Pins and Needles
The day after new year’s Toni was given the news. Her mom was out of rehab for the sixth time and was fighting for custody. She might have to leave the Daliy’s and that terrified her. She didn’t want to leave; she finally felt a form of peace that could be taken away so quickly. “I’m not going with her!”
Mrs. Lily sighed, “Toni I know this is hard, that we’ve been through this before, but the court has yet to decide if your mother is fit enough to raise you again. Until then we have to go through the hoops just like always. Your supervised visits will start back up again tomorrow. This isn’t a guarantee that you will be living with her again it’s just a couple of court meetings.”
“Listen Toni,” Levi said as he knelt in front of her placing his hands on her upper arms, “no matter what happens over the next few months, we will figure it out together alright? Weather that’s in this home or your mom’s.”
“The first court date is in two weeks, Toni. You mom will once again have to provide a place to live, get a job, and provide a stable life before it can be considered, so you have time. If the placement does go though it won’t be for a couple of months.”
“You hear that Toni? We still have a couple of months together, how about we take a trip to the gym? Let out some steam, hmm?”
“I think that’s a great idea Toni. I will be back after your mother talks to the judge, and we will take it from there alright?” Mrs. Lily said before Levi walked her to the front door. He held the door open for Lily before turning back to Toni, “Come one kiddo, get your shoes on.”
Toni trudged to her room and slipped on her favorite pair of sneakers before following Levi out to his car. After a short drive they arrived outside of Levi’s gym. Exiting the car, Levi opened the door for Toni who immediately went to the punching bags. After Levi fitted the boxing gloves over Toni’s hands he stepped behind the bag to hold it in place. Toni raised her fist like Levi taught her, her right fist flying into the bag, she pulled her arm back again before punching again. Right, left, left, right, left. She kept hitting the bag until she lost her breath. She leaned her forehead against the bag as she caught her breath.
“How do you feel now?”
“My chest hurts.”
“Like in a pain way or the world is heavy way?”
“I don’t want to go back there.”
“I know kiddo,” Levi stepped around the bag and Toni finally looked up at him, “I wish I could make it so your mom is the type of person you deserve to have raise you, but I can’t. The most I can do is make your time with us as comfortable as possible.”
“I hate her.”
“She’s your mom kid, she has her problems, but she only fights because she loves you, what your biggest reason for not wanting to go home.”
“She still treats me like a little girl even though I don’t…” “Don’t what Toni?”
“I don’t…I don’t…it doesn’t matter.” Toni looked away even as Levi called her name again.
“Alright, Toni, no matter what you’re feeling about you mom or…anything else, you can always talk to me and Annie, just keep that in mind alright?”
Toni nodded before Levi walked behind the bag again, “Let’s go again kiddo, I know you got some more steam to blow off.”
Toni was sitting on the steps of Martha’s backyard watching Dot and Rachel kicking around a soccer ball. Martha and Shelby were jumping on the trampoline while Nora and Leah were reading books for their English class. Nora was reading a book called ‘Hatchet’ while Leah was reading ‘The Nature of Her’. Leah spoke to Toni about the author once, but she can’t remember a single thing about him. Toni’s mind was muddled with confusing thoughts until Fatin sat down next to her.
“You going to tell me what’s bothering you or are we going to play twenty questions?”
“There nothing wrong.”
“Sure, and the sky’s green, and I actually enjoy listening to my mom lecture me about my cello practices.”
Toni sighed, “I might have to go back with my mom.”
Fatin let out a low whistle, “Shit man, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, I hate her but she’s my mom you know?”
“Ya, I get it.”
“I just, I’ve never enjoyed a home before, but with the Daily’s…I feel ok, safe even, and I don’t want to loss that.”
“Well, if you feel like hitting something again…James is in my math class and has started to hit on me. I think he forgot we still hate him for the thing with Leah.”
Toni let out a laugh, “Seriously Fatin, I’ll be ok.”
“Whatever you say, Shorty, so you going to come play soccer?”
“You hate soccer.”
“Ya well, maybe I want an excuse to hit Rachel with the ball. She called me a bitch yesterday.”
