How to make friends and influence people
Sometimes, Itachi wondered if anyone was actually reading his psych reports, because there was no way they were coming out “within reasonable limits”. He was falling apart. There was just so much pressure, and he really didn’t feel old enough to be dealing with this. Most kids his age were still running D ranks and being pulled out of difficult situations by their jounin sensei’s, certainly none of them had to deal with the clusterfuck that was Uchiha-village relations.
It wasn’t that he minded being a prodigy exactly. He was a good ninja, he liked the challenge of high ranked missions, and it wasn’t as if anyone had forced him to pass his exams early. Yes there was a lot of blood, and violence, and sleeping outside in the rain, but honestly it was far better than being stuck running the Tora the demon cat mission, and there was a fair amount of pride in knowing you were trusted to run the high ranked missions. It wasn’t the ninja work that was the problem. He’d signed up for that, he’d known more or less what he was getting into, and he knew he could do it. What he hadn’t signed up for was politics.
Politics Itachi was starting to believe, was basically a scaled up version of the kind of spurious rivalries you expected from academy students, and no matter what he did things kept escalating. Councilman Danzo set his not so secret police to spy on the Uchiha compound, Fugaku sent his officers on a “drugs raid” of Danzo’s offices. Danzo restricted the Uchiha to their clan compound when not on missions, the Uchiha military police instituted a village wide curfew. Whenever one of them made a move the other would respond and maybe the Sandaime might have been able to keep a lid on things, but with him out of commission it was verging on open warfare between the two factions. The Uchiha elders were making noises about a coup, and Itachi knew for a fact that some suspiciously large weapons shipments had been disappearing into Danzo’s underground lair. His clan were on the verge of starting a civil war with the rest of the village and neither side was willing to listen to reason.
The thing Itachi wanted to know was, since when was a teenager the voice of reason in a political dispute. The only person who even tried to support him in defusing the situation was his cousin Shisui, and Shisui wasn’t all that much older than he was. Konoha was on the brink of a civil war it could not afford. It was a miracle they’d managed to keep the situation a secret from enemy villages so far but that was a façade that could collapse at any moment. The other Konoha factions had been carefully reinforcing their strongholds and making alliances in preparation for the inevitable eruption of hostilities. Itachi had seen a brand new set of seals surrounding the hospital, library, and academy, there was a 24 hour guard on every clan compound, and every ninja with even a trace of political awareness had been stockpiling weapons and upgrading their traps. Itachi didn’t know what to do. It seemed like no-one believed the coming troubles could be stopped, and once it started, Itachi had no doubt that enemy villages would pounce on Konoha’s weakness, would destroy his village. It was bad enough trying to keep the Sandaime’s condition under wraps, there was no way they could hide an open civil war. Konoha would fall and everything Itachi had ever known or loved would be destroyed, and still he couldn’t make these idiots see reason.
…
Haku wandered around the backwater village at something of a loose end. Zabuza sama was meeting with a client, and it was bad business to have an eight year old, no matter how skilled, tagging along to contract negotiations for semi-illegal services. In a larger town he’d wait at a restaurant, or at the bath house, in a more isolated area he might remain outside the village entirely, guarding their base camp or gathering herbs. But this town was both small enough that the only restaurant was the one Zabuza was meeting the client in, and large enough that there was nowhere in the surrounding area to make camp without being obvious about their presence. So Haku was stuck wandering around the village trying not to draw attention to himself. It was working too, until a child sized blur crashed into his legs, pursued by angry villagers.
“Hide me Nee-chan.” The blur begged. Haku looked at the villagers, who were all marked by splashes of orange paint. Then he looked at the blur, which had coalesced into the shape of an adorable white haired, child, maybe four years old. Haku stifled a giggle, he could see what had happened here.
“Did you prank the nice villagers?”
“No.” The kid evidently wasn’t a very good liar. “Well ok. Maybe, a bit. But they’re overreacting. Please save me.” Haku pretended to think about it as the villagers drew closer, and then just as the kid looked about to give up and try and make a run for it Haku grabbed him and shunshined out of sight.
The villagers dispersed grouchily as the two of them watched from a tree. The kid breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thanks for saving me nee-chan, they would have thrown me in the river this time for sure.”
