Chapter 1
The smoke danced in the cold winter night, exhaling from Bucky's lips as he looked up into the sky, hoping for an answer, hoping for an escape.
It was 1945 and the Howling Commandos were located in Austria, where exactly? Bucky couldn’t remember, he just followed orders, went wherever Steve wanted him.
Bucky’s bones were stiff, his whole body ached, his mind a haze, he felt like he was withering away. The war had taken a toll on him, he was no longer the boy he was in Brooklyn, that boy was dead, killed by the atrocities of war.
Bucky wandered around base, his boots crushing the thick snow beneath him as his mind kept racing with the nightmares of Zola that haunted him. Paranoia had become the norm for Bucky, he was afraid, this was a new feeling for him.
Bucky learned to never be afraid, fear is a sign of weakness, his father would tell him. He was never scared when it came to facing bullies, protecting his sister, protecting Becca. Bucky was strong, but now, that mask of bravery was slipping off. Bucky was scared, horrified.
Bucky flung the cigarette butt out of his mouth, crushing it in the snow with the bottom of his grimy boot. His shaky hands rummaged through his pocket, searching for the Lucky Strike box as he silently cursed him. He pulled out the box, pulling out another cigarette with his achy cracked fingers.
He put the cigarette in his mouth, now bringing out his lighter as he tried flicking it on, “shit, shit..”, he whispered softly, failing to light his cigarette.
Bucky didn’t notice the sound of another pair of boots coming up to him from behind, crunching in the snow.
“You know those will kill you.” Steve spoke softly.
Bucky jolted up, dropping his lighter as he looked back at Steve, “fuck- you scared me..”
Steve chuckled, shaking his head as he brought out his lighter, lighting Bucky’s cigarette in his mouth, “sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”
Bucky nodded as he took a long drag, exhaling the smoke up into the sky, watching it fill the cold air, “it’s fine.”
They stood there next to each other in complete silence, gazing up at the night sky. Austria was beautiful, they had to admit it, the scenery was far from their old rundown apartment in Brooklyn. Despite the war, small moments of peace like this were what kept Bucky sane, moments of peace with Steve. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
Steve looked over at Bucky, watching him as he took another drag, his cracked lips against the end of the cigarette, the rosy red color of his nose and cheeks from the cold, the way his hands shook from fear and anxiety, the perfectly straight cuts on his wrists that Bucky thought he could hide.. Bucky was dying, seeing him like this killed Steve.
Bucky’s attention turned to Steve as he finally noticed him staring, “what is it, punk? I’ll stop smoking if you want..”
Steve shook his head, “sorry- I just.. spaced out.”
Bucky nodded, looking Steve up and down as his skepticism grew, “Steve, what’s wrong?”
Steve didn’t know how to answer. How could he answer? How did Bucky not see himself? Steve paused, looking down at the crisp snow beneath them. He searched for the words but couldn’t find them. He was speechless. Bucky was dying and Steve couldn’t fix it, he couldn’t fix this, he couldn’t save Bucky. His Bucky…
Steve shrugged, coming up with a lie, “I’m just tired.. that’s all.”
Bucky nodded, he didn’t push it, he didn’t want to push it. He just stood there, looking back at the sky as he flung his cigarette to the ground, kicking snow onto it, “you going to bed anytime soon?”
Bucky didn’t bother looking at Steve, he knew Steve saw right through him. He knew Steve could see he was suffering, it was almost embarrassing. Bucky wanted to be strong for Steve, to prove he could keep up with him, but he was slowly falling behind, maybe he lost his purpose. Steve didn’t need Bucky, but Bucky needed Steve. Pathetic.
Steve shrugged in response, “are you?”
Typical Steve. Bucky shrugged as he rubbed his head, “I don’t know.. can’t rest..”
It was true, Bucky had been up wandering around, his anxiety getting the best of him as it chewed at his bones. He couldn’t sleep. How could he? There was too much to worry about, too much to think about, too much going on. It was all too much. Bucky wouldn’t admit that though, he knew better than to do that, that would just add another problem to Steve’s plate, he didn’t want to be a burden.
