Meet my melancholy blues

Sirius chapter

23rd June 1980

The smell of burnt leather filled the room.

It was impossible to escape.

Sirius knew that the smell came from the leather collar he had just discovered.

Fabian had rescued a small common Welsh green dragon from a mental wizard who was breeding dragons in a small London flat.

When Fabian arrived at the sickos' flat, he found the baby dragon tied up in a cage that was way too small for him.

So now the little dragon was outside in the garden of the building until they found a place to set him free.

Sirius had struggled for a good hour to remove the collar, as it was leather of good quality but it was also hurting the dragon terribly. In the end, he had managed but with a couple of scratches on his knees.

He inspected the collar. The smell was quite something. Not one that Sirius preferred. To be honest, he loathed the smell, and he blamed the year 1976 for that.

But it really was leather of good quality. And he was one of the biggest leather lovers left in London. It was a dying trend. Not that Sirius ever cared for trends. He preferred doing his own thing.

Which was why he was trying to find out a way to get the smell out of the collar instead of working.

The magical creatures' rights and safety network, had been Sirius' place for the last three years. And despite the tacky name Sirius really liked his job.

When the Prewett twins had offered him the job he had jumped right at the chance.

Not only because it paid a lot better than that dingy gay bar where Sirius would bartend at did, but also because it revolved around something he cared about.

And he really felt like they made a change. Especially nowadays as it became more and more known in the wizarding community. They got a lot more calls now than they had just a year ago.

Sirius had worked and helped all sorts of magical creatures.

It kept him busy and for the first time in Sirius´ life, he felt like he was doing something right.

“Oh Howya Sirius, how´s the wee fella lookin?” Gideon walked into the room, wearing a friendly smile on his mug. He usually looked chippy.

That was how Sirius was able to tell the identical twins apart: Gideon was more of an easygoing person. Whereas Fabian was the more serious type and he also had a proper temper on him.

The odd thing was that Sirius preferred the latter twin over his much kinder brother. He himself suspected that this was because of some deep-rooted issue he had with himself.

“Morning Gid, he is doing much better now, our little Welsh fella is also healing nicely. I put some of that salve we got from Mungo´s.”

Gideon nodded pleased with what he was hearing. “That´s deadly to hear, but you´re aware it's not mornin´ right?” he looked almost concerned.

Sirius chuckled as he raised a brow at his boss. “It is early to me, but you and your brother keep giving me early shifts, and I do not function in the morning,” he raised his hand to express his point better.

“Well you refuse to take night shifts as you claim that the night is sacred Sirius time,” Gideon joked around often. Sometimes he even flirted. And sometimes. Sirius flirted back.

But it was a meaningless thing.

“It is!” Sirius grinned excitedly.

“I know that your nights consist of dancing in the dirtiest corners of London, I´ve seen you, always off your head,” Gideon rushed his fingers through his red hair. It was a light red colour. Not that gingers were ever his type. That was more of a Prongs thing.

Sirius preferred dark blonde, a very particular shade, almost brown actually.

“Oi! That's not all I do–” 

Gideon grinned, “Yeah I know, you sing too, your brother told me on your birthday night, he is quite scary actually.”.

Sirius couldn´t deny that. “Well, I used to yes, and little Reg is a proper menace, don´t tell him I said that tho.”

“Why don´t you sing anymore?”

The black-haired boy shrugged his shoulders, the answer was quite simple, but Sirius didnt think that it was something to share, not without looking like the idiot he was.

“Lost my voice in a ski accident,” he deadpanned.

Gideon looked amused and raised a brow, “ski accident? You don't ski you wee liar—”

“A prank went wrong then,” Sirius changed his mind playing with the little leather collar in his hand.

“Sure lad,” the man laughed shortly before his face turned rather quickly to a more serious look. “Either way, I didnt just come here to see your handsome face–”

“Oh and why not?” Sirius gave him a wink, the sort that would have someone blushing.

And surely, Gideon´s cheeks reddened just slightly.

“I´m going to Wales this weekend, Ian found a herd of dragons up north for our little one to join, and well, I was just thinking that maybe you wanted to come with?” Gideon looked almost a bit shy as he asked him.

Wales.

“I mean it won't even feel like work, it´ll be like a fun weekend trip, we–”

Sirius felt bad for the rejection he would bring. The disappointment. But he really couldn't.

