Take Me Back

Bucky had a hard time sleeping that night, every little sound that echoed through their apartment sounded like Steve moaning in pain. He tossed and turned for hours before his body finally allowed him to slip under, only for another sound to wake him up only minutes later. Eventually Bucky must had fallen asleep for good, because the next thing he knew, there was sunlight pushing in to his room through the curtains.

Having decided that it must be a respectable hour for him to get out of bed, Bucky entered the living room, surprised to find Steve sitting on the couch, deep in sleep. He approached Steve quietly, giving him a gentle shake on the shoulder.

"Hey, wake up punk"

"uuggmmm...hmmph"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but you gotta wake up buddy"

Steve had his head leaned back on couch, but the rest of his body was rigged with tension. Bucky placed his hands on either side of Steve's face and gently guided his head up.

"Come on there Stevie, it wake up time"

"Hmmm? Wha...?"

Steve wasn't opening his eyes, but he was responding to Bucky's movements. He thought it would be probably be easier to get him back to bed while he was still out of it and not fighting him. Bucky squatted down next to Steve, throwing one of his arms over his own shoulders, and allowing Steve's head to come rest on him as well. Slowly, he stood up, forcing Steve to follow.

"aaahhh...uugggh"

"Shhh, shhh, shhh. I know punk, I'm sorry, but we gotta get you back to bed"

Slowly, Bucky managed to get Steve back into to his bedroom and on top of the bed. He wasn't laying down, more like leaning against the bedrest, but at least it was better than the couch. Bucky decided to take advantage of Steve still not being fully aware to check on his wounds. He had large, irritated, red patches of skin on his stomach and legs, luckily none of the stitches had pulled and caused more bleeding. The serum meant that Steve was not at risk of the cuts getting infected, but Bucky still had the urge to cover them in antibacterial cream.

"Bu..Bucky?"

"Hey punk, you awake now?"

Bucky replaced Steve shirt and pulled his attention up to meet his eyes.

"Um, yeah, I think so. You been here long?"

"No, I just found you passed out on the couch and got you back here. What were you doing out there?"

"Water", by the way he said it made Bucky believe he never made it the kitchen. Sighing, Bucky left the room, only to return moments later with a large glass of water, and handed it to Steve.

"Thanks"

"You know your not supposed to be getting out of bed"

"I was thirsty"

"Yeah, and I could have gotten that for you"

"You were not here"

"I was just across the hall, you could have yelled or called for me"

"I didn't want to wake you"

"Steve, please, don't do that. Wake me"

Steve just shrugged before finishing off that last of his water.

"I'm serious Steve. Besides, you wouldn't have woken me up, I barley slept last night"

"Oh, Bucky, I'm sorry. I know how important sleep is for your recovery. You really should be getting a full night's sleep"

Bucky just stared at it him. Bucky wasn't sleeping much when he first got to the tower, and even less when he started therapy. He did not think it was a big deal, until his therapist asked about his sleeping habits. She suggested that lack of sleep could be contributing to why his memory was having a hard time recovering. So, he made a plan, with Steve's help, that he was getting at least 6 hours a night, it was not necessarily how long he was supposed to be getting, but even that little amount consistently helped him so much.

Bucky was a lot better about his sleeping habits, even managing to break 7 hours on the rare occasion, and that is an important part of his recovery, but that fact that Steve seemed more worried about his sleep schedule than the literal bullet wounds in his stomach, broke his heart.

"You don't need to worry about my sleep Steve. If you need me, get me, that simple"

"Buck, I'm fine really. It's more important that I don't disrupt your recovery than, all this. I have dealt with worse injuries than this on my own"

"No, Steve. That's not how this works"

"Buck..."

"No, shut it. Listen to me for a sec. Are you not telling me things because you think I'm going to have a set back?"

Silence. Bucky's question was met with silence and stillness, Steve did not even blink.

