Kakashi
Kakashi, writhed helplessly in bed under the plague of his own thoughts.
Why was his fear of losing Sakura so much more profound than any fear or feeling of loss he's ever had? He'd been able to save her from the villain Uchiha but the influx of emotions he felt in between finding out that she was going after Sasuke, and barely managing to save her was incomprehensible.
His mind raced as he tried to rationalize it.
It's just because we've been through so much together as student and teacher and as comrades. I'd feel the same if it was Naruto.
Though even as he thought so, his heart pounded against his chest, telling him that he was wrong.
Am I sick?
Through losing Obito, Rin, Minato, his father; none of those emotions were even a far stone’s throw from the pool of emotions he felt now. The same ones that boiled over and sent rare tears falling from his eyes as soon as he was within the privacy of his home.
The image of Sasuke nearly piercing Sakura haunted his every waking moment. Sleep failed to free him from his living hell, as his subconscious branded him with nightmares of a successful execution by Sasuke. Sakura’s blood stained his mind and he felt responsible. The pain was severe, so much so that he considered ending it all.
I've developed feelings for my former student and the one her heart most yearns for tried to kill her.
Kakashi’s moods worsened slowly. He wouldn't leave his home and he was disgusted to learn that Gaara, the Kazekage of the sand had personally requested that he captain a company in the war.
Stop relying on me. Stop making me pretend everything's okay. Everything's not okay.
It wasn't until he heard a few light knocks at his door, that he was certain he recognized, that he even climbed out of bed at all. It, complete with his shame and nightmares, felt like the grave he deserved. He trudged his way to the front door, catching a glimpse of himself looking an uncomfortable amount like his father near the end in a mirror he passed, and came to a stop just behind it.
“What?” He asked weakly.
“Kakashi-Sensei.” Kakashi leaned his head against the door at the sound of Sakura’s voice. Why is my heart racing? “Um… I know you're upset. Lady Tsunade thinks you're just tired but I know you better than that. You wouldn't avoid things for so long if you were fine… You wouldn't avoid me…” I have to avoid you.
“A-and maybe I can't help you deal with everything, which makes my selfish request even worse…” Selfish request? “You…” I'll give you anything you ask me for. “You can't leave me...” Kakashi could hear soft sobs coming from the other side of the door. “Everyone leaves, I hate feeling like I'm not enough to be around and I'm afraid…” Kakashi knew in that moment, with the amount of sincere pain he could hear in Sakura’s voice; that he had to kill Sasuke. He'll be better off dead.
Despite having no confidence in his appearance or hygiene, Kakashi slowly opened the door. Sakura was standing there as he opened it. Her eyes, nose and cheeks were puffy and red but she's still unfathomably beautiful. Kakashi didn't protest when Sakura took a few gentle steps forward and wrapped her arms around his torso and buried her face into his chest. He could only imagine the things she was smelling but instead of drawing back she inhaled. It made Kakashi feel too vulnerable given his recently discovered feelings, so he braced her shoulders gently and started to push her back. Instead of succumbing however, Sakura grabbed tighter.
“Please…”
“Sakura.” Kakashi wrapped his arms safely around her shoulders. “You don't have to be afraid. I'll never let anyone hurt you and I'll never leave you.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Really?”
Kakashi went to push Sakura back again and this time she relented, stepping back with her head held low.
“Look at me.” Sakura looked up, tensing under Kakashi’s fierce stare. “I'll never leave you.”
Most of Sakura’s blush blended in with the red color of her face from crying. “Then will you do something for me?”
“Anything.” Kakashi suddenly felt rejuvenated with his new resolve. Even though he would never get a romantic version of this moment; he didn't mind dedicating his life to Sakura; being there for her when no one else was.
“You have to leave your house starting tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“And you have to start preparing for the war.”
“Okay.”
“And you have to take a shower.”
The slight embarrassment left quickly due to the higher magnitude of mental anguish his multitude of other problems held. “Okay.”
“And never leave me.”
Kakashi gently put a hand on Sakura’s head. “Okay.”
***
Kakashi was walking down the road in a distracted trance. Months of trying to evacuate his feelings for Sakura had the opposite effect on him than he was going for. He was actually hoping for negative interactions to help him to move things out properly but Sakura flat out proved troublesome.
If she would just talk about Sasuke; about missing him and being in love with him I would eventually get sick of it and my emotions would start to wane.
“Oh! Kakashi-Sensei, there you are!”
