Meet my melancholy blues

He hurried back to his hotel room, barely acknowledging the woman he´d met earlier.

Remus hadnt read a single of the letters, he´d just read the names on the envelopes and the dates they´d been sent.

A hundred and nine letters from Lily.

One from James.

three from Marlene.

Fifteen from Peter.

And seven from Mary.

There were a few other letters addressed to his parents, but almost all of them were from his old friends to him.

It didnt even matter but at the same time nothing had ever mattered as much.

The one from James had been sent a couple of days after they moved.

Remus didnt want to open James´ letter. He couldn't.

But he couldn't help but be curious about how and why his red-haired friend had wanted to write to him after all this time.

He wasnt sure if she knew about him, about his beastly side. Though it wouldn't surprise him if she did know, cause Severus had never been all that reliable, least of all to someone of Remus' sort.

If she knew that he had almost killed her friend, and she still wrote to him, something surely had to be wrong with her.

Cause why would she?

Even though it had been partly the black-haired heir´s fault, Remus was also to blame.

And he wouldn't ever forget it. He harmed James and almost murdered another man.

Remus couldn't help it when he opened the first letter.

Dear Remus

I know your parents took you out of Hogwarts.

I know it might have been for the best.

I know that only because Professor McGonagall told me that.

Because I don't think you really wanted this. It´s been a week since school ended, and no one has heard from you. Marlene told me that Peter told her that you might be moving out of the country. I really don't hope you´ll be miserable there. Well even though you´re usually a miserable person. Less when you're with.

I really hope you´re happy wherever you are, please don't be angry with me for writing this, but I think I need to tell you this. Severus talks a lot, and he has made some well, some weird theories about why you went away. Even though his theory seems strange, it sort of adds up to some things.

And I want you to know that I don't care. You´re still my Remus, no matter what. Please believe me when I write this.

I miss your wit and I miss your intellect but most of all I miss your big heart.

Please write back as soon as you read this

Love from Lily.

All the letters began differently but ended the same. With the same: Love from Lily. She even wrote her number and address at the bottom of each letter.

The letters seemed more desperate with time. And they even got shorter, but she continued to write consistently.

But god, everything he´d learnt the last couple of minutes.

James had finally got her. They were engaged for fucks sake. Lily and James.

Remus wondered if James would take Lily´s last name. He probably would.

And oh god Marlene, she´d ended up with that Slytherin girl, her own self-proclaimed enemy.

Lily mentioned small things about the black-haired one, but Remus skipped every sentence that included his name.

They were all living in London, or all of them except for Peter, he was living in Brighton, but visited them often Lily told.

It all seemed so perfect for them. All of them. Young and beautiful, in London, just living their life, as normal wizards and witches.

No more problems. No weirdness. Nothing of the sort.

The more he thought about all the time he´d been apart from them the more he missed them.
The number was right there.

Right there, on every single letter, waiting for him to call.

Remus sat there on his bed, debating in his head over what he should do.

The right thing to do would be to call her, meet her, reach out to them, and have them back in his life.

But then again, Remus wasnt really sure if that would be for the best.

Maybe he should just burn the letters? Surely not. But it didnt make the thought less tempting.

Remus looked out the window, it was pissing down. Typical London weather.

It looked wet, and windy outside, and not at all tempting to go out.

But the Number.

And Lily.

Oh, fuck it.

He put on his dark brown coat, and worn-out shoes, as Remus grabbed one of the letters with him.

Remus didnt get far as he crashed against the young lady again.

“Oh hi, it is you, names Carmen by the way,” she said as she recognised him, Carmen took out her hand in a friendly manner.

Remus' mouth went into an awkward smile. “Yes, it is me, Im Lupin, Remus Lupin.” He shook her hand politely. “Im just on the way to the phone box yeah,”

She sighed before she laughed a little. “Again? Is it another business phone call? You must be a really busy man,” she raised a thin brow, almost to say that she knew he´d lied earlier.

Remus knew he must have blushed a little in embarrassment. “Uh no not this time, im ringing an old friend.”

“Are you aware there is a phone in your hotel room?” she asked politely.

Remus was not aware of that. “Is there huh?” he shook his head in surprise. “Why did you not tell me earlier?”

The woman shrugged her shoulders. “I wanted to see if you really had a business call, but then again I don´t think your aunt Gwenyth is your boss is she?” she smirked a little.

