Blue Christmas

Her heart sinks as soon as she steps out of the room. It aches for her injured wife, for her inability to talk with her, for that damn page. Carina knows they need to have a conversation, but she is so uncertain about how to start it, about opening her heart once again to Maya. She is absolutely terrified of hearing hurtful words back.

Before she realizes it, she is in front of the room she's been page to. It really is unusual having this many complicated labours on Christmas. She wants to curse the world for this happening right when Maya is in a hospital bed. Her stomach turns in concern for the blonde. A brain bleed. When will they catch a break? 

She stops for a second, and takes a deep breath, jumping into doctor mode. 

Sally, the patient pregnant with twins, is screaming in pain, heavy bleeding soaking the sheets of the hospital bed. Carina acts quickly as she examines the woman, only to confirm that an emergency C-Section will be needed - and fast. 

This will not be quick as she promised her wife.

As they move the patient in a hurry to the OR, Carina quietly whispers to the nurse next to her. "Can you please page someone to cover for me? My wife was just admitted with a brain bleed." 

The nurse's eyes widen and he nods, running back to the station. The brunette really hopes he can find someone to come soon. 

Though the worry is there, eating her insides, Carina DeLuca is as professional and competent as always. The surgery takes hours and she asks for updates on Maya. She is glad to learn that her wife is stable. 

She is also grateful that they stopped Sally's partner, Mary, from entering the OR. Though the twins James and Luke were born healthy, the mother flatlined twice. The OB was able to bring her back both times and she is finally stable now. 

Carina is about to close the patient when Dr. Janet Coburn, a new OB who started a few months ago, arrives already scrubbed in. Carina can only sigh in relief. 

"I'm sorry for the delay, Dr. DeLuca. I was called to the ER as soon as I arrived. It seems like it's a very busy Christmas for moms and babies. I'll take it from here. Go see your wife."

The Italian gives her fellow doctor an overview of the patient's condition before thanking her and hurrying back to Maya's room. She takes the stairs, feeling too restless to wait for the elevator. She longs to see her wife's smile. 

However, what she finds when she gets to the door makes her heart stop. The room is empty. Maya is not there. 

Her brain immediately takes her back to Andrea, to when she came back from getting a coffee only to see a bloodied floor. She never saw her brother alive after that. She never looked into his blue eyes again. She only touched his cold hands. 

When was the last time she touched Maya? When was the last time she told her wife she loved her? Why didn't she take the blonde's hands into her own when they were in that same room hours earlier?

Carina stays frozen in place, unable to move, to cry, to feel. She just stares at the room. She sees the sunlight coming through the window. It's already morning. It's Christmas morning and her wife is dead. Just like her brother. And she couldn't say goodbye. It feels wrong to see the sunshine, to see light at all. 

Soon, a gentle hand is placed on her shoulder. She turns, stoically. Dr. Kwan is right in front of her. She cannot even find the strength to yell at him. She just stares at the intern, eyes dull.

"Dr. DeLuca, Lieutenant Bishop is in surgery right now. She had a seizure shortly after you were paged. Dr. Shepherd has already drained the bleeding and she is now repairing the blood vessels. Your wife is stable."

Carina nods, still motionless. She frowns after a while as if just now understanding the words said.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes, I paged her as soon as Lieutenant Bishop's condition started to decline."

Once again, the Italian just nods. She should feel relief. Maya is alive. Carina knows her friend is the very best and the firefighter is in the best hands possible. Yet, she can only think about Andrea, about losing again someone she loves so deeply. 

"I'll give you more updates soon. I need to go back."

Dr. Kwan waits for any sign of acknowledgement of his words but the OB just stands there, looking at the window. He worries about the woman but soon leaves, knowing it's best to make sure her wife is okay. 

Carina doesn't know how long she is in the room. Alone. She keeps losing everyone she loves. Her mamma. Her fratello. Her wife. She is all alone. A shiver runs through her and the room suddenly feels too cold, too empty. She cannot stay there anymore. 

She moves numbly around the hospital. She goes to the maternity floor. At the nursery, she looks at the twins she just delivered. She sees Mary smiling lovingly at the babies. The woman waves excitingly at the Italian, but Carina only gives her a small smile. 

The OB feels as if her heart is breaking into a thousand pieces.

She will never see Maya smile like that at their baby, experience that joy. They will never become mothers. Even though they are in such a dark place right now, Carina never stopped loving the firefighter, never stopped wishing they could still have a child, add more love to their family. 

The sight proves to be too much so she decides to go to her office. She doesn't want to see anyone. She can't stand looking around and seeing that the world hasn't stopped as it should. There should be no laughter, no sunlight. 

She opens the door to find Teddy sitting on the couch with two cups of coffee. The cardio doctor stands up as soon as she sees her friend.

"Amelia called me. I thought you'd like some coffee while we wait for the surgery to be over."

In a different situation, Carina would have appreciated the gesture, her friend's kindness and support. But she can't feel anything at all. 

"It's Christmas, Teddy. You should be with your kids. I'm okay."

"Carina…"

"I've been through this before. I know how it goes."

Only this time I don't have Maya by my side to support me, to hold me, to take care of me, she thinks to herself. 

At the comment, Teddy stays quiet. She knows it all too well. The pain of losing Andrew DeLuca in her OR was still so very clear. The stillness of his heart haunts her to this day. The blonde just sits on the couch then, giving her friend space. 

Carina eyes her and sighs as she notices her friend will not leave. Exhausted, the Italian takes a seat next to the woman. She doesn't take the coffee though. She cannot fathom even tasting her favourite drink right now. Everything feels wrong without Maya. 

The two doctors stay silent as they wait. Teddy glances worriedly at the Italian. It's terrifying seeing her usually lively friend so quiet, devastated, and numb. She just hopes for Amelia to come soon with good news. 

Luckily, her hopes are answered as they hear a knock on the door. The person doesn't wait for a response to come in. 

Carina, however, doesn't look up immediately. She doesn't want to see that dreadful look on her friend's face. She doesn't want to hear, once again, the most devastating words. She doesn't want to live in a world without Maya. This simply cannot be how they end. So she stays frozen on the couch, looking at the floor.

"Maya is okay. The surgery went great."

The Italian looks up at the neurosurgeon as if she is speaking in a foreign language. Her heart stops and she holds her breath. 

Amelia gives her a wide, reassuring smile. "Maya is alive. She is okay, Carina."