tell us what's going on?” He paused and then spoke again directing this to Lily, “Take all the time you need.”

Lily took a deep breath and spoke extremely quietly. So quiet that nobody could hear her.

“Lily?” James asked, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you.”

“The baby!” Lily said, louder this time. “I lost the baby!” After she said that she tucked her head into her knees and sobbed. Her sobs were so pained and full of grief it made Remus (Who prides himself on his therapist poker face) cry.

James immediately got up and sat on the arm of the chair Lily was sitting in. He kissed the top of her head and whispered something in her ear. Then the two moved on to the floor and Lily cried into James’ shoulder and he sat there whispering comforting words and affirmations into her ear.

Regulus however, wasn’t able to take the news as well. He was in shock, not sure if he should cry, scream or something else. He stood there as he watched his wife break down. He tried to keep the tears down but when he accidentally met eyes with Remus the water works were triggered. He silently cried letting the tears roll down his face but not letting any sounds escape his mouth. His mind was racing a million miles a minute. He was trying so desperately to calm himself down that he didn’t noticed Remus walk over to him and put his hand on his shoulder,

“Regulus?”

Regulus jumped, “Yes.”

“Are you okay? Would you like to talk about this with me? Or somebody else?”

Regulus finally caught his breath after being scared out of his thoughts by Remus, “I’ve got to go. Tell Lily I’ll talk to her in a little.”

Before Remus could say anything Regulus left. When the door clicked closed Lily looked up. “Where did he go?”

“I don’t know,” Remus replied truthfully, “He said he had somewhere to go.”

That sent Lily into a fit of sobs. James was confused but then Remus understood. He kneeled down so he would meet Lily’s eyes who was still sitting on the armchair.

“Lily, he's not mad. He’s probably feeling a lot of things. But I can guarantee you that he isn’t mad.”

James held Lily close and then whispered to Remus. “What are you on about?”

“SHe was worried you would be mad.”

“Oh” James exclaimed, maybe even a touch louder than he should have.

Remus looked around for a moment and checked a piece of paper. “Hey James I’m going to slip out. Marls has a class right now so I’ll stop by and hang out with Dorcas for a while then I’ll take Cynthia to my place. You can stop by and pick her up whenever.”

“You sure?” James asked, “You can leave her here if you want.”

“Of course I’m sure.” Remus smiled, “I love hanging out with my niece.”

…
Regulus ran to Sirius’ office which thankfully wasn’t far from Remus’ office. The door was locked so he pounded on the door. Sirius got up and answered the door immediately, worried because something really awful must have happened for someone to pound on his door like that. When he opened the door he found his younger brother who was on the verge of having a breakdown.

“Reggie! What's wrong?” Sirius asked as they entered the room.

“They died.” Regulus whispered.

“Who did?” Sirius asked, his heart starting to race.

“Lily’s baby.” Regulus managed to croak out after what felt like hours.

“Oh Reggie.” Sirius said softly, you could hear his heart break for his brother. He pulled him tight into a hug.

Regulus sobbed in Sirius’ arms for a while. After around an hour they sat down and Regulus leaned against his brother.
“I feel like I’m losing everybody I love.”

“What do you mean mon etoile?” ( My star) Sirius asked.

Regulus smiled a little; Sirius rarely called him that anymore. He continued, “You know how Uncle Alpard died.”

Sirius nodded.

“After we went to the funeral.” Regulus took a breath, “Ever since he died I felt like I was going to lose everybody I cared about, since he was one of the only people I liked in our family.” Regulus’ breathing started to get more erratic. Sirius held him and whispered, “It’s okay; just breathe with me Reggie. You’re okay, you are safe.” They stayed like that for a while until Regulus continued, “Yeah, so since we went to his funeral I feel like my life has reeked of death. I was so scared to lose someone and it just felt like this looming threat hanging over my life. Now I found out we lost the baby. I was so excited. We were all so excited.”

…

Sirius ran his hand through Regulus’ hair. They sat together in silence before Regulus shot up, “FUCK! I’m an awful husband.” He ran his hand through his hair and walked out the door with Sirius on his heels, “Reg what do you mean?”

“I left Lily Sirius!” Regulus cried as he hurried to his quarters, “I left her when she was going through one of the worst moments of her life.”

Sirius was finally able to catch up with Regulus. He then got in front of him, “Reg, I understand you want to be there for Lily but you’ve got to understand something; you are not bad for not running to Lily’s side. You also went through a traumatic and upsetting event and if you needed to leave to process that then you should.” Regulus sighed and rolled his eyes. Sirius chuckled at the teenager-like response he was given by his younger brother.

“You’ve got to take time for yourself okay? You can’t help others if you haven’t helped yourself first.” Regulus smiled and rolled his eyes and continued walking, this time at a pace that Sirius was able to keep up with.

Once they reached the doors of Regulus’ quarters, Regulus turned to Sirius, “I’ll be fine. You should go to work.” Sirius silently nodded; not fighting his brother knowing that he should save as much energy for this as possible.

Regulus took a deep breath and opened the door. He was greeted by the sight of Lily sitting on the couch with James by her side. He haphazardly walked towards them and sat down. James gave him a glare that read both are you okay and why did you do that. Rather than entertaining James’ questions he pulled Lily in close. She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his chest. After a couple of minutes Lily looked up at Regulus and asked, “You aren’t mad?”

Regulus pulled her back into a hug, “Why would I be mad, my love?”

“I lost our baby.”

Regulus’s heart broke. He held Lily closer and whispered in her ear, “You did everything just right my love. I love you all the same.”