Learning to Breath Again
The asset woke up in an unfamiliar room, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. Taking a deep breath, he slowly sat up and took a calculated look around. The asset, no, he was not the asset anymore. He inhaled deeply again, he was James Buchanan Barnes, he has not been the asset for a while now, but his memory was always more hazy after waking up, and this unfamiliar setting was not helping. His eyes darted about the room, hoping to find something known to latch onto, they fell instantly onto the sleeping blonde in the corner of the room. Steve, despite everything, seeing Steve again helped settle him. The longer he stared at his friend, the clearer his memory of the previous days became. When Bucky first felt the presence of Steve chasing after him, he had done everything to shake him off his tail. He wasn't fully there when he pulled Steve out of the Potomac, he was running off of adrenaline and instinct, which was what drove him to save he man that was his mission. At first, Bucky did not know who the blonde was that was chasing him, he feared it was hydra coming for him. As the chase continued, and Bucky's memories started coming back, he no longer feared Steve catching up to him for his own safety, but he was afraid of the danger he presented for Steve. Along with, though he never would admit this to Steve, he felt ashamed, not just because of the horrors that Hydra made him commit, but because Bucky had not been strong enough to fight them. In order to stay ahead of Steve, and the man that travelled with him, Bucky need to know what moves they would make before they did. So, he always could figure which hotel, motel, or abandoned house, that they would stay at before they got there. There was one morning, Bucky had woken up in a particularly strange mood, the night before had been riddle with the same nightmares as usual, but there was an almost cruel hope that underlined them this time. Bucky had predicted that Steve would be in the area by the end of the night, and he decided to give him one more chance. If Steve hadn't given up on him yet, then that was as clear as a sign as any that he was not going to ever give up, and Bucky was not oblivious to the strain this chase had on Steve. He sent a message to the motel he knew they would be at, still not trusting that he would be able to just step out of hiding. By the time Steve found him, he had almost forgotten that he even sent the code, so few good things had happened to him that he couldn't trust that this was real. However, by the time he had laid down in the soft bed of his, apparently, new room, there was enough of himself that started to believe that he fell asleep almost instantly.
Bucky continued looking at Steve, the rush of emotions that came when his memories sharpening could be overwhelming, but he felt that same moment of hope watching Steve sleep. He must have felt the heaviness in Bucky's stare, because at that moment, Steve began to stir. The chair was probably one of the most comfortable looking chairs Bucky had ever seen, but he still felt a pang of concern that Steve was going to wake up stiff. With another shift of his body, Steve finally opened his eyes. Bucky couldn't help the small smile that spread on his face at the sight of those blue eyes looking back at him, though he sensed a slight sadness in the look. Bucky shrugged it off as just another emotion in the overwhelming sea of conflicting feelings they were both no doubt experiencing. "Hey punk", Bucky knew that Steve was going to sit in silence until he spoke first, and Bucky really did not to dwell on the awkward moments. Steve let out a chuckle, "good to see ya jerk", he stood up with no sign of the stiffness that Bucky had feared. Bucky stood up to meet Steve, for a moment they just stared at each other, but just like after Azzano, Bucky pulled Steve in for a hug when no words would be enough. However, unlike back then, Steve did not seem so content with just holding on, after a tight squeeze, and a sudden shudder, Steve pulled back, avoiding Bucky's eyes. "Well, um, I suppose you would want a moment to settle", he took a second to clear his throat, but kept talking when Bucky tried to interject, "the kitchen is fully stocked, if you are hungry, take whatever you'd like. If you need anything at all, you can ask Jarvis, he is the voice in the walls, just say his name and he will answer. I have to take care of somethings, but I will be back before dinner. The team typically will eat together, but if you don't want to join that's completely fine. I will let you be", Steve was still looking everywhere but directly at Bucky as he turned to leave. "Steve!", Bucky called after him, luckily he stopped and turned, but Bucky wasn't sure what to say. He felt odd that after all this time, Steve seemed to be running away from him. As soon as the thought entered his mind he shook it off, Steve was most likely trying to give Bucky space, so he just smiled at him again, "I'll see ya later punk". Steve nodded in acknowledgment, but practically ran out the room, leaving Bucky to ponder what to do next.
