Linz
On May 4th, 1945, the 26th infantry would capture Linz, Austria. Led by Captain America himself, Steve Rogers had guided the Howling Commandos into the town, capturing the area in about a day.
The infantry was spread out into different sections, Steve was sitting down with Peggy, staring at a map, planning out their next mission. The two sat together, chatting in the cold, the soft snow beneath them as their breaths mingled in the air, visible to the naked eye.
While they were talking, Bucky, Dum Dum, and Jim, members of the Howling Commandos, were searching an old broken down pub, scraping up old furniture, materials, food, anything they found interesting.
It was disgusting, the place was completely trashed, earlier in April, Austria had been hit hard, bombed by the Soviets, the area was left a disaster. However, that didn’t stop Bucky from searching the area, finding any treasures he could dig up.
Bucky was handy like his mother, he would make use of any little thing, broken or old, Bucky would fix it right up. He was tactical, any materials he could find he’d definitely figure out a way to use it. This skill came from growing up poor, having to help provide for his mom and sister, later down the road, Steve.
Bucky jumped across the broken bar table, looking behind as he rummaged through the cabinets, he found a bottle titled, ‘Stroh’. Bucky’s eyes lit up as he smirked, “well, well… let’s see what we have here..”
Dum Dum and Jim perked up, looking at Bucky as Jim spoke, “whatcha got there, Barnes?”
“I don’t know, but I’m about to try it.”Bucky twisted the cap off, his Cheshire smirk never leaving his face as his eyes glimmered at the shiny bottle.
“You oughta be careful, Buck, I ain’t explainin’ why you’re dumbass dropped dead to Cap.” Dum Dum sighed, scratching the top of his head with his bowler hat.
Bucky rolled his eyes, taking a sip, the spiced rum slipping down his throat as he groaned, “Woo! Rum!”
Bucky hopped onto the bar counter, holding up the rum, “you boys oughta try this stuff! It's doozy!”
He jumped off the counter, proudly handing the bottle of rum to Jim, “cmon, try some.”
Jim shrugged, taking the bottle as he took a drink, handing it to Dum Dum who followed along, “Jeez- that’s strong..”
Dum Dum nodded in response, “yeah, you sure it ain’t gonna poison us, Buck?”
Bucky shrugged, taking back the bottle as he walked between them to the exit, “I couldn’t give a shit, liquor is liquor.”
Dum Dum and Jim both turned to Bucky, watching him prance out the door, taking sips from the bottle as he skipped outside into the cold.
Bucky spun around happily, buzzing from the liquor as his boots crunched in the snow. A big grin plastered on his face as he sighed, watching his warm breath dance in the air.
Times like this were fun, small moments during the violence of war were always an escape for Bucky. Searching for treasures, being with his fellow soldiers, it was comforting for such drastic measures.
Bucky suddenly paused, his eyes landing on the sight of Steve and Peggy sitting together, mingling about the group’s plans. Bucky grimaced at the sight.
Bucky hated it, seeing them together struck a nerve in his heart. Every time he saw Peggy, the word ‘replacement’ shouted in his mind.
She was gorgeous, very plump lips dressed in velvet red gloss, her brown wavy curls neatly brushed, styled to perfectly fit her face shape, her strong attitude, her bold personality, her sharp curves, her white teeth, shining like pearls everytime Steve made her laugh. She was everything a man could want and more.
Then, there was Bucky. A sinner, a disgusting perverted man who fantasized about his best friend, a man, a man he loved, a man he adored. Bucky was no good, he could never amount to Peggy.
Bucky was disgusting, he was broken and there was no fixing him.
“Hey, Buck! Look what we found!” Jim called out to him as he and Dum Dum walked out the abandoned pub, moving over to Bucky.
Jim held out a German Mauser C96, a type of sidearm the Nazis would carry around. He suddenly stopped, standing next to Bucky with Dum Dum who had followed from behind.
Dum Dum and Jim both met where Bucky was staring, looking straight at Steve and Peggy, the two bundled together in the snow, talking and laughing.
Jim couldn’t exactly understand why Bucky was staring at them so harshly, his joyful demeanor now gone just by the sight of the two together, but Dum Dum had a pretty good idea, however, he wouldn’t bring it to light, it wasn’t his place to assume.
Dum Dum broke the silence with a small cough, “Buck?”
