Chapter 4
The social dynamic of a jinchuuriki pack is complex to a level and degree that few other human or demon familial systems achieve. The harmony of a pack is dependent both upon the leadership of the alpha and the harmonious balance between pack members, a situation rare in that both human and demon components must act in concert. For the human subordinates engaged in such a situation, many of the deepest human impulses must be curbed or eliminated completely as the alpha lacks the ability to fully comprehend the nature of these instincts. Jinchuuriki, for all that they are an unnatural union of man and demon, display characteristics distinct from each. A jinchuuriki may understand concepts of jealousy and the terror of social domination cognitively but, as the creature does not experience these drives himself, he cannot sympathize. To the jinchuuriki, such feelings are alien, and it is the pack which must cleave to him in this respect even as the creature seeks to support the needs of all.
Koumyuo Sanzo, Lives and Habits of Far Eastern Demons
Neji walked towards the far west end of Konoha, following a path his feet still remembered far too well. True, he had not come this way in almost three years, not since his betrothal to Hinata had become official, but his body had not forgotten the thrill of such midnight journeys. He was so giddy, belly wound tight and nervous, that he could have giggled and almost did. Neji felt skittish, hypersensitive and eager all at the same time. She always made him feel this way, the intoxicating combination of joy and terror, a dichotomy essential to her nature. Almost a month had passed since his injury and though Neji was still weak and a bit sore, he did not feel fatigued. He could have run to her if doing so would not have made him feel so silly and immature. The stars were bright overhead and the wind was still soft and warm with the very last breath of summer. The combination was strange as he had always associated Anko with the smell of winter. Softness and warmth was not part of her being and he had never minded, but Neji knew that she longed to love the way other women could. In many ways Anko was like the winter season, bright and lovely, but also hard and deadly if pressed. She had told him not to come to her again, but Neji was not visiting her tonight as a lover, but as a teacher.
He needed her help and Anko was, among so many other things, an expert in seduction and information retrieval. She knew what it was like to sleep with someone simply for what they knew and, while Neji did not believe Naruto capable of anything like Hiashi feared, the character of his mission was to do just that. Hiashi had asked him to watch, charged him with preserving the peace between the two clans, and Neji would succeed in this and every other mission he had been given. Anko would know what to do, how to prepare, everything. She had even once hinted that she might have personal experience with jinchuuriki. If anyone could help him, it would be his one-time lover. However, Neji could not be sure that Anko would even speak to him or what she would say. He sighed, biting his lip, lost in memories.
Even before his betrothal to Hinata, Anko had realized that the nature of their relationship was slowly, but surely, spiraling out of control. Neji knew all her secrets and many of them were very dark, a darkness that filled him with disgust, but also a kind of terrified erotic fascination. Sleeping with a student much younger than herself was deviant enough, but Anko had also indoctrinated him into the world she had shared with Orochimaru. She had not meant to go so far, only enough to scare him away, but Neji was not frightened easily. He had pushed her, challenged her and Anko was almost physiologically incapable of resisting that kind of provocation. She was mysterious and interesting and nothing like anyone he had ever met before. He wanted to know her, to show her his strength, demonstrate that he was more than a mere pupil. They had become lovers almost as a game, a dare that moved from one thing to the next until one night they made love and by then it was too late. Anko never could resist a game, especially one that involved some kind of test and Neji often wondered if he had managed to take advantage of that quality in her. During the quiet times when she felt unsure, Anko often remarked that it was hard to say just who had taken advantage of whom, but the problem was that someone had.