“Yeah, I can´t really this weekend,” Sirius looked around. “I promised Effie to help her out with something,” Effie was visiting her father in India.

He was a liar, but a good one at least.

“Oh really? That´s alright, I mean it's not a big deal, it's just a baby dragon, it's really just a one-man job,” Gideon went on, but he could see how he frowned just a bit.

Sirius liked Gideon, but he wouldn't allow himself to get close enough to him. Not romantically at least. And Sirius was sure the redhead asked with romantic intentions at heart.

It wasn´t Gideon personally. Sirius just couldn´t do the romance thing. It never played out well for boys like him

And bloody Wales of all places.

“I´m sorry Gid, it´s just bad timing innit,” he fiddled with the leather thing, struggling to meet the other man´s eyes.

“It's fine, I can ask Ian if he´s available, but you´re coming on the next one eh?” Gideon looked at him.

So Sirius eyes met his, and without even blinking he said. “Yes of course,” he lied beautifully.

Later that day.

Jealousy. It ran through his blood.

Probably a Black thing, Sirius had settled down with.

It made things a lot easier for Sirius at least.

That way it wouldn't tug at him as a flaw drawn by himself. Bur rather another thing he could blame his family for, his name, his blood.

Regulus might have forgotten, but Sirius could remember.

He could remember those dinner parties, those terrible dinner parties made of everything a child at the age of eight feared.

During these little dinners, the house was full. The sound spilt over the walls, almost over to the streets.

It was laughter, but never loud enough to seal. It was conversations, but never true enough to feel. It was touching, but never kind enough to heal.

As said Jealousy ran in these walls.

Especially inside the veins of their parents. Sirius mother.

Jealous of everything a mother didnt have the right to be.

A hatred mixed with fear, Sirius didnt understand it.

Until he did.

She loved them. But at the same time, she loathed them. She wanted them gone. But she needed them close.

Nothing had been enough for her.

And when these dinner parties took place, and when Sirius would see his uncle, his uncle who had been much more of a parent to him than Uncle Alphard´s sister had.

She raged.

Cause who was little Sirius if not her´s, not his, he was her heir, her little genius who would make something out of himself.

Be something.
Someone.

Only someone she accepted though.

But sanity, that had never been something running through his blood.

And Sirius was insane for his disobedience.

So he´d been told.

But nothing had felt as good as running from that.

From her.

From him.

“Sirius, don´t tell me you bought it like that,” Regulus walked back in with two glasses in his hands, as he gave Sirius the alcoholic one. His younger brother eyed his trousers. 

“I did yeah, last week with Mary at this little shop near us,” Sirius sipped on the drink as he made himself comfortable in the living room.

Regulus sighed, “You and your terrible taste–”

“Oi, you dare to speak, I bet it wasnt Barty who picked these horrible-looking sofa´s, I mean what is this green colour,” Sirius interrupted before Regulus could ridicule his taste in fashion for the five hundredth time this month.

Regulus squinted his eyes at his older brother. “I´ve seen your flat Sirius, it´s a bleedin´ mess, the colours at your place don´t even go together,” he snapped back.

“That was Marlene—”

Suddenly blonde hair was in sight, almost immediately after hearing the sound of her name. “What about me?”

Regulus smirked as his eyes went to her, and her girlfriend whose arm was slung around the blonde´s shoulder. “Your flatmate over here is blaming you for the terrible interior in your apartment.”

Sirius frowned, waving his glass around while speaking. “That was not what I said you little rodent, I merel–”

“Are the Black brothers back at it again?” brown hair and mad eyes interrupted as he walked into the room with two bottles in his hands.

He found his comfortable place beside Sirius´ brother.

If it had been just a few years ago, and Sirius would have witnessed the way Barty´s hand caressed his brother's hair, Sirius would have been a murderer.

But then again, a lot had changed.

Regulus' happiness mattered more to him.

“Sometimes I wonder if their bickering is to make up for the lost time,” the other close friend of his brother, and also Marlene´s girlfriend sat down on the ugly sofa as well.

“Oh piss off,” Sirius grumbled back at the same time Regulus muttered something that sounded like fuck off.

The others laughed at that of course.

Bloody rascals.

