Chapter 2
Three shuriken try to lodge themselves in Gaara's back as Kankuro nervously talks his ear off about puppet mods on their way back to the Kazekage mansion. Gaara listens to his brother, asking questions and clinging to the human interaction while he has it.
This is so new, being able to talk to Kankuro and roll his eyes as his brother makes those terrible jokes Gaara has learned he's so fond of. It's almost like a skin that doesn't fit. At least not yet. But he's trying, and he thinks it's worth it, at least.
He's holding a conversation free of hostility with his brother and he feels quite good about that. He even allows himself to be a bit proud of the progress he's made. Not much, but a little.
It's hard when he sees how happy his siblings seem to be at this change in him, no matter how slight. In his eyes he has a lot more to work on.
Naruto was kind and cared so much, and for the first time Gaara finds that he...wants to be like that.
So of course he has to be attacked, shattering the moment with Kankuro. The ANBU member that throws the weapons darts out of the way of his sand, and before Gaara can blink it has the man restrained. Then everything goes silent other than the sound of muffled struggling. The boy can taste the air go stale.
Gaara grits his teeth and tries his damndest to block Shukaku's angered grumbling for blood from where it echoes in his brain, where the demon curls up and resides. Blocking him out is a lot like trying to ignore a limb completely covered in flames, but he manages, even if his resolve is shaky from the sudden stress of the situation.
That familiar sick feeling settles in his stomach.
Still being hunted. And rightfully so, even. It happens like this every single time, every reminder, every glare from a villager and every little thing whsipered behind his back.
When he's attacked he wins, sure, but he always feels so sick afterward.
Sometimes Gaara wonders exactly how he was ever made to be confrontational weapon of war when someone so much as leaping to attack him has Gaara with his heart in his throat ever since he was six. He kills his would-be assassins, but he still feels that stomach-deep sickness and anxiety lodged in his middle every single time, even though he's justified in protecting his own life. Gaara has always been looking over his shoulder, and he fears he may never get to stop. Never get to rest.
Knowing that somewhere, his own father ordered an attempt on his life never made him feel anything less than insignificant and afraid. Every time is a reminder what he is--not like he could ever forget. Like anyone would let him.
Feared. Hated. A failed experiment.
How could he ever forget?
When he enjoyed killing the assassins was even worse, though.
And even now he's learning that it's humiliating, to be suddenly attacked. He's never been targeted in front of another person before, and for some reason that matters to him.
It's oddly and horrendously isolating, having anyone in the area know that he's being marked for death, even if it's just Kankuro.
Gaara can't help feeling mortified, especially with how raw and new he's been feeling lately. Like his skin has been peeled off and he needs to be careful with himself until a new one grows in. Everything hurts and cuts so much deeper when he doesn't have the luxury of bloodlust to resort to. Before, when he was emotionally hurt, he'd lash out, take a life and feel all the more validated for it. Granted, he never felt good after that, he rarely ever felt good at all, but it helped in some macabre way. Now he just feels the bubblings of white-hot guilt in his throat when he so much as thinks about it.
But that's off the table now. No more. He won't entertain his own darkness any longer. He's hurting himself. He knows that now.
And his plan is working. His siblings are growing comfortable around him, so maybe if he's able to keep this up he can get the village to (eventually) not hate him so completely as well.
It seems like an impossible goal. Completely unable to be acheived, no matter how hard he tries.
Though the point still currently stands: he was trying to be normal for once and now Kankuro has two puppets out, shoving Gaara behind him.
If Kankuro attacks him then the Black Ops shinobi could engage in combat as well, and Gaara is reasonably sure that Kankuro can't beat an ANBU. Not at his current skill level.
He knows he doesn't want Kankuro hurt. Not even slightly, and certainly not for him.
Letting himself care is such an...interesting feeling. It puts the fire in his chest that killing used to. Being able to let himself feel for another person, even as feebly as he can in his current, emotionally decripet state.
He wonders if Naruto feels this too. If this was what he was talking about. Wanting to protect precious people.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" Kankuro snaps, lunging at the assassin.
And Gaara panics--throwing up a wall of sand in his brother's way to stop him, to save him-- because if this shinobi kills his brother it will have been his fault and Kankuro will be gone and who will tease Gaara and try to get a smile out of him, who would call him 'squirt' and laugh when Gaara makes a face at the nickname?
He can't lose his big brother. He needs him. Both him and Temari. He needs his siblings.
And even more than that, Kankuro doesn't deserve to die because of Gaara, of all things.