Steve frowned as he stepped closer, placing his hand on Bucky's shoulder, “why’s that?”
Bucky sighed softly, his gaze moving to Steve’s eyes, fuck.. Bucky mentally cursed himself for being so entranced by Steve’s beauty, who wouldn’t be? Bucky spoke softly, his voice slightly rough from the cold, “nightmares, just thoughts..”
Steve nodded, his gaze locked with Bucky’s. He wanted to take all of Bucky's pain away, he would do anything to get Bucky out of this damn war, to get him home safe.
Steve thought of something that would comfort Bucky in his time of need, something that would soothe his thoughts, his pain. He gripped Bucky’s shoulder softly as he spoke, “you can come to my tent, sleep with me.”
Bucky didn’t expect that. He was slightly taken aback as his eyes widened. Steve and Bucky sharing a bed was familiar to the two of them. Back in Brooklyn they only had one bed, Bucky would cuddle up against Steve, shielding him from the frosty bitter nights that they endured together. He’d hold him tightly, protecting him from harm's way. But now, Steve wasn’t that fragile boy anymore, he was pure muscle, tall, jaw dropping.
Not that Steve wasn’t drop dead gorgeous before, Bucky had to keep himself in line every time he’d hold Steve at night. Bucky had always thought Steve was beautiful, his soft pale skin, his rosy cheeks, his slim figure, his big bright blue eyes, the way his nose would scrunch up when he’d get angry, and even the way his sandy blonde hair would flop over his eyes in the wind. Bucky was completely gone for him, always was.
Watching women roll their eyes and push aside Steve back then would tear at Bucky’s heart. How could they not see what Bucky saw? It disgusted Bucky, made him throw up in his mouth. If a woman didn’t like Steve, he wouldn’t even bother with her. They were a ‘package deal’, Bucky would say, a ‘two in one.’
Now, it was different, women were swooning over Steve, throwing themselves right at him. Bucky couldn’t blame them, hell, he’d do the same if he were a woman. But it still irked him knowing these same women were the same type of women to be disgusted by Steve before the serum, the women that would push him aside and head straight to Bucky. It pissed him off.
Women never looked at Bucky's way anymore, he was fine with that, happy actually. He didn’t care, he could be alone ogling Steve at bars instead of swinging some dame around the dance floor, pretending he was at least somewhat interested and not just horny.
Steve tilted his head, slightly shaking Bucky's shoulder as he was stuck in a daze, “hey? Earth to Buck? You there?”
Bucky jolted out of his thoughts as he nodded, “sorry.. just- got stuck in my thoughts.. you were saying.?”
Bucky heard him the first time, he just wanted to hear Steve say it again, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
Steve chuckled softly, “sleep with me in my tent, jerk.”
Bucky gave him a half smile, “you sure? I don’t want to intrude or anything.. plus, is there even any space for the two of us?”
Steve rolled his eyes as he smiled, “of course there is, c’mon.”
Steve pulled Bucky over, guiding him back to his tent as they walked, “you’re not intruding, buck. I want you to sleep with me, get a good night's rest for once.”
Bucky nodded as Steve held his shoulder, pulling him into his tent. It was bigger than the others, more space, which was understandable, he was the captain after all. There was a large sleeping bag on the floor, Bucky wondered how the two of them would even fit in there. He looked back at Steve, watching him close the tent.
“Make yourself comfortable, Buck.” He spoke softly, turning to Bucky.
Bucky nodded, he felt guilty for taking up Steve’s space, stupid Barnes, just leave, Bucky thought to himself. But he knew if he left that would hurt Steve even more.
He began unlacing his boots, “how are we going to fit..?” Bucky questioned, turning to Steve.
Steve shrugged, sitting next to Bucky, “I’ve got a blanket, you take the sleeping bag.”
Bucky was about to protest until Steve cut him off, “don’t! Don’t say anything, I’ve made up my mind. So lay down, I run warm anyways, I’ll be fine.”
