Chapter 1
Jules felt like her feet were glued to the floor as she watched Mika walk away. Her head was pounding and her mouth was dry. She could not believe that had just happened. How the hell did they get here. How did they go from flirty banter and secret kisses to death, destruction and heartbreak. Jules wasn't stupid, as a surgeon she knew death was a part of life and it was cruel and unforgiving and grief was a wild and unpredictable monster but when she had held a sobbing Mika in her arms in that On Call room and promised they would figure it out together, she had meant every single word.
Jules didn't do relationships, hadn't for a long time. They were messy and complicated and had never really seemed worth the trouble. Mika though? Mika had walked up to every wall Jules had put up around herself and smashed them like they were made of popsicle sticks. When Mika had told her about Chloe and asked to just remain friends, it had hurt but she had done it because she knew she would rather have her in her life as a friend then not at all. It didn't matter how sad it made Jules feel or how her heart began to ache for her a little bit more every day, Mika needed her and she couldn't be selfish.
After the night shift, giving up her surgery for Mika had been easy. Mika was an incredible person and an even better surgeon and all Jules wanted to do was give her something to focus on, to take her mind off of Chloe for just a few hours. Then Mika had said three little words and she knew she was in trouble
I miss you.
Her hopes had begun to rise again with the promise of a rain check and then it hadn't just rained, it had stormed and flooded and damn near drowned them. Mika was swallowed by the grief and the guilt and Jules was there for her as much as the other girl would allow her to be. Being at the house for all hours, holding Mika as she cried herself to sleep and staying there for as long as she needed her. When Mika would finally but fitfully rest out of pure exhaustion, Jules would just look at her and she knew that she would do everything in her power to protect her and keep her safe. No matter how futile it seemed, Jules knew she was falling and there was no way back out now. Even if there was, she didn't want it.
"God damn it." A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away. She felt herself lean against the lockers and her head fall back. She scrunched her eyes closed as more tears threated to fall. She did not want to do this here, she couldn't. Taking deep breaths, she tried desperately to calm her breathing but all she could see in her mind was Mika's face.
Mika smiling at her in surgery. Mika sweaty after a run. Mika's face lighting up as she talked about her family, about Chloe before it had all fallen apart and the freshest newest memory that was the hardest for her to think about. Mika underneath her, kissing every bit of exposed skin she could reach as Jules once again did what she asked, help her feel normal and all of a sudden it hit Jules like a train.
She wasn't falling slowly anymore, she had already fallen.
She was in love.
She was deeply, madly and irreversibly in love with Mika Yasuda and she was completely and utterly screwed.
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Mika was exhausted. It seemed to be her new permanent state these days.
She had really thought going back to the hospital was the right thing to do. She was a surgeon and it was where she was meant to be but deep down she knew she had been lying to herself.
Every corner, every room, every patient, all she saw was her sister. Her baby sister who she loved more than anything and who was no longer there because she was too stupid to take a nap. The guilt was consuming her piece by piece and she just simply had nothing left to give.
When she had told Jules she was going to talk to Dr Bailey, she really had expected to just ask for more time. But time was precious and she knew that. As Bailey talked about her mother and the effect losing her had on her as a doctor, she had finally accepted deep down what she already knew. She just couldn't stay there.
Her mother had been begging her for weeks to come back home and be with her family but she had refused. How could she face them after what had happened? How could she walk in to her childhood home filled with so many memories and reminders of Chloe. Mika guessed she had been right all along, she usually was and as she talked to Bailey she knew that she needed to go them.
Packing up her locker had felt weirdly easy and a tiny sense of relief that she was making the right decision until the inevitable had happened. Jules had found her, was begging her not to go. Mika could barely look her in the eye as she mumbled out an "im sorry." She couldn't bare to see the pain on her face, knowing it was because of her. Jules did not deserve any of this. She was the funniest, kindest and most beautiful person that Mika had ever met and she would rather live alone with this pain forever than drag her down with her. Going back to kiss Jules was unfair, she knew this but with so much left unsaid between them, It was the only way she knew to try to tell her that this was not her fault and that she wished she could stay but she just couldn't and more importantly she hoped the three words that were on the tip of her tongue had also gotten through.
