Meet my melancholy blues

10th March 1976

SIRIUS

The music had been alive that night.

Hearing it as if he was going to lose his availability to listen the next day.

Not that he did.

Sirius didnt know the name of the band that was playing. He only knew it was loud, gritty and that James was a terrible dancer.

Holding both arms up pretending he knew the lyrics to the song, only to miss every word.

What a terrible sight.

Sirius turned swiftly around to get back to the bar, maybe he could try to charm the barmaid to serve him another pint.

On the house of course, since his bloody parents had cut off his money.

The black-haired boy knew that if James saw him he would immediately try to pay. Which was why he had gone back to the bar when his friends were fully distracted by whatever one could be distracted by at a night like this.

But on his way to the bar, Sirius noticed a full glass of pint standing lonely on top of the piano. The area was empty, no one seemed to even notice its presence. Which only meant that no one would notice it to be gone either.

No one would notice.

So he grabbed it of course.

Not thinking of the consequence of his crime. He wiggled his way through the crowdy dancefloor, to the backside of the bar.

Where all the cool people went.

James too carefree to not dance, and sing.

Peter too busy to drink, cause he was blushing at someone tall and tan.

Remus too cool to do either.

So of course, Sirius went wherever Remus was.

Which at that moment was the backside of the bar.

He´d already noticed a long time ago, that his friend would find his way away from the loudness of the world.

The fresh night air hit his face the moment he opened the door. Only that this night air wasnt fresh. Cause the rooted smell of Tobacco was strong and visible. It led all way to the only teenager behind the backside of the bar.

Sitting there lonely, his gaze immediately meeting Sirius´ the second he noticed the other.

God.

Fuck.

Lord.

And every other obscenity that could be named on the spot.

He didn't feel it when his tired legs walked naturally over to his lanky friend. As they had done many times before.

As it was only natural for Sirius to do so.

Like gravity.

Pulling him in.

Forcing him to feel weak in his head.

Sirius didnt know why he did so but he grabbed the fag out of Remus´ hand, not even thinking, as he leaned on whatever was behind him.

Something firm it was at least.

A brick wall.

Remus didn't say a single word, only looked down at him, with his dark eyes.

So brown, that no one would believe him if he described as the golden Sirius swore he saw some nights.

“Don´t you look pretty for sixteen mate,” Sirius felt his hoarse voice speak before he even heard the sentence go through his own head.

Sirius cleared his throat. 

At this, his tall friend raised a brow. “Wouldn´t you know, you´ve been sixteen for a couple of months longer than I have?” he took back his cigarette.

“Yeah but I haven´t done it like you do moony, nobody does it like you,” this sentence had been said in his head before out loud.

Something secret was felt in the air.

Something only they felt.

Or Sirius felt.

Maybe Remus felt?

When Remus's eyes went a bit down to the pint in his hand. Sirius had almost forgotten about it.

“Err yeah, your birthday present from me,” he said faintly as he handed it to him.

Remus held back a smile, sharp teeth barely visible as he flashed them quickly before he accepted it and took a swig.

“Cheers mate,” he mumbled. “Tell Rosmerta thanks from me, she brews it herself I believe, ain´t that bloody impressive,” Remus continued as he looked at the beer with respect.

Sirius looked up at him. Tilting his head just enough for his neck to be exposed.

The only skin he was showing this night.

Remus' eyes flashed there quickly.

Barely

But enough for Sirius to notice.

He then drank swiftly from the beer. As if Remus' eyes never lingered somewhere they shouldn't

Not for someone who called themselves friends anyway,

“Mhm, yeah, she said happy birthday by the way, think she fancies you or something,” Sirius lied, not wanting to say he had gifted his friend a stolen beer.

Remus nodded reluctantly, almost as if he saw through him. “You think everyone fancies me, you tosser,” he murmured, drinking more, but his eyes never left Sirius´. 

The sky dusked and the shadows got long and hard. 

Sirius looked behind Remus' shoulder, to see another pair behind him.

A witch and a wizard. Picture perfect, weren't they just?

They seemed drunk and, touchy as most drunk folks were.