Remus was sure he was the colour of a tomato now. “Uh yeah, you heard that?”

“I´m sure the entire street heard her, she wasnt exactly quiet.” Carmen didnt look bitter, but rather amused as she said that.

“I´m sorry—,” the brunette began apologising, as he felt a little ashamed for lying.

“No need to apologise, just be honest next time you're rejecting a girl, alright handsome?” she interrupted him before she smiled and walked down the hall.

God that had to be one of the most awkward things he´d experienced.

Either way, just as fast as he had hurried out of his hotel room he hurried right back in.

He threw off his coat and scanned the room quickly for the phone.

Remus' blood was pumping.

Maybe he had overstrained today. Done more than he could really take. Talked too much for his own good. Met too many people.

But when he saw the phone, he forgot all about his aching heart and all he thought of was Lily.

Lily, who never forgot him, cause she never wanted to.

Maybe she even missed him?

He picked up the phone, dialling the number that was found on the bottom of the letter he´d picked.

When the phone began ringing, bad thoughts rushed through him.

It had been four years now. What if she had changed? What if she no longer was like the Lily he knew?

Or worse, what if he himself had changed? Maybe he´d gotten too depressed, too tired and isolated.

Maybe she wouldn't even recognise his voice? Oh and what if–

“Hiya, who´s there on the other end, don't reckon I recognise this number?” the deep voice on the telephone spoke.

All Remus' fears were tossed aside as he heard this familiar voice. Instead, it was replaced with the feeling of guilt.

Last time he´d heard this jolly voice had been before his life had turned upside down. It had been when the sun still shone outside without skies of guilt covering the beautiful light.

No, the last time he´d heard James speak was before Remus hurt him, and he´d ended up in the hospital wing.

Remus wasnt sure how badly injured he had been. None of Lily´s letters mentioned that. The only thing he knew for certain was how weak and ill the great James Potter had looked.

The image was stuck in his head, even after four years, and it had all been because of him.

Cause yes, the grey-eyed boy had been the one to set the ´prank´, but it had been Remus who´d been the bomb.

“´ello? Is there someone there?” the boy repeated.

Which reminded Remus how he hadnt answered.

Not that he could.

His breath was stuck in his throat.

“Who are you on the phone with?” Remus heard another voice ask. Lily. It was her voice, it had changed much, maybe matured a little but not as much as James' deep voice had.

“Dunno, the person on the other end hasn't answered, I just heard a weird sound, do you reckon it's a creep?”

And then Remus was sure he would die when he heard a third voice. “I doubt a creep would be interested in you Prongs,” he made a very familiar snorting sound at the end of his sentence.

Remus wanted to hang up the phone, but for some reason, he froze where he stood.

“Oh shut it Padfoot, im a catch alright, right my Lily?” James chuckled, he hadnt lost that, he still had that same laugh, the same innocence he´d had before.

“James for fucks sake, being a catch´s got nothing to do with having a creep interested in you,” she sounded almost in disbelief. “Sirius just a bit mental,” she added, and Remus was sure he heard the smirk he was sure Lily had on her face.

Remus heard a loud groan and some ruffling with the phone before that one voice he despised sounded as clear as the day in the phone.

“Oi you creep on the phone, call me instead, im a lot more pre–”

And Remus finally hung up.

Fucking knobhead.

-*-

“God, it's got too fucking unbearable” She held her cig close to her mouth, almost breathing in the smoke even when it wasnt placed on her lips.

Remus found it odd, but he didnt comment on it.

“Yeah, I get it, especially around here I can imagine?” Remus nodded as he took a sip from his hot tea.

Carmen sighed, “Oh yes definitely, the prices are just skyrocketing here in the east, I know four families who have been forced out of their homes, it's terrifying innit.”

After their previous awkward interactions, things had been better between them. And Remus had invited her to tea on his balcony during her break.

After making fun of his awkwardness, He´d found a nice conversationist in the girl. She was quite witty and smart, and didnt even question his lack of knowledge about the area.

When he´d told her he´d lived in Hackney as a child, she immediately warmed up to him.

And she chatted to him about everything that had happened in the area lately.

Carmen and Remus sat on that balcony for at least an hour and they just chatted about everything. He even told her about his Moskva trip, he left out some details, of course, they weren't that close.