Sirius downed his fruity drink while taking up a lot of space on the sofa, something Marlene didn´t appreciate as she pushed away his long legs, making space for herself.

Despite their bickering, Sirius really appreciated nights like this. Being invited to his brother's place, among a small group of friends. Good food, close friends, real laughter, and no hatred; this was what Sirius had missed at the dinner parties hosted as a child.

Sirius and Regulus were no longer children and were seen by their parents as no longer Blacks, which made it easy for them to defy their traditions by making them likeable people, capable of hosting something pleasant rather than nauseating.

“Couldn´t Mary come?” Marlene looked up at him while drinking her beer in style.

It had been weeks since Marlene had slept at their flat. She usually spent all her time at Dorcas' place. It was only a matter of time till Marlene moved out of their place and to her Dorcas' place in North London.

Ugh, how he hated happy couples.

“Nah, I think she has a date tonight with that Vance girl,” Sirius told the group.

Barty laughed, “Oh does she really? Is she no longer hung up on Miss Mckinnon?” he always said such irksome comments at the wrong moments. Sometimes Sirius really wondered what it was his brother saw in the bloke.

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Baz you bloody joke,” he made eye contact with the grinning boy, and Sirius saw how his brother's annoyed face fell into a slight smile when he met his boyfriends eyes.

He heard a small I hate you from his brother, and the other boy replied with a You love me really.

Dorcas laughed out loud, “Are you egging me on Crouch?” she dared to look at him in his eyes. “We all know how bitchy you get when you´re drunk. I truly feel bad for Regulus for ending up with you after all these years at Hogwarts,”

The brown-eyed boy sat up a little at that attack. “I´ll have you know that I and Reg have a great relationship, you should have seen what we were doing last night, Reg almos—”

Sirius almost spat out his drink when he heard and he interrupted quickly. “Don´t finish that sentence, that's bloody disgusting mate,” he made a small gagging sound to show his distaste.

It was enough to know that his brother was together with him, but he really didnt need to listen to what they did in bed too. God, even he had his limits.

Crouch shrugged his shoulders before he returned to his drink, “Suit yourself, my point still stands.”

Regulus didnt talk much about their relationship, but Barty said too much.

He was a very vulgar and well just in general a disturbed boy, meaning that he could say the most filthy things without considering them. At first, Sirius had been against their relationship. As he hated the guts of his brothers' boyfriend. Sirius could simply not understand why his baby brother would date that corrupt boy. It boggled his mind.

But then he noticed the looks. The expressions he´d never had the privilege to see on his brother's face before. It was content.

Even though Sirius loved Regulus, he couldn't deny that he had his fair share of issues, probably deriving from their fucked up childhood. These issues would have been a problem with any other person. But as Barty was equally troubled it sort of went together.

In the most unexpected way possible the two of them worked in that way. They had been dating for two years now, and they seemed happy. And who was Sirius to meddle with their happiness?

“Me and Mare were ages ago, we are both very over it, it's just lesbian to date your friends, it's almost tradition actually,” Marlene said as a joke, but Sirius wasn't too sure she was joking. “And im very happy with this one,” Marlene nuzzled her head in Dorcas' neck, probably both drunk on the too much vodka they had drank.

“Oh really love?” Dorcas leaned in closer.

Sirius felt lonely in between both the couples. He had to remind himself that it was for the best.

Being too busy in thoughts he barely noticed when both the girls sneaked off, Marlene mumbled something like “I have to pee,” and the other laughed her arse off at that before they both locked themself inside the bathroom.

“Silly girls, think they´re being slick, eh?” Sirius chuckled, as his eyes went back to the couple that sat in front of him.

He watched them. Mostly Regulus.

How comfortable he looked. How carefree. Much different from the child he´d been.

His brother had been a child too busy in his head to live. Worrying constantly about what would happen next. Now he was smiling. His little Reggie. Smiling.

They´d come a far way from where they had been just four years ago.

Parentless maybe but they were as close as ever. They had each other.

And that was all they needed really.

“They did this the entire last month of their seventh year too,” Regulus mumbled, “Thought they had the secret lovers' thing nailed down too,” he almost laughed faintly, tilting his head down on his boyfriend's shoulder.