"Steve, I need you to answer me. Are you putting what is happening with me above you to the point that you are refusing to admit that something maybe wrong with you? Are you willing to let yourself fall apart at the possibility that it may not be good for me?"

Again, silence

"Because if you are Steve, so help me god", Bucky stopped to take a deep breath before continuing, "if you are, you should at least be telling someone else. If you are going to be that boneheaded about me, you can at least let someone else know what's wrong"

"Nothing is wrong Buck", Steve's voice was so small that Bucky almost didn't hear him.

"You had a PANIC ATTACK, over me saying I had questions for you. Steve, you can not lie to me, please", Bucky practically yelled.

His eyes were so full of sadness as Steve began to shrink back into the cushions. Again, Bucky took a deep breath, this was not going well and him getting overheated and emotional was not going to help. He ran a hand down his face, nodding his head.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry I raised my voice. How about, I go grab you some fruit and another glass of water for breakfast, and than we try this again"

There was no answer from Steve.

"Steve, please, at least tell me if fruit is okay, or if you want something else"

"Fruit is fine"

"Okay, I'll be right back"

Bucky slowly left the room, he made it all the way to the kitchen before he felt a tear slide down his face. He took a shaky breath before pulling his phone out to send an email. When Bucky first found out Steve was hurt, he called his therapist to cancel the week's sessions until he had a better idea on what Steve's recovery would look like. Knowing that this would be stressful, the doctor offered that he could make a virtual appointment during his usual time slot if he felt like he was getting overwhelmed. Bucky was kind of disappointed as he emailed the therapist that he needed that virtual session, because he was hoping to be able to make it the week without therapy and prove to himself that he could do it. However, he had not anticipate what was happenig with Steve, and there was no doubt in his mind that whatever was being kept from him was big.

After the message was sent, and he received an immediate reply with the information he need to connect online, Bucky began gathering the fruit. He wasn't very hungry, and he was sure Steve wouldn't be either, but maybe having something to hold will make this conversation a little easier. He made his way back to Steve's room with two bowls and two glasses of water, which normally would have been easy for him, but his shaking hands made him surprised he did not drop anything.

"Here ya go, eat up!", Bucky tried to sound playful to lighten up the mood, but from the look Steve gave him, it wasn't working. He figured it was best to just dive right in and not let Steve stew in worry.

"Okay, let's try this again. Steve, I know you are not okay, I know something is wrong. I also know, that you won't talk to me, but are you at least talking to someone else?"

Steve closed his eyes, shaking his head no subtly.

"Okay, can you tell me why?"

"It's not important"

"Steve, it is the most important. You have a team here to support you, you have me. You are so important to all of us, and if there is something wrong we want to help you. Even if you think it is something so minor, because minor things can become major if they are ignored"

"It's not..."

"It's not what?"

"It's not... I don't know Buck. I'm handling it"

"But you're not, Steve"

"Just because I have a couple of off days, doesn't mean that I'm not handling it"

"Are you though? Just having a couple of off days, or have you been ignoring this for so long that it became your new normal?"

"I don't know what you want from me"

"I want you to talk to me! I want you to be okay, and when you are not okay, I want to help"

"I don't know where to start"

"How about what happened on the mission? Sam said you were acting strange, that you went against the plan, that true?"

Steve was quiet for a moment, but he looked like he was thinking through what he wanted to say, so Bucky just waited for him to be ready to speak.

"I'm not sure what happened out there. We had found a hydra base, and the plan was to blow it up. I found some stuff, and I got angry. Then Sam said they had back up coming and there wasn't time to place the bombs. But, Bucky, I had too, I had to blow the base. They were...I just had too. And when it was all over, so many of them were trying to get back into the base, I didn't want to let them go"

"What did you find Steve?"

"They were...They had..."

Steve looked away, his breathing was picking up a bit and he needed to calm himself down. Bucky sat patiently as he gathered himself.

