Blue Christmas

Apparently, a hospital is a terrible place to be if you’re looking to stay away from anything Christmas related. The ER is decorated, there are doctors dressed as elves — which Maya suspects have to be a prank on them —, and per what she overheard a nurse saying, there’s even carolling on one of the floors. 

There's a restlessness in Maya ever since they arrived at the hospital. And not just because of the holiday. She’s been trying very hard not to look around like an idiot in search of her wife while simultaneously avoiding making eye contact with anyone in that ER. A familiar shame is turning her stomach. 

She is on a gurney as an intern who looks vaguely familiar examines her. Right next to her, with the blonde’s turnout grasped in her hand, is the little girl who Maya had yet to learn the name. Another intern is assessing the child.

Surprisingly, the girl is mostly unharmed, except for smoke inhalation. She lays quietly on the gurney, her eyes trained on Maya at all times as if to ensure that the lieutenant is really there. 

Maya’s head continues to throb as the intern asks her questions. She responds to them automatically, keeping a close eye on the girl to make sure she is okay. 

“Would you like us to page Dr. DeLuca?”

The words make Maya’s head snap back to the doctor. She wonders if Carina is there, her heart beating faster at the mention of the name.

Maya is conflicted about how to feel right now. Because she wants nothing more than to see Carina. She misses her wife so much that it makes her chest feel impossibly tight as if it were to implode. She’d give anything to look at her eyes, intertwine their hands together, and kiss the Italian’s beauty mark. 

However, she doesn’t want her wife to relive that night. She doesn't want the Italian to find her in the hospital yet again. She doesn’t want to scare her. She remembers the look of absolute concern when the OB first saw her at the hospital. If she closes her eyes, the lieutenant can still see the pain in Carina's chocolate orbs as she left Maya's hospital room to the blonde's incessant screaming. She never wants to hurt her like that again. She never wants to put her wife in that position again.

And Maya knows she is getting better. Hell, she's been very honest about her pain and injuries ever since she arrived at Grey Sloan. She talked with the doctor about the dizziness, loss of conscience, nausea, and headache. She also described the pain in her ankle. She was careful and so damn good in that fire today. She didn't put herself in unnecessary danger. She just helped people.

But Carina doesn't know that. The Italian doesn't know how she's doing and how she continues to see Diane every week even though it is not required by the department anymore. She doesn't know how hard Maya is working to undo the damage that her father has done, to break the toxic mentality that was ingrained in her at 3 years old. Carina doesn't know any of that because the brunette asked for space and time, and Maya has to respect that. She owes her wife that. 

So the lieutenant sighs before answering the doctor in front of her. “No, don’t page her. It’s okay.” 

The intern, Kwan per his lab coat, gives her an awkward smile and says something about getting her an X-ray of her ankle and a head CT.

Maya just nods as she figures she really needs that based on her symptoms. She can't shake how familiar he looks, and based on his comment about his wife, he likely knows her. Does he know about her fall? About the 5150? She shakes her head, trying not to focus on that. 

Instead, she thinks about how she just clearly communicated all her symptoms and pain. And it nearly makes her laugh. Not so long ago, she was trying to leave against medical advice, and lying about the extent of her physical exhaustion, the abusive use of pain medication, and the behaviour that led her to the accident. 

She almost wants to call Diane to proudly tell her about the moment Maya Bishop did not embrace the pain. 

Her attention is brought back to the moment when she hears the other doctor finish her assessment of the girl.

"We'll do a chest X-ray just to make sure there is no damage to her lungs. But otherwise, with oxygen, medication, and rest, she will be just fine." 

Maya gives the doctor a smile, glad to hear that the girl is okay. 

"It might take a while though. We're flooded with patients because of the fire. But we'll try to do it as soon as possible."

The statement doesn't surprise her at all. She had seen up close the damage of the fire. She had personally rescued people with burns, concussions, and smoke inhalation. Holidays are always a hard time, and with the call, the ER is much busier than usual. There are doctors and nurses running around trying to manage the high number of people sick and injured. 

Maya thanks the intern, who leaves to examine other patients, before turning her attention to the little girl. She sees her eyes roaming around the room, clearly overwhelmed by the events of the day and the chaos of the ER. 

"I know it's scary but you're okay now. You're safe."

When the girl doesn't seem to acknowledge her words, Maya frowns, clearly concerned, and decides to move from her gurney. She hops awkwardly to the one the child is in, keeping her bad ankle away from the floor, and sits right in front of her. The kid finally looks at her and Maya can see how tired she is. The blonde feels her heart break at the sight. 

Before leaving, Ford had promised to try to find the girl's relatives. Maya doesn't know what happened but she can't help but feel anger at the fact that the child was all alone in that apartment. Someone left her behind. And the lieutenant feels very protective of her. 

Maya is also so impressed by the child's strength and, of course, the connection they seem to have established. It surprises her because the blonde was never very good with children. Pru is the exception, but that's because she is family and Maya literally helped with her birth. 

The idea of being a mother only became a possibility when she and Carina talked about it. And then it turned into something she craved for. Her heart broke into a million pieces every time the pregnancy tests came back negative. Sadly, she was spiralling too much to actually feel it then, to open herself to Carina, to help her wife. 

But Maya still dreams of having a carbon copy of her Italian goddess, of teaching their children to roll hoses. She wants to see Carina become a mother. And with Diane and the work they're doing, she thinks she might, one day, be a good one too — or at least try her very best to. 

The little girl in front of her and the connection they built ignite something inside her. She's not sure exactly what it is though. The entire day has been a giant, neverending, high-speed rollercoaster. And she probably has a concussion. Maybe she is just projecting, Maya thinks. 

The blonde extends her hand to the child, inviting her to take it. The little one grabs it quickly, her eyes shining at the lieutenant. 

Maya's voice and eyes are incredibly soft as she speaks with her. "You have been so brave today, do you know that? I think you will be a great astronaut one day."

The comment inspires a small smile from the little girl, and Maya almost beams with pride. 

"I'm Lucy." The words are almost a whisper, but even in the chaos of the ER, Maya hears them. The blonde's smile grows wider.

"It's very nice to meet you, Lucy. Thank you for helping me today."

Something shifts in the girl and, from that point on, she is no longer quiet as they engage in an exciting conversation. They talk about the planetarium. Lucy tells Maya about the stars and how she likes the moon. The lieutenant pays attention to every word, in awe of how smart the little one is.

Maya is so enthralled by the conversation that she doesn't notice Carina watching them closely from a few feet away.