Blue Christmas

She is in a fucking hospital room. Again. The same walls. The same lights. The same smell. 

Except for those damn Christmas decorations, which, in fact, only make things worse. And the brain bleed, which also doesn't sound any better than the rhabdomyolysis. 

She feels like shit but still surprisingly well for such a diagnosis. She really thought she would be feeling worse after the vomiting and the fainting and the brain bleed.

A brain bleed. God, she could really use a break after this. 

She's wearing a gown and she absolutely hates it. She feels exposed and vulnerable. Her eyes are sensitive to light and she is dizzy but, once again, could be worse right? Is it weird that it isn't? 

She's been hooked to what feels like a thousand machines. The neurosurgeon came in twice and Dr. Kwan was as pale as a ghost when he came to measure her pressure. They medicated her and told her that now she would need to rest. They will monitor her to ensure the bleed is controlled. It should solve on its own, Dr. Nelson said. He seemed surprised at how well she was responding after everything that happened, and that was a bit unsettling. So she's not a big fan of the man. The alternative, however, would probably be Amelia and she hasn't faced the woman after the treadmill incident. Maya suspects that Shepherd would give her a lecture. So sure, Dr. Nelson is fine. 

A nurse comes in to check on her and emphatically says that should the firefighter feel anything at all she should push the button immediately to call them. After that, she is finally alone — which isn't the best thing because she starts to feel the walls closing in on her. 

Maya's whole body seems to tremble as she anxiously stares at the room. The lights are dimmed because of the photophobia, but she can still see it all. 

It's a different situation, she has to remind herself. She did everything right this time. This isn't her fault. It's going to be okay. She's doing better. 

She tries to work on the breathing exercises that Diane taught her. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold. She repeats it over and over and over and over again. It helps a bit, but it's not enough to shake off the despair of being there again, and all the memories that threaten to overpower her brain. 

She also feels that running instinct rising from deep inside. Trying to claw its way to the surface. Screaming at her to just leave, to run away from Grey Sloan. Screw the brain bleed, just go. 

Her eyes are shut now. Her knuckles are white as she fists her hands desperately seeking to control the panic. God, why the hell did she get out of bed at all? 

She pauses at the thought. 

If she hadn't, maybe Lucy wouldn't have come out of that fire. Maybe no one would have heard the girl's soft cry or seen her little feet under the bed. 

It isn't her fault. She did everything right. She's doing better.

If she hadn't left the bed, she wouldn't have talked with Carina. They wouldn't have had that tiny special moment of lightness between them. She wouldn't have seen the Italian be so protective of her. 

It isn't her fault. She did everything right. She's doing better.

She repeats the words like a mantra as she continues to do the breathing exercises. She feels herself slowly calm down. The medication they gave her is likely kicking in too. 

She takes deep breaths as she gathers her strength to open her eyes. When she does, she is rewarded with the sight of her gorgeous wife. 

In seconds, however, she frowns as she notices Carina's expression. The Italian is clearly concerned. And by the haunted look on her face, probably struggling with the memories as well. 

Maya's mouth starts moving before she can even think.  

"I'm so sorry. I really wasn't feeling anything before the CT. I would have said something if I had felt any symptoms. I'm sorry that I'm here again. I'm sorry to put you in this position. I never wanted that. I don't ever want to hurt you again, Carina. I'll do everything they tell me to do. I just want to be better, to do better. I'm sorry."

She's out of breath after that as she lowers her head, feeling too self-conscious. She closes her eyes, fighting the dizziness. But the truth is Maya is afraid to look up. She hopes she didn't scare Carina away because she meant every word, even though the execution could have been much better. 

She feels the mattress dipping and finds the Italian sitting there. Maya fights the urge to hold her hand, to touch the brunette. Carina does just the same, her hands clasped on her lap. 

"It's okay, Maya. Just breathe."

The lieutenant does as she is told, inhaling deeply. The brunette is studying Maya closely as if searching for something. It doesn't make the firefighter uncomfortable though. She just takes in Carina's presence, the warmth that radiates from her.

"How are you feeling?" The Italian's voice is so soft that it sends a shiver through Maya. 

The blonde quickly composes herself, responding honestly. "I'm a little dizzy but not nauseous anymore. They gave me something for the headache too, so that's getting better."

The Italian hums and nods, still watching Maya carefully.

"How is Lucy? Did her results come back?" Maya asks with concern, hoping that the girl is okay. 

Carina's eyes soften at the question. "Yes, her lungs are clear. She's doing great."

The firefighter notices some hesitation from the OB. "What is it?"

"Lucy's mother finally got here."

"Oh…" Maya is caught off guard by the news. Her chest gets tighter and she's so very confused by it. She should be happy right? It's a good thing. "That's… umm… great."

The tightness gets worse somehow. Did the girl already leave? She wishes she could have said goodbye. Will they ever meet again? 

Carina can see Maya's struggle. She can tell that the connection with the girl really affected the lieutenant. 

"Lucy didn't want to leave without seeing you. It took a while, but I was able to convince her that you would record her a video and she could come to visit you later."

The goofy smile that flashes across Maya's face is enough for the Italian to have to fight the urge to kiss her wife. "Really?"

Carina smiles tenderly. "Si. A short video and then you'll rest, va bene?"

The firefighter only nods, secretly appreciating how her wife was speaking to her in her native language. Although she wanted to personally talk with the girl, she feels this is for the best. Not only she's sure the hospital room, gown and machines would scare the girl, but Maya is also starting to feel the weight of the insanely intense day. 

She's also getting a bit concerned about how well she feels considering her diagnosis. She has a sinking feeling it won't last long. Her head is threatening to start hurting again. 

The OB takes out her phone and opens the camera. "Are you ready?"

The blonde touches her hair, settling it down, before nodding. She starts speaking as soon as she hears the recording sound. 

"Hey, Lucy. Sorry that I couldn't say goodbye. I'm okay and I'm glad you're with your mom now. Thank you for your help. You're an incredible, brave girl. Take care, astronaut."

Carina can't help the smile that blooms as she watches Maya. The woman can be so infuriatingly stubborn and yet so unbelievably adorable and kind. The Italian thinks once again about how the person in front of her is her Maya. Her heart flutters in her chest. 

"Was that good?" The blonde suddenly feels so shy and uncertain. 

The OB gives her a sweet smile. "Yes, it was great."

"Can you send it to her now, please?"

Carina looks at her phone, quickly adjusts the light of the video, and sends it. "All done. I've sent it to her mama. I'm sure she'll be happy to watch it."

"Thank you, Carina. I know this is the last place you want to be right now. So… thank you."

The Italian sighs heavily. She's not sure what to say. She knows they need to talk. God, there's so much she needs to say. She can see that Maya is doing better. This whole night has proven her that. But still, Carina is so afraid, so doubtful. And now the brain bleed. Her heart aches. 

The silence is broken by a page. Her damn page. Carina wants to smash it against the wall. 

Maya grimaces at the sound as it echoes through her head. The brunette mouths an apology as she sees her wife's reaction. 

"You have to go. It's okay. I'm okay."

"I don't…" The Italian is interrupted once again. The 911 message causes her to furrow her brows. 

"Really. You can go. I need to rest now, remember?" Maya nods toward the door, a reassuring smile on her face. 

The OB's hands yearn to reach for Maya but she hesitates in touching her wife. God, why is everything so hard and confusing? "I'll be back soon. I'll just go tell them to call someone else."

"Go save lives." 

Maya watches as Carina hurries out of the door but not before stopping briefly to give the lieutenant one last glance.