Just another day
He awoke to a body nestled infront of his, snoring gently, his arm wrapped round the bodies waist and another tucked under its head. James didn't need to recall last night to know that it was Sirius he was protectively curled around. It's always Sirius, back to chest, knees to back of knees, hips nestled together. Sirius only ever slept when he was beside James, well thats a lie, he only ever slept soundly next to James.
There were times when he had tried to sleep alone, only to have nightmares that he couldnt wake from, nightmares that had him screaming. Those nights James would climb into bed besides his brother, curl around him as he is doing now and mutter softly to him. Tell him that he's safe, that they cant get him, that hes dreaming. Hes safe and loved and wanted. Over and over until either the screaming stopped or he awoke pale and breathless.
It was easier if Sirius simply slept in James's bed, no nightmares, no screaming loud enough to wake the school, no whimpering or shaking, just the endless darkness that is sleep.
James lay there for a while (letting sirius drool on his arm) thinking, thinking about how to get Regulus in a similar position, how to get the boy to speak to him outside of taunts and lessons. Wondering if he also liked his hair to be played with? If he also had nightmares? The thought of him being plagued the same as Sirius set James's blood on fire again. The urge to apparate to Black Manor and throw killing curses until everyone inside was cold, unseeing, Dead.
James was many things, he was charming and charasmatic, competitive and loud, a bleeding heart and a heart of ice.
Many things made up James Potter, many conflicting things. Fiercely loyal and unnervingly treacherous. He was goodness and love and light but he was also dark and hatred and evil. All wrapped into one, there was nothing about him simple, regardless of outside opinion.
Sirius stirred, and it was close enough to the time he would be waking that James didnt feel guilty about sliding out from around him and stalking to the shower.
He washed and dried quickly, dressed even faster, did his usual morning ritual without the music and then flung himself out of the dorm and into the common room.
Moony had cleaned up the food mess from last night (bless him) leaving James free to flee through the portrait and start down the stairs.
He made it outside right as the sun was cresting into the sky, washing away the darkness from the night. He sat in one of the alcoves of the courtyard, papers, roach and illicit substance in his hands for him to roll.
James had liked weed from the moment he had tried it, he had liked a few other substances too but this was his favourite. Much to Remuses dissaproval he also liked cigarettes and if he didnt want to smoke a joint but did want to smoke that was what he did. He was doing that now, rolling his joint and smoking a cigarette. It hung out the aide of his mouth as he worked, occasionally he'd flick ash off the end so not to contaminate his little project. He was good at this, sitting and rolling, quiet and concentrated. It was rare his ADHD gave him more than a few minutes of concentration but he was good at this.
He was (once again) so enthralled in what he was doing he hadnt noticed the figgure watching him. They were sat directly across the courtyard from him, legs tucked under them in an alcove. He didnt notice when the figgure began watching him, watching what his hands were doing as them themselves placed a cigarette in theit mouth and lit it with a tiny flame from their wand.
Slowly, like approaching a startled animal it moved, the figgure walked closer until he was stood an arms reach from James, watching how his fingers pinched and rolled and moved, watching the way he would inhale the cigarette smoke and without moving it blow it back out.
James had by this point noticed the figgure, how close it was, how they had come almost within arms reach. They were close enough that even the hood they wore and the hair sheilding their face James would recognise thise eyes anywhere.
Silver eyes stared at his hands, watching silently (and slightly unnervingly) as he dropped another joint onto his little pile.
James doesn't look up, he keeps rolling and very quietly says
"Good morning Regulus" trying (very hand and unsuccessfully) to hide the smirk on his face. There was silence for a heartbeat, maybe two before a small voice spoke
"Good morning James"
James had forgotten how soft spoken Regulus was, he had forgotten the effect that his voice had on him. Electricity seemed to zip up every nerve in his body, lighting him up from the inside.
"Walk with me?" It was slightly more a demand than question from Regulus and well James was powerless.
His hands stilled on the final joint in his fingers, the 4th one, and slowly he looked up. Regulus was within arms reach now, his eyes staring at James' hands, his mouth open ever so slightly as though he was mesmerised by them. Reguluses hair was being hit by the early morning light now, He didnt know what he thought would happen, when it hits Siriuses hair it throws colours you wouldnt of thought could be in his black locks. The oposite happened with Regulus, the light that hit his hair seemed to be absorbed by it, none of it threw reds and browns it only seemed to make his hair darker by contrast.
it was mesmerising; watching the colours vanish into the abys of his hair, and the only thought that James had was how much it reflected that thing that would prowl in his bones. That and how much he wanted to touch it, how much he wanted to use it to pull his head back to feast on the skin of his throat. How much he wanted to sink his fingers in until he could touch the scalp, how the curls might coil around his fingers.
Regulus cocked his head to one side and snapped James back to the present moment from inside his own head. With speed he didnt know he possessed he all but threw his things into his bag, packed up the joints into a little tin Remus had given him and stood.
There was very little room between the two boys now, James had never noticed how Regulus was smaller than him, by a full head no less. It was distracting.
Then Regulus moved, walking with intent through the courtyard to the other side of the castle. It was a brisk pace, they walked fast enough that James didnt have time to wonder where they were going, never straying from his one mission to follow Regulus (anywhere he might go) It was a few minutes before they came to a stop. They were on the banks of the black lake, it was here that Regulus sunk to the grass and sat facing forward. James sank to the banking beside him and there they sat, in silence. For once James didnt feel the need to fidgit, didnt feel the need to move or talk he was content sitting next to regulus.