She worried that she was polluting him, warping his mind, but Neji had loved her too desperately to care. He learned how to use the blades, cutting just the way she liked, drawing thin lines of blood across her sinewy body. There was grace to the task, cutting deep enough to bleed, but not enough to scar. Neji hated to see her flinch and loved to see her eyes grow dark and wild with passion as he licked the blade. Like everything else, sex with Anko was a dichotomy, a tentative balance between ecstasy and true madness. The act was twisted, but exciting and soon his mind forgot how to differentiate between the adrenaline of fear and the thrill of sex. She took his virginity and more, perhaps even a part of his soul, but Neji could never bring himself to blame her or hate her. Anko loved him, in every way that she could and in the end even enough to let him go. Their affair had been secret and Anko was excellent at keeping secrets. During the day he was only another Jounin under her tutelage and at night he was her student as well, but the lesson was one she had never taught to anyone else.
To say Anko was a masochist was far too simplistic, too clean and categorical, to ever describe the complexity of the woman Neji had loved. Anko loved pain and she loved pleasure, she loved screaming and silence, but most of all she loved blood. To watch the fluid flow, to feel it on her skin, to taste her own blood was the only thing that ever really satisfied her. They had only been lovers a few weeks before Neji discovered that, though Anko was an excellent liar, she was not actually satisfied. She lay with him simply because doing so was the only way she could win, not because she had achieved any release from the act. He had asked, he had pushed and one night when she was just a little bit drunk, Anko had shown him the knives…
Neji had been frightened, but she made the cutting almost like another game, licking the blade and taunting him, expecting him to refuse. He accepted instead and perhaps that was when Anko began to lose control of the experience. After a while, Neji began to feel himself changing, adapting to the odd and erotically violent love that he shared with Anko. Even bound and bleeding she was always in control, always dominant on some level. Neji had once hated that, but he had not understood that she was only trying to protect him, to keep him from going to a place where she could no longer pull them back. He had wanted to make her come apart, to shatter all her barriers, to make love to her and have her think only of him. He did not want her to love him as a student, but as an equal and he could never be her equal so long as she held all the tethers. Perhaps that was why Neji had pushed and countered all her good intentions and finally succeeded in loving her fully on her own terms. Both drunk on adrenaline and endorphins, they shared the blood and pain like a pair of tormented spirits. She had wanted to protect him from the act and from the horror and from herself, but it was already too late…
So one day, she woke up and noticed that the cuts were not just on her own skin, but his as well. Neji barely remembered what had happened the night before, but she had lost control and reciprocated. She had cut him, made a gruesome meshwork of reddened lines over his back and shoulders. Anko had screamed when she saw his body, beating her fists against her own head. She had been horrified and sickened, filled with shame. He could still see her, head bent low on her knees sobbing, begging for his forgiveness. Neji shuddered at the memory. He had loved her and it hurt watching the woman he adored tearing herself apart, even if the image was now only in his head now. Anko realized what she had been doing and just how far they had gone. The fact that Neji was almost a decade younger only made her feel worse. That was the day she had screamed at him to leave and never return, to save himself. Anko told him that if he ever became like her, if he ever allowed himself to be twisted into the monster that she had become under Orochimaru's guidance…that she would kill him herself.
She told Neji that she was so very sorry and he had gone, not because he wanted to, but because she was so fierce and terrible. He had gone back and tried to talk to her many times, but she had never so much as cracked the door to speak with him. Neji raged at her and cried for her and sent letters, but she only looked at him as an instructor, in the harshness of daylight, without even a hint of warmth. Neji nursed the hurt and slowly became numb as his first love ended and he finally began to heal. When he became officially betrothed to Hinata, Neji left flowers at Anko's door with a note and never walked west again.
He sighed. Almost three years had passed and her apartment seemed just the same. The door was unremarkable and yet he had managed to remember everything about the barrier. The scarred wood held many secrets, from the way bracings had creaked when she slammed it in his face, to the way it trembled when he had made love to her against it. Despite her fierceness, Anko was tiny and easy to lift, easy to hold…too easy. Neji swallowed, feeling hot and cold at the same time, terrified of what she would say and eager to hear the words. He would have knocked, but the door opened before he had even raised his hand. She knew he was there, she had always known.
"Hey, kid, are you lost?" She asked, her lithe, strong, compact body lounging easily against the door frame in a rumpled kimono and her steel netting.