The youngest boy snaps at his older brother, the tinny taste of fear working up his throat.
"Father has been sending people to kill me since I was six. I know how to deal with this. So let me handle it--"
"What!?"
Kankuro is frozen, sights on Gaara and eyes darkening with every passing second. He watches his older brother's face twist into something that looks like hate.
Gaara thought he knew what hate looked like on Kankuro's face, and Gaara thought that Kankuro had already given Gaara that hate filled look for years. He thought he knew what it looked like.
But he was wrong. He's never received a look like that from Kankuro. The same eyes that glare daggers and wish murder on the shinobi who attacked Gaara have never looked at Gaara like that.
No. That's not the look Kankuro would give him. This is...this is real. A real hatred that he's just now seeing.
It hits him that Kankuro probably never hated him.
Gaara could probably stand to get a little better at parsing out people's emotions. He makes note of it.
"What did you say?" Kankuro asks through gritted teeth.
Gaara ignores him and turns to the assassin. But even he can't avoid the question that easily. He should honestly just leave the man here and just try to get away. He doubts he'll try to kill Gaara again, judging by the fear clearly painted on his face.
"Never do this again." Gaara tells him, and the stranger nods, frantic and afraid of death. For all he knows Gaara could crush him right now, though the child won't.
But of course he doesn't know that.
"What the hell Gaara? You're not just going to let him get away--" Kankuro starts, and suddenly Gaara feels as tired as he is. He's still embarrassed and upset and just wants to go back to his room.
"Kankuro. Can we just go?"
"Gaara--"
"Please?" Gaara asks, "I don't... don't want to kill him."
Kankuro's face morphs into something like understanding, though Gaara can see the anger behind his brother's eyes. Gaara sees Kankuro's internal struggle, the tug-of-war happening in his head.
Gaara starts walking. He can't stand there and look at that shinobi.
His stomach churns, and he feels so drained that he barely talks or answers any of Kankuro's frantic, infuriated questions on the way back.
~~~~~
They don't talk about it. Probably because he runs off as soon as they get back to their house. He can't find it in himself to feel guilty about ignoring Kankuro because he's too focused on trying to keep the lid on his anger and frustration while fighting back both Shukaku's voice and his own impending tantrum.
Needless to say, Gaara is feeling quite a lot, and he really wishes he wasn't.
Gaara clicks the lock on his bedroom door when footsteps linger outside out of it, before he sits on the floor and watches the shadows under it, waiting for Kankuro to leave.
He doesn't. Gaara sits there for almost twenty minutes.
Why won't Kankuro leave?
"Gaara?"
Silence.
"Listen, Temari and me...we didn't know about dad."
More silence.
Gaara has no idea why that information was relevant, but he says nothing. He doesn't know what to say, really.
"'M sorry." Kankuro says, "We didn't know."
Gaara shifts positions on the floor, easing blood back into his legs. His gourd falls on its side with a dull 'thud'.
"I saw the look on your face, you know." Kankuro tells him, "Don't get upset, but you looked sad. Temari and I know you're trying, and you're doing a really good job, I just don't want this to make you feel--I don't know."
He hears a thud and an exhale, and the shadow under the door gets darker. It takes Gaara a moment to realize that Kankuro has sat down and pressed his back to the door.
Gaara shuffles a bit closer. He'd wanted to be alone, or so he thought, but he guesses he was wrong. He finds himself wanting Kankuro close, just not...too close. He couldn't handle that right now.
Gaara has no idea what he needs or wants and how to articulate it.
"Ha, hope you're actually in there, or I'm just talking to myself."
"I'm here." Gaara assures him, moving closer to the door.
He doesn't move to unlock it, but he gets closer.
"Oh, good." Kankuro sounds pleased.
"I don't want to unlock the door, though." Gaara says. He's not sure why, but he figures it's best to let Kankuro know.
Maybe after another attack Gaara feels the need to lock himself away, because alone is safe and alone means no one can hurt him.
It's an old ideal he used to uphold, and it doesn't quite work anymore, but he guesses he's allowed some relapses into his old ways, especially if he's not hurting anyone.
"That's okay." Kankuro shrugs, "Just wanna talk."
"About what?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"You sure?"
"...I don't...know."
"That's fair."
"Did you and Temari really not know?" Gaara asks.
Kankuro sighs, "No, we didn't. If we would've--we would've done something about it."
Gaara doesn't know what to say to that.
They're silent for so long that Gaara starts to wonder if maybe Kankuro fell asleep. When his older brother speaks he says something that surprises him.