But she doesn't talk about him at all. Lately, it's like she doesn't even miss him, or care for that matter.
“Kakashi-Sensei?”
She’s always so excited to see me. More so after missions, almost like she missed me.
“K-Kakashi-Sensei, watch out!”
She doesn't treat me like some former teacher or an adult separated by age. She treats me like a friend; a best friend.
Kakashi collided with Sakura but her brute strength sent him falling to the ground. Returned to reality, Kakashi looked up and Sakura was staring down at him with a hand extended. “Ah! I'm sorry! I thought you could hear me!”
Kakashi apprehensively took her hand as his heart began to beat faster, taking every second hers was clasped in his to memorize the feeling as he stood to his feet.
“Sorry, Sakura. I just… Have a lot on my mind.”
Sakura smiled. Beautiful. “Well sure, Naruto’s gone with Gai-Sensei, the war is coming and you're the captain of a company. You were nearly Hokage, and then suddenly weren't. That's a lot to have on your plate.”
Kakashi felt idiotic as Sakura explained all the things he should be worried about. None of those things even crossed my mind today.
“Anyway, I know we're both busy so I wanted to give you this in case we didn't get the chance later.” Sakura held up a bright green bag, Kakashi’s favorite color, with white tissue paper sticking out of the top. “Happy Birthday!”
Kakashi was speechless. Even he hadn't remembered his birthday, but you did; of course you did. Kakashi looked at the joy in her green eyes. So much to be worried about but you're genuinely happy right now. Just to be giving me a present for my birthday. Troublesome.
“Hurry, take it! I'm late for a meeting.” Sakura bounced impatiently.
For a moment the arrogance of their close relationship bleed through his facade.
“Meeting?” You didn't mention anything to me.
“Yeah.” Sakura took Kakashi’s hand and forced the gift into it. “Shizune-Sempai is making me her second-in-command for the medical company.”
Kakashi’s heart pounded in fear. “What?”
Sakura scoffed. “Don't sound so surprised.”
Kakashi tried to shake off the shock. “I'm not.”
Sakura squinted her eyes before waving. “Gotta go, I'm already late. See ya.” She ran off without another word which was better for Kakashi who was officially so panicked he wasn't entirely able to breathe properly.
Reaching Tsunade’s makeshift office took longer due to Kakashi’s fairly poor attempt not to seem out of control. He entered her office without any indication of his intention to do so. Shikaku and Shikamaru Nara were standing on either side of Tsunade’s desk, and she sat behind it. A huge map was scrawled across the desktop but they were all starting at Kakashi with irritation.
“That's not really how we do things around here Kakashi.” Tsunade reviled.
Kakashi bent at the waist, catching a glimpse of his colorful present to actively renew his hysteria. “Please accept my humblest apologies, but I have to speak with you; it's important.”
He stayed bowed until he heard her again. “Give us ten minutes.”
He stood straight again as the Nara men walked around him, Shikaku patting him lightly on the shoulder as he passed.
“Now what--”
“I'm sorry. I have an entirely selfish request to make of you.” His eyes bore into Tsunade.
Tsunade looked up at Kakashi in shock at the harshness of his tone. “What would that be?”
“Please place Sakura in my company.”
Tsunade closed her eyes. “ Kakashi I have great respect for you…” Yeah, I know. “...but that's stupid.”
Kakashi’s stance became more rigid and his voice more desperate. “Please.”
Tsunade looked up at him. “You understand that the only reason she's not the captain of that company is because of her age; she's second only to me in medical ninjustu. It's out of the question.”
“I fear my own ability to focus if I can't keep an eye on her.” Teacher/Student language is likelier to work.
The statement clearly annoyed Tsunade. “You don't think I've trained her well enough for her to defend herself?”
“That's not it, I…” The panic was beginning to conglomerate with frustration and overwhelm Kakashi. I won't leave this office…
Tsunade sighed. “Be honest.”
Kakashi bowed his head. “I'm terrified.” About everything.
Tsunade clasped her hands and closed her eyes in contemplation. She was silent for a while before she finally began speaking again. “I'll admit, I'm a little relieved Kakashi.”
Kakashi looked up in confusion. “Huh?”
Tsunade smiled with her eyes still closed. “I've shared the fear of my predecessors. That despite your incredible kindness and strength, you would never have such… feelings.” Kakashi’s eyes widened in shock. Is it that obvious or is she that good at reading people? “It’s just as good for her too if she can figure it out. You won’t say anything will you?” Kakashi’s eyes and head dropped low. Never. “I won’t try and convince you to do otherwise, but I’ve been hoping for a long time now that someone would interfere with her relationship with Sasuke. I don’t like him.”