"I am, sensei. I need your help." Neji replied, his voice shaking only a little.
"Help?" Her eyes narrowed and he knew at once that she was concerned.
"I…I am supposed to…well…I will be married soon." Neji whispered, trying to drag his eyes away from the supple curve of her breasts beneath the net.
"Baby…I told you not to waste yourself on this. It isn't love and you are too young to know the difference." Anko said, pulling her kimono tighter.
"No…That isn't why. It isn't what you think. I just…I need your help because I'm getting married." Neji groaned lamely.
"To your creamy little cousin? She's a good kid, but Hiashi is nuts if he thinks that she can handle you. You have too many kinks." Anko said, yawning to hide the pain in her eyes.
"No. She won the right to marry Kiba…I…I have been offered to someone else." Neji replied.
"So the cream puff has claws after all? Good girl, I'm proud of her." Anko said thoughtfully.
"Hinata fought well."
"And now Hiashi's whoring you out to somebody else? Typical…" Anko said, crossing her arms.
"He does what he thinks is best for the clan and for Konoha." Neji replied defensively.
"Yeah, right. Why come to me?" Anko asked, just a bit cruelly.
"May I come in?" Neji asked her, moving closer.
"No." Anko whispered.
"Anko! I…I'm not here because…I only…Ah! I want to speak with you as a professor, dammit!" He snapped. Her eyes widened.
"You bug all your teachers at three in the morning?" She asked, crooked smile fond and also a little mean.
"Only the ones who know how to fuck someone and feel nothing." He spat back. She stiffened.
"That wasn't the problem and you know it! We went too far, got too deep, it was bad…you know it was bad…" She growled, her tone low and dangerous.
"Anko…I knew you would be awake…"
"You should not be here, Neji. I shouldn't be talking to you. All of this is my fault." She sighed.
"Please…I had to see you." He whispered, moving boldly to set a gentle hand on her shoulder.
The woman sighed, looking unhappy. Her slate brown eyes were closed and secretive, the long lashes curling fetchingly against her cheek. Anko chewed her lip, looking a little panicked, and looked at his hand upon her shoulder. Neji expected her to either break it or kiss it, but his one-time lover did neither. She moved back, retreating smoothly and beckoned for him to follow.
"Ask whatever you want. I will give you what information I can." She said, her posture firm and authoritative.
Neji sighed in relief and moved to sit beside her on the narrow couch. Anko, hyper as ever, bustled about shoving socks behind cushions and making tea. Neji tried to compose his thoughts. He had so many questions, so many secret worries, he wasn't even sure where to start.
"What about the sex…" He began.
"Lie there and take it. Make all the appropriate noises, most people don't know the difference." She said tersely.
"What about…I…my marriage is to be a political one and my leader wants me there in the capacity of a peace token and also as a spy. How do I get information without giving away my purpose?" Neji asked, tone soft and respectful.
Anko's mouth tightened and she glared hard at the tea kettle like she would set it on fire. Neji bit his lip, unsure what exactly had upset her.
"That part is easy. You just have to tell the person you are seducing a few kind of intimate things about yourself. Nothing damning, just little, private things…You give secrets like pieces of candy and it is so sweet that sooner or later your lover must reciprocate. They begin to make a habit of it, talking about their own private thoughts, and soon they begin to forget that you are a foreigner in their bed. Soon they will tell you anything." Anko replied, her voice cold.
"Why would you tell a mark any secrets?" Neji asked.
"Because it won't matter. You are going to kill them."
"Oh. I will not be killing…um…the person I am marrying." Neji replied, worried.
"If fucking Hiashi wants you there as a spy, that is what he will expect." Anko replied tightly and the tea cup shattered in her hands.
Neji winced and said nothing as the woman cursed loudly and moved to clean up the mess. She had cut herself and was lapping the blood away with long angry strokes of her strong pink tongue as she worked. Anko was angry, very angry, but Neji was still not sure why.