Bucky’s head turned to the two, his gaze looking down at the handgun in Jim’s hand as he slightly perked up, “aw, neato!”
Bucky looked up at Jim, asking permission to see the gun as Jim nodded, handing it to him, “found it discarded on the floor under a bunch of cobwebs, pretty, ain’t she?”
Bucky nodded, tilting the gun around in his hands, the cold metal against his fingertips as he swung it around, posing with the weapon, “very pretty, damn Nazi scum don’t deserve fancy shit like this.”
Dum Dum nodded in agreement, “I’ll say, those sons of bitches don’t deserve jack squat.”
Bucky handed the gun back to Jim with a small nod as a ‘thank you’. He looked between Dum Dum and Jim and smirked, sloshing the bottle of rum in his hands, “you boys wanna have some fun?”
Jim and Dum Dum looked at each other then back at Bucky skeptically, “what are you on about, Buck?” Dum Dum crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.
Bucky gave them a big smug look, “more exploring? I wanna find more rum, maybe there’s some in the rummage of those buildings.” Bucky pointed to an area of destroyed buildings, taking a sip of the rum.
Jim looked back at Dum Dum as he sighed, “look, Buck, we like hanging out with ya but.. we don’t know what could be over there. For Christ’s sake there could be a bomb, blow us all to smithereens!”
Bucky rolled his eyes, chugging down the rest of the rum, burning his throat as he sighed, “you two ain’t no fun! What do you guys suggest we do?”
The two exchanged glances as they looked back at the tipsy Bucky and sighed, “I think me and Dum Dum are just gonna relax for a bit, settle down for now..”
Bucky scoffed as he burped, hitting his chest with his fist, “aw bah humbug, you two ain’t no fun!”
Bucky turned away from them, “I’ll see you fellas later!”
Jim frowned as he sighed, “where ya going, Bucky?”
Bucky shrugged as he wandered off, “eh, somewhere.”
He began walking with the empty bottle of rum, fidgeting with Steve’s dog tags as he pulled them out, underneath his jacket. Bucky felt slightly loopy, maybe all that rum was a bad idea, oh well, it tasted fine.
Bucky sighed, as he walked, he got closer and closer to where Steve and Peggy were sitting, he watched in the corner of his eye as the two stood up, Steve guiding her back to her tent, escorting her back as they went inside. Bucky rolled his eyes, scoffing, Steve was such a gentleman, it pissed Bucky off sometimes.
Bucky kept walking, he felt like a zombie, his mind fuzzy as he kept moving forward, no general destination, just walking.
His head started to hurt, the alcohol kicking in as he groaned, his mind a mess of Steve and Peggy. Sceneries filled his mind of the two, images of Steve’s rough lips against her rosy red lips, Steve’s face covered in lipstick from her soft kisses, his neck plastered with marks of pure love. It was mesmerizing.
Pervert... Bucky thought to himself, he was no good, thinking about his friend getting it on with some girl? That was far from normal, it was sickening, but Bucky couldn’t stop, he couldn’t help himself.
Watching Steve’s gentle yet strong hands brush against Peggy’s hands earlier as they walked, god, Bucky could only dream of what they’d feel like on his neck, on his thighs, on his…
Pull yourself together, Barnes. Bucky groaned to himself, he just kept walking, his mind still flooded with fantistied of Steve.
His eyes started to blur, his head jolting up as he heard footsteps coming up from behind him, a strong hand gripping his shoulder with a soft voice that spoke carrying a gentle smile, “Hey, Buck..”
He knew that voice all too well, Steve.
Bucky gave him a goofy grin, as if he hadn’t been dreaming of Steve’s lips against his, turning to look him up and down, “hey, Stevie, what’s up?”
Steve kept a firm grip, noticing Bucky’s unbalanced stance, his dilated eyes, his shaky hands, his slurred speech.
Steve sighed, looking down at the empty bottle of rum in Bucky’s hands, “where’d you get that?”
Bucky paused for a moment, he couldn’t focus on what Steve was saying, he just stared at Steve’s face, taking in his beautiful facial structure, his clear skin, his rosy cheeks, his piercing blue eyes, his sculpted cheekbones…It was enchanting.
Bucky gave a small hum in response, stepping closer to Steve, “what was that, Stevie?”
Steve shook his head as he rolled his eyes, “you’re drunk, Buck.”
Bucky’s smile turned into a smirk in response, “and you’re pretty.”
