Sasuke scoffed at his best friend’s obliviousness.
He keeps talking about how excited he is that Hinata didn’t reject him and that he only took her words wrong. This was the first time he was actually happy to be an idiot.
Sasuke stayed silent. Since when did his best friend start chasing a girl?
And, just like always, Naruto couldn’t read the room. He continued to talk about Hinata’s beautiful locks and how it looked so great against the sky.
“What can I say?” Naruto cheesed, turning to Sasuke. “I guess purple hair gets to me!”
Sasuke glared at him then turned his back to his teammate.
“What did I do? Why are you never down to talk to me?”
Sasuke continued to ignore him, trying his best to get some sleep so they could finish up their mission.
“The least you could do is respond.”
Sasuke could hear the twinges of pain in his voice. He wanted to tell him how he really felt about everything, but Naruto’s too slow to even process a small amount of information. Besides, news like that would confuse the hell out of him.
“Whatever. You’re the worst best friend anyone could ask for,” Naruto grumbled. He lifted his sheet and drifted to sleep.
Once Sasuke began hearing snores, he carefully got out of his bed and headed for his ninja pack. Since his katana was all he really needed in a battle, he only carried a few other basic supplies. He removed a kunai from his pack and a bottle of pills Sakura gave him.
“They’re for easing your thoughts,” she told him, giving him a small smile and a package.
Sasuke popped two of the capsules with nothing but his own saliva to pass them down. Sakura had told him to take them once every day to ease the pain. This had been the fourth pill he’s swallowed today. Sasuke put the bottle back into his bag and snuck out of the hotel room. He climbed on top of the building and sat down.
What a great view of the stars.
Sasuke picked up his kunai and dragged it across his thigh.
It was his punishment. For all the people he killed, all the trouble he had caused, and the war he worsened; he knew he got off too easy. He knew he’d be better off dead, and the villagers would feel safer if he weren’t appointed to protect him.
When he snuck back into the room, he glanced over to Naruto, still sleeping like a log.
Sasuke had missed watching him sleep during missions. He always seemed to be at peace when he slept.
Instead of falling into night terrors, it had always seemed more productive to protect Naruto’s peace.
Because that’s what you do for somebody you love, right?
╳
Sasuke never felt this kind of love before.
When it first came, he didn’t know what to do with those feelings. He didn’t want to be friends with anyone at a young age, as the last person he’d been close to killed his family. He’d rather train by himself and strive to become better than his brother.
However, as time passed, seeing a bright ball of babbling light insist on being his friend and getting to know him captivated Sasuke in ways he never felt before.
This boy was always around him. Getting angry at him when he trained by himself. Spying on him just to see if he ever smiled. For some reason, all this boy wanted to be was close to him.
So he gradually let his walls down.
Six years later, Sasuke can’t even face the light he’d grown to love. He’d given up everything just to be closer to him. He had this crazy fantasy that maybe Naruto might fill the void in his heart.
Instead, he was gone. Sakura and Kakashi checked up every once in a while, and Naruto came whenever he wasn’t on missions. Ever since the war ended, Naruto was considered a war hero and was constantly on missions and helping out the less fortunate. However, when he did come, he’d entered through the window bearing ramen and stupid gifts from his trips, only leaving after Sasuke kicked him out.
But the majority of the time, he was alone with nothing but his thoughts to accompany him.
It was during this time Sasuke learned what it was truly like to be alone.
He didn’t know when it started. He was fine when he first came back to the village. Sasuke might even say he felt better than how he was feeling now. He felt liberated from the hate that came with a plan for vengeance. Naruto’s visits were frequent as well. Shit, he even felt content with Sakura’s presence.
But once things started going back to normal, Naruto began going on missions and studying for the Hokage position, and Sakura got a full-time job at the hospital. Sasuke wasn’t allowed to really do anything until the council cleared him for missions again. He was practically on house arrest, with Sakura stopping by every week to bring him whatever he needed.
As he sat in his dark studio apartment, his hatred for others diminished, and his hatred for himself flourished.
He’d never felt so low. He was used to feeling so cocky, that the thought of he himself doing anything wrong was preposterous. Now, all he can do is beat himself up and feel guilty for his sins.
“Here,” Sakura said, handing him a flyer for the new mental health clinic. “I’m running it, so you won’t feel unsafe talking about your troubles.”
All Sasuke could do was nod. “I’ll hold on to it.”