"Hey, tell me your story."
Gaara looks at his bedroom door like it'll swing open without his interferance and reveal Kankuro's expression. Or what he means. He moves to mirror Kankuro, his back to the door.
His story?
"What do you mean?" Gaara asks, blinking in the darkness of his bedroom.
"I want to understand you." Kankuro tells him, and they sit on opposite sides of the door, backs to each other through the wood, "Baki is always saying that if we don't know something we should ask, and that what unites the village is our stories. So, tell me your story."
Gaara finds himself very happy that it's dark. It's always easier to say things in the dark. Kankuro knows his life, why does he need a recap told by Gaara himself? The whole request confuses the younger boy, until he remembers that before this Kankuro knew nothing about him as a person, and this is an attempt to get to know his little brother.
"Why?"
"Because I want to know what's going on inside your head. I just...wanna know you better, I guess."
Ah, he was right.
Gaara is silent for a long time, a bit surprised and not knowing what to say. Or where to start. He tells Kankuro so.
"How about the beginning?" Kankuro says.
Gaara takes a breath and tries to rationalize why the hell Kankuro is so kind to him even after everything. He wonders that a lot. About Temari, too.
A sizeable part of Gaara wants both of them to hate him. To scream at him, to tell him he's a failure and a murderer and that he's not anything more than a tool. A part of him wants them to hate him.
He often (these days, at least) finds himself embroiled in a strange yet brutal fantasy of someone throwing insults at him while beating him bloody. He wants that. It's what he deserves. He was obsessed with the concept of physical pain when he was little, as he'd never been injured before. Now his fixation is even worse.
Gaara digs his fingers into his forearm and presses down, feeling the bite of nails nipping skin. It's not enough, but it'll have to do for now. His sand rushes to wrap around his arm, barring him from digging his fingernails any deeper into his own flesh.
This is far as he can get, apparently.
And he starts. He wary of telling anyone anything about himself, but...
Then he remembers Naruto. How he made people accept him. How he left himself transparent and left people to accept or reject what they see.
But he knows he's not as strong as that boy. How could he be? Naruto told Gaara himself. He told Gaara he had no strength to his face, and if everything else Naruto said was right, wouldn't logic dictate that he was correct about this as well?
But again, if he doesn't try...
He talks about Yashamaru, their mother, the demon, how the village rejected him time and time again.
Kankuro is quiet, and Gaara finds that now that he's started talking he hasn't--can't, really-stop himself.
A lot of it are half-thoughts and backtracking, but when he's finished Gaara finally opens the door to Kankuro grinning at him like a lunatic.
He feels like something significant has happened as his brother hugs him, but he can't quite pinpoint it.
~~~
The next weeks are uneventful, and Gaara simply tries to ease his way into communicating with his siblings. Gaara hasn't really bothered to speak with anyone else other than Temari and Kankuro, and he knows he's going to have to at some point, but he finds himself stalling.
Temari and Kankuro are safe. They don't laugh at him or glare at him or throw rocks (like the villagers have been known to do) and they don't look down on him or secretly despise him (despite what his traitorous brain tries to convince him). Gaara isn't ready to try interacting with anyone else yet.
They're being barred from missions for a while, saving face while the death of the Kazekage sweeps through Suna, leaving villagers shocked and reeling.
It wouldn't look good for the elders if they were sending the fourth Kazekage's children on missions after having just been made orphans. More for show than their genuine care for them, but Kankuro shrugs and says they should make use of the vacation while they have it. Temari agrees.
Gaara finds himself with too much free time. He doesn't want to wander about the village, and he doesn't have anywhere to be, so he stays in his room--staring out the window--or in the sand pits, amusing himself as the hours tick by. Gaara notices that Temari and Kankuro rarely leave the mansion much either, and it takes Temari seeking him out for him to realize that they're not keeping surviellance on him per se, but that they're hanging around so he isn't alone. When he asks them about it Kankuro just grins and gives him a snarky 'Well, it's big house and we don't wanna lose you in it' and Temari merely snorts at them both and tells them to move so she can get to the fridge.
So Gaara watches and listens to his siblings bicker while they (attempt) to make dinner every night. They even have Gaara help most nights. He feels included, and that makes him feel a flicker of something he hasn't felt for a long time, if ever.
It's still worse at night.
At least he used to have Shukaku for company (back when they were speaking), now it's just him. Even if they didn't speak, he and beast still felt each other's presence and (Gaara, at least) were comforted by it, no matter how briefly.
