Alarm Bells Ring
When Steve entered the apartment, he felt drained of all his energy. He couldn't shake the feeling that he ruined something for Bucky, he had been so thoughtful to put that together for him. Steve wondered about the kitchen, looking for something to clean, or dishes to tidy up. His mind kept wondering to that journal, he told Bucky that he was just taking his time to read it, but in reality, he did not want to even look it. Steve had read through all of the files that were uncovered from Hydra bases, but he knew there was going to be so much more, and it was Bucky that had written them. Steve could practically feel the weight of guilt the journal carried, he knew those pages would hold horrors that were worse than the files, and that scared Steve.
Bucky's therapist had reached out to Steve after he had been entrusted with the journal. It had scared the shit out of Steve when Bucky had walked in to his room, saying that he had the doctor on the line and she had wanted to talk to him. Luckily, it had just been her explaining to Steve why she did not want Bucky holding on to it, and if Steve ever had any questions about how to best support Bucky, that her door was always open.
To his credit, up on the roof was the first time that Bucky had brought up the journal. Steve had expected him to ask about it pretty often, but instead, Bucky had seemed more like a weight had been lifted from him. Steve had no doubt in his mind that there was nothing that could be in that journal that would change his mind about Bucky, but he also wasn't sure he could take his heart breaking anymore by learning about a new way that Bucky had been tortured. However, he did make a promise to Bucky, he needed to get over himself and read it.
Steve kept the journal hidden in the back of the closet, somewhere that would be close by, but not out in the open that he would constantly have to see it. Once he had collected in, he sank down on to his bed. He was not sure that this was the right time, but he also figured that there never would be a right time to read about you best friend committing heinous crimes against his will. At least Bucky was still on the roof, Steve was not sure he could handle reading this with him nearby.
He started by just flipping through the pages, Steve noticed how the handwriting changes through out, some of the lettering was shaky and hard to read, others are dark and thick, as if Bucky was pressing down on the paper with all his strength. At first glance, Steve picked out words and phrases from the stories that he recognized, but he noticed that even those had extra details that Steve did not know. With a deep breath, Steve prepared himself for a rough day.
~~~~~~~~~
It was a not good, in fact, reading that journal was the hardest thing he could do. But he did not just read it once, he read it again and again. He kept reading it until he could get through the whole thing without getting sick. He read until the heartbreak turned to guilt, until the guilt turned to anger, and until the anger turned into a mixture of all three emotions.
Steve found himself sitting on the tile floor in the bathroom, staring back at his reflection in the mirror. He looked rough. His skin was pale and damp with sweat, he looked like he just went ten rounds in the ring, instead he had spent the last few hours going back and forth between reading and throwing up. A quick glance at his phone told him it was well into the dead of night, Steve thought the best way to move on was to salvage as much sleep as he can for the night.
Unfortunately for the Steve, it was not a restful night's sleep. He was plagued by nightmares of being tied to a chair and forced to witness as Bucky had his memory wiped over and over again. He screamed as the electric flowed through his friend's body, until it finally stopped. Steve sighed in relief that it was over, but Bucky turned to look this with cold dead eyes. Fear spiked in him as the Winter Soldier came stalking up to him, alarms were blazing around him, as if even Hydra had lost control of the weapon that they had made.
Steve woke up before anything happened, but the alarms were still sounding. He realized that the alarm was coming from his phone, which was odd, because he did not remember setting one before going to sleep. Steve sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes and checked his phone, it was not an alarm clocki going off, but an alert from Tony. There was a mission.
Since Bucky had moved into the tower, Steve had been exempt from missions, there were plenty other Avengers who were perfectly capable of protecting the world for a few weeks without him. However, once Bucky has started improving, he had encouraged Steve to get back to work, that he would be fine on his own if Steve had to go on a mission. Steve had almost forgotten that he and told Tony that he was ready to go back, but it seems that there is a threat.
Standing up on tired legs, Steve shakes the last day out of his mind, there are people that are in danger, and they deserve to have him undistracted. Bucky was standing in the living room when Steve emerged from his room, he must have heard the alarm and came out to see what was happening.
"Hey Buck, sorry to wake you. I have to go, there is a mission. I am not sure how long it will be, or what kind of contact I will be able to make. But, I will tell you everything I can as soon as I can"
"Please be careful Steve, try not to get too banged up out there"
Bucky watched as his friend rushed out the door, he could not shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.