The dark-haired boy didnt answer Remus´ allegation. It didn't matter. Sirius knew he was right, he knew.

Everybody did fancy Remus.

How couldn't they? He was everything one could want in another person. His curls were dark, and his eyes were too gentle to belong to a man Sirius wanted to kiss. 

God. The was the only mystical being close enough to be compared to Remus Lupin.

Sometimes Sirius prayed to him.

Remus, not god.

Prayed in his sleep.

Only when he was apart from his happiness.

Only when Sirius was at home. Or rather at Grimmaulds place, which he should call it. Cause calling it Grimmauld place Sirius´ home would be as ridiculous as calling Sirus an heir.

He simply wasn't.

The way his prayers went where as pathetic as it had felt.

Sirius dreamt, imagined or whatever you want to call it. About a future. A future with Remus. 

Where they lived together. Loved together. And nothing else mattered.

It was simply them too, no one else. And it was easy. They just lived. Their flat was small but comfortable. They argued sometimes of course, but Remus was happy. He was happy because he was with Sirius.

And oh, the thought alone made Sirius euphoric.

Thrilled, even.

And maybe it was selfish to imagine the solution to all his problems being Remus. But didnt he deserve it?

Didn't he too deserve his happiness?

And if Remus was the key to his happiness, why would he deny himself that? It could be the two, forever.

Sirius was aware his feeling for Remus were not normal, nor were they platonic. But he really couldn't admit it to the world.

To Remus too.

It would complicate everything.

Sirius would be stuck as something as an image he didn't want people to have of him.

“Uh, Padfoot?” Sirius snapped back to reality at the sound of his best friend's voice.

Raspy, almost, in the cold march air.

Sirius looked behind Remus' shoulder to discover that the wizard and his exemplary witch were gone.

Causing Sirius to act accordingly.

He lunged towards the pale-haired boy, Almost crashing into him.

It was the alcohol.

Surely.

His chest felt hard and firm under Sirius' shaky hands.

Remus' eyes widened. “Sirius, are you—”

“Shut up moony, just kiss me,” he mumbled impatiently.

Remus almost gave in. “Wait no Sirius,” almost.

Sirius felt the other boy´s hand push him away.

“What?”

“Sirius, are you good?”

“Yeah mate, im great actually,” he smiled as if it would make a point,” im great his smile screamed.

Remus looked reluctant. “You´re not just drunk? I mean, you are aware that we´re outside?” he looked confused, a bit nervous maybe. “Where anyone can walk in?” he whispered the last part.

The black-haired boy tilted his head backwards, almost laughing. “Shh it's fine Moony, its good, everything good,” he smiled, moving closer. “Just let go, you deserve to,” they deserved to.

He could make up a lie if anyone saw them. Sirius was good with lies.

Remus looked a bit hesitant to let go. When Sirius just did, Remus only contemplated. “Aren´t you tired of hiding,” he looked down at the cold pint.

The only thing separating them was that exact cold drink.

Sirius was confused. “We´re not hiding– not really, and I thought you didnt like all the public snogging stuff either way?” 

The brown-haired boy sighed as if Sirius was too gone to understand him. “I– I just don´t want to be someone else´s secret, even though I know we won't last—”

Sirius stopped him. “Won´t last? Don't say things like that Moony,” Sirius realised how shaky his voice was so he cut himself short..

Silence. 

Only Remus' doubtful look, what was he doubting? Was he doubting Sirius?

“I like you okay?” Sirius stuttered.  “And I don´t think everyone has what we have,” he finally managed to say something he felt. 

Remus breathed out faintly. His voice barely above a whisper. “I know, I feel it too,” he had said that night.

And that was all Sirius needed to know.

“That´s all that matters Moony,” he breathed closely to where Remus' mouth started. “We´re all that matters,” he felt invincible when he stood this close to the tall boy.

Remus closed his eyes, almost meeting Sirius in the middle. Before his brows furrowed, slightly and he turned his head to the side.

Before he opened his eyes, the colour of the amber now. He didn't look directly at Sirius, refusing to look at him.