He was content in watching the way the sun caressed the younger boys face, casting a golden glow to him, causing those silver eyes to twinkle and shimmer, it made his cheekbones and jaw sharper causing James's train of thought to stutter. He was otherworldly, something he couldn't of drempt up.
"I thought you might like your jumper back?" Regulus never looked away from the reflections on the lake, never turned to meet James' waiting gaze he simply pulled a jumper out from his bag and passed it to James.
"I... Thankyou" James spoke softly, taking the familiar wool jumper and trying desperatley not to sniff it. He stuffed it into his own bag, and leant back onto the grass.
"You didn't have to give it back you know" He said.
"You didn't have to give it to me" Was the snarked response before Regulus pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. "You got me out of there, Dorcas said you recognised a ptsd flashback and you got me out before the smoke could reach us"
"I did and I do."
"Why? How?"
James sighed and pulled himself forward so he was sat crosslegged next to Regulus, so close he could touch him. "I've been friends with your brother for a long time. I've held him through many a flashback, I've healed many a wound. I know what they look like because he has them too. A single word, a random noise can triggor them, even a smell and suddenly he isnt Sirius. He is, he always will be Sirius but in those moments his mind, his body they dont belong to him. In those moments hes the older brother, hes the heir to house black, he is 10 years old or 9 or 8 or 11 or 12 and he can't fight back. He cant make it stop. In those moments he both is and isn't himself. He sleeps for a while after them too you know, but only if we're there with him." James hadnt meant to info dump on Regulus (Did he ever mean to give as much information as he did with Regulus?)
Regulus had turned, now facing James, eyes devoid of anything he could read as he breathed steadily in and out.
"I should of thought of that" He said after a while of simply staring. "He always got the brunt of it. Always pushing them so they wouldnt see me, always taking the blame even when he knew the concequences." There was something in his voice that James could only decipher as longing, longing for the brother that had ran.
"I never hated him, Surely he must know that? His antics are childish, silly; but ive never hated him. Even when he ran and I didnt, I didnt stay because i hate him. I didn't stay out of love for our parents either. I hope he knows that" Regulus said, and suddenly James's mind was filled with the idea that Regulus could be pulled into the safety net that James was. He could be reunited with his brother.
"Thank-you for the use of your jumper." Reguluses voice was low and quiet and in the morning sun nothing would ever have been a more beautiful sight or sound to James.
"Why did you give it back?"
"I needed an excuse to see you, its the same reason you gave it to me isnt it? The excuse of getting to see eachother outside of a classroom?"
"Now that is a brilliant idea, but sadly i didnt come up with it. I gave you the jumper because you were freezing, shaking. You only began to stop after being in my arms, so i gave you the jumper. Something of mine and something to keep you warm." James was toying with the sleeve of the jumper as he spoke, an idea forming before he pulled it out of the bag, and placed it in Reguluses lap.
"Keep it. I have more" He winked. The way Regulus looked right now, the idea of him wearing James's clothes it set off a certain kind of possessive need within James. So before he could do anything stupid (like kiss him) James yanked a joint out of the little tin and placed it between his lips before conjuring a tiny flame to light it.
He inhaled the smoke, before holding it to Regulus.
The second Regulus took the joint from him James knew his mistake. He couldnt of looked away if there was a dragon trying to eat him, the way the boys mouth parted as he brought it up to his teeth, the way it hung between his firstfinger and thumb before his mouth closed around it and dragged the smoke into his lungs.
A fatal mistake. James will never be the same the thinks, Maybe its the weed talking but hes pretty sure it's his own thought.
They sat like that, watching the sun reflect off the lake, passing the joint between themselves until the colours sparkled on the surface but stayed there. Until the sun was in its rightful spot in the sky and the birds were singing.
It could of been hours or minutes they sat there, James had no idea. All james knew was the smell of smoke, the buzzing feeling within is brain and the eyes of the boy sitting next to him.
At somepoint they had turned to face eachother, they had begun tracing eachothers features with their eyes, each lingering on the other lips for extra time. James had catalogued every shade of silver in his eyes, every way the boys mouth moved when inhaling, the way his throat bobbed on the exhale.
With no thoughts in his head (Head empty, no thoughts) James lifted his hand and cupped Reguluses face, the need to touch the smooth skin hed been tracking with his eyes too strong. His thumb ran across Reguluses cheek bone, just under his eye and much to his surprise there was no fear in those grey eyes. There was no apprehension or anger, infact all James could find in there was want.
James's thumb ran its way across his lower lip, pink, pillowey soft lip. There was only one thought in his head now and it was of how badly he wanted to kiss him. It was an entity of its own, the urge, the need to feel those lips on his own. He leant forward before he was even sure of what he was going to do, thumb running across that lip again.
James pulled his gaze from reguluses mouth to find two silver eyes staring at him, pupils blown so far out that there was only a strip of silver showing. He was so close now that he could smell the smoke and coffee on Reguluses breath, millimetres away. How badly he wanted this, how badly it would hurt Sirius thoughts of a similar nature rolled around his head, bumping into eachother and causing James to hesitate
"Please" Regulus whispered and any thought of betrayl to his soul-brother went straight out his head. He wants this too is all he could think as he lowered his head and their lips touched.