Blue Christmas

December 24th, 2022 - 7:16 am

Carina DeLuca sighs as she looks at her phone and sees the time. It is way too early in the morning and she already hates this day. The Italian looks around her hotel room and she wants to scream. Very loud. She does the next best thing. She grabs the pillow next to her, puts it on her face and grunts, annoyed, upset, angry. As if it will be enough to drown out her own thoughts. It isn't. 

It's Christmas Eve and she is alone in a hotel room. 

She should be making biscotti just like her Nonna taught her. She should be home, preparing the feast for La Vigilia. Instead, she is in a cold, boring hotel room. No wife. No brother. No mother. Just alone. 

And of course, her wife is very much alive, but she feels like she lost her Maya in that hospital room. In fact, she lost her well before that. She could see the blonde spiralling, her health declining so quickly. But the firefighter ignored all of Carina's pleading requests to get help. She ignored her calls and even her presence in those last days before the accident. 

Walking out of that hospital room was the hardest thing she ever had to do. At night, she could still hear her wife's screams. The roughness and desperation in Maya's voice. It echoed in her mind every night. She could still see the blonde's anger-filled eyes as she threw Andrea's death in her face. It cut deeper than she thought it was possible. The love of her life had hurt her more than she had ever imagined she could. 

She has barely seen or spoken with Maya since. She went to the apartment to grab her shampoo — which she admits was a terribly lame excuse. Maya looked better and her words sounded sincere, but Carina has to protect herself. The pain is still too raw. 

She knows from Ben and Jack that Maya took her time to go back to the station. And Carina was glad for her, really. It was definitely a good sign, just not enough for Maya to trust her again. She has also learned that the blonde is no longer stuck at the desk. The lieutenant has recently gone back to responding to calls and she couldn't help but feel that all too familiar tight knot around her gut from concern. Could Maya fall back into that reckless, self-destructive pattern? Carina doesn't think she can survive that again. 

The Italian throws the pillow across the room in frustration. 

Realizing that it would be useless to stay in bed, with no chance in hell she would be able to go back to sleep, Carina decides to go out for coffee. She has a very long day ahead of her, and she craves an espresso. 

She almost regrets her decision as soon as she walks into the lobby. A very eager concierge smiles widely at her, wishing her a "Merry Christmas Eve." Carina has to fight the urge to roll her eyes at the woman.  

And she hates that she feels this way today. Because Christmas was a very big thing when she was little. She remembers her Nonna, Mama, and Zie working all day in the kitchen on Christmas Eve, preparing the most delicious meals so they could have their feast at night. It was filled with stories, laughter, and love. 

When her parents got divorced and her mother moved to the States with Andrea, Christmas completely lost its magic. It was never the same. She couldn't leave her Papa, but he was always very agitated, and more hurtful than usual around the holiday. It just became stressful. 

For years, decades, it stayed like that. Until she found Maya. 

The firefighter made Carina love Christmas again. They decorated their home together. She made her Nonna's biscotti recipe, which always made Maya moan in absolute delight at how tasty it was. She was surrounded by laughter and love once again. They shared loving kisses, promises, and orgasms in the morning. And it felt fantastico. 

That's why it hurts so much now. The holiday lost its magic once more. She was back to being alone. 

Carina grabs her coffee and walks to a park nearby, needing to clear her head. She doesn't know how long she wanders but suddenly she realizes she is standing right in front of the playground. There is a group of women with babies in strollers. A man playing with a little girl on the slide. And her heart breaks for what feels like the hundredth time that day. 

Every failed attempt left a deep scar. She could still feel the loneliness and despair caused by the last negative pregnancy test. 

The dream of having a child feels so distant right now. Because the truth is she only wants kids if Maya is in the picture. They only became a possibility when Carina moved in with the blonde. It was then that she started to imagine their life together, raising their children, and growing old. 

The tears fall without any warning, surprising even Carina. The Italian wipes them quickly and moves away, certain that a crying woman at the playground would draw unwanted attention. 

The time on her phone tells Carina that she walked for much longer than she thought she had. She still needs to buy Christmas gifts and pick up the buccellato at the Italian restaurant for tonight. 

She is going to Teddy's and Owen's for Christmas Eve dinner. Amelia insisted that she shouldn't be alone. When that didn't work, she practically begged Carina with a sad little story about being so devastated since she would be spending the holiday without Meredith and the kids. The Italian caved in, falling for Amelia's theatrics. Carina is absolutely dreading it, but it still sounds like a better alternative to spending it alone in her hotel, she thinks. 