“Sirius listen, I´ve spent half my life as a secret, I don´t want to be your secret too,” he said, pausing slightly before he continued. “This is not a secret I want to be kept, im not ashamed of this part of me.”

The words felt terrible. Like a stab to Sirius' heart. For keeping him hidden. Sirius wasn´t ashamed of Remus. 

Oh, never. 

He could never be ashamed of Remus. 

It wasn´t that.

But, he didn't want Remus to feel bad. What if Sirius ́ lack of courage would make him leave?  What if it was the last thing the boy needed to realise before he saw the 

Every lousy thought spiralled through his mess of a brain.

“I´ll tell everyone by summer,” the voice of a deceiver spoke. Sirius own of course.

Remus' eyebrows´ rose when he heard that.

“Just give me a couple of months, I swear moony,” Sirius felt like his life depended on doing this. 

That this sole sentence would make the difference.

Sirius thought he would do whatever he could, to keep Remus around.

He needed Remus, Sirius was sure he wouldn´t be able to live without him.

Or at least he´d thought so.

The other boy nodded, slowly, considering Sirius´ words and what they would mean.

And then Remus did the very rare, but beautiful thing where he smiled. A truthful smile with all teeth. Sirius couldn't resist it anymore and he pressed his lips against Remus´. 

The taste of beer, tobacco, and liquor all mixed up together in his lover's beautiful mouth.

“Sirius,” Remus laughed against his lips, holding his face as if it was made of gold.

They were happy this way.

Both were in the dark, holding on as if they would lose each other if one let go.

“Sirius,” Remus repeated this time deeper, as if he was falling deeper.

But Sirius didn´t try to move away.

Because he was too selfish to let go.

He couldn´t.

Wouldnt.

“SIRIUS,” the voice screamed. It was foreign to Sirius. Never heard. Never made. Only feared.

Sort of like the sound a wolf makes before the moon takes over the night, cursing a human to stay a beast for the night.

Or the sound of someone desperate enough to cry his name. his name as if Sirius was someone who could help. 

Would? 

Could.

“Sirius?” 

He opened his eyes, almost immediately realising that they had been closed all the time. It was when his grey eyes met his friend´s deep brown ones he realised it had been one of his occasional, and very vivid nightmares, or dreams, depending on how you saw it.

Mary, with her hands on her hips, stood over him with a look of mock concern. "Finally awake, Sleeping Beauty?" she teased, a mischievous grin playing on her lips. 

Sirius rubbed his eyes and sat up, giving her a playful glare. "I was just resting my eyes, thank you very much." 

Mary raised an eyebrow, feigning disbelief. "Resting your eyes? More like snoring your head off! I thought the house was haunted with all that noise." 

“Sorry about the snoring then. I can't help it if I'm blessed with the ability to serenade the whole neighbourhood while I dream." Sirius rubbed his eyes and attempted to sit up. 

"You drooled a bit, you know," Mary said, pointing to a small damp spot on his satin pillowcase. 

Sirius rubbed his eyes and chuckled. "Oi, give me a break, Mary. I had a bit too much last night." His eyes widened suddenly. 

“Wait, you had a date last night, didn't ya, love?" Sirius asked with a cheeky grin. “Did you charm the lady with your dazzling personality?" Sirius grinned, knowing full well how charismatic Mary could be. 

"Oh, you bet I did!" Mary replied with a playful wink. "She couldn't resist my witty banter and sparkling sense of humour."

Sirius leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows. "Go on then, spill the beans! I wanna hear all the juicy details." 

And so, Mary launched into a lively retelling of her date, complete with swooning and dramatic hand gestures. Sirius couldn't help but laugh at her theatrics. She was a right character, that one.

But she nodded cheerily, unable to hide her happiness. “Ohh you should have been there Siri–”

“I should have been at your date?” Sirius raised a brow.

“You should have!” Mary said excitedly. “Next time, we´re doing a double date, I read in a magazine once that the chances are higher of a successful evening if two parts go together and plot—” she told but Sirius had to interrupt again.

“Jesus Mary, do you hear yourself?” Sirius chuckled feeling himself getting more awake now.

Mary merely shrugged her shoulder. “What I´m just trying to get you back in the dating pool again.”

