Chapter Two
Mika hated packing.
It was part of the reason why she always tried to travel through life as light as possible. Sometimes it was annoying, not having enough of certain things because her sisters had "borrowed" them or she simply could not afford to buy anymore but at this moment in time as she packed up what was left of her life in Seattle, she was grateful for it. She couldn't help but laugh at herself with that thought, she had nothing else to be grateful for right now but at least there was that.
As she folded up her remaining clothes, her eyes lingered on two photographs she had kept on her small dresser. The first was a picture of her and all the interns at Joe's. It had been the night she had been given the grant by the hospital to help keep her afloat and they all looked happy and carefree. She couldn't stop staring at the smile on Jules' face. They were next to each other in the photo and Jules had her arm draped loosely over her shoulder. She had no way of knowing that day that things would take the turn they did. She had liked Jules from the first second they had met, even if she had used her to escape the awkwardness between her and Lincoln, there was just something about her that was different and Mika knew they were going to be friends. Of course she was also aware of the fact that Jules was gorgeous but she knew starting this journey she would need all the friends she could get and she had never even considered going there until that fateful night. Garrett had died and everything had changed.
The second one was face down in a frame because she had not been able to bring herself to look at it. With shaking hands, Mika picked it up, her finger gently tracing the first girl to ever own her heart. It was a photograph of her and all her siblings but all she saw when she looked at it now was Chloe. Chloe was laughing in the photo, her hand mockingly held up behind Mika's head making a peace sign. For so long it had brought her comfort when she was missing her family. After the accident Mika had almost thrown it across the room in a grief filled rage until she heard Chloe's voice in her head telling her to stop. Instead she had placed it face down on top and hadn't looked at it since. How could she when it just made that hole in her heart grow even bigger.
"I'm sorry Chlo" She choked out before placing a kiss on her sister's face and wrapping it up in a jacket along with the first picture.
Mika finished up the final few items and grabbed her bag. Throwing it over her shoulder, she picked up an envelope that was sitting on her bed. It was the cowardly thing to do but she couldn't tell her friends she was leaving. She knew the news would get around the hospital soon enough if it hadn't already. She had turned off her phone, couldn't face any of them calling or texting her trying to get her to change her mind and so a letter had been the best she could do, if you could even call it a letter. With the letter in one hand and her bag, she left her room and made her way downstairs.
Placing the letter in the kitchen where she knew they would find it when they got home, she took one last look around the room in the house that had become her home. Where she'd talked with Simone, laughed with (or at) Skywalker and matched Blue shot for shot when he challenged her, she had been happy here. Now it was all tainted and replaced with memories of horror that she would never be able to fully escape from.
"What, I don't get a letter?"
Mika let out a gasp at the sound, dropping her bag. Her eyes fell closed and she pursed her lips together, bracing herself before turning around. She'd know that voice anywhere.
"Jules please." The words came out pleading "I can't - "
"Then just listen, here me out that's all I ask."
The silence felt deafening as Jules waited for what would happen next. Mika stood still, her mind clearly working overtime. Eventually, wrapping her arms around herself she nodded. Jules took a shaky breath, it was now or never.
"After we started this, you told me you needed me to be your friend...and I was. Today, you wanted me to help you feel normal and I did it, or at least I tried. I have done every single little thing you have asked me to do, my own feelings be damned but Mika I'm sorry, I can't do it this time."
Her words were shaky and she wasn't sure how she was still standing but she needed to get this out. Mika was still standing silently, soaking in the words.
"I'm not even going to begin to try and say I know what you're feeling because I don't. It's like you said, I only have one brother and most of the time I can't stand the guy but Mika I know you're hurting and I am so sorry. I know you don't blame me for what happened but if it was your fault then it was my fault to. You stayed awake to help ME and I gave you that surgery when I knew you were exhausted. That's what we do Mika, we help each other, we make each other better and god I wish, I wish I could make this better but I can't and I know that."
Tears streamed down Mika's face as she listened, ducking her head down and wrapping her arms even tighter.
"I told you we would figure this out together Mika, I PROMISED you. I don't break my promises and I am not about to start now. I am here and I am not going anywhere. You told me I shook you up, that you didn't even know you needed it?" Jules let out a laugh before continuing. "If that's what I did to you, then god Mika you have to know, you didn't just shake me up, you demolished everything I thought I knew about myself and how good it can feel to let someone in and it happened so fast that I didn't even know you had done it but now I can't just put those walls back up Mika, I don't want to."