“You convinced Nora to draw Rachel as a zombie.” “
Ya…because I’m hilarious and Rachel would definitely die first in the zombie apocalypse.”
“Only because you would push her.”
“Without a doubt, now come on lets go, lets show them who the better girls are.” Fatin said as she stood up before running up to steal the ball from Dot. Toni sighed before standing up and following Fatin. She was confused about what it meant to be girl, or a boy even, she understood that she liked girls but why doesn’t she like herself? Every time someone calls her a girl she feels her stomach drop; she hates looking in the mirror, and as puberty starts Toni wonders why her brain keeps telling her it was all wrong. Why did people need to label everything anyway? Toni’s tired of labels and trying to fit into society’s boxes.
“It’s ordered by the state on Montana, and this court, that custody of Antonia Shalifoe be awarded back to her mother, Lauren Evans. As of today, February 19th, 2017, Antonia Shalifoe is to be returned to her mother on February 27th, 2017. Court adjourned.” Toni’s heart dropped as the judge banged her gavel. This was happening, she has to leave Annie and Levi, she has to leave her foster brothers…Toni never though it was possible for her to be heartbroken over leaving a foster family, not after leaving Mrs. Jazmine. What was going to happen now? Every time she goes with her mom it ends the same, drugs, strange men, and it barely lasts a year. Toni looked up at Mr. Levi when she felt his arm go around her shoulder, “We got you kid, it’s alright. Let’s go get you packed alright?”
Walking out of the courthouse that day Toni felt so defeated, every year that past her mom just became more of a stranger, how was she supposed to handle living with her again and starting over? Entering the house that had been her home for the last three years for probably the last time was surreal. She walked into her room, kicking her shoes off into the corner. She looked around her room with a blank stare, she didn’t own much outside of her clothes but the few things she had made her feel…normal. Not like the things her mom always fills her room with, nothing but pink girly things that make Toni feel unseen. She sat on her bed wishing her life didn’t have to change…again.
A week later Toni stood in her room at the Daily’s for the last time, a backpack thrown over her shoulder, she inhaled deeply before walking out of the room. She walked up to Annie and Levi standing in the living room, they smiled at her as she walked up to them. Try as she might, Toni couldn’t get herself to smile back, she just stared at them until there was a knock at the door. Annie opened it up to Mrs. Lily standing on the other side.
“Hello, you three, are you ready Toni?”
Toni nodded, “Can I say goodbye?”
“Of course, dear.”
Toni rushed to hug Levi first. He staggered for a second before hugging Toni back, “It’s alright kiddo, this time will be different, you’ll see.” Toni’s never felt safe in an adult’s arms until she met Levi and Annie, she didn’t want to let go. Levi held on until Toni released him, then she turned to hug Annie.
“You are the bravest kid I know, Toni, no matter who you grow up to be, you’re going to do amazing things. Never stop discovering new things about yourself.”
Toni let go an Annie as she let her words sink in, she started to walk to the front door when she felt a smaller body run into hers. Toni looked down as she felt two sets of arms wrap around her waist, Dustin and Bradly, how could Toni forget about them. Toni dropped her bag as she wrapped her arms around the two boys.
“You two better behave, ok?”
Toni felt Dustin nod against her stomach before they let her go. She picked her back up again before walking out of the house and into Mrs. Lily’s car.
Just like every other time she visited her mom, she was standing in the doorway excited for Toni to show up, and just like every other time, Toni trudges out of the car wishing to be anywhere else. She entered the house, barely sparing her mother a glance, and entered her room, dropping her back with a solid thump as she looked around the room.
Toni wasn’t even surprised at the state of her room, but it still made her stomach hurt. So much pink and boyband posters. Nothing that made Toni feel like she belonged, but how do you explain to a virtual stranger that you aren’t what she expected or wanted?
Toni could hear her mom walking up behind her, “So what do you think dear?”
“Whatever.” Toni said as she sat down on her bed.
“I know the past few years have been rough on you, but this time will be different, I promise.”
“Annie says to never make promises you can’t keep.” Toni pulled a notebook out of her backpack to start her homework.
“Toni talk to me; I can’t do anything if I don’t know what you like.”
“I like girls.” Toni said deadpanned.
“Oh ok, that’s not what I expected.”