Sentiments shared.
Tsunade opened her eyes. “I’m sure it comes as no shock to you that as someone who’s been both unmarried and never had children that I love Sakura like my own daughter.”
“Of course.” Kakashi responded. So if you can feel comfortable being apart from Sakura, I should be able to too.
“So it would quell my fears a bit to know she’s near someone who cares for her so deeply. If she can’t be with me, I suppose I would rather her be with you.”
Kakashi’s heart raced.
“But this is a war Kakashi. We can’t risk the lives of thousands for our own personal feelings. If she’s beckoned, at any point, you have to let her go. Further, at nights she’ll go to the medical tents where she will still serve as second-in-command and if the injuries are too great for her to return to your company then she will have to stay behind.”
Kakashi closed his eyes in relief. He hadn’t expected for Tsunade’s emotions to be the ones that sealed the deal. “I understand.” Kakashi bowed again. “Thank you.”
“Please tell Shikaku and Shikamaru they can return.”
“Yes.” Kakashi replied turning slowly.
“Kakashi?” Tsunade called over.
Kakashi glanced over his shoulder. “Hm?”
“Don’t expect a birthday present from me now.”
Kakashi smiled. “Of course.”
***
It was only because Kakashi wanted to be there, unyielding, for Sakura that he could stand and watch the scene before him.
“Um… Can I come with you?” Sakura asked meekly.
The scene unfolded like a horror scene to Kakashi. He was standing there watching the woman he loved, beg the man he hated, to let her go traveling the world with him because she’s still in love with him, even after everything. Even after he tried to kill you.
Veritable torture.
“No.” Of course not. “My sins are none of your concern.” You're not worthy of her being worried about your sins. “I have to see the world with clearer eyes.” What more clarity could you need than her?
Kakashi deadened himself to the rest of the experience. Even the annoying way Sasuke poked Sakura’s head as a weak promise to ‘see her later.’ Doubtful.
As soft tears rolled down her cheeks while they watched him walk off into the distance, he promised never to forgive the man who’s made her cry so often. The one who refuses to accept gold. What I wouldn’t give. Kakashi shed a few tears of his own for Sakura. What I wouldn’t do. And for himself.
***
Snow drifted down gently, dotting the night sky, emitting a soft hiss as it fell. Originally Kakashi had been annoyed that he had to go and drag Sakura out of her office near midnight after a three day work binge, but he wouldn't trade the image of her beauty against the snow for anything in the world. For the time of year, snow was so rare, it was as if some great deity wanted him to have this image; he was eternally grateful.
Though her green eyes were sunken with exhaustion, Kakashi couldn’t help but steal glances at them; they were his favorite. He slyly came to a stop as they moved along slowly, letting her gain a few feet on him. He reached down and collected a small pile of snow in his hands, then he caught up to her, and dumped it gently on her head.
Sakura’s shoulders shrugged and eyes widened under the feeling. She turned and looked at Kakashi who'd quickly placed his hands back in his pockets and was walking ahead again, as though he wasn't the culprit.
Suddenly he felt a tug at his shirt. The unnaturally strong kunoichi pulled him forcefully and pushed him against a tree. It didn't take long for Kakashi to figure out her plan, but either his inferior strength or his inferior emotions kept him pinned beneath her hold.
“Stop!” He shuffled playfully. “This isn't fair!”
But Sakura’s powerful fist was already in motion. It collided hard with the bark of the tree just above Kakashi’s shoulder and for a brief second, they were the closest they'd ever been to one another. Her body stood flush against his, and her face, complete with devious smile, was mere centimeters away. Kakashi actually felt relieved that she quickly jumped away as, all the snow the branches above had collected, rained down on him. He'd lost control of his impulses and the ‘cold slower’ of snow helped relax him as he forced all his deviant thoughts from his mind. Sakura’s laugh; the pure, melodic, sound; pierced the silence of the night and Kakashi smiled.
You'll never know that this is my happy place.
The, now 22 year old, was constantly telling him that everyone, ‘especially shinobi who've seen war’, needed to know their happy place; a mental idea of one's perfect scenario to escape to during times of great stress or fear.
Fights in the rare October snow with Sakura; my happy place.
“Are you two honestly playing in the snow?” Kakashi's skin crawled. That voice does not belong in my happy place.