Nights have always been lonely, and that doesn't change. But after night the morning comes and with it comes his siblings bickering and more stilted conversation he's slowly getting used to.
It's nice. He likes it.
~~~
Temari is asked to teach at the Leaf's academy (which Gaara takes to mean that the Leaf and the Sand have settled their conflicts), and as soon as Gaara steps through the gates of Konaha with his siblings he hears someone scream.
Loudly.
And not just that, it's his name being shouted at the top of that familiar voice's lungs.
He tenses, annoyed by the loud sound before the frustration (both his own and Shukaku's) fades away and comprehension takes it's place. Kankuro's brows furrow, and Gaara blinks at his brother as he steps in front of Gaara, looking around for who could be calling his little brother's name.
Naruto speeds up to them like a bullet.
"I'm gonna go bother Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto grins, like it's the best idea ever, "You should come, we can prank him!"
Gaara just blinks at the blond. Naruto is practically bouncing on his feet, smile brighter than the sun. Gaara wonders how he does that, he just seems to...radiate light and energy.
Temari makes a snap decision. She nudges Gaara, "Go on."
He looks at her in surprise. Kankuro narrows his eyes suspiciously at the blond kid staring at his little brother with a mile-wide grin on his face.
He steps closer to Temari and mutters, "Is that really a good idea? We don't know this kid, what if he's up to something? The last time they saw each other Gaara ended up beaten to hell. We can't let him hurt Gaa--"
"He won't. I know he won't." Temari assure him, "Trust me."
Kankuro gives her a worried look. Temari looks at her little brother, who is looking at Naruto in curiosity. Her chest warms a bit. She knows her youngest brother is shy, and she knows him well enough to plainly see how Gaara tries to control his own reaction to Naruto's invitation--hands clenched at his side, shoulders stiff, frown deepened and eyes widened in surprise--which means she also knows the truth--
Gaara wants to go. He wants to spend time with the only friend he's ever made.
This means too much to him for her to even consider dragging him away from the blond (who looks at her little brother like he's the most exciting thing ever, which is...god--her heart could burst a bit from that alone, that someone finally connected with Gaara and wants to spend time with him and sees the good in him).
She nudges Gaara again, "Go on. Have fun. You know where we'll be."
Gaara turns and just stares at her, confused and more than a bit surprised. He doesn't know what to do, or how to even begin to think of a response to this. This has never happened before. For one of the few times in her life so far she can see...Gaara is lost.
And that's long enough for Naruto grab his hand and give his older siblings a wide smile and a quick, "Okay, thanks! Bye!"
Temari blinks and they're almost down the road, Naruto pulling Gaara along and the red-haired boy letting him.
"If he does something to Gaara or gets him in trouble I'll kill him." Kankuro says flippantly, staring after them, "Just saying."
~~~~
Temari leans back and stretches. She makes a mental note to be a little nicer to her teachers. Teaching is hard. They'd made it to their inn with no incident, and they only had to deal with one or two little brats who refused to listen, but the day still drained her.
But all in all, not too bad. Tomorrow morning Temari is giving a lecture on her use of wind style.
Kankuro is completely stretched out on the floor, limbs splayed everywhere as he snores lightly.
Temari looks at her brother, rolls her eyes and sits up straighter, wondering when their youngest sibling will be back.
She hears footsteps and a kind, "They're in here, dear." outside their hotel door. She recognizes it as the older woman at the reception desk downstairs.
Another voice from outside the door offers her a simple and even, "Thank you."
Gaara.
The door opens and there he is, looking no worse for wear, Temari thanks her lucky stars. If something happened to him she'd never hear the end of it from Kankuro. He loves being right.
"Hey, you're back."
Gaara nods.
"How was it?"
"I had ramen." Gaara tells her. It's such an odd detail to mention but she smiles, figuring her kid brother is just a little weird. She's suspected for a while. A lot of his behavior is due to trauma, sure, but some things just tell her that Gaara would have been a bit strange (offbeat, even) even if all the nonsense hadn't been thrown at him since the day he was born.
"And how did you like it?"
"It was nice."
"Good to hear."
"Anything happen?" Kankuro asks, suddenly conscious and looking intensely at his little brother.
"I didn't let Shukaku out, I promise." Gaara says, turning to him.
Kankuro waves him off, "No, no that's not what I meant. I mean...was everything else okay?"
Gaara just looks at him, faint curiosity in his expression.
"He wants to know if anyone messed with you, or said something mean so he can beat them up."