Sirius smiled while he poured himself some of the wine that Crouch had bought in earlier. It was the expensive kind so Sirius made sure to fill up his glass. “Mhm I remember, we used to think house rivalry was much bigger than it actually was, Meadowes and Marlene acted like the sort of enemies that would kill each other given the opportunity,” he recalled sipping on the wine.

“Talk for yourself, I still hate your guts for being a Gryffindor,” Crouch smirked while speaking but he really couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“Yeah, and that´s because you´re mental crouch jr,” Sirius replied back, “if my brother was smart he´d run away.”

“Oh, your brother is the one—” he began, and Sirius recognised the shameless look on his face.

“Fuck off, what did I say crouch?” he interrupted once again.

The brown-haired Slytherin laughed out, probably finding it amusing how to bother Sirius, but probably also starting to feel the effect of all the alcohol he had absorbed. “Yeah yeah alright I get it now.”

But something shifted in his look, as the boy sat up a little, “But do you know what it thinks you´re going to find interesting?” something glinted in his eyes.

“No Baz,” Regulus shook his head barely before he drank a little more from his sparkling water. “Don´t,” the black-haired boy said as he looked sternly at his boyfriend

“Oh c´mon Reg, don´t you think he deserves to hear?” Barty gave Regulus a look. One that bore absolute sin in it.

“What?” Sirius repeated confused. “Just tell me,” he was curious to know what the two boys were hiding.

“You were drunk like you bloody always are, it probably wasnt even him,” Regulus spoke lowly, to Barty, he looked a bit irritated, but only if you looked beyond the surface.

Barty groaned, “I swear to fucking god, it was him, I might have been drunk, but that—”

“Just tell me,” Sirius said, too demanding than he meant to be.

Both the boys' gaze returned to Sirius at the sound of that.

Regulus sighed as he drank from his sparkling water, Barty looked back at him, but Regulus merely rolled his eyes. “Go on then, you wanted to tell him did you not?”

One could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

Till Crouch spoke again.

“Do you remember Lupin?”

His heart stopped.

Dropped.

Drowned.

Resurfaced.

All in that one mere second,

“Met him in around Whitechapel the other day,” Barty spoke, but Sirius swore he whispered at that moment, struggling to hear his words.

If it was true– No it couldn't be.

“I was drunk, yes, but I think he bummed me a fag,” he could barely make out what he was saying.

“A fag?” he repeated, the words didnt feel like his.

Regulus noticed. “Sirius, you know, it might not even have been him, London is big, and–”

“But it could be,” he mumbled to himself. “I really did him wrong Reggie, if you only knew,” being reminded about it was uncomfortable. Experiencing it must have been even worse.
Sirius still considered that night to be the biggest mistake in his twenty years of living.

He had ruined everything.

Sirius had lost Moony, and oh, Moony had almost lost himself.

Regulus was chewing his bottom lip, unsure what to say. “You´re no longer him, that bloke you were back then, you escaped it,” he simply said, as if it was the truth, and nothing more.

And no words had ever been spoked better.

The black-haired boy turned to look at Barty who seemed to listen to the conversation curiously. “What did he look like?”

“Er well, he looked like the Lupin your lot used to hang out with, but well a tad taller, messier perhaps, he had more scars–”

“How was his eyes?” Sirius interrupted without thinking.

It probably sounded like the most queer thing known to mankind.

And even if Sirius was out, he didnt know if Remus was. So he kept quiet about what really had been ripped apart from him

Barty raised a brow, “Uh brown, I dunno,” he shrugged his shoulders. Probably not even hearing what Sirius was really asking.

“I should find him right?” Sirius looked back at his brother.

His brother looked uncertain. “Yeah no Sirius, it seems to me that he doesn't want to be found,” Regulus said fairly.

And he was probably right.

But still.

“I probably wouldn't find him either way,” he mumbled to himself, letting Barty pour him another generous glass of wine.

But what if?

NO.

Suddenly the deep conversation was interrupted by the two girls who stumbled out of the bathroom

It was very clear what the two lovebirds had been about for the half hour.

“Aye lads, whatchu talkin' about,” Marlene walked in her lipstick smeared everywhere.

Dorcas followed behind her holding her hand and a smoke in the other.

Sirius could feel the two other boys' eyes on him. So he pressed his mouth into a little smile before he said. “Just Crouch´s terrible taste in wine.”

Terribly good.