Chapter 5
Katie had always loved Dublin, its rainy afternoons and the way the cobblestone streets seemed to hum with the energy of a thousand untold stories. But today, as she stood in the airport waiting for her bag to turn around on the carrousel, everything felt heavier. The weight of nostalgia, mixed with something she couldn't quite place—an uneasiness, maybe, or anticipation.
She loved coming home and she loved visiting her family, sure. But she couldn't shake the thought of Caitlin. Of them. Her confession yesterday weighing on her mind. They hadn’t spoken, no words had been uttered since the kiss goodbye, but Katie kept replaying the sob from Caitlin in her mind. She knew Caitlin wouldn’t have wanted her to hear, and Katie’s heart ached every time she remembered the noise.
Katie sighed, running her hand through her hair, before pulling her bag off the luggage belt and walking to the exit, where she was met by her older sister, Amanda. She hugged her tightly, but couldn’t hide her sadness which was picked up on straight away. Amanda didn’t quiz Katie, but every now and then squeezed her thigh as they sat in the car, on the way back home.
Katie stepped inside her childhood home, and was embraced by familiar smells and comforts.
Her mind still occupied with Caitlin, meaning she was notably absent in conversations. Her mother, as always, was bustling around in the kitchen, and her father was reading the newspaper in the living room. Katie’s three younger siblings, who still lived at home, were nowhere to be seen.
“Hi, love,” her mother said, pulling her into a hug. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Mam,” Katie said, trying to smile, but the weight in her chest was hard to shake.
After a quick catch-up with her family, Katie retreated to her old bedroom, the one that still had posters on the wall from her teenage years, and sat by the window, staring out at the familiar view of Dublin’s skyline. She decided to pick up her phone and break the silence between her and Caitlin.
"Hey, just wanted to let you know i got to my parents safely." She said in a message to Caitlin
Katie’s heart skipped in anticipation. She stared at the message, her thumb hovering over the screen, waiting to see if the typing bubble popped up, but it didn’t. No reply came.
Katie found herself thinking about all the little things she hadn’t said when she had confessed her feelings. How Caitlin had looked at her after, searching for a reaction. How Katie had been unable to give her the reassurance she wanted. How she had failed to reassure her that she wasn’t grossed out and wasn’t going to lose her.
Was Caitlin regretting it? Was she second-guessing everything now that there was distance between them? Caitlin hadn’t responded when Katie had said they needed to assess where they were without pressure, she hadn’t responded about figuring it out and ignored Katie asking for forgiveness. Did Caitlin want any of that?
Katie had always prided herself on being good at reading people and being good with her feelings, but when it came to Caitlin, everything felt like a blur. Every glance, every word seemed to carry so much weight. She remembered how Caitlin’s eyes had softened when they’d spoken those words.
Katie set the phone down on the nightstand and rubbed her temples, trying to clear her thoughts. She wanted to be able to talk to Caitlin about it, but the distance between them—both physical and emotional—felt like an insurmountable wall.
And Katie was here, in Dublin, trying to make sense of everything she was feeling—feeling torn between the pull of her past and the uncertainty of what could come next with Caitlin.
The door creaked open, and Amanda popped her head in, holding a steaming cup of tea that Katie recognised as the one her mother had made her during their catch up, that had remained untouched before Katie came upstairs.
“You’ve barely touched your tea,” Amanda said with a raised eyebrow, handing her the cup. “What’s going on?”
Katie smiled weakly, taking the cup from her. “Just… overthinking things.”
Amanda sat down beside her. “About?” she said simply. “You don’t usually overthink, so what’s changed?”
Katie hesitated for a moment, her fingers tracing the rim of her cup. The truth felt too complicated to explain, but then, what did she have to lose?
“There’s this girl,” she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.
Amanda’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh?” she said, leaning in slightly. “And what’s the problem, then?”
Katie took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I’m not sure. We’ve been skirting around acting like more than friends and then we crossed the line the other night. I think she likes me, but I don’t know if I feel the same… or maybe I do, but I’m scared. I don’t want to mess things up.”
Amanda looked at her for a long moment, the kind of look that felt like she was seeing straight into Katie’s heart. Then, finally, she spoke. “Love isn’t about certainty. It’s not about having all the answers right away. You’ve always been so good at putting pieces together, but sometimes you just have to let yourself feel it and not have it all in place before you start. Let yourself be vulnerable.”
Katie felt her chest tighten, as though a weight had lifted but was still holding her down in some way.
“I’m just scared,” Katie admitted. “She’s my best friend”
“Of course you are,” Amanda said gently. “But you won’t know anything unless you take a chance. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to not know where it’s going. But you owe it to yourself to figure it out. And if she is your best friend, then surely figuring it out together is better than apart?”