"They are testing a new serum. I had to destroy their work"

"Oh, Steve."

"I couldn't let them do to anyone else what they did to you. And Bucky, what if they got their hands on you again, I couldn't bare to fail you again"

"Fail me? Steve, when have you ever failed me?"

"It's my fault"

"What is your fault?", Bucky's voice turned to venom as he was pretty sure what Steve was about to say, and he was going have to restrain himself from punching him for even thinking it.

"Everything"

"Steve-"

"NO! I mean it Buck, everything. You never would have been on that train if it were not for me, you wouldn't have fallen if I had gotten to you faster, or was strong enough to pull you back. Hydra never would have gotten you if I hadn't decided to not go looking for your body. Everything bad that has ever happened to you is because of me. Everything that you wrote down in that godforsaken journal is on my hands"

Bucky's heart felt like it couldn't shatter anymore, how was Steve holding all that guilt over things out of his control? He did not give him the journal to blame him, but so that Steve could know everything that happened to him, so that he could understand why he is so messed up inside. So he had all the fact to decide if he wanted to stay.

"You said you hadn't read the journal...when did...you didn't?"

"That night, before the mission, I read it so many time I probably would have had the whole thing memorized even if I didn't have an eidetic memory"

"Steve, why did you still go on the mission after that?"

"Because I have a job to do, people to save"

"There is no way you were mentally capable of going on mission after that. I mean, did you even have to time to sleep a decent amount"

"I didn't, sleep"

"STEVE!"

"The mission was unexpected, I had to"

"What else?"

"What do you mean?"

"Steve, my therapist could even get past the first page before throwing the journal across the room. I know it was more then a sleepless night"

"I might have gotten a little sick"

"So, you are telling me that you stayed up the entire night before, getting sick while reading about the worst moments in your best friend's life, decided that you were to blame, then went off on a mission that was about the same group of people that did all those horrible things, and did not tell your team?"

"Um...yes?"

"And now, you are laid up in bed with multiple bullet wounds. Perhaps there is a connection?"

"Bucky-"

"No, Steve, you willingly and knowingly put yourself in unnecessary danger because you are too afraid to talk to someone"

"It's not that bi-"

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence. It is a big deal, you can not be this reckless. It stops now, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Bucky."

"Good. Now listen up, because you really need to hear this. You say that it's your fault, that everything that happened to me is because of you, that's bullshit. Hydra is the one who did this, not you. You say it's your fault I was on that train, well it was also your fault that I was even alive still to be on that train. The military was going to let me and the rest of those POWs stay put till the end of the war, but your one man rescue act saved me.

You say Hydra got their hands on me because of you? Well the only reason that I am standing here right now is because of you. You may think that you are the reason for all the bad in my life, but the way I see it, you are at the center of all of the best moments. Steve, you are my best friend, I am who I am because of you. I can't stand that you don't see that"

The two of were locked in on each others eyes, neither dared to blink.

"You can not keep this stuff in anymore. I know this all didn't just start when you read that journal, I know that you have so much that you are hiding in that head of yours Steve. I know that you are scared that I can't handle it, that you have to be strong for me, but that's not true. I have someone to talk to when I get overwhelmed, or everything hurts too much. But, I get it, if you don't want to talk to me that's fine, you just have to talk to someone"

"Buck, I can't"

"Yes you can, I know that it is not easy, but it helps. Steve, I really think you should go to therapy, actually I know for a fact you should be in therapy, but I also think you need to talk to your team. You are their leader, that need to know where your head is at"

"So, you are saying that they shouldn't trust me? I'm too broken to be their leader"

"Now you know damn well that is not what I said. I am saying that this last mission could have killed you, and you may not get so lucky next time. Maybe, if the team knew what was happening, they can help you when a mission hits a little to close to home, so it doesn't get you killed"

So, what if it did? Steve thought bitterly, and by the look Bucky was giving him, he wasn't sure if he said that out loud or not.