Resistance is futile
Gai didn’t like stealth missions much, Kakashi wasn’t keen on anything involving extensive public relations work. They compromised with a reasonably straightforward sabotage mission. Some merchant wanted to make an example of one of his competitors, and wasn’t shy about people knowing it. It was a basic attack, demolish, and leave graffiti burned into the ruins job, about as unsubtle as ninja work got, so that kept Gai happy, and requiring very little actual interaction with the clients which kept Kakashi happy.
Honestly they probably could have gotten it done in a week, but well the clients didn’t know that and they were getting paid by the hour. Besides it had been a long time since they’d worked together and neither of them was in a rush to be done. So they lingered over the details, and were creative about their methodology. The results were a fucking work of art, a study in destruction that any high level ninja would appreciate even if their civilian client wouldn’t. Sometimes it just wasn’t about the client. By the end of it Kakashi was sure, working with Gai again was even more fun than the last job he did with Zabuza. They would definitely have to do this again.
Kakashi ni-san and Gai sensei were gone for quite a long time. That was ok because they’d left Naruto with Lee, who was the most awesome friend he’d ever had. He was even better than Haku, who could be a bit highly strung sometimes. He was definitely better than that idiot Sasuke who thought Itachi was better than Naruto’s big brother.
Lee was amazing. He was loud, and friendly, and enthusiastic. When Naruto suggested things to do he always had ways to make them more exciting, and he was always ready to go on an adventure. Naruto was halfway to declaring them Best Friends Forever, which as every six year old knows is a serious commitment. So when Ni-san and Gai sensei had left them alone together Naruto had barely been able to contain his excitement.
They had woken up in their hotel room to a beautiful morning. Lee had suggested they train, Naruto had said it was too nice a day to train in the village, Lee had told him about a film he’d seen where the main character went into the mountains to train and became super awesome because of his new understanding of his place in the universe, and by mid morning they had their bags packed for an expedition.
…
The mountains were wonderful, until about halfway through the afternoon when the snacks ran out and their energy started to flag, and they realised neither of them remembered the way back. Still neither of them was the sort of person who would crumble in the face of such a minor setback and so they forged bravely ahead.
It was sunset by the time they finally came upon evidence of human civilisation. Lee had been nervous, but Naruto was wise in the ways of the world and he knew that being small and adorable meant people would be friendly, and forgiving, and generous, and would most likely be delighted to give them food and somewhere to stay for the night.
He was right. The monks had been both kind and welcoming to them, aside from the odd fact that they didn’t seem to talk. That was ok though because they had ramen. Naruto could forgive almost any oddity for the sake of ramen.
…
It had been two weeks and Kisame was coming to the somewhat belated conclusion that all Uchiha were crazy. Really the discussion that had led to his assimilation should have been his first warning. Normal people didn’t talk about stealing S class nin for their own amusement.
As time had gone on it had become increasingly obvious that the brothers were… well batshit crazy was the first description that sprang to mind really. It was the cackling that really did it he reckoned. Plenty of ninja liked destructive jutsus, there was nothing wrong with that, even if setting fire to random buildings in the deserted village that served as their home base/training area/playground did seem a little excessive. But the cackling while they did it, that was something else. Something about it just sent chills down the spine.
And then there was the limpet impression little Uchiha did whenever big Uchiha tried to go on a mission without him. It was cute and kind of funny, at first. Kisame had laughed. And then Chibichiha had done… something with genjutsu, or ninjustu, or some unholy Uzumaki seal matrix, and suddenly there were tentacles, and too many angles, and a wrongness that sucked at Kisame’s eyeballs and made him want to scrape his own brain out with a spoon. It was fucked up. Big Uchiha had just smiled, which was honestly even more fucked up. Kisame had wondered at that point if he should just run away. Although judging by the way Sasuke watched him, and took care to block the obvious exits that might have proven easier said than done.
He could have run, probably, but there was something compelling about their insanity. It was just so incredibly, disturbingly, bizarre. The kind of bizarre that stopped being quite real the moment you stopped watching it. He kind of wanted to keep watching, forever. Besides, the kid was cute, and his brother was also cute but in a different way, and neither of them had ever lied to him. It was refreshing, they might be crazy but it was an honest sort of crazy. They didn’t try to be anything else.
So he’d stayed despite himself, and he found himself getting drawn into their insanity little by little. It wasn’t like he’d been exactly stable to begin with, he was a jounin and everyone knew all jounin were crazy, but as the weeks lengthened into months and he still didn’t separate himself from the Uchiha brothers he found that his crazy was starting to align with their crazy in new and exciting ways.
It wasn’t until the day that Sasuke had responded to news of a mission by clinging to him instead of Itachi that he realised just how in over his head he was though. All he could think as he tried to peel Sasuke off his leg before he cut off the circulation to his foot was, “Oh fuck I’ve been adopted.” The worst part was that he didn’t even mind. He was blaming Stockholm syndrome.
…
Lee woke at dawn to find the monks who had sheltered them for the night partaking in some of the most youthful training he’d ever seen. One of them punched a boulder and it fell apart. It was so cool. Lee wanted to be that amazing.
So he asked. The monks had looked at him, and then each other, and then conducted a silent conversation using nothing but their eyebrows and some emphatic hand movements. Then one of them had beckoned him to follow and led him into the temple, where he was fitted with a set of robes and brought to sit with the acolytes. Another monk had appeared shortly after with a similarly clad Naruto behind him. And so their instruction in the path of the Silent monks began.