“Oh for fucks sake Mary, I don´t need your help I have plenty of—” Sirius made himself ready for his speech.

But Mary interrupted. “Meaningless shagging doesn´t count,” she said.

“Is this the really you Mary?" he gasped jokingly "You must have been substituted,” Sirius joked, as he remembered how she´d been the last two years at Hogwarts. 

Mary only rolled her eyes. “Listen I know how it is, ive been there.” she gave him a knowing look, but Sirius didn´t believe that someone like Mary would ever understand.

She was too good, too light, too bloody perfect to ever understand how terrible someone as beautiful as him could be.

“After Marlene I was heartbroken, and when I saw how she and Dorcas was, well I dunno, it wasn't easy,” she told him, as truthfully as a girl could

“Yeah, but you´re not a fucking menace to society Mary, you´re too loveable to be reduced to someone who only shags,” he explained as if would justify his self-destructive ideas. “You´re quite literally made to love, i'm simply not,” Sirius tried to give her a playful smile.

But there really was nothing playful about his words.

“But meaningless sex won't do it forever Sirius, you deserve someone too, someone who makes you happy,” Mary looked so serious, almost to the point that she looked annoyed.

As the sun bathed the room in warm light, Sirius was reminded of how lucky he was to have a friend like Mary – someone who could care enough about him. To care. 

“After Marlene, I was heartbroken, and when I saw how she and Dorcas were, well, I dunno, it wasn't easy,” she looked down at her hands, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. 

“But I realised that life goes on, and I can't let one failed relationship define me. I deserve to be happy, and so do you, Siri.” Sirius appreciated Mary's concern, but he couldn't help feeling that his situation was more complicated than just moving on from a heartbreak. He knew his feelings for Remus ran deep, and they couldn't be brushed aside so easily. 

"Thanks, Mary," he said, trying to smile reassuringly. "I know you mean well, but it's not that simple." 

Mary looked at him with genuine understanding. "I know, Sirius.” she smiled as if she knew something. “But. at some point, you have to take a chance on love." As much as Sirius wanted to argue with her, he knew she had a point. 

"I'll think about it," Sirius finally conceded, not wanting to make any promises he wasn't sure he could keep. 

Mary nodded, satisfied with his response. "That's all I ask. Just remember that I'll be here to support you no matter what."

“Yeah yeah, just don't get all sappy on me now,” he said as he lingered in bed.

It was easier to brush things like this off.

Cause the thing was.

Mary probably knew that something was wrong with Sirius. Everybody knew.

But she never forced him to talk about it.

Instead, she reassured him with the little things, just little reminders that he could talk with her if he wanted to.

Not that Sirius ever planned on taking her up on that.

He was better now than ever, why ruin anything by telling them something that said the opposite?

Right?

“I didnt just come to bother you, you know” Mary smirks, a little slyly Sirius would dare to say. “Did you forget our plans?”

Fuck.

“Oh c´mon Mary, you can't be that bloody sadistic?” he groaned as he tried to hide in his bed.

The girl was that bloody sadistic.

She pushed his duvet off him, so Sirius was exposed to the cold of the room, and he gasped at the feeling. 

“Nuh-uh, I ain´t letting you sleep the entire day away,” Mary declared, and with that, Sirius knew there was no fighting to be done.

-*-

“Ooo let me have a try,” James grabbed the pain au chocolat out of Marlene´s hand.

Marlene´s face scrunched up, and she let out a loud sigh. “I´m too bloody knackered to fight back for it, but count your days Potter.”

James simply gave an unapologetic shrug before he took a bite of the pastry.

Sirius and Mary had gone on their shopping trip as promised, and now they sat in a dimly lit, grungy café near their place, meeting up with Marlene and James.

“Lily´d have your head if she was here,” Mary stated as she inspected the messy-haired Brunett. “Speaking of which, where is our beloved Lily?” the dark-eyed girl continued to ask as she sipped her coffee.

“She´s meeting a friend,” he told very vaguely. 

Sirius chimed in. “Who?”

James swallowed a bite too big from his piece of bread. “Dunno, I didn't ask her. I suppose it´s that Pandora bird or maybe Longbottom?” he guessed. 