"God damn Suna china! Breaks if you breathe on it wrong!" She snarled.
"Yeah, it is fragile. Sand makes the thinnest bone china in the world." Neji replied, moving to help her.
"I know that." She groused.
"You're bleeding…" Neji whispered.
"Yeah…" She breathed, guarding her injured hand from him like the appendage might explode.
Neji backed away sighing. Once the situation would have been erotic and she would have offered her hand to him as her eyes grew warm with want. Now there was only fear and self-loathing in the woman's face and posture. Anko looked for a moment as if she might cry, blushing hard, embarrassed. Neji moved to lay a hand against her back, and Anko swatted it away. For a moment they were silent.
"I am speaking to you as a professor." She reminded him.
"I know…but you are hurt." Neji pushed.
"I would rather only one of us be." She replied softly, eyes filled with shame.
"As you want. I also need to know about Jinchuuriki." Neji said coldly, leaning away. Her eyes widened.
"Why would you need to know about them?" She breathed, looking startled.
"I am being married to a Jinchuuriki, as his second subordinate. You once implied that you might know something about that." Neji asked, just a little unkindly.
"Oh Kami…not that…" She whispered.
"What?"
"That is a different situation entirely! Sleeping with a Jinchuuriki is not that same as seducing a mark! What is Hiashi thinking? That…that IDIOT! You shouldn't do that…" She shouted, looking frightened and very pale.
"I have to!" Neji hissed. Anko pressed her lips into an angry, stressed line before her face finally softened.
"Leave. Just run away, I'll help you…"
"Anko! I can't DO that!" Neji shouted, desperate. She sighed, chewing her lip.
"Oh Neji…I'm so sorry." She finally replied, setting her uninjured hand against his face.
"Why? What is so horrible about it? What do you know?" Neji asked, afraid himself. She groaned and looked away.
"I shouldn't tell you this."
"You promised."
"I have never told anyone this before, Neji…" Anko whispered, unsure.
"I have kept all your other secrets." Neji pushed, deeply worried now.
"I suppose…I guess you should know. Jinchuuriki are not human. They can look human and learn to act human, but really, really they aren't. You will never have to give secrets to a Jinchuuriki for them to tell you theirs…"
"Why?"
"Because they don't hide anything. They don't have any secrets." Anko said, smiling sadly.
"Oh…then it's easy. No need for deception at all…" Neji said, smiling nervously.
"Yes, too easy." Anko agreed, keeping her dark, angry eyes glued to the floor.
"I…I'm not sure I understand, sensei." Neji replied quietly.
"When a Jinchuuriki sleeps with someone, they do so with complete trust. Maybe that is why they are always so shocked by human cruelty, why every blow is like the first. Jinchuuriki love completely or hate completely, there is nothing in between when the situation is one they know well." Anko explained.
"So…when Gaara first came to Konoha, the way he was when we were younger…"
"Yes. He hated his village completely because someone had taken the time and effort to teach him to do so. They hurt him, betrayed him and lied to him and, because every hurt is just as fresh as the first to a Jinchuuriki, they finally taught him to treat them all as enemies. He was practically a sociopath. Then, when he fought with Naruto, his perspective changed and now he must love completely. Now he would offer up his life for Sunkagure, for any Suna ninja, without a second thought. The very people who almost broke him, Gaara now protects and loves with everything that he is. That is just how they are." Anko whispered sadly, shrugging.
"Sensei…how do you know this…no one knows this…"
"Does it really matter?" She asked.
"I want to know. Please!" Neji pressed.
"Once, when I was barely more than a child, Orochimaru took me to a country far, far in the west. We travelled for days, almost a year, and then we came to a city amidst vast grasslands. He told me to watch and listen, to tell him all that I saw. He told me to make her love me and then he gave me to a Jinchuuriki…" Anko whispered, eyes dark and shuttered with pain.
"W…What…?"
