Chapter 4
Caitlin returned home later that day feeling refreshed after spending most of the day chatting and soaking in the sun. She opened the door to find that Katie wasn’t home and let out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding. The conversation with Steph and Mackenzie about her feelings had lifted her spirits and whilst she wasn’t sure how to proceed, she felt lighter.
She moved around the house pottering about when her phone rang and she flipped it over to see Katie calling. Quickly answering with frown on her face she went to question why she was calling, but another click indicated a third person was joining the call and soon Jordans face appeared beaming.
“Hey guys, sorry for the cold call but felt it was easier to do it this way than text.” Katie said quickly, cutting off any pleasantries. Her tone worried Caitlin and she wasn’t too sure where this was leading.
“Whats up buttercup” Jordan said happily as she looked stopped moving around so that she could focus on what Katie was saying
“I just wanted to give you the heads up that I’ve actually found a new place and wanted to say thank you for being letting me stay here. I know when I appeared at the front door a few months back, I didn’t really ask, but I appreciate you letting me stay without kicking me out” Katie said quickly, ignoring the look from Caitlin. She’d been actively looking for a new place ever since her breakup with Ruesha and she’d spent most of the day house hunting after the fall out with Caitlin.
“Oh boooo I didn’t know you were looking for a new place” Jordan said pouting “But I’m happy for you, when do you get the keys?”
“Well I’ve already got them so I’ve been gradually moving in stuff. It’s just now officially done so thought id let you know. I’m actually heading to Ireland tomorrow before your matches so I wont be around” Katie admitted and the conversation continued, mostly between Katie and Jordan, but with Caitlin listening.
Caitlin didn’t say much as she was secretly gutted that Katie was moving out but understood it deep down. She’d miss having the Irish woman around, they’d grown close over the last few months and her absence wouldn’t go unnoticed, but she wouldn’t miss the awkwardness that had encompassed the last 24 hours.
“Thanks for your support guys. Cait I have a few last items to collect so I’ll pop round in a bit” Katie said quickly, before they ended the call. Caitlin nodded in recognition and sent her farewells.
It didn’t take long for Katie to appear at the front door, knocking this time rather than entering using her key.
“Hey” Caitlin said simply “You know you’ve got a key?”
“Yeah but feels weird you know?” Katie shrugged truthfully. Whilst she technically lived there, moving out made it feel like she should knock
“Do you need a hand?” Caitlin asked awkwardly
“Are you annoyed I’m moving?” Katie asked, ignoring the question.
“No no” Caitlin said softly, not taking her eyes off the TV. Katie sat down frustration which caused Caitlin to look at her in surprise. Katie turned her body so now she was sat crossed legged facing Caitlin.
“Why is this so awkward?” Katie probed, trying to understand. Caitlin went to deny her it but was cut off by Katie saying “Don’t deny it”
“You made it awkward Katie” Caitlin said truthfully. Focus now on Katie whose eyes were searching the Aussie’s face.
“I didn’t know what to say” Katie whispered
“So you shut me down? Said you regret sleeping with me?” Caitlin asked raising her eyebrow. Pausing the TV as she knew this conversation was going to continue. The silence stretched between them like a tightrope neither of them wanted to cross, despite having crossed that line last night. Neither of them were sure where to start.
“Caitlin…” Katie’s voice cracked before she could finish. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Im sorry”
Caitlin’s gaze shifted across the room, her fingers playing with the hem of her shorts. “I don’t know if that’s enough Katie. It’s not something I planned. I think we both got caught up in the moment, and now it’s just… awkward. You basically threw me away like I wasn’t your friend, do you realise I’ve wanted last night for months? And to wake up this morning to have you ignore me hurt more than you’ll know. I don’t know if that can happen again, I can’t take getting hurt by you”
Katie felt a knot twist in her stomach. She had been expecting this but hearing it out loud still stung. “So, you’re saying it was a mistake?”
Caitlin flinched at the words, her lips pressing into a thin line. “I’m not saying that. I don’t think it was a mistake, but it’s complicated. We’ve been friends for so long, and then… we crossed a line. And now I don’t know what we are anymore. You couldn’t even look at me, you acted like I disgusted you. I thought this was the start of something different.”
Katie nodded, her hands gripping balling into fists, forcing her to stop fidgeting. “I get that. But I just thought... I thought maybe... I don’t know”
Caitlin turned to her then, her eyes soft but guarded. “And that’s the problem, isn’t it? II cant cope with you not knowing. I cant have someone making me feel useless or disgusting. And I don’t want to hurt you, Katie, but you’ve hurt me and I don’t do games.”
Caitlin’s voice trembled, and for the first time since they’d started this conversation, her defences seemed to crack. “I’m scared, okay? I’m scared that what we did is going to ruin everything we have. I don’t know if I can handle that. And I don’t want to risk losing you, not like that. I’m scared that you’re grossed out by me and that you hate me”
Katie’s chest tightened. She could feel the weight of Caitlin’s words, the fear she carried. But she also felt a deep ache in her own chest, a longing for something more than the uncertainty that stretched between them. “I could never hate you Caitlin. I’m falling for you”
Caitlin gasped at the admission, her gaze flickering to the dashboard, then back to Katie. “You shouldn’t say that if you don’t mean it... I cant get hurt by you, you mean too much.”
Katie’s heart ached, but she nodded. “I understand. I do mean what I said Cait, but I don’t want to drag you along whilst I figure myself out”
For a long moment, they both sat there in silence, the air thick with unspoken words. Caitlin shifted in her seat, and Katie noticed her hands trembling slightly. It was small, but it was enough to make Katie’s heart ache.
“Maybe... maybe we don’t need to figure everything out right now,” Katie said quietly. “Maybe we just need to take a step back. See where we are, without pressure. But I don’t want to lose you, Caitlin. Not like this.”
Caitlin’s eyes softened, and she reached over, her hand tentative at first but then steady as she placed it over Katie’s. “I don’t want to lose you, either. I care about you, Katie. So much.”
Katie squeezed her hand, the contact grounding her, reminding her that they weren’t lost—not yet. “Then let’s just... be honest with each other. No more pretending. We’ll figure it out. Together.”
Caitlin nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. Katie smiled sadly.
“Look I need to grab my stuff and head out, I’m sorry for hurting you. We aren’t finished this conversation either” Katie said standing up. “But I’ll see you soon yeah?” she asked, pulling Caitlin to stand with her. She pulled her into a hug and pressed her lips against Caitlin’s in a desperate attempt to portray her feelings. “I’m sorry Cait. Please forgive me” she whispered as she turned to walk away.
Caitlin wasn’t prepared to cry today and walked to her room before a sob left her throat.