The three others nodded at that, and they didnt dwell on that any further than they should have.

Though it was out of the usual that Lily dropped them to hang out with someone else. Sirius shook his head, as he didnt want to let it get too big in his head.

“So how are you holding up Marls, I saw how much you had last night you bloody madman,” Sirius grinned at the blonde who was sending him a scowl over her bowl of fruit.

“Oh, that bad?” Mary asked.

Marlene rolled her eyes dramatically. "You have no idea. It's like someone cursed me with a never-ending hangover potion. And then this git” she glared at James. “Steals my Panna chocolate–”

“It´s pain au chocolat,” Sirius corrected automatically, cringing at himself, when he heard what he´d just said.

The blonde narrowed her brown eyes at him. “Oh, you shut up you French bastard.”

Mary laughed, trying to cheer Marlene up. "At least you had fun last night, right?"

"Yeah, a bit too much fun, I reckon. I'm gettin' too old for this shite." Marlene rolled her eyes.

“Well, you did go all out last night. I thought you and Dorcas were going to eat each other up after your fourth glass of wine." Sirius chuckled as he remembered the previous night. 

Marlene groaned and rested her head on her hand. "Don't remind me. I'm paying for it dearly today."

Mary shook her head in amusement. "You need to learn how to pace yourself, Marls. Moderation is the key." 

James chimed in, his mouth still full of pastry. "Says the girl who once downed three butterbeer in under a minute during our seventh year." 

The curly-haired girl blushed slightly as she hid her face in her hands at the memory. "Ohh but that was entirely different. It was a bet, and I won." Despite her blushing she looked quite proud.

Oh really?

Sirius shook his head, refusing to let her have the victory. “That´s definitely not how I remember it—”

“Too bad mate, 'cause who was the one who won the title of strongest drinker in Griffindor?” she gave him a challenging look. “Pretty sure it was me,” Mary sipped on her coffe with a sly look.

When Sirius was ready to argue more about how he´d been the actual winner.

"Speaking of drinking, we should plan a proper night out soon. Hit the pubs, get properly smashed,” James said suddenly,  with a grin on his face. He leaned back in his chair, looking mischievous,

"Are ya tryin' to kill me? My head's still spinnin' from last night," Marlene groaned as she poked the fruit in her bowl.

James chuckled, "Oh come on, you'll be fine in a few days. We need a good ol' night of debauchery."

She raised a brow at him. “Aren´t you supposed to be in good shape for the next season with the Cannons?”

“I am in great shape thank you very much,” James says earnestly. “It´s not like I'm a mental drinker like yourself,” Sirius spotted a small smirk on his face as he spoke.

“Fuck off Potter,” she said with a dismissive hand wave before her eyes lit up again. “Shit did I tell you–”

Sirius was well-zoned out of the chat now. 

He looked around him at the three of his friends laughing and talking, as if nothing came more naturally to them.

Sirius imagined how different things could have been.

As he did every so often.

It was the end of June, and  London was beautiful. People came visiting from other countries at this time, and Sirius could hear it and see it around him. It was too bloody great.

But every time Sirius felt this complete, this great, surrounded by everything he liked, he couldn't help but feel the missing piece.

Especially after what Barty told him yesterday.

Yes, the boy had been drunk of his mind, but Sirius couldn't help but feel curious and maybe a bit nervous. What if Remus really was back?

Would he contact them?

Would he even want them in his life?

Want Sirius?

That was a ridiculous thought, Of course, Remus wouldn´t want anything to do with the boy who´d almost ruined his life. Sirius had hurt him in every way possible.

Some things couldn´t be forgiven. This was simply one of them.

But he still remembered his address.

What if he just took the trip to the flat, just to see—

SHUT IT.

No, he would absolutely not become some mental stalker. He was almost twenty-one for fucks sake.

What was wrong with him? Everybody else seemed to let the past go, why couldn't he?

This could impossibly be normal.

Maybe a mind healer could fix it?

Fix him.

“Blimey, she´s probably going to set a record at this pace,” James looked at Marlene with amazement at something she´d told him.

