Mercenary work wasn’t exactly pleasant, but at least Wade had two well adjusted, easygoing roommates to come home to.
Whatever Logan and Al did while Wade wasn’t home was none of his business. He figured that most of their day consisted of old people things- remembering the dinosaurs, watching TV in black and white, talking about when cocaine was legal and medicinal. Sometimes, they’d tell him about it over dinner. It was usually fairly standard stuff.
Today, though, he didn’t need to wait very long to find out.
Wade practically kicked in the door, tired of using his hands. He was no stranger to tiring workdays, and even his healing factor didn’t fully erase the exhaustion weighing on him. He would never ask Logan to fight, even if he didn’t really mind doing it- partially because of some noble something-or-other about being nobody’s soldier, but also because sometimes he didn’t feel like splitting the profit.
Man, and had he earned that profit today. All Wade wanted to do was pull on some non-bloodstained clothes, throw on reruns of Kitchen Nightmares, and jerk it until he fell asleep.
All of that was thrown out of the window about 2 minutes in.
Logan was on the couch, which wasn’t uncommon. What he was doing caught Wade’s eye, though.
“Hey, babygirl, Papa’s home. I didn’t know you could read.”
Logan frowned harder at the tin in his hands. He didn’t respond. Wade leaned over the back of the couch, shelving his exhaustion for the pleasure of messing with Logan.
“Whatcha got? Finally need performance enhancing pills? Hey, I bet if you let me take a crack at it we could fix that-”
“Shut up.” Logan swatted vaguely at the air in Wade’s general direction, still not looking at him in favor of studying the label.
“No? Well, if you want to keep your pristine reputation intact, fess up.” Wade leaned up off the couch to loom over Logan expectantly. He didn’t buckle.
“Al gave me a gummy. Never had one before. I don’t feel anything yet.”
That was when Wade’s evening went from good to great.
“When did you take it?” His voice bubbled with barely suppressed joy.
“About a half an hour ago.” Logan finally put the tin down, only to be met with Wade’s delighted smile. He scowled. “It didn’t work, so I took another one.”
“Another one?!” Wade was beaming. “Oh peanut, you shouldn’t have. My birthday isn’t even coming up!”
“Shut up.” Logan practically snarled at him. “Al already told me. I’ll be fine, I’m not some kind of lightweight.”
“Mmmmmmhm.” Wade purred, sashaying around the couch and plopping down next to Logan.
“And have you ever smoked before?”
“Yes.” Logan replied defensively.
Wade was undeterred. Bloodstained suit forgotten, he leaned forward, both hands under his chin. Logan was looking more fed up by the second.
“When? I’ve never seen you partake in any of our devil’s lettuce.”
Anyone who hadn’t hung around Logan for a long time wouldn’t have noticed his expression shift. Wade, however, had. There was the slightest hint of sheepishness behind the scowl.
“A few times. In the sixties.”
Wade didn’t think his smile could get any wider.
“Ohh, my bad then, Stonerine. Didn’t realize you were an OG. You and Cheech and Chong toked up back in the day before the anti-war protests, huh?”
Logan got off the couch and turned to walk away.
“Fuck off.”
“Oh, this is going to be fun.”
—
A few hours later, Wade had taken a different approach. Logan had immediately clammed up when Wade made fun of him, so Plan A had gone back into effect. He showered, changed, and collapsed back onto the couch next to Logan- who was pretending unsuccessfully that his pupils were not the size of dinner plates.
To be fair, he still wore the trademark frown, even if it was strangely vacant. He also wasn’t quite looking at anything. The TV was off. Mary puppins snoozed peacefully on her dog bed in the corner. Al had dragged a basket towards the building’s laundry room about 15 minutes ago. The apartment was as close to quiet as it could get. Still, Logan studied the corner of the living room with an intense scrutiny.
Wade was silent for a merciful moment, testing if Logan would break the ice first. He didn’t even appear to notice that Wade was there.
It wasn’t like Wade to be quiet for long.
“How you feeling now, honey badger?”
“Hamgurber.” Logan mumbled, not taking his eyes away from whatever he was staring at.
Wade took a deep, shuddering breath and held it.
“Y-Yeah?” His voice- and the couch- quivered.
“Yeah.” Logan agreed.
Wade balled his hand into a fist and bit down on it.
“What about it, champ?”
“I…” Logan finally looked up, absent gaze meeting Wade’s overjoyed eyes. “...want one. Get… the door people.”
“...Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve cracked him. Who knew, it wasn’t consistent alcohol poisoning, 200 years of trauma, and a timeline hop, all it took was a double dose of THC.”
Logan shook his head insistently.
“Run… run the… door.” He put a pleading hand on Wade’s leg. “What do you call it.”
“Sweet baby jesus, are you talking about Doordash?”
“Yes. That.”
Mary puppins raised her head in concern at the thump Wade made as he fell off the couch howling.
—
One substantial McDelivery order later, they were back on the couch, grease-stained and licking salt off of their fingers.
“Fuck that’s so good.” Logan spoke through the entire hamburger crammed into his mouth. “I’ve never been so hungry.”
“Oh, peanut, you have no idea. Once, I cleared the chamber a few times, next thing you know I’m snarfing down one of those 4 foot Big Y party subs like it’s my boss’s hog and I’m trying to make rent.”
Wade didn’t think he could enjoy a stoned Logan any more than he already was, and yet somehow he was even more thrilled when Logan laughed- a real good one too, head thrown back- and the remnants of his hastily scarfed burger came flying out of his mouth.
There was no more chewing for a solid two minutes as the both of them doubled over, the apartment ringing with their laughter.
“Ohh, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. God I wish I had gotten those security cameras.”
Logan leveled a delayed glare and an unstable finger at him. “You can’t tell anyone about this. Got it, mmmouth?”
“Oh princess, as desperate as I am to do just that, I don’t think anyone would believe me. And I doubt you’ll corroborate my tale.”
Said princess shook his head. “I’m takin’ this with me to the grave, bub.”
“Well, I’ve exhumed you once for a good story. I’m not above doing it again.”
Logan rolled his still-dilated eyes, then did a double take. “I- you- what?”
Wade waved him off. “Not important. What is important is how you’re feeling right now, WolverGreen.”
“Shuddup.”
“I’ll admit that wasn’t my best. The question still stands, though.”
“I’m…” Wade could see the mental status report being slowly delivered to headquarters. “…fine. I told you I would be.”
All it took was a pause and a smirk. “Yeah?”
Logan snorted a laugh for no real reason. It was wildly uncharacteristic of him, and Wade loved it. He couldn’t help but wonder if he did it more often in another universe.
“Yeah.”
“O-kay honey badger, whatever you say. As long as you’re still in this dimension and not claws-deep in my snack stash.”
“You have a snack stash?”
“Have you met me? I could be strip searched and still 2 bags of chips on me by the end of it. It used to be a little easier to find, but when you moved in, I had to hide it from your nose, too.”
Logan scrunched said nose and took a deep inhale through it.
“Good luck, you weird sexy bloodhound. It’s extremely well hidden.”
“Mmm. For now.”
“God, you’re so hot when you’re spiteful. Hey, I got a few places I could stick some snacks and have you sniff em out, yknow.” Wade winked.
The ferocity of Logan’s responding glare was slightly undercut by him trying to get rid of his cotton mouth.
“Shut up.”
“Ohhh, there he is! You’ll be back to your usual grunting in no time. Next time, though, I say we try some stronger stuff. How’s your reaction to catnip?”
“You’re lucky I can’t stand up or I’d be kicking your ass right now.”