Mika finally looked up at her, running a shaky hand through her hair.
"Jules I can't."
Jules shook her head and took a careful step towards her.
"Can't what?"
"This grief, is killing me, it's poisoning everything in my life and I will not let it take you down with me!"
"That's not just your choice to make anymore Mika. I don't care how broken you think you are, I am here and I am staying."
Jules reached an arm out for Mika and felt her heart clench as she took a step back like she would hurt Jules if she touched her. They both stood still, silence once again filling the room as they waited for someone to make the next move. After what felt like an eternity, Mika spoke up.
"I can't do it Jules, I can't stay here."
Jules nodded tearfully.
"I know and believe it or not, I am not going to ask you to." Mika gave her a confused look. "not being able to go back to the hospital or even stay in Seattle, I get it. If you need to leave Seattle then that's what you need to do but I am begging you Mika, don't leave ME."
Jules decided to test the waters again and stepped closer. When Mika didn't back away again, she lifted up a hand and brushed away her tears before placing it on her cheek. Mika's eyes fluttered shut at her touch before she reached up and placed her hand over Jules'. When she opened her eyes again, the intensity of Jules' stare took her breath away.
"If you need time, I'll give it to you but when I say I am here, I mean it. We can take a break and try again in a few months, we can do long distance and I'll travel back and forth. I'd even go with you if you asked me to which, is insane." They both let out a watery chuckle at her words. "It's insane because we've barely started. We've never even been on a real date but I don't care. I'd go anywhere for you."
Bringing up her other hand to Mika's other cheek, Jules leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Mika's forehead. She felt Mika lean in to the touch. When she pulled away she knew she had to say it or else she would explode.
"I love you Mika. I won't let you be alone."
Mika let out a sob as she surged forward and connected their lips. Jules hands dropped from her face and she wrapped them tight around the smaller girls waist, never wanting to let her go even though deep down she knew that physically at least for now she would have to. Mika pulled her impossibly closer as the kiss deepened. When they finally pulled back for air, Mika rested their foreheads together.
"I don't know if I can be enough for you."
Jules gently nudged her nose against Mika's.
"You can but right now if you need it, I can be enough for both of us." She punctuated her words with a kiss.
They stood in the kitchen holding each other. Time, fear and grief did not exist in that moment, it was just the two of them. Until, the sound of a horn brought them back down to earth. Reluctantly Mika pulled away but just far enough to look in Jules' eyes.
"That's my ride."
"I know."
Neither of them attempted to move any further away from each other.
"Send the cab away, let me drive you." Mika shook her head.
"If I let you drive me, I won't be able to leave and god as much as I wish I didn't have to, I really do." Jules felt the tears building back up again as she nodded. "But I love you too and I don't know what is going to happen to me Jules. The idea of hurting you, breaks my heart but losing you completely? I don't know how I thought I could do this."
Jules' eyes lit up as she kissed her again. Her heart both full at the declaration and breaking knowing she would soon be gone.
"There's no rush, whether we go and whatever happens Mika I mean it, I'm not going anywhere."
The blaring of the horn filled the house again, the taxi driver clearly getting impatient. Mika picked up her bag off the floor before holding her hand out for Jules who gladly took it. Together they silently walked out of the house and the down the steps.
"Are you ready or should I go?" The taxi driver called, getting out of the car.
"Sorry, lost track of time." Jules told him apologetically as Mika handed him her bag to put in the trunk.
The two women turned to each other, hands never dropping.
"I'll call you when I get to my parents."
Jules shook her head.
"Text me the whole way there, I'll be here."
Without missing a beat, they both leaned in, sharing one last sweet kiss.
"I love you Mika." Jules whispered as she pulled back.
"I love you Jules."
As she pulled open the door, Mika reluctantly dropped Jules hand and climbed in to the cab. She smiled a small but sad smile at Jules through the window which she returned just before the cab rolled away.
Jules watched her go and as the cab turned a corner and went out of sight, she released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. Watching Mika go was painful but it was nothing compared to how it had felt just a few short hours earlier. She wasn't giving up on Mika or their love.
For the first time since the accident, she finally had some hope.