Katie nodded, feeling a little lighter. Maybe she didn’t have all the answers. Maybe she didn’t need to. But if she was going to figure this out with Caitlin, she couldn’t keep avoiding the truth of what she felt. She had to trust herself—and trust Caitlin. She leant into Amanda and sighed, she needed to get out of her head, and Dublin was the best way to do that.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Katie only spent 5 days in Dublin and in those 5 days she had managed to get out of her own head and allowed herself to feel. Her mood was lifted and this was massively helped by being surrounded by her large family who didn’t let a moment go by in silence.
The days had passed in a blur of family dinners, walks along the Liffey, and lazy afternoons with her siblings, who had all insisted on battling with her in a game of football and eating at Nando’s every chance they had, making the most of Katie’s black card. Everything was as it should’ve been, and yet, all Katie could think about was Caitlin. Or rather, the space between them.
Neither had spoken since Katie had messaged to say she had reached her parents house safely. It had been almost a week since the feelings were admitted. The night in Caitlin’s house felt like a life time ago and Katie wondered if it was always going to stay in the past.
Now, Katie was heading back to London, the familiar unease settling in her chest as the flight descended into Heathrow. She had told herself that whilst she was in Dublin, she would try to call Caitlin, that she’d find a way to bridge the gap. But it had never happened. The longer they went without talking, the harder it became to reach out. What would she even say? Would Caitlin even want to talk? Had it already faded into something insignificant?
As soon as she landed, the chaos of the city seemed to envelop her. It felt like she had barely left. The crowded streets, the distant hum of conversations in cafés, the rush of taxis zipping past—it was all the same. But inside, she felt... disconnected. She dropped her bag at her new house, the house that she’d spent 1 night in before escaping to a different country. She checked her phone and saw a new messages in the Arsenal group chat. It was from Kim. She tried not to let the disappointment show, but the weight of it sat heavy on her chest.
The Euros opening match kicked off in a few hours and the team had arranged to meet at London Colony before getting a coach to take them to Wembley. Katie wished she could bail, but knew she owed it to Jordan to turn up. Kim’s message was a reminder that the coach would be arriving at Colony in an hour and not to be late.
After quickly freshening up in the bathroom, she rummaged around in the boxes that still remained unpacked in her bedroom and pulled out a white jersey that Jordan had gifted her the week prior. It was an England Jersey with Jordans name and number printed on the back. She threw the jersey on and paired it with light blue jeans and a jacket. Quickly checking the time and realising that she only had 5 minutes to meet the coach, she headed out the front door, getting in her car and making the short journey to the training ground, where it turned out, that she was the last to arrive.
“Finally! You’re here!” Steph shouted and then chuckled. Pointing at her watch in a joking manner.
“I’m on time!” Katie said confused checking her watch.
“No you’re late, and being the late one means that you have to get the first round of drinks” Kim said appearing at the door to the coach and ushering her and Steph inside.
Katie, being the last one to arrive, didn’t get to pick her seat and ended up with the only free one, which turned out to be next to Caitlin. Caitlin looked up from her music and rolled her eyes which made Katie’s heart sink. The feelings that had been toying with Katie clearly weren’t returned. Sitting down gently, Katie tried her hardest not to disturb Caitlin as the coaches engine started with a hum.
The coach rumbled slowly down the road from Arsenal's training ground, the windows fogged up from the collective energy of the squad. There was an undercurrent of excitement in the air, mixed with the chatter, but this trip wasn’t just for football. Today, the Arsenal squad wasn’t heading to their usual matches, but to Wembley Stadium to watch some of their own in action: Jordan, Beth, Leah, and Alessia were all playing for England. It was a special moment—a chance to see their teammates shine on the international stage on home soil.
Katie had been looking forward to it. She always did. Watching her friends and teammates play in the international kit was a proud moment, and she loved seeing the connection between the Arsenal players and the national squad. But there was one thing that was making this particular trip feel... complicated.
Caitlin.
The tension could cut through ice and it made Katie anxious. Katie tried to focus on the game ahead, trying to get herself in the right mindset to cheer and celebrate, but her eyes kept wandering over to Caitlin. Caitlin was sitting with her headphones in, her eyes trained on the window as the cityscape passed by. She looked... distant, lost in her own world. Katie hadn’t seen Caitlin like this before. She didn’t like it. It felt like there was an invisible wall between them, one neither of them knew how to bring down.
And yet, there they were, both pretending everything was fine, even as the space between them seemed to grow with each passing minute.
The coach rolled to a stop just outside Wembley Stadium, and the women shuffled off, stretching their legs and taking in the atmosphere which was alive and electric. Fans were everywhere, the roar of excitement already building as people walked into the stadium. But for Katie and Caitlin, it was like they were walking through a fog. There was so much unsaid between them—so much unspoken.