"Oh." Gaara says, "No. We went on a date." Gaara says simply.
"What?" Kankuro snaps, sitting up from his relaxed, sprawled position on the floor, eyes sharp.
"We went on a--"
"A date?" Temari asks.
"That's what Naruto called it." Gaara says.
"I'm gonna kill that kid." Kankuro barks, moving to stand. Temari yanks him back to the ground and turns to her startled looking little brother after fixing Kankuro with a glare.
The boy settles down. He knows that look. It says 'I'm the oldest and I'll take care of this so shut up'. He knows it all too well.
Gaara looks between them both before he simply says, "Please don't kill him."
"He's not going to kill Naruto. Kankuro is just being an idiot, don't listen to him." Temari assures him.
Gaara blinks at them both and nods, before bidding them goodnight and disappearing into the conjoining bedroom, closing the door.
She guesses that's the end of that conversation then. Her brother always did get socially exhausted easily.
Kankuro glowers for a moment while Temari stares at the door that Gaara has disappeared behind.
"First off, if he's playing with Gaara I'll kill him. Second," he lowers his voice, "What if he's just messing with him? What if he's joking or something and--"
"I...I don't think he would do that." Temari says thoughtfully, "I don't know Kankuro, didn't you see how he looks at Gaara? I don't think he's messing with him. I think he genuinely likes him."
Kankuro gives her a withered look.
"Is it that hard to believe?" she asks, a bit offended on Gaara's behalf, "I think Gaara is-"
"That's not what I meant. How could you even think I meant--" Kankuro sighs, "Listen, this is all really, really new for him, and I don't think he even knows what a date really is, and if he gets hurt it could set him back and--"
"We have to trust him enough to let him have his own social interactions. As much as we feel the need to protect him we can't scare off everybody who takes an interest in him. Eventually, I mean--if he keeps trying to heal and forge bonds then...there are going to be things like this. People who might even want to date him for real."
"We just got him back." Kankuro grumbles, "We just got him back from that thing--"
Temari realizes he means Shukaku.
"--and no one is going to wreck that progress." he finishes bitterly.
"I know. Kankuro, of course. You know we'd never let anyone hurt Gaara." Temari tells him, "But he's growing up, and we have to trust him a little bit."
"But he doesn't...know about this stuff, Temari." Kankuro protests, "How is he supposed to know if someone is making fun or him or using him or--"
"He's a lot better at this than you give him credit for."
"Well, he's a deeply emotionally and mentally scarred 12 year-old so excuse me if I'm not exactly eager to throw him into every shaky friendship some random strikes up with him--"
"You know that's not what's happening." Temari sighs.
A few moments of tense silence later Kankuro blurts out, "...Someone tried to kill Gaara when he was with me the other day."
"What?" she sits up straighter, alarmed. Kankuro nods at her.
"When we were coming back from training. We were talking and...Temari, he was actually talking to me. I got to have a normal conversation with my baby brother, finally. Then some shinobi attacked him. You should have seen the look on his face."
"Why didn't you tell me this?!" Temari asks.
"Gaara asked me not to. The kid was mortified, Temari. He looked like he wanted to sink into the floor. I've never seen him look like that."
They're silent for a long moment. Temari makes a note to scream at some elders when they get back to Suna. She's going to tear down the fucking walls--
"I'm only telling you now to try and get you to believe that he's different. Really, really different. He didn't want to kill the assassin, and he told me to leave him be. He doesn't want to lose control anymore. It's like he feels things now, and they get to him, and we can't let anything scare or hurt him to the point he feels like he made the wrong decision when he decided to start trying. He's starting to trust us, we have to make sure he doesn't end up regretting it, or his whole life is...well, it's ruined. Again."
Temari nods in the dark, looking down at her hands.
"Do you think he'll be okay?"
"We'll make sure he is."
~~~~
The next afternoon they have to leave and Gaara tries not to let his disappointment show. That morning Naruto grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged Gaara to get breakfast, chattering about something that Temari and Kankuro couldn't catch. They wonder who can keep up with Naruto's insessant chattering. It's like the child never stops for breath. Kankuro feels tired in sympathy for his little brother.
When it's time to go Naruto makes Gaara promise to come back soon. He makes Gaara promise twice.
The blond boy looks so hopeful and serious about it that Kankuro decides that maybe he won't fight the kid.
Just maybe.
~~~~
“Hey,” Temari says softly, a hand on his shoulder, comforting, “We'll come back soon, I promise.”
