Take Me Back

Steve Rogers was a dead man, he knew it from the moment that Bucky walked into his room with a shit eating grin. He did not know what was about to happen, but he recognized that mischievous look in those eyes, and knew that it meant trouble. Steve opened his mouth to speak, but Bucky was quick to cut him off.

"No questions, just come with me".

And with that, Bucky turned on his heels and walked back through the door, leaving Steve no choice but to follow him.

Since they had their moment together where Bucky had talked to him about his sessions, and given him the journal to hold on to, Bucky was having more good days. Steve not want to ask to Bucky, worried that it might sound dismissive of what he went through, but when he mentioned this to Sam after he had returned, Sam thought it had to do with the fact that Bucky was not holding everything in. He told Steve that all of his worry and shame that he had was like a heavy weight that could have been holding him back. However, when he told Steve what was going on, and gave him the journal, he was allowing Steve to take on some of that weight, he was able to breathe easier. Sam said all this with a look that meant Steve was supposed to understand some hidden message behind that statement, but he was too distracted by the relief of seeing Bucky getting better.

Bucky walked fast, he had always walked fast, but Steve had always assumed that was because of how little he was, but even after the serum, Steve had a hard time catching up. Bucky was leading the two of them out of the apartment in to the elevator, which he had to hold open to wait for Steve to get in to. The whole time Bucky was silent, but he seemed unable to stand still as he shifted his weight back and forth.

"Come on Buck, what's going on?"

"Hey, I told you no questions"

Steve let out a humph, but keep quiet as the elevator climbed up. Steve had taken this ride multiple times, he knew exactly where they were going, but why was Bucky taking them to the roof? The closer that they got to the top, the more restless Bucky got, he seemed to be vibrating with excitement. Whatever was going on, Bucky seemed proud of himself, and that was something Steve wanted to preserve for as long as possible.

The elevator let out a ding, and the doors opened to the roof, just as it always looked. Steve wasn't sure what was going on, but Bucky was walking again, and thinking too much about it would only get Steve left behind.

They came around to the far right side of the roof, Steve never spent much time on this side, because there was not much over there. The out door lounge was just outside the elevator, and the garden was to the left. However, as they approach, Steve could tell that something was added to the area. Before he got to close, Bucky came to a stop, turning around to block Steve's line of site.

"Did you know that every time you are near anything with dirt you trace pattern's in it?"

"What?"

"Ever since we were kids, I would always noticed when we would play outside, you always had your finger in the dirt drawling a picture. Funny thing was, you were never looking while you did it, I never knew if you even realized that you were doing it"

"Um, no I guess I never knew. Buck, what does this have to do with anything?"

"I like to come up here when I am feeling overwhelmed, or am feeling trapped and need fresh air. The first time I saw it, I didn't even recognize what it was, but after a few times, I started noticing"

"You, started noticing what?"

"The patterns Steve! In the dirt by the flowerbed, I figured you must be coming up here when things were too much as well. You probably came up here to get out of you head for a while, did even know you were leaving behind your mark"

"Oh, Buck, I'm sorry. I can find somewhere else to go, you need this more then I do"

"Punk, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You come up here to get away from it all, you don't want me leaving reminders that get in your way. It's no problem. I can got for a jog or something to get fresh air, you need this more then I do"

"You know, I ought to slap you"

"What?"

"Steve, first of all I don't deserve anything anymore than you do, so get that shit out your head. And second, you think I would drag you all the way up here to ask you not to come back? That seems a little bit backwards don't ya think?"

Steve just shrugged his shoulders, he was really lost about what was going on. Bucky gave him a slight shove to the shoulder.

"The answer is no punk, didn't think I needed to say that"

"Then, what are we doing out here?"

"Yes, right, you ruined my moment. Anyways, after I realized that you were coming up here too, I thought it would be nice for you to have space to do you art up here. I know you always preferred to paint outside because of how messy it was. So, I got some help from Tony and..."

Bucky stepped aside to reveal what looked like a miniature outdoor art studio. Steve wandered around, finding a temperature controlled cabinet that house multiple expensive paints and some blank canvases, there was a tall easel with a small shelf attached to if, there was a low rising table of to one side, and a comfy looking couch off to the other side. Everything was underneath a large tent that blocked out the elements, but still allowed in plenty of fresh air and natural light.