That caught Steve off guard, he didn’t expect that but he quickly tried brushing it off. Just Bucky’s drunken ramblings. He patted Bucky’s shoulder, leading him back to the base, with the rest of the Commandos, “C’mon, let’s go..”
Bucky leaned onto Steve, his body slightly limp as he let out a soft sigh, “you taking me to your bed, soldier?”
Steve rolled his eyes, his cheeks slightly flushed as he pushed down his thoughts, he’s just drunk, “I’m taking you to your bed, Buck.”
Bucky stopped in his tracks, turning to look at Steve, as he rested his chin on Steve’s chest, gazing up at him. His look was soft, his eyes big, pupils dilated as they examined Steve’s face.
Steve froze, completely flushed as he gave an awkward chuckle, “you okay..?”
Bucky didn’t respond, he just wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, nuzzling into his chest, taking a deep inhale of Steve’s scent, exhaling softly, letting it out, “I love you, you know that? You’re my best guy, Steve..”
Steve’s heart melted as he gave him a dopey grin, looking down at Bucky, “love ya too, pal, but we really gotta get you back..”
Steve gently brushed Bucky’s hair, combing his fingers through his dark brown locks as Bucky hummed against his chest, “you’re so strong..”
He pressed himself up against Steve even more, his arms now completely locked around his waist, “you smell good too..”
Steve’s eyes were now wide open, his mind short circuiting, all he could do was stand there, what could he do? Bucky was drunk, it was only right for Steve to stay by his side, help out his friend.
Steve just kept a small smile up as he rubbed Bucky’s back, “we really gotta go, Buck..”
Bucky paused for a moment, his brain was complete mush as he started to gag, his body jolting against Steve’s, oh fuck.
Bucky pushed away from Steve, holding his stomach as he hunched forward, “f-fuck..”
He kept gagging, Steve quickly held Bucky’s shoulder, guiding him away from the walkway as Bucky threw up, flooding the floor. Chunks of previous meals and greenish yellow liquid came out. There goes the rum.
Steve looked away, rubbing Bucky’s back softly, wanting to provide some sort of comfort for his friend, “that’s it.. let it out..”
Steve reached for his water canteen wrapped around him, opened it, and looked down at Bucky as he watched him slowly stand up straight, turning to Steve.
“Oh Buck..” Steve gave him a small smile, wiping the vomit remains off Bucky’s chin with the end of his sleeve.
“Open.” Steve commanded as he watched Bucky obey, opening his mouth.
He then poured the water from the canteen into Bucky’s mouth, “slosh it around then spit, okay?”
Bucky nodded as he did so, sloshing it around in his mouth then spitting it onto the floor, looking back up at Steve.
Steve gave him a small nod of approval, “open again.”
Bucky nodded as he opened his mouth, Steve gently held his chin, guiding the canteen to his lips, watching Bucky drink the rest.
Once Bucky finished, he pulled back, brushing a droplet of water from Bucky’s bottom lip with his thumb, “better?”
Bucky nodded with a small huff, “better, thank you.”
Steve closed the canteen, setting it back to his side, the strap wrapped around him as he patted Bucky on the shoulder, “cmon, bed for you.”
Bucky nodded and leaned into him again. Steve held him by the shoulder, guiding him to where the rest of the Howling Commandos were.
The Howling Commandos had decided to set up in an old church. It was regal, some windows had been damaged from previous warfare but besides that it was the best spot they could get. The walls were grand and the all around architecture had a somewhat gothic look to it. Even Bucky had to agree that it was beautiful and he hated church.
Bucky was never extremely religious, his father and mother would always tell him to ‘speak to the Lord for guidance’ but Bucky always brushed it off, never really paid much attention to it all.
On the other hand, Steve was religious, not as much as he used to be, but he was raised Roman Catholic by his mother. Bucky, of course, respected his beliefs and would even attend church with him on Sundays, both neatly permed and dressed.
However, Steve’s faith in religion started to fade when he became more involved in the war. It changed due to the violent nature of it all and he started to question his faith. Would an almighty God really let his children suffer? That was a question that would bounce back and forth in Steve’s mind.
The only real reason he had some sort of faith to believe in was because of his mother. He knew that seeing Steve in tune with religion always brought a smile to her face, it made her proud.