The rest of the day goes in a haze. She curses herself for leaving the gift shopping at the last minute. The mall feels like a little franchise of hell with people running and arguing on every corner. When she finally finds the presents for Scout, Leo, and Alisson, she walks out completely drained. 

She tries to rest at the hotel, but she feels too restless. Her mind constantly takes her back to her wife. How is Maya today? Is she working? Or is she spending the holiday with Andy? Is she taking care of herself? 

Dio mio, how she misses Maya. She wishes she could go back in time, for just a moment, for when they were happy and lovely. She misses her wife's touch, the feeling of Maya's arms around her. She misses the smell of her hair and the ocean blue of her eyes. 

The Italian tosses around in bed until it is time to get ready for dinner. 

She almost turns back to the hotel once she is standing in front of Teddy's and Owen's home. She is suddenly very glad she decided to be on call for the night. The hospital will contact her if any mamas go into labour. Amelia is, of course, oblivious to this fact. The Italian didn't have the guts to tell her friend. She knows she is going to hear a long rant from the neurosurgeon, so she keeps it to herself. 

After taking a moment to gather her strength and put on her best polite face, Carina knocks on the door. Amelia is the one to open it. She gives the OB a wide smile and starts talking about the day, and how excited she is to taste the buccellato — comically mispronouncing the Italian word. The woman then leans closer to Carina, whispering.

"I have to warn you that Teddy and Owen are still in that neverending bicker, so if I were you I would stay clear from being alone with the two of them." She finishes with a wicked wink and a giggle. 

Carina can only laugh at her friend, welcoming Amelia's humour. 

To the OB's surprise, the night goes a lot smoother than she imagined. Her friends are kind enough to not mention Maya nor give her pitiful looks. In fact, they are very supportive and sweet. 

Still, it feels so very wrong to celebrate the date without her wife. There is a tightness in her chest that she doesn't seem able to shake off. 

So halfway through dinner, when she gets a call from the hospital, Carina almost jumps in excitement. She contains it though, apologizing to her friends and thanking them for the night. Amelia looks at her knowingly, but the Italian just shrugs and gives her an apologetic smile. 

She arrives at the hospital and finds absolute chaos. The ER is flooded with patients. She hears something about a fire and her stomach instantly drops. Her mind inevitably takes her to Maya, hoping the blonde is nowhere near that, praying she is safe at home or with Andy. 

She is about to text her wife's friend just to be sure when a nurse comes rushing in, urging Carina to follow her. One of the mamas had developed preeclampsia and her pressure was dangerously high. Carina quickly jumps into action. 

After a gruelling emergency C-section, where her patient coded three times but made it, Carina walks out of the OR tired and still concerned about Maya. She texts Andy, hoping the lieutenant would provide her with some much-needed reassurance that her wife is far away from the fire. 

She stares at her phone as if it would magically make a message appear. Instead, she gets paged to the ER. The Italian sighs, thinking that maybe she shouldn't have left Teddy's dinner. She would have stayed blissfully ignorant of the fire. 

Luckily, her consult is quick, and both the patient and her baby are well. She is about to leave the room when she catches, from the corner of her eyes, a glimpse of a blonde woman. Her heart immediately starts to beat faster. The Italian takes a few steps forward to have a better look. 

Maya is there. Maya is in the ER. She isn't safe in their, well her bed. She isn't with Andy. She is at Grey Sloan. Again. 

Carina's stomach turns and she fights a wave of nausea. She has to close her eyes, suddenly feeling lightheaded. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself. 

When she opens them once again, Carina is surprised by the sight in front of her. Maya's face is dirty with soot, but there is a wide smile on her face. She doesn't seem hurt, which makes Carina sigh heavily in relief. 

The Italian notices how her eyes are incredibly soft as she talks with a little girl. There is a lightness in Maya that the OB hasn't seen in so long. She is completely transfixed by the scene in front of her. There is something deeply enthralling about the way the girl's eyes shine in pure admiration at the firefighter, about how Maya seems so at ease with the child. 

There, Carina sees her Maya. She sees the sweet, caring, loving person she fell in love with. She sees the woman who had held her when her brother died, who stood by her side every second of that horrible day and the grief-filled ones that followed. She sees the love of her life. So very different from the reckless, angry, dismissive version Carina had lived with for so many months. 

She feels the strong and familiar pull moving her toward Maya. She can't take her eyes off of her. Her feet guide her to her wife. 

A mama and her bambini in the hospital, however, seem to have a different plan for Carina as she is paged once again. The Italian lingers for a second before reluctantly moving away from Maya, quickly rushing to the OB floor.