Sacrifice
Sakura truly hoped that tonight had not been the night anything romantic was initiated between her best friends, because as she knocked on Sasuke’s door, she'd be ruining it if so.
Please don't let Naruto answer the door. Please don't let Naruto answer the door. Please don't let Naruto answer the door.
The door opened suddenly and Sakura let out a sigh of relief.
“Sakura? What's wrong?” Sasuke started.
Sakura had stopped crying technically but her eyes were still watery and red. “I'm so sorry to bother you; do you have a minute?”
The worried look on Sasuke’s face was oddly comforting. Sakura was incredibly grateful for him being there. “Of course; hang on.” He disappeared back into his home. “Naruto, I'll be right back.”
“Huh? What's wrong?”
“Something must have happened after Sakura left, she's really upset.” Sasuke replied honestly. “No, Naruto, stay here. If it's bad I'll come get you, I promise.”
Naruto’s lack of reply concerned Sakura. He's never without words. His jealousy is getting worse…
Sasuke reappeared in the doorway. He walked out and shut the door behind him and walked past Sakura. She followed him to a small garden a little bit away. He sat on a bench expecting Sakura to join him but she was too agitated to sit.
“I'm sorry I disrupted you and Naruto. I think he's getting jealous; I'll tell him everything.” Sakura started.
“No you can't.” Sasuke said simply. He'd opened his eye and was using his rinnegan, no doubt to make sure Naruto wasn't snooping. “You're right I think he is jealous…” Sasuke smirked. “...of me.”
Sakura’s heart broke again, for what felt like the fiftieth time that night. “...huh?”
“He thinks there's something going on between us and he's jealous of me. Isn't it true that Naruto had feelings for you when I was gone?”
“Y-yeah…” Sakura’s head was spinning.
Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. She thought about Kakashi leaving, and Naruto having feelings for her, and Sasuke’s heart being broken and it overwhelmed her. Her heart was beating so fast she felt like she couldn't catch it. Her breathing became short and sharp and her eyes began to water.
“Sakura calm down.” Sasuke warned, but it was too late. “Sakura!”
The stars in the sky were the last thing she saw as she slipped from consciousness.
A bright light carried her back to reality. She slowly opened her eyes. What happened? Where am I? She sat up and a cloth slipped off her forehead into her lap. She studied it briefly before turning her attention to the room. Lady Tsunade’s?
She stood up and nearly tripped over the person not far from where she was laying. She glanced down at the familiar head of blond hair; it’s owner snoring quietly. Sakura sighed. Is Sasuke right?
She opened the door and walked down the hallway to the common area. She could hear Tsunade and Sasuke’s voices. She crossed the threshold and they both turned to look at her. They were sitting facing each other across a table; both had cups of tea. She didn't need to ask any questions before Sasuke started relaying the information he knew she must have wanted.
“You had a panic attack and passed out. I figured Lady Tsunade would be the best one to help you physically and emotionally. There was no way for me to bring you without telling Naruto though. He thinks you have a cold. That's also what I told Ino when I informed her you wouldn't be at the clinic today.” He calmly took a sip of his tea as Tsunade stared at him in awe.
Tsunade turned to face Sakura again. “How are you feeling?”
A soft blush found its way to her cheeks. “I'm okay. Sorry for worrying everyone…”
“It's my fault, I should have been more sensitive about how I shared information. I think my own feelings made me behave childishly.” Sasuke admitted as Sakura sat next to Tsunade. His open way of speaking let Sakura know that Sasuke must have been honest about everything with Tsunade.
“What happened with Kakashi?” Tsunade asked simply.
The question reignited fear in Sakura and she stood up suddenly. She made her way for the front door. “I have to go.”
Tsunade stood up. “Wait Sak--”
“When things are settled please come back and fill us in.” Sasuke interjected. “We're worried about you.”
“I understand.” Sakura left Tsunade’s and couldn't help but break out into a sprint as she made her way for Kakashi’s house.
You promised…
She knocked frantically on the door when she reached it. She listened carefully for signs of life. Come on… She pressed the button to ring the doorbell she knew Kakashi hated so much and then knocked more. If he is in there, he thinks I'm crazy. She waited longer this time. One more set of knocks and I'm breaking in. She brought her hand to the door and knocked loudly. She pulled her hand back and made a first while she waited. After a couple of minutes, when she didn't hear anything, she started to pour chakra into her fist. She'd cocked her fist a slight bit more to force through it, when she finally heard it; a soft shuffling from the other side of the door. Relief hit her first as she lowered her fist but as she heard the door start to be unlocked, slowly and lazily as always, anger took relief’s place.