Bucky frowned as he took off his jacket, laying it on Steve, “at least wear this too..”
Steve smiled softly, laying down as he wrapped himself in Bucky’s jacket and pulled the blanket from the side onto him, “alright, alright..”
Bucky rolled his eyes as he chuckled softly, “you’re so stubborn.”
Steve smiled softly, gazing at Bucky as he sat there, getting situated, “I just want you to sleep, want you to be comfortable.”
Bucky nodded, he began unzipping the sleeping bag, his wrists slightly exposed as Steve frowned, looking down at his wrists. Steve had seen them before, the scars, he didn’t want to invade Bucky’s privacy by asking him how he got them, but he had a solid idea.
Steve decided to take a risk, ask about them. As he cleared his throat, watching Bucky shuffle into the sleeping bag, he spoke softly, “Buck?”
Bucky laid down, cuddling into the sleeping bag as he faced Steve, “hm?”
Steve took a deep breath as he softened his gaze, speaking in a serious tone, “your wrists, what happened.?”
Bucky froze, fuck, he didn’t mean for Steve to see them, he knew it would happen sooner or later. He didn’t like how observant Steve was, he noticed everything, including Bucky's weaknesses.
Bucky took a moment to respond, his voice falling into a hush whisper, “I’m sorry..”
All Bucky could do was apologize, what else could he even say? That he hurt himself to distract him from the war? From his loneliness? From his nightmares? It was too much, too, too much.
Steve shook his head, shuffling closer to Steve as he tried staying strong for Bucky, pushing back his tears as he spoke, “don’t apologize, buck, please.. I just want to be there for you.. I want to help you.”
Bucky hated that Steve wanted to help. He hated how good Steve was, how caring he was, how he’d throw himself into a fight again and again, trying to save everyone but himself.
Bucky closed his eyes as he nodded, he knew if he spoke it would come out as a ragged sob. He was ashamed of himself. He was supposed to be strong for Steve, why was he so weak?
Steve sat up, looking down at Bucky, “Buck, can I-… can I see your scars.?”
He knew the question was invasive, but he couldn’t help himself, he wanted to see them for himself.
Bucky unbuttoned the sleeping bag, sitting up as he rolled up his sleeve, showing Steve his wrist silently. He couldn’t speak, he felt so exposed, so selfish. He was embarrassed, ashamed.
Steve gently took his wrist, looking at the perfectly straight scars along his wrist as his thumbs gently brushed them, wanting to comfort Bucky. No matter how scarred Bucky was, Steve still thought he was beautiful.
Eventually, Steve looked back at Bucky, their gazes meeting in complete silence, tension thick with fear between them as Steve held his wrist, thumb still against the scars.
Steve eventually broke the silence as he whispered, “they’re beautiful..”
Bucky was taken aback, beautiful?? Did he hear that right? Bucky furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Steve couldn’t be serious, maybe he was teasing?
“what..?” Bucky’s words were blunt, smothered in confusion, “you’re not disgusted?”
Steve could laugh, how could he ever be disgusted with Bucky? He frantically shook his head, Steve truly thought his scars were beautiful. Even with his wrists littered with cuts, he was still here, still alive. They showed how strong Bucky is, how Bucky was still standing during such painful times. How could Steve explain that to Bucky?
Steve gave Bucky a small smile, “I could never be disgusted with you, Buck… I think your scars show your strength, they show how far you’ve come, how long you’ve survived.”
Bucky was lost for words, Steve thought he was strong? Even after this?! It was ridiculous, Steve must be blind, a complete moron if he thought Bucky was still strong.
He didn’t argue though, Steve was stubborn enough that they would bicker on and on. He just looked down, away from Steve’s gaze, not really knowing what to say.
Steve frowned, noticing Bucky’s gaze drifting down as he gently brought his chin back up, looking at Steve, “hey, look at me..”