But Remus had to admit it felt pretty nice to have someone his own age to talk with. Someone normal. Someone that reminded him of–

“Are you staying here for long then?” she asked, and that question bought Remus back to the planet.
“Here at the hotel or?” he asked a bit confused.

She threw her head back in a laugh, “No silly, here in London of course,” Carmen corrected.

“Uh yeah, but I can't pay for a hotel for much longer, was thinking of finding a room or a flat for rent,” Remus explained as he remembered that issue.

“Really?” she raised a brow. “Well, I happen to know a bloke who rents out a room in his flat,” Carmen informed him before she took a pen out of her pocket.

“Sounds hopeful, where is his flat at?”

“Soho, right by old Compton Street, you know where that is?” she gave him a bit of a look.

Not one Remus could explain in words, but one that would have probably bothered him when he was fifteen. Remus wasnt fifteen anymore.

“I think I´ve been before, but isn't rent in that area bloody disgraceful?” Remus raised a brow.

Carmen shrugged her shoulders, “I mean it's pricier than in these ends, but Im sure King could give you a deal you´d both agree on?” she said as she handed him the small piece of paper. “He´s a fair man yeah?”

“Yeah, I´ll check it out,” Remus nodded at her gratefully.

And he didnt just agree to it to be polite. Cause he really did need a place to stay.

Carmen focused on her fag a bit until her interest landed back on Remus.

“Can I ask what you´re doing here, in London I mean, if that´s not too personal of a question mister dark and mysterious,” the brunette asked with a toss of her hair.

Remus had to chuckle at her description of him, a very inaccurate one as well. Because Remus wasnt like that at all. Right?

“Well no, it's not too personal, but well, I am working on a wee project,” Remus told her while looking down into his cup.

Looking at the tea leaves on the bottom.

Looking for a shape to interpret.

Like he´d done so many years ago.

“A project you say? That's very vague you know, even for you,” she snorted, it was an ugly sound.

Remus nodded slowly, “It is, to be quite honest im vague to myself as well. Im not sure what this project is. Might be a writing thing actually,” he admitted for the first time out loud.

Carmen didnt look as surprised as Remus felt. Honestly, Remus´ words might have been more of a surprise to him than to her.

“You look the part,” She said with a smile. “I do wish you luck on your project, seems well I dunno, exciting maybe? Not everyone here in London can honestly admit that they get to work with their heart in it,” Carmen looked down at the city under them.

“London´s depressive, calling, killing whenever she can,” Remus mumbled the words as he felt them burning through him. “She´s all of us.”

“See, I knew you were the poetic type,” Carmes said while smiling despite the heavy matter of talk. “Are you alone here, or are there any of your people in this big depressive soup?”

Remus sighed, almost self-pityingly. “You could say so, well in one way,” Remus wasnt sure why he was telling this girl out of everyone.

Maybe it was the air around her that told him he should. Or maybe Remus was just desperate to whine and complain.

She sat up a little, leaning a bit closer. “Now you´ve got to tell me, you´re getting me all worked up in my seat.”

Remus almost opened his mouth, before he thereafter bit his tongue.

It was the neverending spectacle of life. Was he to talk to open up, or to silence himself because of the fears of his past?

The evil cycle never ended, but so didn´t Remus life. Tho sometimes he wished he´d been hurt that night.

That thought used to creep up on him sometimes, especially when he was alone, but not exclusively to when he was alone. Remus felt it sometimes among people. And that was when it hurt the most.

The likeliness for Remus to tell the girl he´d known for less than a day the things he´d kept inside for years were small.

But nonetheless, he told her.

And he himself couldn't properly understand it even when he opened his mouth to open his heart.

“Well I used to have friends here, but well, shit happened back when i was just a kid and we moved without informing anyone, we sorta had to,” Remus found himself fiddling with his hands. When he spoke about things that weren't normal for him to talk about Remus always did that. Most likely to distract himself from what he really was doing. But something he knew he had to say out loud.

For his own sake

“Shit that's terrible, is there any way you can contact them?” She inhaled.

Exhaled.

Inhale, “I found some letters, or well about a hundred of them from this girl I knew.” Exhale.

“Oh Really? she must have fancied you a lot,” She said with a chuckle.