"Yes. She was the vessel of a great leopard demon, Kageneko, a six tailed beast of the grasslands. I was her third subordinate. She took me because she knew that Orochimaru was a powerful shinobi, not to be offended, and because she needed one of the medicines he had made to save her people from a terrible plague. She was told our marriage was a gesture of good will. What she did not know was that he had started the plague himself in order to blackmail her and plant a spy."
"What did he want?"
"The demon, he took them to fuel his experiments. I was 14." Anko said tonelessly, her expression distant.
"That's horrible…" Neji gasped, genuinely disgusted.
"No. That's the worst part. It wasn't horrible." She said, shutting her eyes tight.
"But…how…?"
"She was kind to me. She loved me. Every day, I would wake up and the other subordinates would tell me that I was so cute, so beautiful. No one had ever said that to me before. My sensei always lamented that fact that I was so ugly, too homely to ever hope to use my looks as a distraction during assassination. Even though her skin was so dark and her eyes so strange, she never made me feel worthless or afraid, not even once."
"But…Sensei…"
"I guess she pitied me, married so young to a monster who could barely even speak the same language. My alpha did everything she could to make me happy. Her mate, he was a tall man the color of ebony wood, treated me more like a daughter and taught me how to play music. She said I was too young to 'rest with him' like my co-wives could. How could she know that Orochimaru had already made me 'rest' with people before? That I had already had an education in seduction…and murder?" Anko whispered, her voice catching.
"Anko…"
"She dressed me up, just like a doll, and when she kissed me I felt…I felt like something precious. I had never gotten to just be a child before, but she insisted that I should. It was only my youth that saved her for so long, that made her hesitate…My alpha was the one who taught me to hunt elephants and how to always find water. She wanted me to survive, no matter…no matter what happened. On my fifteenth birthday, she made love to me because I begged her to…and once we had had become lovers…My master killed her." Anko said, the tears finally dripping from her eyes.
"You…you loved her…?" Neji whispered, taken aback.
"I practically worshipped her."
Neji was in shock. He had known that, as Orochimaru's pupil, Anko had been called upon to do terrible things, but…even as a child…He shuddered. The snake sannin had forced Anko, a fourteen year old girl, to fall in love with a Jinchuuriki and then help him kill her.
"Did…Did you do it?" Neji asked, feeling dizzy.
"No. I loved her too much and I was in her thrall. Orochimaru was too clever to trust in the loyalties of a stupid child so one night he came and took me. He poisoned me. When she saw that I would die, my alpha was willing to do anything, give anything to save me. Sensei told her that the poison was fatal without his antidote…" Anko whispered, voice raw with hurt.
"So…he lied to distract her…" Neji guessed, feeling sick.
"No. There was no lying. All he had to do was make her love me and then threaten my life. Because she was a Jinchuuriki, because she loved completely, she let him take the demon and…died when it was gone." Anko hissed, sobbing and angry
"I'm…so sorry." Neji whispered, stunned.
"When she died…it was like a part of my mind was torn apart. The thrall…I had forgotten what it felt like to be alone in my own head. I screamed and screamed, but no one heard me because I wasn't screaming out loud. I was catatonic for almost ten days, unable to move, to respond to anything. Her mate died with her and so did the younger subordinate, because they could not live without her inside them, without the thrall. The older one managed to escape with the children…"
"What do you mean by a thrall?" Neji asked, afraid to hear more and yet unable to stop.
"She could possess me, see through my eyes, push my own consciousness aside if she needed to."
"The others couldn't live without that? Without being controlled? It sounds awful…" Neji said, shivering.
"When she did it, when she took me, it was like being wrapped in the arms of someone who loves you, someone greater and stronger than you could ever be. The feeling was like…not being alone in my own head. She could move me, see with my eyes and so…so she understood how I felt…You could never understand it…" Anko moaned, sobbing hard.
"By Kami…" Neji whispered, putting a hand over his mouth.
