Chapter 13
Kakashi woke up to an empty bed. It was nothing unusual, nothing he hadn't experienced before; but for some reason, it felt strange, and a lot lonelier now than it ever had been before - it was the first time since dating Iruka that he hadn't been there; and Kakashi was missing his warmth. He was also surprised to find that it was still early; and Iruka's side of the bed was ice cold, like he had been up for a while. And with no reason to stay in bed, he decided to get up and see where he was.
As he pottered through the apartment, Kakashi noticed how silent it was, and how all the curtains were still closed, exactly as it was every morning before they woke; and that confused him - opening the curtains and bringing light into the house was one of the first things Iruka did as part of his morning routine; so the fact that he was out of bed and it was still dark was strange.
When Kakashi entered the lounge room, a large mass instantly caught his eye; and he found Iruka curled up on the lounge with a half empty cup of tea on the table in front of him.
"Morning, 'Ru." he greeted as he padded over.
Only silence answered him, so he took a better look at Iruka; noticing how he was hugging himself with his arms wrapped around his knees, and how his face held a blank but broody expression. He also caught the dark rims around Iruka's eye sockets, and the red that rooted itself into the whites of his eyes, showing off his exhaustion; and Kakashi's heart ached, seeing him so run down.
"Have you been up all night?" he asked softly, taking a seat beside him. Iruka looked at him blankly, taking a moment to process his question.
"Yeah. Couldn't sleep." he eventually said.
"Oh… What's on your mind?" Kakashi asked, putting his hand over Iruka's, caressing his skin with his thumb.
"Just… Everything." Iruka sighed. "A lot of my memories have returned, and they're… not what I expected them to be. I'm just trying to process it."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No... I think I just want to be left alone."
"Oh, okay…" Kakashi said dejectedly. "I won't bother you, then; but I'll be around when you're ready."
As the day went by, Kakashi became increasingly worried. There was a strange tension in the air that seemed to be building with every moment that passed, almost like the aftermath of a huge argument; and Iruka, who had barely moved from his spot on the lounge, seemed even more distant and reserved than ever, like he had slipped into a severe depression overnight. He had barely responded to him and hadn't returned any of his affections; and Kakashi didn't know how to approach him. He was doing his best to honour Iruka's wishes, having spent his time doing a bit of housework, and maintaining his weapons at the kitchen table to give him some space; but Kakashi didn't want to leave him to his thoughts any longer than he had - he knew all too well the damage that heavy thinking could do, and he didn't want Iruka to be consumed by his mind.
He decided to see what Iruka was doing and give him some company; and saw that he had found a photo album and was going through it. The pages were thick, filled with memories; and Iruka seemed immersed in the photos. Kakashi was a little concerned about his frown, but it looked more like he was concentrating or trying to remember something rather than worrying; so, satisfied that Iruka seemed to be in a better mood, Kakashi settled at the opposite end of the lounge, leaning against the arm rest as he pulled out Icha-Icha to read.
Iruka had been hopeful when he first found his photo album - it held answers to the questions he didn't know how to ask, and was helping him remember things; but he'd been getting that same nagging feeling he'd had when he first entered his apartment, that something was missing; and the closer he got to the end of the album, the sicker he felt. His world was crashing down around him with every page he turned as all the pieces of the puzzle came together; and he couldn't breathe, like an invisible hand had wrapped itself around his throat and was squeezing tightly. He was nearly at the end; and his heart was breaking, shattering with every picture he saw. He couldn't believe it - it had to be some kind of sick joke… But he knew what he was seeing was real. The evidence was there, plain as day; and he had to face the truth. There were no photos of him and Kakashi together, no proof of their relationship displayed anywhere; and that meant only one thing…
"Maa, Iruka, I was just about to get up and prepare something to eat. Would you like -"
Kakashi stopped mid-sentence and his heart leapt in his throat when he saw the glassiness in Iruka's eyes, like he was about to burst into tears; and he quickly shut and pocketed his book, shifting closer to pull him into a warm embrace. Iruka rejected his touch, and squirmed out of his arms, looking away as tears started to roll down his cheeks.
"'Ru? What's going on?"
When Iruka looked at him, Kakashi's heart broke. He had never seen so much pain in someone's eyes before; and he wanted to take it all away. He reached out for him again, wanting to comfort him in some way; but Iruka shook his head no as another burst of tears ran down his face. Kakashi watched him, unsure what to do; and finally, Iruka took a deep breath and spoke.
"W-Why did you do it?"
"Do what?" Kakashi asked tentatively, feeling his stomach sink lower with every second that passed. Deep down, he knew exactly what Iruka was asking about.
"Don't act like you don't know." Iruka glowered as another tear rolled down his cheek. "We were never together, were we?"
"N-No. We weren't…" he admitted nervously, as his blood run cold with dread.
Iruka rose from the lounge, making Kakashi shrink in place - he was terrified. He had made a horrible mistake, had hurt Iruka so much because of his decisions; and he was scared of losing him.
"Then… Then all of this… Everything that's happened; it was all fake? You were just leading me on?"
"No, I…" Kakashi sighed. "Tsunade-sama filled me in on what happened and said you thought we were dating; and I didn't know how to approach the situation. I initially decided to pretend to be your partner because I was thinking about how you would have felt if I didn't; and I didn't want to let you down. But then, the moment you saw me, when you smiled… It was the happiest I had ever seen you, there was so much love behind those eyes; and I didn't know it then, but that expression is what got me - what I was pretending to feel became real in an instant. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, 'Ru; and hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do…"
"Well, I am hurt…" Iruka whispered through his trembling lips. "I trusted you, and you took advantage of me. How could you lie about something like that?"
"I'm sorry, Iruka." he apologised remorsefully.
"No." Iruka said, shaking his head. "I-I can't accept your apology right now. You had a chance to tell me the truth - plenty of chances; but you never did. Instead, you let me believe we were a couple. Do you know how much that hurts, how humiliating that is? You don't do that to people… It's cruel."
Every word Iruka said made Kakashi feel so small; and he lowered his head in shame. He hated seeing Iruka so distraught; and hated himself even more for being the one who made him that way. Why did he always end up hurting the people he loved?
"W-What can I do to make it right?" Kakashi asked nervously, feeling his heart sink even further.
"I don't know, just…" Iruka started pacing, gripping his hair as he thought. The longer he had to think, the more angry he became.
"I can't believe I helped myself to your clothes, and went around kissing and touching you however I feel, a-and just… just… I thought we were together, so it never really mattered, b-but… God, I'm so fucking embarrassed. How could you let me -?" Iruka's voice wavered, and he shook his head. "I-I need to get out of here. I need time to think."
Iruka turned and walked off - he had nothing else to say to Kakashi, couldn't say anything else.
"Iruka!" Kakashi tried, following him and reaching out for his arm. He was afraid of letting him go; afraid that if he did, he'd never get a chance to work it out, that he'd lose him for good.
"No, don't touch me." He trembled, shaking Kakashi's hand off as he stormed away.
"Iruka, wait! Please!" Kakashi called out desperately. "I want to fix this. I really do… love you."
Iruka paused when he stepped through the front door; and swallowed hard, fighting back tears.
"Goodbye, Kakashi. I don't want to see you here when I come home." He said, slamming the door behind him.
A loud silence remained; and Kakashi went weak and fell to his knees, staring at the door helplessly as he ached with remorse and his heart shattered into pieces.
"W-What have I done…?"