Bucky’s eyes were soft, glassy, on the verge of tears. Seeing Bucky like this made Steve want to throw up, cry, scream. He just wanted Bucky’s pain to go away. This time it was Steve’s turn to take care of Bucky.
He pulled Bucky in for a tight hug, nuzzling into his neck as he wrapped his arms around him, wanting to feel Bucky.
Once he felt Bucky hug him back he could no longer suppress his tears as they rolled down his cheeks, sobbing into Bucky’ shoulder.
They both broke into pieces, Steve seeing Bucky in pain tore his heart open while Bucky struggled keeping himself together for Steve. They melted together into a puddle of despair. War had killed the two boys they once were in Brooklyn, they could never go back.
Bucky eventually pulled back, one hand holding Steve’s shoulder as the other cupped his cheek, swiping away the tears, “hey.. deep breaths, Steve.. I’m here..”
Steve nodded as his eyes fluttered closed, subconsciously leaning into Bucky’s touch. Bucky’s touch was soothing, the only thing that could bring Steve back down to earth.
Steve gave a shaky sigh as he opened his eyes, giving Bucky a small smile, “thank you..”
Bucky nodded, “just relax.. I’m here with you, Steve..”
Steve pulled Bucky closer by this shirt, their foreheads touching as they both closed their eyes, basking in each other’s presence. Their breaths mingling together, their cheeks stained with tears, and their lips chapped and cold. The tension was strong between them, this time it was filled with comfort instead of fear.
It was soothing, one of the small, peaceful moments that rarely occurred.
Bucky gave a small chuckle, as he opened his eyes, scanning Steve’s face. He was gorgeous.
Steve opened his eyes as he smiled, “what’s so funny, jerk?”
Bucky’s thumb brushed Steve’s cheek as a wide smile plastered his face, “you’re just really something, Rogers..”
‘Really something’, huh? Steve didn’t know how to take that, he couldn’t tell if Bucky was teasing or not. He just rolled his eyes and chuckled, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
Bucky brushed his nose against Steve’s as he whispered softly, “it means you’re really gorgeous, Steve.”
Steve’s eyes widened as his heart swelled, the only thing he could muster up was a small, “Bucky..” as he flushed in embarrassment.
Bucky could only giggle at his reaction, he was adorable. Watching Steve’s face burn up into a crimson red made Bucky’s heart leap.
But then, he noticed how close they were, their lips closer than ever, their noses touching, their foreheads plastered on each other. They looked at each other with a glimmer of desire, both wanting the same thing, both needing the same thing.
It was all too much, Bucky eventually awkwardly pulled back, the two turning away from each other with an awkward chuckle, rubbing the back of their necks.
They sat in tedious silence, both facing away from each other, wondering what the hell was even going on.
After a few seconds, Steve heard Bucky shuffle back into his sleeping bag. He took that as a queue to turn off the lap and lay down.
Steve laid there, staring at the ceiling of his tent as Bucky laid curled up, facing away from Steve. Neither of them could sleep now, they both wanted to say, to do something. But what was there to do? Until Bucky’s cackling teeth and broken the silence. Steve didn’t notice how cold he was until now.
Steve turned to Bucky, pulling him in tightly, draping the blanket and jacket over them as he held onto Bucky’s waist, his big arms wrapped around Bucky.
It was different, certainly not unpleasant, but different. Their roles were reversed now. It was always Bucky coddling Steve, making sure he wouldn’t freeze but now it was Steve trapping him in a bear hug, warming him up.
Bucky didn’t oppose Steve's action, he simply turned, now facing Steve as he nuzzled into his neck, seeking warmth.
All Steve could do was smile, rubbing the back of Bucky's head through the sleeping bag, soothing his mind.
He wanted to be Bucky’s rock, the guy Bucky would come to when he needed a source of comfort. If Bucky needed help, Steve would be there, no matter what.
Bucky whispered softly against Steve’s neck, under his jaw, his breath was warm, lips almost brushing against his skin as he gave Steve a soft, “thank you..”