“Yeah well you weren’t around, so you didn’t get to know.”
“I know but I’m here now.”
“For how long?”
“Toni enough, no matter how you feel about it I’m still your mother and you’re my daughter.”
“I’m not though.”
“Not what?” Lauren said with a heavy sigh.
“Your daughter, I don’t think I’m your son either, I don’t know it all confusing but don’t call me that.”
“Toni don’t be ridiculous you’re my daughter, like it or not now what do you want for dinner? I’m not the greatest cook so we will have to order something.”
Toni ignored her mom until she walked out of her room stomping like a child. Toni never really cared what her bio mom thinks so her argument about gender doesn’t mean anything to Toni, so why did it still sting?
With middle school ending and high school fast approaching the group decided to spend their next Saturday at a carnival an hour away. It took some convincing, but Tim finally agreed to drive the kids for the day. Cramming eight teenagers into Tim’s SUV was a hassle but they managed. Tim watched in the rearview mirror as his little girl messed around with her friends, putting Toni into a headlock when she said something stupid, showing Martha different games on her Gameboy, watching videos that Fatin keeps shoving in her face. Tim’s smile dropped when he felt his chest tighten, he tried to breath though the pain. Seeing a rest stop Tim pulled over, parked as quickly as he could before jumping out the driver’s side door as he started to cough. He started to heave as his coughing persisted. He fell to his knees putting his hand on the ground in front of him.
He heard a door opening behind him but couldn’t look back. “Daddy?”
Dottie, his little girl…she shouldn’t see this. He felt her put a hand on his back. “I’m ok honey,” Tim said as he finally got his breath back, “It’s ok.” He managed to stand back up after a solid minute. He looked down at Dot and smile, “Let’s go.” He waited for her to climb back into the car before joining the kids again. The car ride was quieter after Tim’s…break.
Pulling into the crowded parking lot Tim managed to find a spot close to the front before parking. The kids rushed to get out of the cramped car. Tim stepped out as well before calling out to all the kids.
“Wait up kiddos,” Tim called out before they could get to far away, “stay in pairs at all times alright? Meet by the food court in three hours for dinner and we will go from there, alright?”
The kids quickly paired off and dispersed, all expect for Dot who was just watching her father. “What’s wrong Dottie?”
Dot hesitated before asking, “Are you ok dad?”
“Of course, honey, go have fun with your friends, it looks like Leah and Fatin are waiting for you.”
Dot turned around to see Leah and Fatin, in fact, waiting for her at the entrance to the carnival. She looked back at her dad who shot her a small smile before Dot turned around and ran to her friends.
Toni had never been on a carnival ride before, but she was excited to ride everything. From the spaceship to the twister to the tilt-a-whirl, Toni road them all. She won Martha a stuffed pig at the basketball game and Shelby an inflatable alien at the dart throwing game. She watched Rachel throw baseballs at the target on a dunk tank. The clown had made fun of Nora and watching him get soaked was hilarious. They met Tim for dinner and Toni ate corndogs until she felt sick. They were ending their day at the Ferris wheel, all managing to fit into one carriage. As they reached the top Toni looked out over the town. She looked at her friends as they laughed and smiled.
Toni took a deep breath before grabbing the attention of her friends, “Hey guys? Can I tell you something?”
“What’s up Toni?” Dot asked as she looked over.
“I don’t know how to explain this honestly, when I think about who I am, I don’t think about being a girl.”
“What do you mean?” Fatin asked.
“I don’t think I’m a girl but I’m not a boy either, I don’t know what it means,…I think I’m in between? Maybe?”
“Oh, that’s ok.” Leah replied as she looked back out the window.
“Is it?” Toni asked as she meet Shelby’s eyes for the first time.
Shelby nodded at Toni as she smiled, “It’s ok, Toni.”
Toni was pulled away from the conversation when the Ferris wheel started to move again. They reached the end and rushed out to find Tim on the ground.
After a final head count Tim lead them back to the car and they climbed in before Tim started the long journey home. Toni was watching the world go by though the window when she felt a weight on her shoulder. She looked to see Shelby leaning against her, completely asleep. Toni smiled as she looked back out the window.