Chapter 1
The first time Gaara is able to confront the dark presence in his body and mind he's three.
He isn't sure how he goes from standing in the sand pit behind the Kazekage mansion with Yashamaru smiling at him to standing in the empty, vast desert of sand with the sky (too red and ominous to possibly be real) painting everything crimson. He turns, scanning the landscape, confusion and fear bubbling through him. Where is he? Where's Yashamaru? How did he get here? Why did the sky look like that?
Gaara decides he doesn't like it here, and is about two seconds from bursting into tears like he finds himself desperately wanting to do.
Then there he is.
He's huge and stares down at him with glaring yellow eyes and teeth bared, rage rolling off him in waves.
Shukaku.
Gaara trembles. He's huge, bigger than anything he's ever seen. The little boy looks up, eyes wide and chest tightening as the thing takes lumbering step toward him, like it's taking a closer look.
"And what are you supposed to be?" the beast asks, and even it's voice is unhinged and terrifying. Gaara takes a step back.
They told him that something was inside him. Something dangerous. But he never fully understood, even when his Father tried to explain it in the simplest terms he could manage.
"You're the..."
"You're the human runt." Shukaku sneers, peering down at him, "When you fall asleep, I'll take over your body and soul, and slaughter all you humans! Better not doze."
"You hate humans?" Gaara asks, startled.
"Yes! I despise them!" the beast screeches, suddenly loud. Gaara covers his ears and stumbles further back, fear spiking.
When he can speak he says, "But, you're here to protect my village, aren't you?"
"I've never protected you all because I wanted to!" Shukaku snaps, voice thundering, "You humans are less than us beasts!"
Gaara sniffles, lowering his hands and looking up at the beast.
"Now get out, or I'll eat you." Shukaku sneers, and he lunges at Gaara, who screams and stumbles back before breaking out into a run, terror making tiny legs carry him as far and fast as he could. The sand dissolves around his feet.
He hears the beast laughing behind him.
He comes to in his uncle's arms, screaming in a panic.
~~~~~
It's a change.
Maybe he was looking for a reason all along. Maybe he just needed the push. Either way, he thinks maybe that would explain how quickly the switch is flipped after having been defeated for the first time ever. And bloodied. Beaten.
That was so completely new, the feeling of blood running down his arm and a sharp sting of...something ripping through him.
And pain. Physical pain was so new and terrifying. It was sharp and hot, almost like something molten and thick oozing through his nerves. Gaara quickly learned that pain spreads either agonizingly slowly or lightning fast, setting his body alight. Like fire.
He'd never experienced it before.
And oddly enough he didn't feel angry about it necessarily, he was more...shocked and emotionally wounded than anything. He lays there, unable to move and completely drained, watching in what he recognizes as fear, frustration and horror as that boy tries to crawl over to Gaara with his remaining strength.
Gaara realizes he's scared. Not for the first time in his life, but for the first time in a long time. He's terrified. He doesn't want to hear what this boy has to say because Gaara knows that his entire being is about to be ripped from him. He knows the feeling. Too well.
He's scared. Not for his well being--at least not physically--but his stomach has bottomed out and he feels the sickness of anxiety and the looming, ominous feeling that he's about to be hurt in some massively profound and damaging way.
Nothing like that happens.
That boy--Naruto--simply tells him what he needs to hear. The threat is still there, this boy is still an enemy and a ninja from a foreign land that he's infiltrated, but there's something else he can't pinpoint at that moment, broken and bleeding on the forest floor.
Gaara stirs irritably as he's suddenly pulled off the ground and held close by his brother, who's picked him up and taken off with Temari at their side. They're both obviously exhausted, and yet Gaara can't help but note that they came to retrieve him anyway. That they came back for him.
Blood slowly and stickily trickles from his head before he quietly groans, "Temari, Kankuro. I'm sorry."
It's not like he's never said the words 'I'm sorry' before, he's just never quite meant it as much he does then. He is sorry. He really is.
Somehow, in some strange way, that boy pulled Gaara-shaking and screaming bloody murder-out of his selfish rage and sadness.
No, not pain. The pain is still there. Always is.
Something is different, though. Gaara feels like he has something loose rattling around inside him. It's like something has come unhinged, but he'll never be sure what it is until he opens it up and picks around to see for himself.
