Take Me Back

Steve was on his best behavior the whole while they trekked back to their apartment, he even let Bucky tuck him into bed like when they were kids and Steve had gotten pneumonia. Bucky new it wouldn't last, but he played along while Steve pretended that he was going to be the perfect patient, but if he thought that was going to get him out of talking, Bucky wasn't going to let that happen.

"Steve, when was the last time you ate something? Are you hungry at all, think you could stomach some food?"

"I don't, maybe something light?"

"Sure, I could make you some soup, that okay"

"Yeah Buck, something warm sounds nice"

"Why, you cold? I could get you some more blankets?"

"No, I'm good, I just like the idea of something warm"

Bucky nodded and slipped out the room and off to the kitchen. The moment Bucky was out of the room, Steve let his head fall back, closing his eyes. His pulse had not stopped racing since the moment that Bucky said he had some questions for him. He felt like a child who was waiting for his parents to get home to scold him. He was not sure why he felt like that, it was not like he had done anything particularly wrong, he just was not completely honest with Bucky about what the last few years had been like for him. He only did that so that Bucky would be able to heal without any distraction, how could he be mad at that?

His fingers were twitching as he laid in bed waiting for Bucky to return, he had no doubt that as soon as all the ingredients were in the pot, Bucky would come back to check on Steve. Would he want to talk then? What exactly was he going ask Steve, maybe he would be able to not disclose everything to him. The twitching turned to shaking the more he worried, the shaking began to travel up his arms and down his legs, he felt like his there was no oxygen in the room. That must have been from his punctured lung, although he had this kind of injury before and did not experience anything like that.

Steve tried to focus on getting his limbs to still before Bucky walked back, if he saw Steve laying in bed shaking and struggling to breath, he would for sure call the doctor. Steve was done with the doctor for the day. The more he tried to pretend that everything was normal, the harder it became to breathe. He wanted to roll on his side away from the door, but the pain in his ribs was too much to allow him to move. The shaking in his legs was irritating the healing bullet wound there, and he was afraid that it would start bleeding soon if he did not get it to stop.

There was a chill in the air, but to Steve there was always a chill, ever since waking up from the ice. No one knew that about him, be he never felt like he could be warm enough, and as he struggled to get enough oxygen in his body, the chill started to intensify. By now, he was practically gasping for air, all the sounds round him blurred together, and he forgot where he was. The white paint on the ceiling turned to ice as the images of water enveloping him took over.

"..VE.."

"..EVE"

"STEVE!"

There were hands on his shoulders, pulling Steve out of the water, but it was not fast enough, he was going to pass out.

"....breathe"

"...Steve...breathe"

The voice was so much like Bucky's, but he was dead, and that was Steve's fault. That was why he was even in the water, he failed his best friend, he wad not going to fail the world though, he had to stop the bomb.

"You are okay. You are safe"

No he wasn't, Steve is never safe. Someone is always trying to kill him, but he would rather it be him than someone else.

"Please...come back to me"

The voice that sounded like Bucky was so completely broken that Steve could not stand to hear it. Real or not, he had to go to that voice, he had to comfort who ever was speaking to him. He used every last once of strength to focus on the voice.

"Hey, look at me Steve. That's it, good job. Now I need you to focus on breathing okay?"

There was a hazy image of a person in front of him, but it was still Bucky's voice speaking, so he listened. His lungs burned as he tried to take a deep breath, and the air immediately left him.

"That's so good Steve, give me another breath"

Again he sucked in as much oxygen as he good, most of it flowed back out but a little made its way to his brain, his vision getting a fraction clearer.

"You are okay Steve. You are safe, go ahead and take another breath for me"

This time Steve felt like he was actually taking in air, he began recognizing that it was more than just Bucky's voice talking to him, it was actually Bucky.

"Bu..Bu..Bucky?"

"Hey pal, it's me. I'm right here okay? Just keep breathing"

For several more minutes Bucky offered him praise and encouragement to keep breathing, as he did, Steve came back to himself. When he finally started to feel like he was breathing properly, shame blanket him.

"Bucky, I'm Sor-"

"Hey, no, no, no, none of that. How about you tell me where you are right now, hm?"

"What... Um...my bed?"

"Yup, that's good, and where is your bed?"

"In my...our..apartment"

"Great, take a deep breath for me", Steve followed instructions.