They turned towards the voice, neither needing to see the man to know he was there. In the brief second it took to turn, Kakashi prayed he was wrong. That a different voice managed to emulate the one he hated so much. But there he was. There to disrupt Kakashi’s hard earned normalcy. There to destroy his happy place.
“Sasuke.” Sakura said softly, smiling brilliantly at him. She approached him and Kakashi seized the opportunity to hop into the nearby trees.
“Hello.” Sasuke replied with a warm smile. Sakura gasped at the sight. “What?”
Sakura shook her head. “You're smiling…”
His smile became even more welcoming. “I'm happy to see you.”
Kakashi’s heart raced manically from where he sat watching. He'd hoped, prayed, that one of the many enemies Sasuke had to have made, would have done away with him in the last five years. That the most he'd ever have to do was console Sakura as she mourned his death, but then they could move on and be happy, as friends or otherwise. But he didn't prepare for this.
What if he finally wised up?
Kakashi was so certain that Sasuke would never come around to the idea of loving someone, that his fear turned to physical tears as he watched them smile happily at one another. He was strong but he wasn't that strong. He hated Sasuke so much and loved Sakura so much, that if it came to that he knew he'd have no choice but to break his promise. He considered, if that moment came, being honest about the reason. She deserved that much at least, and he'd have nothing to lose by that point.
“Kakashi, isn't it great that Sasuke’s h--.” But Sakura finally turned and realized Kakashi wasn't standing there.
“I'm sorry Sakura. Kakashi does not like me.” Sasuke murmured knowingly.
Good then. If you're aware of it, I don't have to pretend.
“That's not true.” She said softly.
He looked at her sadly. “I know it's late, but do you have a few minutes to talk? It's important.”
Sakura nodded, taking one last look around for Kakashi before she followed Sasuke off. Sounds and sights faded away beneath Kakashi’s broken heart. He set his head in his knees in defeat and began thinking about where he would go when he left.
***
As the moon rose high into the sky, Kakashi made his way lazily for Sakura’s clinic. He still felt a little peeved that she'd suddenly blown him off for lunch, but if she had that much work, he knew he'd probably have to physically remove her from her office to eat and sleep; nothing new. As he got near however, the front glass doors opened and Sasuke and Sakura broke the threshold. It'd been a few weeks since Sasuke came back, but the pure malice Kakashi felt every time he saw him, hadn't faded even a little. He despised the man.
Kakashi walked off the road and picked up the pace until he could hear the pair talking.
“Thanks for keeping my secret, Sasuke.” Sakura said sweetly.
Secret? Kakashi was seething. Is this why you canceled lunch with me!?
Sasuke held up his arm in a loop, inviting Sakura to link hers with his. “Yeah.”
She obliged and Kakashi’s anger and jealousy seeped through each pore of his skin. It took every ounce of restraint in his body not to confront them as they walked along chattering mindlessly.
Like this is normal. Like he hasn't been gone most of the time. Like he didn't try to kill you. Twice.
He stayed out of sight, using alleys and trees to hide behind as he followed them to her house. He barely noticed when Sasuke started glancing over his shoulder in Kakashi’s direction. He stopped following them as the gap between them grew wider.
“Sasuke, what is it?” Sakura asked.
I'm like a crazy stalker. The familiar burning in Kakashi’s chest came back. Not still in love with him, huh? I'm not an idiot. His jealousy completely changed his personality and temperament. He was aware of it but hardly cared; the regular gnawing at his heart was returning.
“Nothing, I thought I saw someone.” He just barely heard Sasuke reply as they made their way into the distance.
It won't be much longer now.
Kakashi walked back towards his own home sadly; reprimanding himself.
It's my own fault for falling in love to begin with. What it's wrong with me?
He was frustrated to cross paths with them again in the shopping district the next morning. They looked so domestic and happy shopping for groceries, that Kakashi couldn't hide the repugnance from his face as he watched. This time the scene was worsened by the multitudes of people pointing and smiling.
“Oh, it looks like she really did wait for him.” One woman said.
“They do look happy.” Another added.
“My son attended her clinic for a little while after my husband died, they're about the same age, and he confessed to her last week, but she told him she was in love with someone else.” A nearby elderly woman told her friend. Hearing the words didn't surprise Kakashi, he knew how Sakura truly felt.