Either way, something is different.
The wake-up call Naruto Uzumaki has gives him still isn't lost on him though, even if he doesn't fully understand it.
~~~~
When Temari and Kankuro find that they can't make it all the way back to Suna by themselves (or in the condition they all happen to be in after retreiving Gaara), they're forced to return and admit themselves into the Leaf's main hospital.
Kankuro is released the first day, and he immediately ditches the hospital bed to find Baki and figure out what they'll do next. No one seems to know of their role in the recent attack, and the hospital is busy with the injured and the news of the latest attack on the village, allowing them to slip through almost unnoticed if not for the nurses treating them.
He hears Temari through the thin walls of her hospital room next to his, asking how Gaara is doing. She sounds like he's never heard her, her voice thin and worried.
Something about that is the final nail in the coffin.
Uzumaki was right. Gaara was wrong.
A few hours later Gaara is staring at the ceiling of his hospital room when he learns that the Leaf's Hokage has died in battle with Orochimaru, a defector and enemy of the Leaf.
Their Hokage is dead.
And even stranger is the newfound, sudden guilt Gaara finds himself sitting in. At least Shukaku is blessedly silent.
~~~
He learns his father is also dead later that day.
Suna no longer has a Kazekage and Gaara is an orphan. They all are.
They had one living parent, and now they don't. They're well and truly alone now, and Gaara finds himself...not feeling any different than he did when he had a father. Judging by Temari's expression when she tells him, she doesn't either.
Kankuro just simply shrugs and grumbles about getting something to eat before he leaves the hospital altogether. His shoulders are hunched and he's tense, but he doesn't say anything.
Life goes on.
~~~~
They're scheduled to leave the day after next. Gaara finds himself somewhat comforted by that. He hates it here, at least at the moment. He never wants to see this place again.
This place has shaken all he's known down to the foundations, and maybe Gaara is--deep down--a coward, but he can't stand to be here anymore.
~~~~
They don't talk about their father.
Granted, they never did before, but they definitely don't now that he's dead. There isn't much to say. To Temari and Kankuro he was distant and absent. Even when he was there he wasn't somehow, and they'd long since gotten used to it. He faded from their lives long before he died.
As for Gaara, he feels the smallest bead of relief somewhere deep inside him.
Now maybe the assassins will stop.
~~~~
He lags a bit behind Temari and Kankuro, lost in his own thoughts as he's about to cross the threshold of Konoha's only entrance and exit.
"Hey!"
Gaara freezes and tenses, hands gripping the sash tethering him to his gourd so hard his knuckles go white. He knows that voice. He knows exactly whose it is. The same voice that's been rattling around in his head for the past few days, repeating words that Gaara can't seem to let go of.
He just isn't too sure what to do about it. Gaara is exhausted, and he doesn't want to fight anymore. At least not right now. He wants to go back to his desert, his sand, and more importantly he wants to be alone.
He's never wanted to be alone more than he does right now. Usually being alone is his worst nightmare (or something dark and cold that he's resigned himself to forever), but right now he feels strange and finds himself longing for some solitude to try and figure out what is happening to him.
Gaara doesn't turn around, instead choosing to keep walking. The chances that someone is calling him anyway are slim to none, so he should be on his way. It'll be dark soon, and they'd like to make it back to Suna within the usual three days.
"Hey! Stop!" the voice shouts, "Don't leave yet!"
Gaara ignores it. He surpresses the need to walk faster.
He's calling someone else.
He's calling someone else.
Gaara steps outside the gate. Then a hand grabs his arm and Gaara startles somewhat violently, almost jumping a foot in the air in alarm. The blond sounded a lot farther away only a second ago.
He feels more than sees his sand bristle and rise in his gourd, ready to pop the cork on it's container and release his shields.
"I was calling you!" Naruto says, blocking Gaara's path with arms outstretched. Gaara catches his breath and takes a step away from the boy (and he's still wearing that bright orange jumpsuit that somehow manages to make everything even brighter, and Gaara finds himself squinting to level the amount of light attacking his eyes), eyeing him warily.
Gaara doesn't say anything, and Naruto pants with the effort he clearly explelled to run over to the other boy as quickly as he did.