"Do you know why you are in you bed?"

"The mission. I was hurt... you...um"

Deep breath, Steve told himself.

"You are taking care of me"

"Yeah pal I am, how you doing, you back with me?"

"I think so"

"Okay, take your time, keep on breathing"

As Steve breathed, he realized that Bucky was no longer standing next to the bed leaning over him, but he was sitting down with his leg near Steve's head. He didn't know why, but he wanted Bucky to shift closer to him so he could rest his head on his leg. Bucky must have saw something in his eyes, because in that moment he started carding his fingers through Steve's hair.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both listening intently to Steve's breathing. It was incredibly familiar to how they would wait after Steve had an asthma attack and Bucky would make him lay down until he thought Steve was breathing right again.

"You doing okay?"

Steve was feeling tired, so he nodded his ahead instead of answering him back vocally.

"That's good. Let me know if it starts again, okay?"

Steve just shrugged, Bucky was acting like this was normal? Sure, he seemed pretty freaked out when he first came back in to the room, but why is he acting as if Steve hadn't just been gasping for breath like he was drowning on dry land? Bucky must have heard what he was thinking, because he tapped his forehead with his finger in a chastising way.

"Hey, don't get in your head about this, it was just a panic attack."

"What?"

Bucky looked down at him quizzically.

"A panic attack, you have heard of those right?"

Steve shook his head no.

"Oh, no Steve", Bucky sighed, "has this ever happened before?"

"Um...no..."

"So, yes?"

"I-"

"Steve."

"It happened, once before"

"When?"

Steve closed his eyes, he would love to lie right now, but he knew he would not get away with it.

"That day you gave me the journal"

"Steve, is that why you were not waiting for me when I got home?"

Steve just shrugged.

"Come on, talk to me, please"

"I don't know. I had gotten home from lunch with Sam and I felt weird. By the time I got to my room I was loosing track of time and couldn't breath right. I don't know what happened or how long it was, but when I started breathing again, I was really tired. I thought I had more time before you got home, so I took a shower to calm down. I guess you were already home though, I'm sorry"

Bucky was silent for a time, thinking while still carding his hand through Steve's hair, which admittedly felt really nice.

"If I had know I wouldn't have given you the journal then"

"No. Buck, you needed to do that. I'm glad that you told me"

"That's not what I mean. But if I had known you weren't doing well, I would have waited. Steve that was unfair of me to hand you something so heavy right after you went through that"

"It's really no big deal"

"Steve, it's a huge deal. I love that you want to always be there for me, for anybody, but it's not always a good idea to take on someone else's problem when you are struggling yourself. No one person can handle that"

Steve just shrugged again, closing his eyes.

"You said you felt tired after last time, do you feel that now?"

Eyes still closed, Steve shook his head yes.

"Do you know what caused it?"

Another shrugged, making Bucky sigh gently.

"What were you thinking about just now, before it happened?"

"Um... you?"

"Okay, what about me?"

"You wanted to talk"

"Ah, I said I had some questions and you worried about telling me all the things that you have been hiding from me, like having a panic attack"

Steve didn't move, he made no sounds.

"It's okay Steve. I know it's hard, being vulnerable. Trust me, it's not fun, but that's how we move on from shit, work through our problems"

"I don't have any problems Buck, you should be worried about you"

Bucky froze, looking down at Steve, who was looking anywhere but at him.

"Punk, that's got to be the dumbest thing you have ever said to me, you're joking right?"

"Bucky please, it's been a long day I don't want to do this right now"

Bucky just stared at him some more, but eventually gave in with a sigh.

"Okay, we can talk more tomorrow. Your soup should be don't soon anyways"

Steve practically fell asleep while Bucky left to get two bowls of soup. Once he returned and saw how worn out Steve was, he had the overwhelming desire to just spoon feed him. He shook his head at the thought and opted to gently guide Steve into the best position for him to eat, and took a seat on the bed next to him. They ate in silence while watching whatever random show was on when they turned on the TV. Steve had fallen sleep almost the second he handed his empty bowl to Bucky.

Bucky stayed there for another hour or two, just waiting to see if Steve would wake up in pain. When he decided it would be safe to leave, he did not want to. He placed a quick hand on the side of Steve face before leaving the room.

"What am I going to do with you kid?"