Remus almost chuckled himself. “No not me and Lily, never. She´s just a friend. The last letter was dated a few weeks ago, she left a number on the bottom of it,” Remus was not sure why he said it. Perhaps he wanted the encouragement to make another call. The encouragement he couldn't get from himself.

Carmen gasped. “Call her, you must absolutely call her, poor girl, writing a hundred letters to a bloke who won´t even make a call,” she rolled her eyes.

“Oh but I did, yesterday at least, but someone else answered, someone I'd rather not talk to,”

“Typical men... Listen, just try again, if she´s really written that many letters to you, she must care for you deeply, and well maybe your dark soul needs that in your life,” she told him like she knew him for years.

A human knower this Carmen was most certainly. 

“But what if– well I mean, what if he answers instead?” Remus sounded how whiny he sounded.

“Oh come on Lupin, you won't know unless you try? Don't be a wuss now,” She looked very real.

And he knew Carmen was right.

Wuss or no wuss, he had to try again. Because he missed her. Lily. and maybe he missed them too, but he wouldn't allow himself to get that far

“You´re really annoying you know,” he mumbled.

She grinned madly as she threw away her fag end down on the pavement below. “I usually am–”

“Estrada! Your break was over five minutes ago,” A tired man with a hollow face appeared in the doorframe. He was the textbook definition of overworked so it didnt surprise Remus when the man shot him a dirty look. Fuck customer service anyway.
Carmen rolled her eyes, “Yeah alright Dave, im coming I was just helping this young lost soul,” she told as she began walking.

Remus let out a short breathy chuckle while looking at the scene in front of him.

“I´m sure you were Estrada, now get back to work, we´re very unmanned today, and Bel needs help in the kitchen–”

The girl looked a bit taken aback. “What? But im, not kitchen staff. That's not fair,” she protested.

Dave, whom Remus assumed the man's name was, sighed. “I am aware, but I can't do anything about it, so quit complaining and just do it this once. I will look into hiring more people around,” he mumbled last to himself.

“Fine, but you owe me,” she said while grabbing her things before she turned around swiftly looking back to Remus. “Oh and Lupin, call her alright,” she looked at him a bit sternly.

Remus pressed his mouth into a thin line. “Yes boss, I´ll try again,” he promised before they both left. And he was back to sitting there alone, staring down at the city where everyone was hiding.

Hiding from secrets.

*

“Hello? This is Evans,” the soft voice said on the phone.

Remus almost hung up as some sort of reflex.

But he stopped himself.

He prepared his voice, “Hi, this is Lily Evans yes?”

“This is her yes, do I know you?” he could hear the scepticism in her voice.

Remus bit his lip, what should he say? Shit. He really wasnt prepared to make this call. Four years and he couldn't even prepare himself properly for this.

“Are you alone?” he decided to go with.

“What?”

“Uhm I didnt mean it in a scary im coming to your flat sorta way, did it come across like that? Fuck I just meant—”

“Remus?”

He shut his mouth.

Inhale.

“I´m sorry it´s just– you sounded like a friend of mine,” she said in a very breathy voice.

Exhale.

Remus felt bad, he couldn't lie to her face.

“Listen Lily you can´t tell anyone– is there anyone around you?”

“No, Oh my goodness, it´s really you Remus! Fuck, I mean it's you?” Her voice clanged through the phone, she sounded so incredibly happy. Remus couldn't help it when his serious face melted into a grin.

“It's me Lils, but–”

“Yes yes, im alone right now,” she sounded very honest. Not that Remus would believe that Lily would ever lie to him.

“I don't know what to say, it's been so long..” Lily´s voice softened.

It was quiet for a second.

“Why haven´t you called before? Why haven´t you reached out Remus, it´s been four years,” she asked him, and this time Remus couldnt tell the emotion in her voice.

He sighed, “I will explain everything, you will understand,” Remus told her as his hard grip on the telephone got harder.

Did he really think an explanation really justify four years of disappearance?

“Meet me, please,” he wanted to sit down. Meet her. See her. Talk to her. Hug her.

“Of course, yes, I would love nothing more Remus, where are you right now?”

Remus smiled. “Im in London Lily, well Mile End to be precise.”

“You´re in London?” she asked, but not really asked, in her cheery voice., “I know a lovely pub in that area–”

“Day drinking are we Lily?” he chuckled.

Lily laughed along. “Shut ya gob.”