"You're leaving?" Naruto asks, and Gaara nods after a moment, not knowing what to make of this sudden interaction. Last time they met they fought. And for Gaara, who's never lost since coming to the Leaf, he's maybe a bit...wary, of the orange-clad boy in front of him. Are they meant to fight again?
Gaara doesnt want to.
"So uh," the other boy sighs, eyes narrowing at Gaara as he tries to look off to the side, shifting where he stands, "Do you, uh, know when you'll be coming back, maybe?"
Gaara blinks at him. He doesn't know what he's feeling, really. It's not anger. Not depair. But it's not quite good either.
"No." Gaara says.
"Oh."
Gaara fidgets, out of his depth. He decides that he just doesn't know what to do, so he moves to step around the other boy.
"I should go." Gaara mumbles, stepping past the threshold of the village's main gate once again.
"Wait!" Naruto urges. Gaara stops, turning to face him.
Naruto scratches the back of his neck and gives him a small smile. His eyes close as he does so, and Gaara is reminded of a fox mid-blink.
"When you come back...we should get to know each other!"
"What?"
"We should be friends!"
Gaara is silent, just giving the other boy a questioning look.
"Because we're kinda similiar so I...I thought--" Naruto starts, then stops, "Anyway, everyone could use more friends, right?"
Friends?
Gaara doesn't know what to say. The blond smiles at him and tells him to have a safe trip, then he's gone, leaving Gaara standing knee-deep in his own confusion and surprise.
He attacked Naruto. He attacked Naruto's friends. He helped attack Naruto's village. So why would he--?
"Gaara?" Temari calls.
Gaara finally moves from where he stands rooted in the spot, walking out the village entrance.
~~~
When Gaara gets back to Suna he makes a decision.
He decides to stop talking to Shukaku. It's not like the beast particularly likes Gaara anyway, and Gaara finds his own attachment to the creature (the only thing that could never, ever leave him alone, seeing as he was sealed within him) wavering in the aftermath of the most recent incident. Shukaku is psychotic and out of control, going from quiet, seething anger and explosive bursts of bloodthirsty hatred in mere seconds if he felt like it, which made Gaara a terror at best and an utter destructive, murderous monster at worst.
Gaara finds he doesn't want to destroy anything anymore.
He figures if he cuts direct contact as soon as he can the demon's influence on him will lessen enough that he can control his emotions a bit better, and it seems to be working so far.
On the way back to Suna the demon took the oppurtunity to make his opinons about the current events known to Gaara, and raged against him for losing to Naruto, hurling painful insults and digging it's claws into every deep rooted insecurity and emotional wound Gaara carried. And though Gaara wouldn't admit it, he'd actually ended up crying a bit when he was alone, hurt by the demon's words. His unhealthy relationship with the bloodthristy creature meant that Gaara still wanted to please Shukaku, even though he knew that was also wrong. Of course, that obvious show of weakness had Shukaku screaming at him again, which of course helped very little, if at all.
Wasn't the first time Shukaku made him cry, and he's sure it won't be the last.
Gaara needs a clear mind to unlearn some of his more...harmful habits. He can't do that with Shukaku's screaming echoing in his brain. He can't pick himself apart and refashion himself into a new being with Shukaku trying to persuade him into staying the same p. Gaara also finds himself a bit indignant. He makes his own decisions, and he decides that he wants to be in control of who he is. It struck him like lightning, and maybe he'll be able to flesh out the details later, and decide what exactly he wants to do, how he wants to change and how to go about it, but he knows that his anger and rage have simmered into something less explosive and homicidal and is now just replaced with...weariness and sadness that settles almost bone deep. Along with exhaustion.
Gaara's tired. Of everything. Of constantly fighting a tug-of-war with the world. Of being on the other side of humanity all by himself, always alone.
He wants to join his family and his village so badly--the world, really--and it's like suddenly he remembers that. The reminder makes his heart ache.
How does he get from where he is to where he so longs to be? Is it even possible for him?
Gaara is definitely tired.
Maybe he has been for a while, and all it took was Uzumaki defeating him for him to concede. Gaara's been noting the slump of his own shoulders for a while now. Maybe this isn't a surprise so much as something that was coming in one form or another.
He hasn't had that hopeless feeling in a while, when he was a child and always wondering what he could have possibly done to deserve the constant and relentless rejection from his peers, family and his village.