When Steve’s mother died, Steve became a maniac about church, he fell into a religious psychosis for a bit. He would go to church everyday, sick or worse, day in and day out. He filled his apartment with disturbing religious imagery and would even fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, he would go on to perform excessive religious rituals. That worried Bucky.
Steve would fall into mental breakdowns about religion, questioning himself, judging whether he’d go to heaven or hell. He’d even question where his mom went, looking back at her life, examining the things she did or didn’t do. It was so exhausting to the point where he’d throw up in stress, passing out in his own vomit. His paranoia only grew.
That was until Bucky spoke some sense into him, he reassured him that in the end, everything would be okay. Bucky would squeeze him tightly, letting Steve cry into his shoulder.
Steve eventually fell out of this phase once he and Bucky lived together, but he would still attend church on Sundays, dragging Bucky along with him.
Bucky never asked Steve why he thought he’d go to hell, why would Steve ever think that? He's perfect. But Steve knew why he’d go to hell. Steve was lusting over a man, over Bucky.
Surely he’d go to hell for that, right?
Once they finally made it to the church, Steve gently rubbed the side of Bucky’s arm, “hey, you still with me?”
Bucky gave a small nod as he sighed softly, “yeah, yeah, I’m here..”
Steve smiled softly as they walked inside, looking around. The Commandos were spread out, all minding their own business, sharpening their knives, cleaning their rifles, eating, sleeping, just taking a break.
Jim and Dum Dum’s head turned to Steve and Bucky as they chuckled somehow there before them, Bucky must’ve been trashed, “we told em not to drink the whole damn bottle!” Jim smiled at the two of them.
Steve sighed, walking over to them with Bucky, “yeah? Where’d he even find alcohol?”
Dum Dum scratched his beard as he replied, “he found it in the rummage of that old pub down the street, greedy bastard kept it all to himself.”
Bucky rolled his eyes, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder as he held onto him, “shuddup..”
Steve let out a small huff of amusement, “I’m gonna get him to bed, you boys have fun.”
Dum Dum tipped his hat to them as Jim gave them a small wave. The two standing now moved over to Bucky’s sleeping bag, “alright Buck, sit down, nice and easy now..”
He helped Bucky sit down, holding Bucky’s waist as they sat down together. Bucky leaned his head on Steve's shoulder, the two sitting against the wall on Bucky's sleeping bag as he sighed, “m’sorry, Steve..”
Steve looked down at Bucky, rubbing his head softly, “don’t apologize, you just got a little carried away, that’s fine.”
Bucky frowned as he stared at the floor, his left hand bringing out the dog tags under his uniform, fidgeting with them.
Steve noticed Bucky’s fingers wrapped around them, immediately catching his attention as his cheeks warmed, “you still have those…”
Bucky nodded in response, “you gave them to me that night, ‘course I held onto them.”
Steve hummed in response, “I’m glad.”
They fell into a comfortable silence, Steve gently playing with Bucky’s hair as Bucky kept fidgeting with the dog tags, zoned out, staring at the chipped broken floorboards.
-
“Agent Carter!”
Peggy turned to the colonel, “Yes, sir?”
He handed her a map and sighed, “give this to Captain Rogers.”
Peggy took the map, looking down at it, “The Alps?”
The colonel nodded, “our next target.”
Peggy hummed in response, examining the map, “where is the Captain?” She looked up from the map, back at the colonel.
He sighed, rubbing his head, “He’s back down at the church, saw him walk there with his drunk friend, Barnes.”
Peggy nodded, “ah, alright, I’ll be on my way.”
Before she could turn, the colonel started to go on, continuing to speak about Bucky, “I swear, that boy needs to twist his head on straight, he’ll cost us one day, Carter, just you wait.”
Peggy gave a small nod, she didn’t agree with the colonel but she knew best not to argue with him.
Bucky was a useful soldier, he took up all the dirty work Steve couldn’t be doing, slitting Nazi’s necks in the backlines, sniping enemies left and right, he was a hell of a shot and brutal when it came to hand to hand combat.
However, the colonel wasn’t too happy with Bucky’s reckless behavior recently as he continued talking, “I don’t know why Rogers insists he stays with us, the damn kid can’t even relax for a day.”
That ticked Peggy off, “well, Barnes is a fine soldier, he's the Captain’s best friend, it’s no question why Barnes is here.”
Before the colonel could reply, Peggy turned her heel and walked out the tent, making her way to the church, holding the map.