Despite his anguish from the night before Kakashi found himself following them again. They shopped for food, flowers, and household items before finally heading to Sasuke’s house. Along the way, Kakashi heart broke every time they laughed or exchanged intimate secrets about their time apart. He counted six times that Sakura said some version of being happy Sasuke was home and four times Sasuke told Sakura he was happy to see her. After waiting patiently for about four hours for Sakura to come out, Kakashi accepted the hard truth. He knew the time had finally come and perhaps it was the fact that he'd overly prepared himself in the last few days, our that he just didn't have any emotions left; the realization didn't hit him too hard.
He needed to get home and begin packing and planning. So he removed himself from his hiding spot as the sun was setting, and began again, for home. He passed a nearby bar, well lit and lively in opposition to the frigid twilight and despite the fact that he very rarely did so, Kakashi made the decision to stop for a drink. It's not like it matters anymore anyway.
When he slid open the door, he was greeted by a chorus of voices. His friend and rival, Gai, was sitting there, with Yamato; a guy from the class before Sakura’s, Lee; and a fellow classmate, Ebisu. He approached them slowly, unable to hide his frustrations and took a seat.
“Why the long face Kakashi?” Gai hiccuped out. The table of people began laughing excessively. Kakashi found himself jealous of their drunkenness.
He accepted every drink that crossed him, allowing the bitter taste off the liquor to burn away his heartache. He'd be the first to admit that after a couple of hours he certainly felt better. Though he couldn't understand why the host was so angry with them. It's not like they weren't going to clean up the mess they'd made, or like he didn't have the money to cover it as a former Hokage.
That's right! I was Hokage, you can't talk to me like that!
With one last drink before he stood to confront the host, he finally started to slip from consciousness. He was just barely present when the rose Kunoichi arrived, angrily. The sight of her caused him to down two drinks, that definitely weren't his, instantly.
“Are you kidding me!?”
It was the last thing he heard.
***
Kakashi looked at Sakura standing in the doorway of his home, beautiful and distant. Even though he knew the answer to the question he asked anyway.
“Are you still in love with him?”
Sheepishly the girl looked down at the ground as a red color smeared her cheeks and the tip of her nose. Kakashi could feel his heart breaking as she did so; he truly didn't understand.
He suddenly felt very angry. He reached out and grabbed her wrist, yanked her inside, closed the door and slammed her against the wall of his hallway. He threw his hands against the wall on either side of her, locking her between his arms. He looked down into her watering green eyes as his own emotions clamored to the surface.
“Why!?”
She broke their gaze, looking down in shame. “No one knows why they love someone.” She whispered.
I do.
Kakashi laid his head on Sakura’s shoulder in defeat, sliding his hands down the wall to grasp hers.
“Kakashi…”
He listened to her voice; sweet and sad. He inhaled her scent; a subtle perfume mixed with her coconut shampoo and the smell of freshly printed paper.
I can't contain myself.
He glanced sideways once and pulled his mask from around the lower features of his face. He took a deep breath before placing his lips on Sakura’s. He dropped her other hand and grabbed either side of her head to pull her deeper into the kiss. Sakura wedged her hands in between herself and her former teacher and pushed gently.
Kakashi opened his eyes sadly as he released her from the kiss, but he was surprised to see the blush on her face. It wasn't embarrassment or fear, it was, excitement. She averted her eyes from his. Kakashi leaned into Sakura, placing his mouth just near her ear. He used his fingers to gently push her hair away. “Should I stop?”
An extremely intense silence made the few seconds feel like hours. Kakashi waited patiently for the answer; he would wait forever if he had to. Sakura finally whispered into the air.
“...no.”
Kakashi’s heart was pounding harder than it ever had during any of the numerous times he thought he was going to die; this beat those a thousand times over.
He turned Sakura’s face back to his and took in the full vision before closing on her mouth again.
In an instant she was straddling him on the nearby couch, both bare. Flood gates opened, there was no part of Sakura that Kakashi left untouched by his hands or his lips. Anticipation built as Sakura lifted her waist so Kakashi could align his hard length with her awaiting entrance.
Everything seemed to fade away as Sakura lowered herself, giving control back to Kakashi as he slowly pushed his way inside.
A loud buzz followed by several rough knocks.
Kakashi opened his eyes slowly, corneas burning in the morning light.
He looked around his dark room. He had no memory of the night before; he didn't even know how he got to bed or why his head was pounding.
The dream however…
He sat up and glanced down at his erect member.
The dream I remember.
His dreams had never gone that far before. He placed a single hand over his face and sighed deeply. “Damn it.”