And Sirius jumped into the conversation again. “Who´s setting a record?”

“Dorcas,” Marlene smiled, beaming with pride. “She´s signed up as captain next season at the Harpies,” she continued to say, but Sirius couldn´t focus.

The Holyhead Harpies, Holyhead, that´s in Wales.

“Shit,” he managed to choke out. “That´s proper impressive!” cause it truly was.

Sirius didn´t know Meadowes all too well, even though she was Marlene´s girlfriend and one of Regulus´ closest friends. She´d always been a bit more reserved than most people, 

Similar to how Sirius´ brother was, but at the same not remotely the same.

While Regulus was quiet out of spite, Dorcas was quiet because of spite. 

When remembering back to his Hogwarts days, he remembered her as someone equally brilliant on the quidditch field as outside it. She was fast, incredibly fast.

Fast to the point where commentators struggled with keeping up with her on the field.

And the way Marlene spoke about her made Sirius believe she was some sort of angel come to earth.

Marlene nodded eagerly, almost as if there had never been a hangover. “Aye, I know! she´s been working so bloody hard these last months,” she told the three of them. “Im so fucking proud of my girl,” Sirius noticed how she was trying to tone down her excitement, but failed miserably at doing so.

James chuckled lowly, pushing his glasses upwards. “Too bad, we´re winning against her in October.”

-*-

After hours, they´d finished the longest lunch in history. 

The others had to go after that. Marlene and Dorcas were apparently looking at a place near Haringey. Mary was going to an art exhibition with Vance. And James well, James and Lily were having a romantic dinner at their favourite muggle restaurant.

Which of course left Sirius alone.

He´d returned to the empty flat.

Empty. Empty. Empty.

Which was when he spotted it.

Leaning against the window.

Almost as if it was trying to escape.

His attention immediately landed on the trapped plant.

Trapped with him.

Sirius sighed as he sat down with the plant. It had been green. Radiant. When it started growing. Promising even.

But just a couple of days ago when he was watering the plant, it had looked off. Almost sad. Not as promising as it had been before.

Sirius had panicked, pouring more water into the pot, hoping to revive the struggling plant. But it was to no avail. The plant continued to wither, its vibrant colours fading to a sickly hue. 

Eventually, it succumbed to the excess moisture, and Sirius was left with nothing but a pot of damp soil and decaying petals. 

He had killed a plant with commitment, drowning it with the very thing that was meant to sustain it. As he looked at the lifeless pot before him, Sirius couldn't help but draw a parallel to himself.

"Lord, I worry that love is violence," he declared out loud into the empty room, his voice a bitter whisper. He blamed his family for his own turbulent emotions, for the storms that raged within him. 

Their version of love had been a twisted dance of power and control, leaving him battered and broken in its wake. He traced a finger over a drooping leaf, his touch almost reverent. 

It was easy to blame his parents for their coldness, for the way they had treated him as an ornament rather than a child. Easy, simply because it was true. Truth in the same way, he lied when he said he had ever been a child.

The rain outside intensified, the world beyond the windowpane a reflection of his own inner turmoil. He thought of Regulus, his younger brother trapped in the same suffocating web of family expectations. He blamed his family for tearing them apart, for the divide that seemed impossible to bridge. 

As he stared at the wilted plant, Sirius felt a surge of frustration. Their version of love had been a violence that scarred him, that had left him broken, and bleeding.

Actually broken, and bleeding.

The potted plant was a silent reminder of his own fears and unstableness. He reached for a nearby rag and gently wiped the raindrops off the windowsill. 

What if he just threw it away?

It was as good as Dead anyway.

It would be gone.

There´d be no fucking reminder to tell him how terrible of a person he truly was. Not that he himself wasn´t a reminder enough.

He looked back at the plant, its wilted form a testament to his own misjudgments.

With a sigh too loud to be called a sigh, he put the plant or whatever that was left of it, back in its place. Back to exact same spot where it had flourished only a week before.

Mental how the world worked that way.

Sirius threw his jacket down on his bedroom floor before he buried himself in his bed.

The bed where´d he spend the entire night, and maybe the next day, dreading the plant and its life.