She could care less about what the colonel had to say, she respected him, yes, but she never fully agreed with him, even in the beginning.
The colonel had always been doubtful, doubtful about Erskine’s work and his decision on giving Steve the serum, doubtful on Steve’s ability to be Captain America, doubtful of The Howling Commandos skill, even doubtful of Peggy’s work.
Peggy had learned to push his thoughts away, focus on her tasks, and get work done properly. Calling her a hard worker would be an understatement.
She quickly strutted into the church, walking past the rest of the soldiers as they all watched her walk by. Every man was infatuated with her, how could they not be? She was the perfect woman.
Peggy spotted Steve and Bucky sitting together, Bucky now passed out on Steve’s shoulder as Steve rubbed his head. The whole scene was domestic in a way.
Steve’s head perked up as he heard Peggy’s graceful steps make her way over to them. He looked up at her and smiled softly, “Hey..”
Peggy gave him a warm smile in return, gaze moving down at Bucky, “is he alright?”
Steve nodded, rubbing his back, “he’ll be fine, I’ve got him.”
He patted a spot next to himself, gesturing for Peggy to sit down.
She listened as she sat next to Steve, handing him the map, “The group’s next mission, apparently Hydra has an incoming train you boys need to stop.”
Steve nodded, analyzing the map, “all the way in the Alps… alright, simple enough.”
Peggy nodded as she sighed, wanting to change the topic of discussion to another importance, “Steve…”
Steve’s focus was broken by Peggy’s words as he put the map down, looking at her, “hm?”
She sighed softly, wondering how to talk to Steve without offending him in some way, “The colonel was talking about Sergeant Barnes earlier and.. about his behavior..”
Steve frowned, he knew where this was going. He rubbed his head and sighed, “what did he say?”
Peggy's gaze grew serious as she spoke softly, “he was very critical, but.. I think he has a point. Barnes hasn’t been himself lately, his reckless behavior is starting to overshadow his skill, Steve. The drinking, the running off at night, him throwing himself into harm's way, his avoidant tendencies with authority, Steve, he’s going to get hurt.”
Steve squeezed his eyes shut, it was the hard truth. He knew if Bucky kept this up something horrifying was bound to happen. Steve knew more about Bucky than anyone, meaning he knew why Bucky was acting like this. He saw how deep the damage was.
Steve was the only one who noticed Bucky’s scars on his wrists, his shaky hands, the way Bucky would fall into Shell Shock. It was all there, right in front of Steve.
He felt so useless, he had no power, no control, no way to stop all of Bucky’s suffering. It was a nightmare.
Peggy noticed the tears starting to roll down Steve’s cheeks as his eyes were squeezed shut, he whispered softly, his voice now shaky, lacking the usual cheerful and confident tone, “sorry.. just- just give me a minute…”
She nodded, wiping his tears with her thumb, “it’s okay, Steve… I’m sorry for bringing this up, I just wanted to see if it caught your attention as well.”
Steve scoffed, how could it not catch his attention? He knew the depths of it all. He knew more than anyone.
To everyone, Bucky’s pain was a small paper cut while Steve saw how deep the wound was. It was horrifying.
He finally opened his eyes, red and swollen, as he looked at Peggy, “thank you, Peggy. I’ll talk to him about it later.”
He tried his best to be polite, he really did, but he really wanted to snap at her, yell at the colonel, scream at the world because Bucky was hurting, his Bucky.
Bucky’s head was still resting on Steve's shoulder as he kept rubbing the side of his arm, his grip on Bucky growing tighter the more Steve's thoughts started to wander to worst case scenarios.
Peggy gave him a weak smile as she stood up, brushing her skirt off, she could sense that she needed to leave, “I’ll see you boys later.”
Steve gave her a small nod, mouthing a polite ‘thank you’ as she walked off. He turned his head to look at Bucky, analyzing his face.
His lips were cracked, face pale, skin dry, cheeks bruised,eye bags heavy, hair greasy, Bucky was far from the playboy charmer he was in Brooklyn but Steve still thought he was the handsomest man to ever grace the planet.
Steve didn’t care how damaged Bucky was, he was still beautiful to him and that’s all that mattered.
Steve whispered softly to Bucky, twiddling his finger in his hair, “I’ve got you..”
He spoke more to himself than to Bucky, reassuring himself that if he held onto Bucky that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.