For the fourth time since the start of this battle, Toka, bewildered, witnessed an Uchiha running face first into a tree. It was starting to be absolutely ridiculous. Her own opponent was not paying attention to her, too busy looking at Tobirama trying to gut a flailing Izuna, who was doing his best not to look at her baby cousin in the eye. Which was... strange to say the least, because it was usually the other way around.
- Hum hum ! she exclaimed.
Hikaku turned to her, eyes glazed and... wait a minute, was he drooling ?
- Could we please go back to trying to kill each other, please ? she asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.
- Oh, yes... sorry... I was...
He smiled sheepishly and Toka rolled her eyes. A second later, she tried to skewer him with her naginata. He dodged and sent a glance toward where Tobirama just threw his hands in the air swearing because Izuna just slipped on his own feet.
- Oh come on ! Toka screeched.
Hikaku tensed and looked at her sheepishly.
- Pay attention to me Uchiha !
- Sorry, sorry... hum... you are the White Dem... Tobirama Senju's cousin, right ?
- Yes ?
- Do you know if he's single ?
Toka gaped.
- Okay what the fuck ?!
Before Hikaku could answer, Madara landed heavily on his ass next to them, punted across the battlefield by Hashirama because he has been distracted by something. Probably by Tobirama, like every other Uchiha since that joke of a battle started.
What the fuck was happening ?
**************************
Madara had called for retreat, because they were making fools of themselves in front of the Senju.
He had seen. Gods, he had seen. Tobirama had plush lips, just the right shade of pink. And in a moment of weakness, he had imagined those perfect lips wrapped around his cock. A second later, he was yeeted across the battlefield by Hashirama, who apparently thought he was gonna dodge. It hurt - his ego more than anything else.
So he called for retreat, because Izuna was litterally unable to look at his rival in the face, Hikaku was being screamed at by the demon woman of the Senju because he was not paying attention to her. And between the moment he landed and the moment he stood up, he had witnessed at least seven of his clanmates take something to the face because they were busy staring at the curve of Tobirama's thights - and gods they were gorgeous. Madara was just a man. You couldn't dangle such a beauty in front of his eyes and expect him not to stare.
So they went back to their compound, with no casualties except their pride, and their heads filled with pictures of wine red eyes and perfect muscles shifting under snow white skin.
It was starting to be ridiculous.
Madara had to do something.
**************************
- You want to court the Senju ? Elder Taka said, sending a blasé look to Madara and Izuna.
- Yes, Madara said firmly.
- ... Okay...
- It would be a good th... Wait you're okay with it ?!
- Boy, despite my age, I am not blind. That Senju lad is hot as fuck and both of you are obviously smitten with him.
- ...
- ...
- Elder Taka, Izuna said, you kidnapped the painting again, don't you ?
- You can't blame me ! Gods, I wish I was thirty years younger so I could roll in the sheets with that beauty... Erm...
- Elder Taka, this is the third time this week and we are only Tuesday. Give it back.
- No.
*************************
Somehow, Toka was the one who intecepted the first package. Seven days after the squirmish which had been dubbed the "Joke Battle", Toka and her patrol came in contact with three Uchiha warriors who seemed to be waiting on their side of the border. Still angry after being ignored by Hikaku during the battle, she rushed to meet them, drawing her naginata. Thier eyes widened in recognition and they stiffened. But before she could say anything, one of them threw a big sealed package to her.
- This is for Tobirama Senju, from Madara and Izuna-sama ! he cried.
And just like that, they ran and disappeared in the forest. Toka stood there, baffled, the package in her hands. She took a look at it. It was big and heavy, and sealed so only Tobirama could open it.
Toka felt the start of a headache coming.
**************************
- They said it was for me ? Tobirama asked, eying the package like it was about to blow up.
- Yes, Toka answered, they said it was from Madara and Izuna.
Tobirama squinted.
- Okay, he said, I am gonna open it.
Hashira and Mito were standing near him, ready to get him out of harm's way. Tobirama put his hand on the package and slowly infused his chakra in the seal. It glowed and disappeared, and the package opened. A bundle of snow white furs spilled on the table, sinfully soft. Tobirama gaped and his eyes widened.
- This is... Hashirama started.