Anko sat and rocked and sobbed like a little girl, holding her fist tight over her heart. Neji had never seen her cry that way, not even when Anko had ended their love affair. She cried and wailed like a mourner, her sorrow so deep that the feeling made the air thick. Neji swallowed, not sure what to say.
"I…I had the chance to be happy...to be loved. I could have told her what Sensei was planning. She was so strong, unstoppable, I just thought…"
"…that she would be strong enough." Neji finished for her.
"Yes." Anko said.
They were silent for a long time, sitting on the cold tile of Anko's floor. Finally Anko stood, brushing her wild dark hair away from her face, sighing shakily. Neji stood with her, standing quietly, his mind filled with all that she had said and deep foreboding that her words brought. There was no way Hiashi could be planning to do what that bastard serpent, Orochimaru, had done. The Hyuuga clan leader was just worried, maybe even paranoid, but Neji could not believe that he would act so callously. Still, Anko's words made him uncomfortable…
"Thank you sensei, for your time and guidance." Neji finally said, bowing.
"Take care, kid. And Neji…"
"Yes?"
"You don't want to live with that kind of regret. Trust me." Anko whispered and turned away.
OoOoOoO
"Old Fox! Wake up, dammit! I need you!" Naruto shouted into the depths of his own consciousness.
He sat, meditating, on a small mat just inside the bedroom. Sasuke and Sakura were both fast asleep, tangled together on the bed, and he had managed to get up without waking them. Sasuke was curled tightly around the Kunoichi, his body protecting her even in sleep. Sakura was too tired to complain about the dark haired ninja winding himself around her like a snake and, for once, allowed herself to be tied up in his embrace. Poor Sasuke, at least he was finally sleeping. Naruto sighed and focused his attention inward.
Ever since meeting Sai at the tea shop, Naruto had been trying to decide what to think, what to do. All those images, drawn so carefully, filled with such deep and poignant emotion. How could Sai, who barely even knew what a friend was, draw him with such a familiar hand? The sketches had been crafted with depth and care, as if by a lover, not a deeply damaged young man incapable of feeling anything at all. How could he do it over and over and over again if the act meant nothing to him? Naruto took another deep breath through his nose and tried to concentrate. The Kyuubi had been in a rather comfortable almost-slumber since the day of his wedding, but Naruto had no doubt that it would speak if he asked the beast for help.
"Please Fox…" Naruto pleaded.
"Stop shouting, kit! I hear everything you say and being loud is aggravating me!" The Kyuubi snarled from deep within Naruto's soul.
"I need your advice." Naruto thought, more quietly.
"That is a first. Don't you little pink humans know everything already?" Kyuubi groused sarcastically.
"Oh come on! I have no one else to ask and that is your fault!" Naruto seethed.
"Don't make accusations you don't understand. Neither your father nor my vessel died by my actions." Kyuubi hissed, angry.
"Look…I just need to talk to SOMEBODY and you are the only one who might actually KNOW SOMETHING!" Naruto snapped.
"Calm yourself, kit. Everything looks perfectly fine to me. Our female is carrying our child, your subordinate is handling the fire sleep decently, at least considering his history. Nothing is burning down or exploding, no need to panic." The Fox said, sounding annoyed.
"The 'fire sleep'? What the hell is that? Ahhh, never mind! That isn't what I'm worried about anyway!" Naruto shouted, feeling angry.
"You aren't worried for our female or the subordinate?" Kyuubi asked, sounding intrigued despite the creature's tone.
"No…I have to ask you about something else…"
"Ask what you will, kit. Human worries are of little concern of mine." Kyuubi replied, yawning.
"Ugh, you are so ANNOYING!" Naruto hissed.
"I am not the one waking you up in the middle of the night over some vague little human anxiety attack." The Fox said flatly.
"Oh…Fine! Look, I have to ask you about Sai." Naruto said.
"Sai?" The beast replied, sounding vaguely surprised.
"Yes."
"Oh. He is the one who draws his emotions instead of feeling them."