They learned many things over the next few weeks, how to cleanse their minds, and connect to the world around them, and break a man’s neck in six places without even standing up. Learning had involved a lot of running up mountains with pails of water, and meditating quietly in the temple, but that was ok, neither of them was afraid of hard work, and Lee knew from the films he’d seen that seemingly useless tasks were actually a vital part of training meant to teach the student important life lessons.
He was almost sad when Gai sensei and Kakashi san had showed up to get them. He was glad to see Gai sensei again of course, but he would miss the monks.
…
Kakashi didn’t even know why he bothered to be surprised when the kids weren’t where they left them. He was honestly more surprised that the town was still standing. Based on Naruto’s track record a smoking ruin would have been more in line with what was expected.
It had actually taken a while to track them down. Mostly due to the lack of a trail of smoking destruction to follow. Usually when he wanted to find Naruto all he had to do was head for the ominous glow on the horizon. He found the relative peace and quiet unnerving.
It was even more unnerving when he finally managed to track the kids down in a peaceful monastery. Admittedly it was a monastery full of terrifying warrior monks under a vow of silence, but still, it was still standing, in one piece, with no major breakdowns of law and order or the structure of reality in the area. Clearly Lee was a good influence.
They didn’t even have any trouble retrieving the kids from the monks. The monks had been perfectly happy to look after them for a while but seemed honestly relieved that the, admittedly rather loud children, would be leaving their sanctuary to its former state of peace rather than staying indefinitely. They definitely weren’t about to fight to keep them from leaving.
As they left the area peacefully and with the goodwill of the local inhabitants Kakashi ket waiting for the other shoe to drop. It just didn’t feel right, leaving in broad daylight rather than fleeing secretly under cover of darkness.
He was almost relieved a week later when Naruto used his newly learned warrior monk superpowers to accidentally punch a hole in the wall of a bank vault.
…
Asuma had not done a Hatake. He wanted that to be made perfectly clear. He had chosen to leave, perfectly legally, to join the twelve guardian ninja, which was a perfectly legal and well respected profession. He was not a missing nin, and he definitely hadn’t done a Hatake. It was perfectly allowable for a jounin on long distance assignment to take an apprentice with him. He even had permission from his student’s clan head. In fact the clan head had practically begged him to take the boy.
In any case it was all legal and above board and so it totally didn’t count as doing a Hatake. Even if he had left the village with a small child in tow. He let his mind drift back to the day he left.
He’d been packing to leave, when he’d received a rather unexpected visitor. He certainly hadn’t expected Hyuuga Hiashi of all people to appear in his window. And he really hadn’t expected the man to shove an unconscious small child into his arms, and say to take him.
“The elders are being… unreasonable about his treatment.” Hiashi said, “With the village in the state it is I can’t afford discord within the clan, but I promised my brother I’d take care of him. If you take him as an apprentice it’ll get him out of their reach without stirring up trouble none of us can afford.” It had taken a few moment’s for Asuma to process what was happening, so he anwered slowly.
“Are you… asking me to kidnap your nephew?”
“No. Kidnapping implies illegality. It is perfectly legal for you to take Neiji as your apprentice if you have the permission of a parent or guardian. Which you do.” Hiashi replied promptly.
“Doesn’t that sort of thing require… paperwork.” Asuma wondered out loud.
“Here it is. I took the liberty of filling it all in for you, you just have to sign here, here, and here.”
“Don’t I get a say in this?” Asuma was getting the feeling he was being railroaded into something here.
“He won’t be any trouble. He’s a sweet boy, very talented.” Asuma noted how Hiashi didn’t actually answer his question. He didn’t get a say then. Typical. The kid shifted slightly in his arms, but didn’t wake. A thought occurred to him.
“Does he get a say in this?”
“It’s for his own good.” Hiashi replied primly. That was another no then. Why did Asuma even bother. It was obvious he wasn’t getting out of town without the kid. He sighed. It wasn’t like he was actually heartless enough to leave a kid in a bad situation but he had been hoping for a few years free of unwanted responsibility, surely there had been some ninja actually, looking to do a Hatake that could have taken him.
“Fine, whatever. Pass me those papers.”
A week later and they were at the Daimyo’s court. At least the kid was as well behaved, and talented as Hiashi had promised, although he’d initially been less than pleased to wake up to find he’d been handed off to a complete stranger. Still the kid was bright, and it was maybe just a little satisfying to watch the way he picked up on Asuma’s haphazard lessons. He might not have planned to take the kid, but he didn’t really regret it either.
…
Three weeks in the jungle and the clients were getting twitchy. Actually no, that was a lie, they’d been twitchy from the start, but they had been getting worse as time went on. Professor Hinamori was from the looks of things one oversized bug away from an actual heart attack, and Professor Shiba had already thrown six Kunai, badly, in the vague directions of a monkey, a shadow, and an intimidatingly shaped tree. Raidou noticed that he’d spectacularly failed to miss all of them. His last throw had nearly taken Professor Sato’s eye out. Raidou was almost tempted to confiscate the man’s weapons for the safety of the party as a whole, but in the end he decided he just didn’t care enough. Sato had it coming anyway, creepy bastard.
The map was old, and, evidently only minimally accurate, because it took a lot of wandering aimlessly through the rainforest looking for landmarks before they finally came to the ancient temple that was the first stop on their journey.
Professor Kirihara was the first to enter. Presumably because he’d spent the entire trip trying to show off to Professor Hinamori who was too busy hyperventilating to pay much attention. The ninja had settled in for a long and boring stint of guard duty when a trap involving whirring blades, and some kind of clockwork mechanism nearly took their client’s head off. Only Ino’s quick thinking throwing a kunai at the man’s knee saved him, and the situation was enough to bring all the ninja back to a state of alert interest. It seemed their instincts about this expedition had proved right after all.