The door opened slowly giving way to Kakashi’s disheveled and exhausted appearance.
“Sakura?” Kakashi yawned. “What are you doing here?”
“You don't remember anything from last night do you!?” Sakura hissed. Seriously! I was so scared.
“Um… No.”
Sakura pushed her way past Kakashi into his house, despite his of protests, and made her way down the hallway into his kitchen. “Sit.” She growled at him.
The, clearly hungover, ninja sat at his table without protest, watching Sakura intently as she reached into his cabinets to pull out ingredients for a special tea.
“What did happen?” Kakashi asked, sensing Sakura’s severe anger. “Why are you so angry?”
Sakura slammed a glass down in front of Kakashi and then sat in a chair opposite him. “Here. It's disgusting but it'll help.” Again, Kakashi acted without argument and quickly began to drown the muddy liquid. “You went out with Gai-Sensei, Lee, Captain Yamato and Ebisu-Sensei and got really drunk. You trashed the bar and tried to fight the host.” A look of embarrassment crossed Kakashi’s face as he drank. “When you're done, I'm taking you back to apologize.”
Kakashi finished his drink and rubbed his face. “I'm sorry…” His voice was pitifully sad.
“You never drink. What would inspire you to go out with them and go so far?” Sakura questioned.
Kakashi didn't answer. Sakura could tell he knew the answer to the question but wasn't going to say. It brought the fear clamoring back to the surface. She stood up from the kitchen table and made her way back towards the front door. She stopped in the doorway to the hall.
“Kakashi, remember the promise you made me?” She asked, not turning to face him.
“Yeah.” His rough voice replied simply.
“You… You'd never break that promise right?” Kakashi didn't answer and it was enough to terrify Sakura to her core. “Kakashi?”
“No.” His voice was low and insincere.
Sakura could feel her emotions rising up again. She didn't want to start crying where Kakashi could see her.
“Get dressed. You have to go apologize to the host of the bar.” Without another word or glance, she left the house as tears spilled over. She made her way to a secluded tree outside, safe from the view of passersby.
She started to think about all of her time with Kakashi. Not just the time since she saw his whole face or the time since the thoughts of love crossed her mind, but every second they've been in one another's lives. She remembered the happy way she felt when she saw him for the first time after Naruto came back from training with Jiraiya, and how true it felt when he first told her she was the strongest kunoichi around. She recalled the pure relief she felt when she was sorted into Kakashi’s company in the war, and the distinct feeling of sadness she felt being separated from him, both during the war or any time after that.
It’s always harder to sleep when he goes out on missions or when there are days days that I don't see him. Sakura’s cries worsened. I don't think I can live without him.
It was hard when Sasuke left, and whenever Naruto went away for training; and when Tsunade was in a coma she was devastated but in each case Sakura was able to move past it. She would remind herself that there was a time for mourning and a time to be strong, but the idea of Kakashi leaving was disembodying. She couldn’t see anything past it; she didn’t think she could be strong.
Maybe I've been in love with him longer than I realized…
She was frustrated. She wiped her tears frivolously as some quickly came along to take their place.
“Sakura?” Her heart raced at the sound. Kakashi had made his way to her side without her noticing. She quickly wiped her tears away, though there was no hope Kakashi didn't see her crying. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.” Sakura turned quickly so her back was to the man and started towards the bar.
Though Kakashi didn’t make his regular attempts to keep pace with her, Sakura could feel him following slowly behind her. She resisted the urge to turn on her heel and confront him about what he’d said when he was drunk. He’s never said anything to me sober, so even if it was true, he’ll probably deny it.
When they reached the bar, Sakura knew she should probably announce their presence first. “Wait here.” She called over her shoulder, but even the idea of leaving him alone outside the bar shook her heart with fear.
She forced the feeling away and slid the door to the bar open. The debris from the previous night had been adequately cleaned and the space was ready for another night of patrons.
At the jingling sound of Sakura entering, the host appeared from some out of sight room. “Oh, Lady Sakura, welcome back; here to have a drink under better circumstances?”
“No, thank you. I’ve actually brought Kakashi to apologize. He’s sober now, and truly sorry.”
“That’s hardly necessary my lady, I should have had better restraint when serving the former Hokage.”
“Please, allow him to offer formal apologies, it’s the least he can do.” Sakura bowed kindly.
“Okay, okay.”
Sakura turned back around. Her heart pounded as she did so; she was truly worried Kakashi wouldn’t be standing there when she cleared the threshold.