- Snow leopard fur, Mito continued, I've never seen it before. They are incredibly rare.
Toka ran her hands through the fur, smiling like an idiot.
- Oh my god, this is so soft !
Mito held her hand.
- Okay, that might be a stupid question. But why did Madara and Izuna offer such an expensive gift to Tobi ?
**************************
One week later, the same scene repeated. Takuma and his team ran into a group of Uchiha, who shoved a package into his hands, before running away, screaming this was from Madara and Izuna for Tobirama.
This time it was a long roll of the finest silk Tobirama had ever seen.Blood red.
Another week later came anther package. A little chest of sculpted mahogany, filled with black pearls.
Tobirama was loosing his mind over this.
- Toka, he wailed one evening after drinking too much sake, sprawled on her lap while she petted his hair, I don't understand what they are trying to do... Do they want me to defect the Senju ? The Elders are giving me the stink eye again... I am scared Toka.
She rocked him to sleep that night, and promised herself she was gonna find one of the Uchiha brothers and bash his face into a tree till he tell her what the fuck was going on.
**************************
- Cousins, Hikaku said, tired, I know you really want the man... but that gift might be a little bit over the top...
Madara and Izuna totally ignored him, chattering with enthousiasm. Hikaku banged his head on the table, groaning. Next to him, Elder Taka chuckled, sipping his tea.
*************************
When the next gift came in, the Senju Elders were screeching and pulling at their own hair. Tobirama looked like he wanted to disappear.
It was a chest made of shiny black wood, with a lock of gold. And it was filled to the brim with silver jewelry. There was so much of it Toka didn't know where to look.
Next to her, drapped in a purple kimono, Mito tutted.
- This is funny, she said, this looks a lot like courting gifts.
Toka gritted her teeth so hard she was heard through the whole compound.
Today she was gonna gut an Uchiha.
************************
Izuna's eyes were fixated on the naginata's blade aimed at his throat.
- Hum... hello...
- I am gonna ask only one time, the demon woman of the Senju snarled, what do you try to do to my cousin ?!
- What. Why ? He doesn't like our gifts ?
- Your gifts ?! The entire clan is at his throat because they think he is gonna defect to the Uchiha !
- What ?! No !
- Then what ?!
- I... Madara and I... we...
He took a deep breath.
- We want to cherish him and care for him and shower him with love and affection !
Toka gaped and lowered her naginata.
- Uchiha, are you drunk ?
- No, I am not drunk. Okay, listen, you probably won't believe me, because me and Tobirama have been trying to kill each other for years but... I really really want to get to know him and care for him. I know my brother and I can love him and provide for him. Give us a chance, please ?
Toka squinted, sizing him. She was kinda gifted when it came to sniffing liars. And he wasn't lying. He really wanted to get to know Tobi, to court him. It wasn't a cruel scheme. The warrioress remember all too well the nights where she had to hold Tobi while he cried silently because the other children had been downright cruel. Her poor baby cousin always thought nobody would ever love him.
And now that stupid Uchiha said he wanted to...
- Okay, she said, listen Uchiha.
She stabbed her finger to his torso.
- Tobi's favourite color is midnight blue. But he likes red too. He likes fresh fish, but especially loves tuna. He also likes drinking expensive sake. He loves books and burying himself in research. Cats hold a special place in his heart. His dream is to be a teacher.
Izuna's eyes were wide and he was smiling like an idiot.
- Don't blow this up, Uchiha.
- I won't ! Thank you !
- One more thing. If you or your brother break his heart, I alm gonna shove your head so far up your ass you are gonna digest your own brain.
*******************************
At the start of the next battle between the Uchiha and the Senju, the atmosphere was strange. Before Hashirama could do his usual number and start proposing peace, Madara cut him.
- Hashirama Senju ! I, Madara Uchiha, Clan Head of the Uchiha, propose peace and an alliance between our clans !
Hashirama - and the rest of the Senju - stood there gaping. Except Toka, who sent a speculative gaze the Uchiha way. But Madara was not finished.
- Tobirama Senju ! Please accept that peace proposal as a courting gift from my brother and myself !
The silence lasted a few seconds before Toka cheered and pumped the air.
- Wait what ? Tobirama said, completely lost.
- Wait what ? Hashirama growled with asurprising amount of deadly intent.