"Uh…yeah. So you saw the drawings." Naruto sighed.
"Yes…but their relevance was lost upon me. I do not understand human constructs well."
"Well…I think that the drawings might mean that he is…well…in love with me."
"Oh."
"Yes, 'Oh'! This is a disaster!" Naruto snapped sarcastically.
"Why?"
"Because I don't know what to do…" The jinchuuriki whined.
"Why must you do anything?" Kyuubi asked, obviously confused.
"Well…cuz I thought…my friend might be in pain…I don't want that." Naruto replied, feeling awkward.
"Kit, many people are in pain because of you, myself included." Kyuubi sniped, obviously confused by the direction of the conversation.
"No! Ah! Stupid fox! That isn't what I'm trying to ask you!" Naruto snapped.
"Then what do you want?" The kitsune grumbled.
"Look, something has me worried. You never mentioned Sai, I mean when you wanted me to take mates…"
"So?"
"So…what do you think of him? Is there some reason why you never brought him up when you were bugging me to take a subordinate?" Naruto asked, resisting the urge to rub at the headache forming between his brows.
"Sai is a juvenile, is he not?" The Fox asked, obviously confused.
"No. He's older than I am by at least a couple months."
"Oh. How strange. He seemed has always seemed so…immature…" Kyuubi muttered, puzzled.
"Look…You once said that I should take two subordinates and Gaara already has three, can we only do that during a heat?" Naruto asked.
"No. Once you are physically mature, you can claim subordinates whenever the opportunity becomes…beneficial. Truly, it is quite bizarre that you only have Sasuke." The Fox said, sounding weirdly judgmental.
"How does that ever end up actually working? I can barely keep Sasuke from killing off the neighbors, much less another subordinate!" Naruto groused, feeling embarrassed.
"They struggle for a while, you exert a bit of authority, and eventually a hierarchy becomes established. Usually they adapt well enough." Kyuubi said, unconcerned.
"Did…did my mother ever take other subordinates?" Naruto asked softly.
"No…she died far too young." Kyuubi said, its voice heavy with some profound and ancient emotion.
"Oh. I didn't know…" Naruto said, feeling suddenly very young and very alone.
"You worry too much, kit."
"I guess so…I think maybe Sai wants to be my subordinate."
"A few drawings gave you this impression?"
"They weren't 'just a few' and yeah! You don't get it cuz anything human is meaningless to you." Naruto snapped.
"Maybe…he is a gifted ninja at least. Not an ideal subordinate, but if you must mate out of pity…" Kyuubi sighed, annoyed.
"Yeah…I don't know what to do." Naruto groaned.
"Speak with your female. She is wise beyond the ways of most humans and will surely be able to help you. She knows Sai well and can judge if it is best to take him into the pack. The decision always ultimately rests with the female anyway."
"You really love Sakura."
"It is rare to find any creature, of any sex, with the depth of courage and affection that she possesses. Even I can recognize her quality." Kyuubi mused, sounding nostalgic somehow.
"Well…that's a pretty good idea. Thanks." Naruto said, feeling better.
"You…you are welcome, silly kit." The Fox replied, sounding almost affectionate.
"There's a lot more to you than I thought." Naruto chuckled.
"You are also more than you seem."
OoOoOoO
Sai lay in bed, staring at the massive mural he had painted on the ceiling, hoping that the images might tell him the secrets his own mind kept hidden. Sai had painted Naruto and the Kyuubi and fire and Sakura and Suna porcelain and glittering jewels and Sasuke too, a great collage of lovingly drawn faces and cruel looking edges. He would have continued painting, adding eternally to the work now stretching across the entire ceiling and down one of the walls, but he had run out of paint. Perhaps that was also a part of the organic nature of the act, being forced to stop by purely material reasons. There was some irony in that and Sai wondered if he had gone completely insane. Regardless, Sai was not interested in leaving the apartment for paints or anything else. Eventually the landlord would find out and be furious and make noise, but Sai did not care. Lately, something had been stirring deep within his psyche, a kind a mental illness so consuming that he could no longer bear to simply ignore it.