Steve felt emotion well up inside of him, everything was beautiful, and the fact that Bucky did this for him was almost too much to handle. He plopped down on the couch, reaching for one of the fluffy pillows, crushing it to his chest. Bucky was hesitantly sitting down next to him.

"Steve, everything okay?"

Steve just nodded, trying his best to smile at his friend so he wouldn't worry. In truth, Steve was basically fine, he was overjoyed by the kindness that Bucky showed him, and everything that was added to his little space was perfect. Bucky slowly reached an arm around his friend's shoulders.

"Okay Steve, your okay"

They sat like that for a few seconds, at the time Steve did not realize, but that was the longest that then two engaged in any physical contact since Bucky had come back. Steve leaned into Bucky's touch, but then instantly shoot back up into a ridged posture.

"Hey, hey, Steve it's okay"

Steve took a few calming breaths, before turning towards Bucky with, what he hoped, was a convincing smile.

"Thank you Bucky, this is great"

"Yeah, no problem. But, Steve, are you okay?"

"Yes, of course I am okay Buck, why wouldn't I be?"

Bucky just stared at him, whatever look Steve was giving back, must have been way less convincing than he thought. With a sigh he figured he was going to have to be somewhat honest with Bucky, just a small truth.

"I'm fine Bucky, really. It's just, I don't really drawl or paint anymore"

"What? Steve, I see you come and go with that sketch book and those pencils all the time"

"Yes, but I don't actually do anything with them. I go and I sit with them, roll the pencil around in my hand a little bit, but I just don't have much inspiration to create anything"

"Oh"

"It's not a big deal, I still love art, and I love this space you created. I am incredibly grateful that you did this for me. Maybe that will help inspire me start up again"

Bucky's hand was now resting on the back of the couch, it twitched like it wanted to reach out to touch Steve, but he controlled himself. Steve had pulled away from his touch, maybe he did not like it. Instead, Bucky opted to play with he edge of the cushion with his fingers.

"Steve, are you sure everything is okay?"

"Yeah Buck, why?"

"I don't know, you just seem really jumpy. I mean you were always itching to get into a fight before, but now you almost seem afraid of your own shadow. And look, I get it, you have gone through so much, you probably are a different person than who I knew, and that's okay. I would be a hypocrite if I said it wasn't. But, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay"

"Yeah, I'm good man."

"Okay, cool", they fell into a comfortable silence for a few moments, before Bucky pressed in again.

"It's just if you were not okay, you could tell me, you know?"

"Yes, Bucky, I know"

"So you would tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"If you were not okay"

"Oh, yeah, sure"

"That's not a vey convincing answer Steve"

Steve was tired of playing this game, if Bucky did not want to believe him, then that was on Bucky, not him. He pushed himself up to his feet, walking to the elevator door. What Bucky called after him made him stop in his tracks.

"Did you read it yet?"

Slowly, as if he were approaching a skittish animal, Steve turned back around.

"Is that what this is about? Are you worried that I read it and have decided that I don't want to be there for you anymore?"

Bucky looked away, almost ashamed.

"Buck, I told you there is nothing that you could have done while under Hydra's control that would stop me from helping you"

"So, you did read it?"

"Um, well, no. I have not read it yet, were you hoping that I had?"

"I'm not sure, but you will, right?"

"I will, I just am taking my time that's all"

"Okay, that makes sense"

"Did you want to head back inside with me?"

"Um, no. I think I am going to stay out here a little bit longer"

"Okay, thanks again for all of this Bucky, it really means a lot to me"

Steve smiled and turned to head to the elevator, when Bucky's voice stops him, again.

"And Steve, I meant what I said, about you telling me if you were not okay. I know that you did not go to therapy when you first got here, and you know how stupid I think that was. But, Steve, I'm a little worried about you. I look at you, and there seems to just be this darkness surrounding you, I don't like it. You deserve so much more than that"

Steve can't bring himself to turn around and look at Bucky, he just calls back, "you have no need to worry Buck", before slipping into the elevator and heading back to their apartment.

Yeah, Bucky was absolutely still going to worry, if anything, he was more worried now.