Chapter 12
James nightmares and flashbacks grew more frequent over the years. Down in the medical floor the doctors and therapists diagnosed him with PTSD. He still couldn't remember anything but his flashbacks came from memories he didn't even knew belonged to him.
Dreams of being caught in a crossfire, jumping from planes and helicopters, killing people even haunted his nights. Many nights he awoke in a cold sweat and tremors racked his body.
Even three years after he came to the home he didn't know anything about himself or who he was. James started doubting he would ever find out.
One day Cassie found him in the rec center watching some patients playing cards.
"Hey James! Something came into the medical floor today and I thought you might wanna hear about it," she smiled standing to the side of him.
James looked up through his long hair, "What is it?"
"A new type of sedation meds came through and I thought you might want to try them out tonight. There sleep aids and might be able to give you dreamless sleep,"
James raised his eyebrows in surprise, he didn't know such a thing existed.
Later that night he met Cassie and his doctor Ned Ricci down in the hospital floor where clean beds lined one wall. Some other patients were already sleeping in some of the beds.
James walked over to the furthest bed where Dr. Ricci and Cassie stood.
"Hiya James," Dr. Ricci greeted him with a small smile, "You can go ahead and lay down as we set up the sedative,"
James laid down on the hospital bed, getting under the thin sheets with an exhausted sigh.
Cassie was sitting on a chair at his side smiling, "This is a new sedative so we'll be observing you during the night,"
James nodded and saw Dr. Ricci walk back over, "Are you ready?"
James nodded once more as he watched the doctor fill a syringe with a liquid and place it to his forearm, "Little pinch," he said as he stabbed the syringe in slowly.
James eyes grew heavy within seconds and he didn't even fight the sleep hoping it would be a dreamless night as his eyes fluttered shut.
/
Boom!
Explosives went off in James ear making us head swim and ears ring. His lips were chapped and bleeding as he crawled through the dust and dirt.
He realized he had no weapons or anything on him, he was defenseless in the battlefield. His heart pounded and bile began to rise in his throat but he clenched his teeth suppressing his stomach fluids.
A hand grabbed his boot pulling him back. He screamed looking back to see an enemy pulling him towards a building. James thrashed kicking and trying to crawl out of the man's grip. But sand and dirt flew into his mouths and eyes making him squint and cough.
Soon the man let go throwing James leg to the side and pounced on him. James rolled out of the way still hacking the dirt out of his mouth.
By now James knew this was a dream because he only had one of his arms, but normally his nightmare include both of his appendages. But he couldn't control it, the dream, he was helpless in his own mind.
The man delivered a strong blow to James jaw. The pain shot through him as he clenched his teeth trying to make the pain subside. But then the man got the upper hand crawling atop James.
If this was a dream why did it feel so real... the man grabbing his arm and pinning it to his side. James head-butted the man making him recoil, but he sat up and quickly reached for the man's neck with his one arm.
With a snarl James grabbed the man's neck and began to squeeze, but then a heavy sensation popped into his head, his eyes began to droop and his limbs numb. Falling to the dirt floor James entered darkness.
/
James eyes fluttered open to the sun starting to peek through the windows. Sitting still his mind replayed the dream. Why didn't the sedative work?
He saw Dr. Ricci and Cassie talking over at a desk and the doctor quickly straightened up seeing James staring their way.
Both walked over to James bedside, a nervous facial expression on their faces.
"It didn't work," James said quietly his fist balling the sheet in his right hand.
"We know..." Ricci says making James look up wondering how.
His eyes widened seeing Cassie, her normal smiley expression gone and an anxious one replaced it. But that's not what James noticed first it was her neck. Bruises started to form around her neck in the shape of a hand.
James felt himself shrink further into his own skin, "Did I do that?" He asked already knowing the answer.
Cassie nodded, "It's ok, I'm fine James. The sedative made you worse, it's not your fault." She added a small smile but James felt horrible. He felt like a monster. He couldn't even control his own mind.
~
Later that day James sat in the rec center a stress ball in his hand. He stared off at the wall his mind blank.
He noticed some people watching him and he shifted his eyes onto them making them scamper away. But after that in came Marc, and Wade.
"Hey James," Wade flopped down onto an armchair nearby.
"Am I scary?" James asked quickly and his friends looked at him.
"Um... yes?" Wade answered, "You are kinda scary now that I think of it,"
"Yeah man you have a staring problem. You look like an assassin or something with those dead cold eyes." Marc said plainly.
James squeezed the stress ball and it exploded in his hand making foam roll from his palm. Wade side eyed him with pursed lips.
"Hey! Why don't you leave James alone," Cassie said coming over and giving Marc and Wade a sneer, "You can't just tell someone they're scary!" She hissed trying to leave James out from hearing it.
Wade stood lifting his hands in a defensive stance before leaving with Marc at his heels.
Cassie plopped down next to James, but he didn't lift his head to acknowledge her. He stared ahead watching some elders trying to decide what to play on the record player.
"James? It's not your fault. Don't go making yourself feel bad about it. I know you'd never hurt anyone," Cassie reassured.
James slowly looked up to Cassie and then looked at her neck but it was covered by her hoodie.
"But what if I do it again? I feel like I'm getting worse. I haven't remembered a single thing and can't even extract anything from those nightmares. What if I never know who I am? Today has been horrible! I feel like I'm missing something everyday, but today I feel like I have forgotten something important and I can't even remember what it is" James eyes began to water, but then the record across the room began to play and his face contorted.
Smooth 40s jazz began to play with trumpets playing a tune that played through James ears. He tilted his head to listen to the song. It was like a distant memory. But he remembered this song.
Closing his eyes a picture started to flash through his mind in short bursts. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. A beautiful smile with soft lips. The taste of spearmint gum.
James smiled.
"James?" Cassie questioned James seeing his expression shift.
"This song," James said with his eyes closed still trying to hold the memory, "I remember it... I remember someone. They had blonde hair and blue eyes,"
His eyes began to prick with tears, "They were a horrible dancer," he choked out a laugh.
Kiss me once, then kiss me twice, then kiss me once again, it's been a long, long time...
~
Steve punched hard.
Bam, bam
The punching bag swayed with each hit.
Sweat beaded his forehead as he swung hard into the bag.Clenching his jaw his knuckles collided over and over.
The chain holding the bag began to creak with each hit but Steve kept punching. His breathing harsh and loud.
Creak...Slam!
The punching bag flew off its chain flying across the room. Some people in the gym glanced his way.
"Sorry about that," Steve rubbled his neck with a small smile.
Steve cleaned up grabbing his duffel bag of workout gear. He walked out onto the busy New York streets. The air was brisk as he began his walk to his apartment.
By the time he be reached his apartment the sun was starting to go down as he sighed placing the duffle down and pulled off his sweaty shirt.
After changing into a clean one he climbed out onto the fire escape and sat down to watch the sun slowly disappear behind the city.
He signed leaning back against the brick building, "Hey Buck, the sunsets pretty ain't it," he smiled watching the beautiful orange and yellows in the sky, "I've been thinking about you lately. Nat and Sam have been trying to set me up with some people, but I don't think I'm ready yet. You'd probably scold me and tell me I need to get over you," Steve laughs, "Anyways, Happy Birthday Barnes,"
The sunset disappeared leaving a the sky a beautiful shade of orange.