Steve did not even make it two steps off the elevator before Sam was in his face, with that annoyingly kind look in his eyes, the one that said "I know this is hard, but your are going to be okay, as long as you deal with your shit", which would be nice, if they both didn't know that Steve never dealt with his shit. "I'm heading to the gym", Steve pushed past Sam before he could ask any questions. That anger was building in Steve again, and the last thing Bucky needed was for Steve to blow up on anyone. He was surprised that Sam let him go without any protest, that was until he entered the gym to find Nat and Clint were already there. Damn it Sam, Steve thought, he did his best to slip over to the punching bags without being detected, but he knew that was not going to work. The two allowed him to get a few hits out before sauntering over to him, they did not say anything, just moved their conversation over to Steve's space. It was a silent invitation to talk if he wanted, and he did not, however he also did not feel like he could go as wild on the punching bag has he planned on. Doing his best to stay in control, Steve tried to drown out his thoughts and placate his anger. He thought back to the night before, how he stayed up to watch over Bucky as he slept, he had intended to slip out in the morning before Bucky woke up, but Steve had fallen asleep after only a few hours. However, in those few hours he had been awake, he observed how uncomfortable Bucky seemed. Any small movement he made caused a wince on his face. Even in sleep, Steve could tell how Bucky favored his shoulder. Steve couldn't keep his eyes off that metal arm, it made him want to either scream or weep that his friend had so suffer so much in life, because of him. Steve felt vibrations ringing up his arm after a particularly strong hit on the bag in front of him. The sensation brought him back to himself, and he realized that he had no idea how long he had been lost in thought. There was a dull pain in his hand that signaled that he was getting close to over doing it, not that Steve cared much about that, except he had an audience that would care. He took a moment to breath, which Nat took as her cue to hand him a towel, which Steve gratefully took with a smile. As he wiped the sweat off his face, he felt her eyes burning holes into him, he let out an exasperated sigh as he lowered the towel to glare at her. Most people would back off if they were faced with a glare form Captain America, but Nat just laughed at him, "Steve, you know that won't work on me". Steve just rolled his eyes, but in a more playful manner than he had intended with his glare, because she was right, he didn't even know why he tried. "So", she continued to press, "how is he?", Steve did not have much of an answer for her, he knew Bucky would not want him going around telling everyone that Steve was worried about him, but at the same time no one would believe that there was not a need to worry after everything that he went though. Steve opted to just shrug, which Nat seemed to accept as an answer, but that might have been only because that was not the question she really wanted to ask, "and, how are you?", he knew that she would ask, but a small part hoped she wouldn't. "I am fine Nat, I am just relieved that he is here", Steve glanced at Clint, who seemed content with not pushing the issue at the moment, "hey man, just want you to know we are here for you if you need anything". Steve nodded, he was touched that his team cared enough about him to ask about his state of mind, but he knew that he didn't just need to be strong for Bucky's sake, but that he would be letting the team down if they knew what was in his mind most of the time.
Growing up, Steve was always trying to prove himself, it wasn't just that he felt less then, but he actually was. He wasn't as tall as the others, he wasn't as strong as the other boys in his class, even though his ma used to tell him he was perfect the way he was, Steve always thought about how much better he could be if he was healthier. Bucky would slap him on the back of the head if he ever caught Steve looking down on himself, he used to tell him that it did not matter that he couldn't throw a punch as hard as the others, what mattered was that he was the kind of guy that would still throw the punch to protect someone else, knowing that it would end badly for him. Bucky used to tell him that he almost wished he was a little bit less of a good person, just a bit more selfish, so he would stop coming home with black eyes and bleeding cuts. Steve knew that his life was limited compared to everyone else, but that he wanted to make it count, no matter how short it was. He was typically not bothered by people making fun of him, but when they called him worthless, or implied that he was wasting his life, it always got to him. Becoming Captain America gave him the opportunity to make his life matter, it even gave him the opportunity to dream about a future. Steve liked to believe that he was making something of himself as Captain America, but he also felt like a fraud most of the time. He was just a guy who let someone inject a medical experiment into him, he had no training and the title of Captain was just a stage name. However, after he had pulled off a few Hail Mary missions, he had been placed in a position of leadership. He then got himself frozen in the middle of the ocean, only to wake up in a new century and, again, placed in a position of leadership. Surprisingly, Steve would admit that he felt he was doing an okay job with the Avengers, though he did not know if that had anything to do with him, or because the team was so incredible on their own. Steve feared that if the team knew about his insecurities, that they would loose trust in his leadership. Steve escaped the gym before he could be interrogated anymore, hoping to find somewhere to be alone.