She sighed a sigh of deep relief when she craned her head around and saw the lazy ninja leaning against the wall. “Okay.” She said meekly; it was all she could manage.
Sakura returned to the bar, facing the kind host, and in a few seconds Kakashi was next to her. He bowed obidently. “I’m truly sorry for the trouble I caused last night. Please, allow me to take care of any damages.”
“They were few.” The host replied. “It won’t be necessary, we had plenty of supplies to replace or repair everything at no cost. If you wish to repay me, spread the word to your friends.” He chuckled and Kakashi stood upright.
“I’ll do that and see to it that none of them get as rowdy as I did.” Kakashi smiled.
Kakashi’s smile was one of Sakura’s favorite sights in the world, even shrouded by the navy mask, but she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy it now. She could feel her emotions bubbling up again.
“Thank you former Hokage, and you as well Lady Sakura.” The host smiled.
I can’t leave him alone, even for a second. He can’t leave me, I won’t let him.
“Uh, Lady Sakura?”
If… If me being around Sasuke is that hard on him, then… then…
“Sakura?”
I don’t want to have to give up Sasuke, but losing Kakashi is worse.
Kakashi's gentle hand on her back snapped her back to reality. She blushed and the reaction didn’t miss Kakashi as his eyes widened.
“Lady Sakura, are you okay?” The bar host asked.
“Yes!” Sakura replied suddenly, voice cracking. “I’m sorry, I have to go. Thank you.” Sakura bowed quickly and bolted from the bar.
He definitely saw that; he definitely saw me blush…
Sakura ran a few feet but then the fear of Kakashi leaving took over and she stopped suddenly. I can’t leave him alone. The internal conflict was overwhelming. She wanted to flee from the embarrassing display, but didn’t want to give Kakashi any openings to run away. She backed up against a nearby wall, feeling another panic attack rising, and slid down it until her head was tucked safely between her knees. She took deep, even, breaths, trying to slow her heart. She suddenly felt soft hands touch each of her arms, she looked up reactively at the touch, and found herself just a few inches from Kakashi’s face, wrought with concern.
“Sakura, what’s wrong?” He asked softly.
Sakura wanted to break the hold, she knew that she should, but she found that she’d been immobilized by the closeness. She couldn’t move, speak, or breathe appropriately. All of her emotions fought for dominance in the moment. The internal racket brought tears to her eyes. She opened her mouth, barely knowing herself, what would come out.
“You…” She sucked in air hard trying to keep her composure. “You can’t leave.”
Kakashi closed his eyes. “...I have to.”
The words shattered Sakura. He didn’t deny it, he didn’t say he wouldn’t, he didn’t promise to stay. Sakura’s breathing became more shallow. “No!”
“Sakura...”
She stood suddenly, nearly knocking Kakashi over as he lost the integrity of his crouch. “You can’t!” She was screaming and nearby people were stopping to look.
Kakashi stood and intentionally avoided eye contact. “Just listen to me.”
“NO!”
“Sakura.”
Sakura started to bawl uncontrollably. Before she could control the reaction, she pulled her fist back and threw it forward. Kakashi grabbed her by her wrist in shock. “Sakura…” Defensively, she threw her other arm towards him, which he blocked expertly in a similar fashion. “Sakura, stop.”
With both her arms restrained all she could do was rest her head against Kakashi’s chest. The familiar smell of his body wash and the feeling of his breathing were too much for her to bear. She knew in that instant that he’d always been her comfort; it simply took her mind some time to catch up with her heart.
She sobbed against him. “You can’t leave. You promised.” The words were so low now they were nearly silent. “You promised me. Don’t leave me.” She barely recognized that they were moving as she cried. Kakashi had lifted her and was carrying her away from the prying eyes of others. “Please, don’t leave.”
Kakashi set Sakura down on her feet, but she caved against him and fell to her knees. She wasn’t embarrassed to be begging now; she was desperate.
Kakashi knelt in front of her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her close to him. “Please, let me explain.”
“No…” Sakura cried, leaning into the embrace. “You can’t leave. I don’t care about your explanation.”
“Sakura…”
“No.”
“Sakura, please.”
“No!” Sakura rested her head against Kakashi’s shoulder. “If… If it’s Sasuke…” She felt Kakashi rigidify beneath her. “If it’s Sasuke, I’ll stay away from him, if you’ll stay.” Saying the words out loud were like stabs to the heart. She recalled her conversation with Sasuke where he weighed the restoration of his clan against Naruto on a set of scales. She hoped it would help Sasuke understand why Kakashi won out against him. “Please, just give me a few minutes to explain it to him, and I’ll never speak to him again.”