Steve’s heart grew a millions times bigger in that moment. He gave Bucky a reassuring squeeze as he responded, “no need to thank me, Buck, I’m just looking out for you.”
It was the truth, all Steve ever did for Bucky was look out for him, have his back, be by his side. He was in way too deep.
Steve sighed softly, his breath shaky as he whispered, still rubbing the back of Bucky's head, “go to sleep, I’ve got you..”
Bucky’s cheeks couldn’t get any redder, the contact, the comfort, the things Steve was saying, they made Bucky fold.
Bucky pulled back, looking at Steve, his expression vulnerable and almost shy, why did he feel so shy? It’s Steve for crying out loud. Bucky wanted to say something, anything. His lips were parted, ready to speak but the words didn’t come to mind. Steve’s gaze was strong as he looked down at Bucky, waiting for him to speak.
Finally, Bucky spoke, the words suddenly slipping out, “I’m scared, Steve..”
Fuck, what did he say that? The words just fell out of his mouth, no real thought behind them. But it was the truth, Bucky was scared, horrified. He was terrified of the Nazis, Zola, Hydra, but most importantly, of losing Steve. Bucky put Steve first, always, if this is what Steve wanted, then so be it. If Steve wanted to fight, Bucky would be right there next to him.
Steve’s heart broke at Bucky’s words, he had his assumptions but hearing him say it out loud stung. Steve couldn’t help but think that this was his fault for some reason, even with knowing Bucky willingly chose to stay with Steve throughout the war it still hurt. The whole situation was overwhelming at best, but at least they were together.
Steve’s hands moved to Bucky’s face, he found Bucky absolutely adorable as he was squished in the sleeping back like it was a cocoon. Steve gently cupped his face, thumbs brushing his cheeks as he gave a small nod in understanding, “me too.. I’m so scared..”
Bucky froze.
He didn’t expect that, Steve was scared too?? No. That’s crazy. But it was the truth, Steve was just as mortified as Bucky was. The two both trembled together, cuddled up, embracing each other.
Bucky just gave a small nod, he suddenly realized how close they were, the tips of their noses practically touching as the intimacy of it all was thick.
Steve started to move subconsciously, brushing the tip of his nose against Bucky’s, giving him soft Eskimo kisses. What was Steve even doing? And why was Bucky not pulling back? This was new territory but neither of them were afraid of it.
Bucky gave Steve a half smile as he let out a soft chuckle, “you’re such a punk..”
Steve smirked, “and you’re a jerk.”
The two laughed together, their noses still brushing against each other as Steve pulled back, “I want to give you something, Buck..”
Before Bucky could question what he was doing, Steve let go of Bucky, pulling out his dog tags from under his shirt, “here.”
Bucky tilted his head as he began unbuttoning the first few buttons of his sleeping bag to be able to freely move his arms, taking the dog tags, “why are you giving these to me? Don’t you need them?”
Steve shrugged, “I just want you to have them, a little omen of trust.”
Bucky laughed at that, what the hell was Steve on about? Whatever it was, Bucky took off his own dog tags, handing them to Steve, “well, it’s only fair that you keep mine.”
Steve smiled softly, taking the dog tags and putting them around his neck, feeling the cold metal of the tags beneath his fingertips as he held them against his chest, “thank you, Buck.”
Bucky smiled, putting on Steve’s dog tags and kissing the metal plates, “I’ll take good care of them.” He smirked, letting them dangle against his chest.
Steve gave a small nod, a small hint of pink grazing his cheeks when he watched Bucky kiss the tags, it was comforting.
Steve ruffled Bucky’s hair and smiled, “now go to sleep, we’re moving tomorrow.”
Bucky nodded, buttoning up the sleeping bag again, “where are we going again?”
Steve chuckled, “Vienna, just to get a little break, plan out our next mission, then move on”
Bucky gave a small nod, nuzzling back into Steve’s neck, “mm.. okay, goodnight Stevie..”
Steve let out a small laugh, rubbing Bucky’s back, holding him, “goodnight, Buck.”