Chapter 14
It took a while for Kakashi to be able to pick himself up off the floor and force himself to leave Iruka's apartment. He felt heavy all over, in his mind, his heart, and body; and he was falling apart. He was so ashamed of what he'd done, of how he'd hurt Iruka; and he so desperately wanted to fix things. But Iruka had made it clear he didn't want that, that he didn't want him around anymore; and that killed him. Had he lost the man he loved, for good?
The idea made Kakashi want to cry. Iruka was everything to him, and he couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again; never hearing his laugh, or seeing his smile, or feeling him in his arms. It would be devastating. He'd finally found what he'd been missing all these years, who had been missing; and it broke his heart to think there was a chance that the most special part of him, and the most important thing in his life would be taken away, and that he'd be left empty and alone again. Kakashi felt complete with Iruka; and he didn't want to let go of the life they had started building together, or the future he saw with him. He would do anything for a second chance.
An icy breeze biting at Kakashi's skin pulled him out of his head; and he looked up from his feet slightly dazed, but still able to quickly figure out where he was. He had nearly reached the memorial stone; the place he always seemed to end up when he was troubled by something, or just didn't want to go home. This time, it was both. As he approached the monument, he took a shaky breath, suddenly overwhelmed by everything as he thought about what he wanted to say; and he swallowed hard as he fought down a lump in his throat.
"Sensei," he whispered, letting a tear trickle down his cheek, "I've done something horrible…"
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Iruka wiped at his tears as he stormed off. He was angry and upset, and wanted to get as far away from Kakashi as possible. How could Kakashi say he loved him after all that - how could he even do that in the first place?! Iruka was dying inside. He had been betrayed and had his trust broken by someone he thought highly of, by Kakashi, a man he had always considered honest and dependable; and his heart was shattering as the memories that he once held dear, now stripped of their filters, were pounding the painful truth into his chest, over and over again.
He should have trusted his instincts; he should have known. Not living together? No proof of their relationship? Iruka shook his head. God, how could he not have connected the dots? He felt stupid being played so easily. But what hurt most was that Kakashi knew… He knew exactly what he was doing, how it would end up; and yet he chose to do it anyway.
It wasn't the first time Iruka had been taken advantage of and lied to; but this time hurt the most, worse than the giant shuriken that had marked the end of a friendship years ago. He thought that had been hard, losing a close friend; but this… It felt like he'd been gutted and his life had been torn straight from him. He'd always wanted a future with Kakashi, but the reality was that this was only a fairy tale built on a web of lies. How could he trust Kakashi's last words, that he wanted the same thing?
Iruka burst into tears again. He hated this. He didn't want to be on bad terms with Kakashi - there was a part of him that understood where he was coming from, that even ached for him after seeing him so emotional for the first time; and he felt that Kakashi had been genuinely sorry about what he'd done, and meant it when he said that he wanted to fix things; but Iruka just couldn't forgive him right then - the thought of simply seeing him made him feel sick, let alone speaking to him. What would he even say, anyway?
Iruka took a deep breath as he thought; and looked up at the sky, taking in the early evening colours. The sun had almost completely set, painting the world in the deep blues and purples of dusk; and the first stars were sprinkled across it, gently twinkling away. There was something about gazing up at them that comforted Iruka; and he dried his tears, trying to convince himself that things were going to be okay.
A muffled scream nearby distracted him from his thoughts; and he froze, instantly tensing as he studied his surroundings to figure out what was happening. He was on the outskirts of the village, near the Eastern forest; and the darkening sky was starting to cast heavy shadows everywhere, making it harder to spot suspicious activity. A light breeze swirling around Iruka also interfered with his senses; and he couldn't tell which direction the scream came from, but his instincts were telling him to check the forest first.
His eyesight seemed to improve as he leered at the tree line, studying every shadow in depth, waiting for one of them to move; and everything around him became silenced as he blocked out unnecessary noises and sought out the sound of a scuffle or shinobi fleeing through the trees. Iruka waited patiently, watching and listening; and suddenly he detected movement - a dark shadow flashing through the forest.
He raced over, determined to catch up; but the figure didn’t wait for him, and he was left alone amongst the trees where they had once been. He had a bad feeling about this, and was overwhelmed with a sense of unease and urgency crawling through his skin; and when he took a quick look around him, he spotted something bright blue hanging from the tree tops, caught on a branch. Iruka's blood ran cold and goosebumps prickled along his skin - even from this distance, he knew exactly what it was.
His heart raced in a panic as he jumped up to the branch; and when he got a closer look at the blue material, his stomach churned, and he paled. With trembling fingers, he untangled the fabric from where it had been caught; and for a moment, all he could do was stare in shock as a wave of dread washed over him. He was holding Konohamaru's scarf…
And it was covered in blood.