“Do you make a habit of pranking innocent villagers then?”
“No!” Haku gave him a sceptical look. “Not usually. It’s just I’m so booored. Ni-san’s been busy talking contracts with the village elders, and the local kids all go to school in the next town so they can’t play with me, and there’s just nothing to do.” Haku who had been thinking much the same thing himself before the kid had showed up couldn’t find himself in it to disagree. Still…
“You could play with me now. My… guardian will probably be in town for a while talking business, and I don’t know anyone here either.” He tried not to sound too hopeful. He would follow Zabuza sama anywhere, but sometimes it was lonely not having any other children to spend time with.
“Really! That would be so awesome nee-chan. We’ll be the best friends ever dattebayo!” Haku started a little at the kid’s enthusiasm. He was really… loud. It was refreshing, in a slightly intimidating sort of way.
“Ne if we’re going to be friends, shouldn’t you tell me your name first?” Haku could hear Zabuza sama calling him but waited a moment to hear the kid’s response.
“Oh right. Yeah. I’m Hatake Naruto dattebayo, and I’m going to be the most kick-ass mercenary in the world when I grow up.” Haku smiled.
“I’m Haku. I have to go now, but we can meet up again later if we’re both still free.” Naruto looked excited by the idea and it gave Haku a warm glowing feeling inside to know that someone was that happy to see him.
“Sure thing Haku nee-chan.” Haku couldn’t resist a parting shot at his new friend.
“Oh and by the way. I’m actually a boy.”
…
Meanwhile Zabuza was having his own unexpected encounter.
“I know you. You’re Hatake Kakashi. The copy nin of Konoha.” Zabuza felt that he was entitled to be a little shocked. You didn’t generally run into ninja of Hatake’s level by chance. The copy nin didn’t tense at being recognised, and his relaxed stance, while irritating at least meant he wasn’t looking for a fight.
“Maa maa Zabuza san, I’m as much a missing nin as you are, demon of Kiri. We’re all just doing business here.” The mocking smile in his visible eye vanished as his voice turned serious. “And I think our client would be upset if we started fighting in the middle of his favourite restaurant.”
“Point.” Zabuza backed down a little, and listened quietly as the client outlined the job. It was fairly straightforward. Simple assassination of the local crime lord, with as much collateral damage as possible, estimated time, two days. He hadn’t expected the copy nin to baulk. The man was a professional, he’d done far worse things in the line of duty. He asked. No-one could accuse Zabuza Momochi of being anything other than blunt. The reply was a bit of a shock.
“I’m just not happy leaving my kid alone for that long.” The copy nin had a kid. What the hell. Zabuza considered a moment. He could just let the copy nin walk out. Offer to complete the task alone with Haku’s help. It would certainly increase their cut. But… the base’s layout made the mission complicated, and as good as Haku was, Hatake was better. If he took Haku in there he’d be risking the kid getting hurt and he found himself strangely unwilling to do that.
“You could leave him with my apprentice.” He found himself saying. “Haku’s young, but he’s easily chunin level, and he’s got a good level head on his shoulders.” The copy nin looked as though he was wavering. Few missing nin’s could afford to turn down work this well paid and Zabuza could see Hatake weighing up the pro’s and cons.
“Your apprentice. How old is he?”
“Eight. But as I said he’s very skilled.” Hatake waved him to silence.
“And how’s his tolerance for pranks?” Zabuza grinned.
“Like they say. It’s always the quiet ones.” Haku might hide it well, but he had a sadistic sense of humour under all the insecurity.
“In that case I wonder if the village will stay standing in our absence. Naruto is four years old and already a menace all by himself. I shudder to think what he could do with a willing accomplice.” Hatake said in a dark tone, before suddenly smiling, like flicking the worlds creepiest personality change switch and adding. “Should be entertaining. I’ll drop Naruto off here in an hour.” And with that the copy nin vanished. Zabuza wasted no time in tracking down his wayward apprentice.
“Oi Haku. You’re on babysitting detail for this mission. Think of it as the D-rank you never got a chance to do back in Kiri.” Because honestly the kid deserved to suffer for never having had to run the sewer alligator extermination mission that had been the bane of Kiri genin’s lives for years.