So he blocks the tailed beast out as much as he can, though his control is shaky at best.
Shukaku will not use him any longer, and Gaara refuses to be complicit in anymore unecessary bloodshed. He doesn't see the appeal anymore.
Shukaku can't be allowed to run wild, and Gaara can't do this any longer.
~~~~
The next few weeks leave both Kankuro and Temari grasping at straws to figure out what the hell happened to their little brother.
It's both slow and far too fast, the change in their youngest sibling.
Gaara runs into Temari on the way to the bathroom, and instead of just glaring at her or ignoring her like he usually would, he looks at the floor and gives a small, "Good morning."
Temari stands there, blinking at him in complete and utter shock for about a full minute,--which doesn't make Gaara feel so secure, she's sure--but it's just...
He's standing there not even looking like himself. Where he looked cold yet indifferent before--no emotion seeping through the stone expression on his face--now he's standing there looking at the floor and frowning deeper with every passing, silent second. He looks a bit small, actually.
Hesitant, like he has no idea if he's doing it right.
And that's enough for Temari to reach for her arm, pinch herself, confirm it's not a dream and then give her little brother a hesitant, "Good morning. You okay?"
Gaara doesn't look at her, but he nods and slowly walks past her with a quiet, "Bye."
She watches him go, and takes in the awkward set in his shoulders.
"See you later." she calls to him, confused out of her mind but feeling oddly good about their interaction. Usually they go days without talking and Temari never really thought about how bothered by it she was. if Gaara didn't want to talk then he didn't. And she'd been too wary of him to seek him out and greet him every day.
She doesn't see him for the rest of the day, but when she and Kankuro walk through the door of their shared apartment she pulls him aside and asks if he's seen Gaara today.
Kankuro nods, eyes wide, "I meant to ask you about that. Did he talk to you?"
"He told me good morning."
"He said 'good afternoon' to me." Kankuro tells her, "Is he sick or something?"
"He's not acting like himself." Temari whispers, "First he's apologizing to us and now this?"
"I wonder if he's okay." Kankuro says, brows furrowing, "That's not like him."
"He's been different since his fight with that kid from the Leaf."
"I'm going to kill that kid."
Temari waves him off before she grows quite for a moment, thinking.
"Is it a bad thing though?" Temari wonders aloud, "I think...I don't know, this could mean something."
"I guess."
Kankuro doesn't sound convinced.
They'll just have to keep an eye on him, they decide.
~~~~
That only serves to confuse them more.
Three days later Kankuro gathers his resolve and seeks out his younger brother. Usually he wouldn't, but he's past fear and has hit curiosity. And that means he's pretty damn curious. He grabs two of his favorite pastries and sets off.
Gaara is in the sand pits behind their home where they used to play as children, standing with his back to Kankuro, making whirls and shapes with his sand. He looks like he isn't fully thinking about what he's doing. He's staring at the sky like some sort of divine answer is written in it.
"Hey." Kankuro says, hoping he doesn't sound as hesitant as he feels.
Gaara looks from the sky and turns slightly, looking at his brother.
The look in his eyes is...different. Kankuro isn't sure what it is exactly, but it's there, and Kankuro tries to decipher it without making Gaara too uncomfortable, or looking like he's staring as hard as he is.
"Hello."
"You okay?"
"Yes."
Usually at this point Gaara would have gone silent again or bailed, but he's still here and he doesn't even look annoyed at the fact that Kankuro is bothering him.
"What are you up to?"
"Thinking."
Kankuro nods, looking at his brother before looking around. Other than training he doesn't even come back here anymore. Is this where Gaara usually goes?
"Wanna, uh, talk about it?" Kankuro offers, somewhat shakily. He feels like an idiot for even asking. He fully expects a glare, an insult, maybe even for Gaara to lose it.
None of that happens.
Gaara simply says, "No, thank you."
Kankuro doesn't know what to say. Usually his conversations with Gaara are few, far between and about missions, so a casual one is out of both of their depths.
"You eat yet?" Kankuro asks.
Gaara blinks at him and shakes his head.
"Here." he says, offering his little brother one of the bean filled pastries, "You should eat something."