Her hand is steadying him, and he nods, taking a silent breath. This is new, him allowing his siblings to comfort him, and he wonders why he was so against it before.
No, he remembers why. Bonds equalled hurt, maybe not of the physical sort, since most couldn't even get close enough to graze him, but left emotional scars that have not healed to this day. Probably never will he figured, seeing as he struggled with Shukaku, his insanity and his trauma every second of every day, trying to become something...better, all while not being to trust his own mind. He knows he's awkward, he doesn't need anyone to tell him so. He's just...hasn't cared about what anyone thought of him for such a long time that some long dead part of his brain is only just recently flickering to life in these last few weeks.
It feels strange, to care, and Gaara still isn't sure whether he likes it or not.
He accepts Temari's comfort, and it doesn't hurt.
~~~~
A few mornings later Temari finds him in the sand pits again. He's leaning over the railing, looking down at the lazy designs he creates. He's not thinking about anything in particular, though he might be the slightest bit bored. He idly wonders what Naruto is doing.
Training, probably.
"I didn't see you at breakfast." Temari says, walking up him. She leans over the railing too, looking at the side of his face. Carefully blank as always. She's learning how to read him more and more though, and she's proud of that. She's one of the only people who can.
Gaara shrugs, eyes on the sand he's making swirl in intricate shapes below.
“You're upset.” Temari observes. After a moment she says, “Naruto seems like a good friend. Hyperactive and exhausting but...he's good for you, I think. I'll make sure you see him soon, okay?”
“You don't have to do that.” he says.
Temari blinks at him, “What?”
“Try to make me feel better.”
“Well yeah, I do actually. I'm your big sister.” Temari tells him completely seriously, “Plus, we will be able to go see your friend soon, and don't worry I'll talk to Baki about it--”
“Why bother?” Gaara asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Why bother comforting me? Or arranging a trip to the Hidden Leaf, just for me?”
She leans a little closer, nudging him gently, affection clear in her tone when she asks, “What brought this on?”
Gaara is silent for so long that she wonders if he's going to answer her at all, but she knows him well enough now that she lets him think. She watches her little brother choose his words carefully, silence stretching on.
“I still don't understand.” Gaara says, “I was...not very kind to you, before. Why do you even care? I'm not--”
“I failed you.”
She doesn't mean to say it, but the guilt that weighs on her has her talking before she can think. Or get embarrassed about being emotional.
Gaara doesn't look at her, but he tenses.
“I should have been there for you more. As the oldest, I should have protected you. Been your friend. Been there for you to rely on.” she looks out towards the desert, “I should have been the person who looked at you and saw you, not Shukaku. And you were so scared all the time, I saw it. You were scared of Shukaku and the village and father. And I...I didn't protect you.” she sounds a bit bitter when she adds, “It ended up having to be some kid from another village entirely to truly see you, and who you are and who you can be.”
She looks at him, a frown on her face.
“I let you down.” Temari says, voice wavering the slightest bit, “I'm...I'm so sorry, Gaara.”
They're both quiet for a long moment, but Temari doesn't take any of it back. Gaara realizes he's kind of expecting her to. The fact that someone feels bad for him of all things is...foreign to him. And he knows what she's saying, he even understands it in a logical sense, but he doesn't know how to respond. What do normal people say in a situation like this?
He's been wondering what normal people do for a while now. He has been trying to change, but sometimes he has no clue where to start. What to do. Other than his siblings' guidance, he's lost. Allowing himself to feel things has left him confused and somewhat raw.
And now his sister is apologizing to him, for things he isn't even sure are her fault.
Gaara knows he's not a good person. He never was. Probably never will be. Even when he was small he'd done things that made people fear him. And sure, he couldn't control it but he still did it. That's the point. He still did it. Still hurt people.
The guilt is suffocating. Everyone hates him, and for good reason.
What does Temari have to apologize for?
He's a monster. Something to be despised and feared. That's the mark he's left on people. On this earth. And sure he can try to change it, but will it make a difference? How?
Shukaku stirs and starts screaming in his head as soon as he starts panicking. It's shrill and the migraine sets in immediately as his mind starts to think itself in dizzying circles.
What does he do? What does he say? Why does she think she has to apologize to him of all people? Doesn't she know what he's done? Everything he's done?
He doesn't deserve apologies. He deserves...he deserves--
“Gaara!”
His sister's voice is so far off suddenly, and his vision blurs, darkens and then it's all black. A familiar, gentle but cruel, voice rings out in his head.
‘You were never loved, Gaara.’