As they entered the VIP section, they were greeted by the usual staff and led to their seats. The others were already milling about, chatting, laughing, getting settled in. But Katie and Caitlin? They found themselves awkwardly lingering at the edge, both trying to avoid eye contact, both trying to pretend like nothing was wrong.
But then, fate—being the cruel thing that it is—decided they needed to sit together.
"Hey, Caitlin! Katie!" Steph shouted, waving them over with a grin. "We’ve got these two seats right here for you guys."
Katie froze. The seats. Next to each other. She glanced at Caitlin, who was already walking toward the seats, and, despite her best efforts, she felt her stomach churn. This was it. They had to sit next to each other. No more avoiding it. Was this intentional from Steph? Did she know?
They both sat down, a little too stiffly, their shoulders brushing for a brief second before they pulled apart like magnets with opposite charges. The match was about to start, but for Katie, it felt like the quiet tension in the air was louder than the cheers from the crowd.
She could feel Caitlin sitting there beside her, breathing just a little too deeply, trying to look calm. They both stared ahead at the pitch, but neither one really saw it. Katie’s mind was still running in circles, wondering why Caitlin hadn’t talked to her. Wondering if Caitlin was regretting everything. Wondering if she should say something.
Finally, Caitlin broke the silence, her voice soft but clear “Did you… did you talk to Jordan before we left?” she asked, her gaze still fixed on the pitch, but her voice betraying a hint of hesitation.
Katie blinked, surprised by the question “Uh, yeah. She was fine. Focused on the game, she was nervous about her knee but she’s been training hard.” She cleared her throat, suddenly aware of how tense her own voice sounded.
Caitlin nodded but didn’t say anything else. The silence stretched between them again, thick and heavy, like the air before a storm.
Katie shifted in her seat, stealing a glance at Caitlin. She wanted to ask her—What’s going on? Why are we acting like this? But she didn’t. She wasn’t sure what Caitlin would say. Was Caitlin avoiding her? Did she not want to be around her anymore? The uncertainty gnawed at Katie, and her frustration grew with every passing minute.
Caitlin glanced over at Katie and their eyes met, her gaze lingering for a moment before she looked away, a quiet understanding between them. And in that moment, Katie realised that Caitlin wasn’t just being distant. She was guarding herself, and Katie was the reason she needed to. They were both scared to open up again, scared that maybe, just maybe, everything they had was about to shift in a way they couldn’t control.
Before either of them could say anything more, the stadium erupted as the teams came out onto the pitch. The noise was deafening, the crowd a blur of red and white, and for a moment, Katie allowed herself to be swept into the excitement of it all. The national anthem played, the players lined up, and the tension in the stadium was electric. But all Katie could think about was Caitlin—sitting beside her, just out of reach.
It wasn’t until the match started that Katie realised she hadn’t taken a single breath in the last few minutes. She looked at Caitlin again, and this time, there was something different in Caitlin’s eyes. Not anger or frustration, but something softer—something that made Katie’s heart flutter for reasons she didn’t quite understand.
And then, as the match began in full swing, something between them shifted. Not enough to bridge the gap completely, but enough to make Katie realise that maybe, just maybe, things didn’t have to stay this awkward. Maybe, after all this time, there was still a chance for them to talk—to figure out what came next.
As the first goal of the match was scored and the stadium erupted in cheers, Katie glanced at Caitlin, a small, tentative smile tugging at her lips. For a brief moment, Caitlin met her eyes again, and in that shared glance, Katie felt the faintest flicker of hope. Maybe they could talk after all.
But for now, they both sat quietly, side by side, watching their teammates—their friends—play at Wembley. And maybe that was enough for the moment. As the match came to an end, the team headed down to the VIP bar, but Caitlin pulled Katie aside quickly.
“I’m sorry Katie. I’m so sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for pushing my feelings onto you. I know it’s not going to fix itself, and I know I need to give you space. I just wanted you to know I’m here for you and I’m sorry, I want us to be friends and to work through this” Caitlin said and looked into Katie’s eyes almost pleading with her.
“Have I just been friend zone?” Katie said laughing, the laugh breaking the tension.
“I don’t think you can be friend zoned if there’s no feelings?” Caitlin asked raising her eyebrow
“But there are feelings?” Katie said “I told you that last week”
“I didn’t think you meant it” Caitlin admitted and hung her head.
“Well I do Caitlin” Katie said seriously, taking Caitlins hands in hers. “I seriously do. I know I have a funny way of showing it, but I’m here. I will show you”
“So theres a chance?” Caitlin asked hopefully and Katie laughed, nodding her head “So no you’ve not been friend zoned.”
“Good. Now come on and lets celebrate the win. We can sort the rest out later, i'm not going anywhere" Katie said happily, linking arms with Caitlin and practically skipping to join the rest of the squad. A weight lifted off both of their shoulders.