The feeling had started quietly as a vague, distant sort of nervous discomfort that came after meeting Naruto and Sakura at the tea house. He had felt ill that afternoon and gone home to lie down, but the hurt only intensified. Days had passed, but time did nothing to dull the ache and Sai still hadn't managed to sleep more than a few hours at a time. The feeling, small and insidious at first, had grown until the pounding agony in his chest eclipsed everything else. Sai was in pain, but the pain was not of a kind that he could understand. He was a ninja and, as such, bore many scars. Sai had been burned, his bones broken, his flesh bruised, slashed, poisoned…none of it had hurt even a fraction of what he suffered now. He closed his eyes and breathed, trying to force the images of Naruto's smile and Sasuke's porcelain skin and Sakura's glittering hair from his mind. Whatever it was his mysterious brain had been hoping for was, in fact, hopeless and he needed to at least accept that.
Perhaps Shino was right, he often was. He was not fit for duty, barely fit even to stand and walk about to mix paint. Nothing in Sai's experience had prepared him for this trial. He was forced to fight an enemy within, one that he may have conquered before, but could not remember. How could he fight if he could not remember what it was to feel and, more importantly, how to stop feeling? If only he had seen the signs earlier and sought help, he might have survived this disease. Tsunade was an excellent doctor and if he went to the hospital, perhaps he could have seen Sakura too. There was no more paint and the mural was still a mystery to him. Death now seemed a certainty.
There was a loud knocking on his door, but Sai made no move to answer it or even call out a response. He sighed and focused on what it meant to be dying. Whoever it was would go away eventually.
"Sai! Dammit! I know you're in there! I know because no one has seen you in almost two weeks!" Shino shouted through the door. Sai shut his eyes.
There was a bit more shouting and then the unmistakable sound of dry wood cracking apart. So Shino was forcing the door, the landlord would definitely be upset. Hopefully, Sai thought, he would be dead by then and the landlord would be stuck with no recourse, but to shout at his corpse. Amazingly, if he were dead, Sai could manage to care less about his rental situation than he already did.
"SAI! You idiot! You were just lying there this entire time and I thought, because no one had seen you that something had…oh Kami…" Shino trailed off as he noticed the ceiling.
"I have been painting." Sai muttered.
"Why…?" Shino asked, looking horrified.
"I don't know. It makes me hurt less and more, but I am trying to understand what it means." Sai replied softly, wishing Shino would go away.
"It just means you are in love. Just like I told you before. You are in love with Sakura and Naruto and…holy shit…is that Sasuke too?" Shino groused, looking startled at a rather revealing painting of Sasuke just above the window.
"He is pretty…like porcelain…"
"You only like him because Naruto likes him! This whole thing is stupid, Sai! Let it go!" Shino shouted.
"Go away." Sai muttered.
"Have you even slept? I know you aren't eating and…the whole ceiling? Shit! Please don't tell me that you have been in here for two weeks…" Shino asked, looking both incredulous and very worried.
"More like one week and three quarters…How do you know if I'm eating?" Sai asked, a little nettled.
"This had GOT to stop! I can tell you haven't been eating because you look terrible! By Kami! You have to stop painting because…because you always paint THEM and it is driving you crazy! It is driving ME crazy!" Shino barked, obviously upset.
"I did stop. I am out of paint."
"That is NOT what I meant, dammit! Ahhh! I am dragging your ass to the hospital because…because you are obviously SICK! VERY SICK! DAMMIT!" Shino railed.
"It is too late. I am already dying." Sai said, looking into Shino's flushed and furious face.
"You aren't dying! You are just lovesick and obsessive and…and OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!" Shino roared.
"I had considered that." Sai mused.
"I am taking you to the hospital! Now!" Shino snarled.
"Well, if you think that they can still save me…"
"Someone has to!"