I refuse to forget
Peter
Nobody remembers Peter Parker. It’s like he never existed at all. He still existed on paper of course….but paper doesn’t help with loneliness.
Maybe it’s better this way. Everyone who knows Peter Parker ends up getting hurt.
His parents.
Uncle Ben.
Tony.
Aunt May.
(Her death was still so fresh. Like a raw wound that refused to heal. Though Peter doesn’t know if he even wants it to heal, to havethe pain fade.)
It’s why he can’t bring himself to face MJ or Ned. They’re better off without him. Safer not knowing him at all.
After May’s death everything happened Peter was forced to downsize. Taking the most important things with him. Clothes, his suit, the old photo album… in the end it all fit in two duffel bags. (It felt weird seeing his entire existence packed up in two bags.) So Peter moved into a smaller apartment. Two rooms total with close to no furniture.
Though it wasn’t like he made all that much of an effort to change that. Peter couldn’t even bear to unpack his things after all.
The thing nobody tells you about wiping the global memories of yourself, is how lonely it is to be forgotten. It shouldn’t have been surprising really, when nobody remembers you of course you’re on your own.
Or at least nobody should remember Peter.
(Deadpool had been the exception, but when was the merc not?)
Who Peter hadn’t expected to remember him was Ben Reilly.
Ben Reilly is technically Peters clone. Or Spider-Mans clone more accurately.( Even if it’s been years since Peter hadn’t thought of him as his brother. )
Originally Ben was designed as a way for Jackal to torture Spider-Man. Being on the same level with Peter both in physique and experience made him a physical threat as well of course. But that wasn’t really the Jackals intention. (At least from what Ben had told him)
So when Ben didn’t sufficiently get to Spider-Man for Jackals liking, the sociopath decided to use Peters brother as a test subject to improve his cloning technology.
Killing Ben and putting him in a new body over and over……
He drove Ben mad, until Jackal was killed by the weapon he made Ben into.
Ben became the new Jackal after that. Without his spider sense Peter wouldn’t have even recognized him. (He still feels guilty about it, who doesn’t recognize their own sibling/clone??)
Though luckily Ben doesn’t seem to be mad at Peter for that.
It took a long time for Ben to get better. And Peter still isn’t sure what exactly happened to help his brother.
None of that stopped Peter or May from taking Ben in though. May had been the one to come up with his name. (Ben after uncle Ben and Reilly after her own maiden name)
Eventually Ben went off to “find himself”
Peter had only seen him briefly after that. Ben had been avoiding Peter.
Understandably
He was grateful to the Scarlet Spider for looking after Queens when Spider-Man couldn’t for a bit.
But because Ben was as aloof as he was Peter didn’t have the chance to yet.
To make a long story short; Peter was shocked to suddenly be alerted to his brother joining him on the rooftop he was currently sitting on.
Hi! Hi! Cluster mate! Hi! Hi!
His spider sense is beyond excited at the prospect of the fellow spider. Which should be weird since spiders are usually solitary. But Peter is human too and humans aren’t….so maybe that’s the reason?
He doesn’t turn around to watch as his brother sits down beside him, trying his best not to spook the guy. Does he remember Peter? If yes how much? Does the spell affect him differently because of the genes? Do they count as one person under the spell? Do spells even work like that?
“What are you thinking about now P?”
“Wh-what… I- sorry I-I wasn’t- I- didn’t”
“You weren’t thinking about something? Please, I know that look you get when your mind goes a hundred miles a minute.”
Peter half expects him to keep talking, not realizing for a moment Ben is waiting for an answer because he’s stuck on the implication that….
“You remember me.” It comes out a whisper, like it’s the most valuable secret in the world. Because right now it might be for him.
Ben doesn’t answer. Doesn’t need to. Or at least he doesn’t get to.
Because Peter is on him faster than he can reply. Hugging his brother tight enough it would’ve hurt a most humans. Hold him as if Ben could disappear again any moment.
Ben’s gotten bigger over the last couple years. Peter barely reaches his shoulders now. But his heartbeat is still the same. And he still smells like Ben.
Because after everything it’s still Ben.
Safe.
Peter can’t stop the tears that begin to fall at that. It’s Ben. It’s Ben and he remembers.
Peter doesn’t know how they get to his tiny, cold apartment. He can barely see between the tears that won’t stop falling.
They still manage to somehow.
Ben sits them down on the mattress, that’s pretty much the only furniture in the entire apartment.
Peter thinks he should be embarrassed about the state of the place. How depressing it really is in here.
But for now none of that seems to matter. For now nothing besides his brother matters. Because right now;
Peter isn’t alone anymore.
He doesn’t know if he’s crying because he’s relieved or overwhelmed or if the grief he’s been pushing down for weeks now is finally catching up to him.
Peter falls asleep in Ben’s arms that night. And for the first night in a long time the nightmares leave him be.
Benji
Benjamin Reilly’s life was shit. And that wasn’t him being dramatic. No his life was objectively shit. Now somebody who didn’t know who Ben might ask:
“What makes a life objectively shit? Why is yours so special?”