Gaara looks at him for a long moment, but Kankuro refuses to waver (partially because Gaara doesn't look annoyed or spited in any way--just curious--and partially because he's done letting brats push him around, especially after meeting that Naruto kid) and eventually Gaara takes a step towards him and takes the pastry with an even and measured, "Thank you."
Gaara looks pleased (though it's quite buried under his usual apathetic expression) about Kankuro's offering though, and that's enough to settle his stomach a bit and calm the tension in his shoulders.
Yeah, something is different about Gaara.
~~~~
Sometimes though, Gaara finds himself in that red, barren wasteland where Shukaku resides whether he makes a conscious effort to be there or not. He supposes that if Shukaku tries hard enough he can simply pull Gaara's consciousness where he wants it.
Gaara hates that.
"What?" he asks, glaring up at the beast. The red sky of the desert doesn't scare him anymore, and neither does the fact that sometimes the sky and earth switch places in his mind and he ends up speaking to the beast while walking on what he perceives as nothing. For a long time this place was the only place that felt like home. Gaara remembers retreating here whenever the outside world became too much to deal with. When the village and his family were too full of spite and hatred and he needed to run somewhere--
Now he can hardly bear to stand still in this place.
"You little bastard." Shukaku spits, "You trying to shut me out, huh?"
He can understand the beast's anger. He can't give into it though. Not anymore. It's like a closed door that someone keeps banging on (hard enough that any second the door itself could simply give, but he tries not to dwell on it), but he can't open it. He can't let Shukaku in.
"I don't need your bloodlust anymore." Gaara tells him, "I don't need your--"
"You little rat!" the beast screeches, "You've always needed me. You still do. You think you can do anything alone?"
"I don't know, but I am going to try." Gaara tells him.
"You'll fail, like you fail everything."
"Maybe." Gaara says, before he turns and walks away.
~~~~
Gaara has the thought--a few weeks after the Konoha incident--that Temari and Kankuro have been waiting for him.
Waiting for him to open his eyes. To wake up. To join their family. To break out the haze of his own selfishness and bloody, lonely pain to meet them halfway. Finally.
So when he starts trying, they run to meet him. Even further than halfway, because Gaara struggles and if he's honest with himself, he couldn't meet them even that far. Not in his current state. He's had to grapple with feeling so incredibly weak these days, but he doesn't turn around and go back. He forces himself to head forward. To try.
This is too new and Gaara is too awkward and green at this whole communicating and caring thing. But his older siblings seem to understand without a word. He sees their initial confusion, but after that passes they just...surround him and refuse to budge, even as he stumbles over his words and struggles to think and breathe through Shukaku's constant enraged muttering.
They see when he finally starts trying again--after his fight with Naruto Uzumaki--and they jump at the opportunity to connect with him.
He finds Baki arranging for him to move out of the sectioned off space he shared with Yashamaru and into a space in the main portion of the Kazekage mansion with his siblings. Now they'll not only share a bathroom, but a kitchen and living area. He doesn't think too much of it (it's not like he'll be there much, what with missions and his own wandering habits and inability to sleep) until he learns that Temari and Kankuro asked for them all to be together.
(Gaara had just figured that the elders wanted him moved so they could better keep an eye on him, or something of the sort, and he finds himself surprised that that's not the case.)
He sits in silence with the knowledge that his siblings want to live with him for hours. Gaara hasn't lived with anyone in years. He doesn't even fully remember what it's like.
Which means so much more when Gaara remembers how terrified they are of him. They're still scared senseless of him and Shukaku, but they still talk to him. Still greet him warmly (if slightly hesitantly) when he quietly gives them a polite (if strained) 'good morning'. They still invite him to train and eat with them. They still want to be his family.
They still try.
He doesn't say much even to them, but they talk anyway, keeping up a steady flow of conversation. When he's been quiet for too long during meals they ask him a question (and he knows they planned this, seeing as they take turns trying to keep him engaged) and try to get him to participate. And even more interesting is the fact that Gaara shows up for dinner at all, and he tries to talk
Sometimes he even manages to commicate somewhat well, and that's enough for him to keep trying.
Kankuro snorts at something Temari says and nudges Gaara, rolling his eyes while Temari grumbles at him. They sit close to him, and they laugh and joke around in his presence. In a few short weeks it's a far cry from how it used to be. How they all used to be.
Gaara can't help feeling that that's more kindness than he ever, ever deserves.