Sasuke tried his best to solve his problems the healthy way - training, meditating, reading - but it didn’t work. His thoughts became louder whenever he closed his eyes. They loved to scream in complete silence. Sometimes, they took advantage of Sakura’s pleasant voice.
When his house arrest was up, he didn’t leave his home, or even his room, until he was summoned for missions. After the mission was cleared, Naruto would beg him to eat ramen or stay over and watch a movie.
“C’mon!” Naruto whined. “We haven’t hung out in forever! Why do I always have to come to you?”
Sasuke didn’t respond. He couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, Naruto,” Sasuke said, imitating his brother’s mannerisms.”Maybe next time.”
Now, Naruto hardly showed.
Sometimes, it amused Sasuke. He knew Naruto was busy with his girlfriend and his new life, but it still amazed him.
Has he given up on him, too?
That’s when the cutting started.
It directed the pain elsewhere, which was great for the moment. But once it hit him, and his thoughts stopped spewing hate, he’d do nothing but cry. The last Uchiha, the warrior who took on Madara and fought Kaguya, curled up in a ball and cried every night.
It hurt, even more, knowing the one person you loved would never love you back that way. He’d often question himself how he fell so deep for Naruto. That boy had only chased after girls, why did he think there could ever be something there?
For fuck sakes, Naruto called him his brother over a million times.
Tonight, his thoughts made sure he knew why.
“You want love, don’t you?”
Sasuke held in a sob. “Yes.”
“Why do you think anyone would love you? You’re probably the biggest traitor known to man. Who would want to lay with a snake?”
“Nobody.”
“So why don’t you just end it? Your life has officially amounted to nothing.”
Sasuke had been pondering that question lately.
He didn’t intend to live this long. Sasuke had accepted death during the war and was willing to give his life up just to achieve his goals. He had never really thought about the absolute future, and what his life would be like if his plans didn’t work out.
But what could he do with his life after this?
He hated tagging along with Naruto on missions, as he reminded him of everything he couldn’t have. Kakashi had stopped coming once he began taking his new position seriously. At least Sakura tried to be normal, but even she looked at him with pity.
He’d been close to ending things before. But Naruto’s face and that sliver of hope that one day, he could be happy, always slipped into his mind whenever his thoughts got the best of him.
But now, Naruto has a girlfriend.
Sasuke choked out a sob. He grabbed his kunai and placed it on his throat.
“Don’t you want to say your goodbye’s?”
Sasuke nodded. He got up and rummaged through his drawer, finding a piece of paper and a pen.
He thought for a second, then began scratching down a few words.
"Naruto,
I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I love you, and I’ve always loved you.
Please, be happy with Hinata.
Take care of Sakura.
Be a wonderful father.
And an even more wonderful Hokage.
I love you."
The note would be left in the drawer for anyone who would come in and find him. He returned to his bathroom floor and picked up the kunai.
“You hardly use your voice anyways, do you really need your vocal cords?”
“Just shut up,” Sasuke cursed. He pressed the blade to his throat, blood dripping onto his athletic wrap.
Apparently, all he could hear was his thoughts screaming at him. Telling him to dig.
Because he didn’t realize Naruto was screaming at him.
╳
Sasuke awoke to white lights. Where the hell am I?
“There you are, bastard.”
Sasuke tilted his head. His heart lit up at the sound of that husky voice, but quickly melted away as he remembered the events of last night.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Why did you break into my apartment?” Sasuke questioned. “How many times have I told you to knock?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Naruto shouted. “If it weren’t for me, you’d be dead!”
Sasuke gave him a blank stare.
“You’re lucky I knocked your ass out before you were able to do any damage. You’ll be out of here tomorrow.”
Sasuke remained stoic. Just fucking great.
“Are you seriously mad at me for saving your life? What were you thinking back there?” Naruto stormed to his hospital bed and lifted his neck. “Look at this? What the hell were you thinking?”
Sasuke slapped his hand away. “Leave.”
“Sasuke! Tell me what’s going on with you,” Naruto insisted. “Sakura’s been worried as hell about you. You stopped talking to me and you refuse to hang out anymore.”
Sasuke choked back tears, refusing to show any emotions against Naruto. What could he possibly do?
“Get out.”
Don’t go, please. Be annoying, insist on being with me. Touch me. Please.
Naruto clenched his fists. He took a deep breath, turned around, and turned the doorknob.
“I…”
Tears streamed Sasuke’s face.
Please, don’t leave me.
“I can’t shoulder this burden with you any longer.”
Naruto shook his head and left the room.
Sasuke wept.
Only Sasuke Uchiha can successfully push Naruto away.