I love you.
It took every ounce of willpower she had left to walk out of that room and she could not look back. She had to keep going because if she stopped moving, she didn't think she would be able to start again. She didn't stop walking until she was outside the doors of the hospital, tears streaming down her face. She stopped briefly to take one last look at the place that had once been her favourite. Her heart ached for her sister and she knew if Chloe was here she would call her an idiot for giving up but there was just no fight left in her.
She felt like she was on auto pilot as she turned and walked away from everything she had worked so hard to build. Her reputation, her career, friendships and oh so much more with Jules. She barely registered she had gotten in to a cab until the driver asked her where to go. Giving him the intern house address, she slunk back in the seat and tried to block out the world. She was thankful that the other interns would not be leaving the hospital for hours and she would have time to pack up what she needed and get out before they came home.
As the Seattle skyline went by the window she let herself get lost in the buildings and business, anything to take her mind off of what she was leaving behind.
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"You let her go, like she meant nothing to you!"
Jules spat the words at Dr Bailey. Deep down she knew this wasn't Bailey's fault and she wasn't sure who the words were really meant for. Mika for walking away, or herself for letting her go. The further she walked the more the anger started to settle in. She barely registered the sound of her name being called until she felt a hand on her arm.
"Millin, my office now." It was Dr Bailey and Jules could tell by the look on her face not to argue.
She wanted to scream at the older woman but instead she just nodded her head and found herself following after her.
After entering the office, Bailey gestured for her to sit down and it was only once she did that she felt the exhaustion of the day start to take over. Her eyes filled with tears again and she willed them to stay put.
"I'm sorry." She whispered it out so quietly that for a moment she wasn't sure if Dr Bailey had heard her. She was facing away from her, hands on her desk.
"I understand that this news is hard to take, I know all of you are very close and it is always hard to lose one of your own." Jules sat fiddling with her hands as Bailey spoke, her head bowed as she desperately fought to keep the tears at bay. "But I cannot and will not have any of my interns speaking to any one in this hospital like we don't care. Do you understand?"
Jules nodded but still could not bring herself to lift up her head. She heard the sound of a chair scraping the floor and a hand on her arm.
"Look at me Millin." Looking up in to the face of this amazing woman, Jules lost the battle as the tears started to fall. "I am sorry about Yasuda, she was one of the good ones and I know how hard it is to lose on of your own. This hospital becomes your chosen family and losing a friend or even more than a friend."
Jules eyes widened in horror as she realised that Dr Bailey knew. She opened her mouth to protest but Bailey simply held up her hand.
"I'm not blind Millin and you were not fooling anybody with the way you looked at each other most of the time but I did not and will not say anything else, it is non of my business. I did not tell Mika to leave and I could not tell her to stay. This was her call and we have to respect it."
"I don't know what to do." Jules admitted. She felt like a small child, helpless and afraid of what came next. Bailey squeezed her shoulder and gave her a small smile.
"You do whatever you need to do to make peace with this. You pick yourself up and you put yourself back together, no matter how long it takes." Bailey stood up, moving the chair back to its original place. "You take a minute in here and then for now Millin, you go home." Jules opened her mouth to protest but one look at Bailey's face knew this wasn't a discussion anymore. "You go home before you hurt yourself or someone else and you come back tomorrow and start again. It's all any of us can do."
With those last words, Bailey opened the door and left her alone. Jules sat in silence for what felt like forever and let Bailey's words sink in. Make peace? How was she supposed to do that. Then she realised, she didn't want to.
Maybe she couldn't make Mika stay, but she could damn well make sure she didn't give up. Not on herself or on them.
Right then and there she decided. She was not letting her girl go without a fight.