And to those people he’d secondly like to say “fuck off” paired with “mind your own fucking business”, but first and foremost; when you die so often that literal death feels bad for you, you get to claim your official ‘my life sucks more than urs, pussy’-badge.
So yes Ben’s life sucks. Officially.
Though even Ben has to admit when someone has a worse life than his (currently at least). And he can even admit that when it’s his brother.
(Look at that! Ben Reilly, letting his Brother/the DNASponsor he was cloned from/closest friend (he’ll take that last one too his grave) get a win? What growth! What character development!)
Because having everyone forget you, after you basically sacrificed your entire adolescence for them, is horrific. And the only reason Ben even remembers Peter is because at some point he believed he was the real Peter.
And even now a piece of him is built on the same memories. Fuzzy sure, but they’re still his.
Only one problem though; he is forgetting his Brother too. He knows he is, because he had memories taken before. (Even if it was a science thing and not magic (eww))
It’s terrifying. Ben doesn’t want to forget. He can’t be with out Peter again. He can’t. He can’t. Nononononono. Without Peter it’s so cold. So empty. Like there’s a whole in his chest and it won’t stop aching. Peter’s the light in Ben’s life. The person who believed in Ben, when everyone else didn’t. Peter who’s kind, and forgiving, and annoyingly sweet and bright and warm. Before Peter came along Ben was always cold and empty. And when the blip happened and he was suddenly alone again, and the world was cold cold coldcoldcold.
Deep breaths.
No point in freaking out scarlet.
Ben hadn’t always like his brother very much. Not many people would like the person that they think stole their life. So Ben doesn’t feel all that torn up about it.
He does feel bad about trying to kill Peter (more than once)
And about the whole “becoming the new Jackal”.
And Ben feels bad about leaving Peter and Aunt May. He felt trapped in Peters shadow, Spider-Man’s shadow, and wanted to find something for himself.
To be his own person and make his own choices.
That’s why he hadn’t been there to stop Peter from going off world.
Why he couldn’t protect his family from the devastation.
(Why he didn’t stop Peter from getting in over his head, involved with the Avengers and getting in way over his head in general. Because Ben knows better than to leave “Spider-Puppy” alone to make “new friends”.)
So when Peter died and Scarlet Spider took over the duty of protecting queens. He owed his brother that much at least. And if Ben made it a point to actively avoid the people, that got his family killed, that’s his business and his alone.
Being the friendly neighborhood spider is a hard job. Not thankless. But not easy either. For five years Ben did his best.
Growing older.
forgetting the sound of his brothers voice, the smell of May’s perfume, the taste of half burned cookies they used to bake together
And he realized that in the end it wasn’t being Spider-Man or being Peter Parker, that could fill that lonely chasm in his heart. The one that the old Jackal left, when he revealed Ben was nothing but a cheap imitation of someone great.
No what had kept the loneliness away was having a place where he belonged. Having his brother.
Year after year the pain got worse. The shame of being so horrible to his brother, of Ben’s own failure, grew.
So much, that when they came back, Ben couldn’t bear to look his family in the eyes.
And because at his core Ben is a stupid idiot, that never learns anything ever.
He ran again.
He left them behind.
And then Mysterio came along. That fishbowl used Peters grief and inexperience. That selfish drone-fucker used Peter.
Ben came running the second he saw the video. Because some wannabe illusionist set his brother up! But he was too far away and hadn’t gotten there in time.
In the end he couldn’t stop the villain.
He managed to hold off the other versions of himself when the mess got even bigger. Sure.
But he couldn’t stop the spell.
And now Ben was forgetting about Peter. Slowly, fighting it all the way, but forgetting nonetheless.
A wise man knows when the war is lost.
Maybe Jackal(that old bastard) was right all along with calling Ben;
“nothing but a foolish boy.”
After all, isn’t that who’s sitting here now?
Not the vigilante.
Not the rogue.
Not the hate-filled weapon.
But the foolish boy.
The scared child, clutching his equally scared brother. Desperately trying to shield both of them from the cruel world, closing in on them.
He’s bigger than Peter now, getting five years of growth on your brother tends to do that. But no matter how much bigger than Peter he is. Ben can’t stop the spell, that’s trying to tear them apart.
All he can do is hold on to him. Hold on tight and not let go. Even when the sun finally sets over the city and the bone deep tiredness settles in.
Peter keeps sobbing and Ben keeps holding him.
————
Ben stays awake long after Peter passed out next to him.
He makes a makeshift nest, his own duffel bag and the two bags Peter hasn’t even unpacked yet as pillows, draping the big blanket his aunt kept in her bedroom over them. Because it still smells like her, so for now it feels like she’s here.
He settles in next to Peter. (He looks so small, so broken.)
Ben can barely keep his eyes open now and so he finally relents to his body. Falling asleep next to his brother.
“I wish this would all stop. I wish I didn’t have to forget, I wish we wouldn’t have to be alone.”
It’s the last thing Ben remembers before opening his eyes to a world tinged in burning green.