Truth or Dare
“You’re…a lesbian?” Leah ask in a slightly confused voice. They were gathered at Rainer Park to play basketball when Toni decided she was ready to tell them the truth.
“That’s what Mrs. Annie said it’s called, I don’t know, I just know I don’t like boys like you guys do, I think I like girls.” If anyone noticed the way Shelby stepped away from Toni, they didn’t mention it.
“Me two.”
Everyone looked at Fatin in confusion, “I mean I still like boys, but I think I also like girls.” Fatin shrugged.
“I know there are some people who won’t like that I am this way, so if you have a problem tell me now.” Toni said as she started to clench her fists at her side.
“Oh, ok, well I don’t care.” Rachel said as she grabbed the basketball from under Toni’s arm and started to dribble down the court. Toni laughed with relief before chasing after her, quickly followed by Fatin, Leah, Dot, and Martha. Nora staying behind with Shelby.
“Are you ok?” Nora asked as she watched Shelby fiddle with the cross around her neck. Shelby put on her award-winning smile and turned to Nora.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re a bad liar.” Nora walked off to watch the basketball game from the sidelines.
The following weeks were unusually tense for the group, it had never been like that before. Shelby was distant and quiet; she shied away every time Toni or Fatin got close to her. Toni tried not to feel hurt over it but what Mrs. Annie told her about people hating her for her existence keeps ringing in her head. Shelby couldn’t be someone like that right? Someone who would hate her and hurt her just for being alive? She was afraid of losing her best friend. When Fatin noticed Shelby’s distance, however, she wasn’t afraid to confront her.
They were in Fatin’s backyard playing truth or dare just trying to enjoy their Saturday. They sat in a circle on the ground, Toni sitting with her back to the house, Martha next to her, followed by Shelby, Dot, Leah, Fatin, Nora and Rachel next to Toni. Nora smiled as she looks over at Toni, “Truth or dare?”
“No question, dare!”
Nora looked around before deciding “I dare you to eat a spoon full of hot sauce.”
“No problem.” Toni stood up and ran inside only to reappear with a metal spoon and a bottle of hot sauce. Toni slid into the spot she left open before fully sitting back down. They waited with battered breath as Toni poured the hot sauce onto the spoon. Toni just grinned and winked at them before shoving the spoon into her mouth. They waited for some type of reaction and got nothing as Toni just stared at all of them.
“Toni, what the hell?” Dot asked as she started to laugh.
“Dude that was nothing. I love hot sauce.” Toni laughed “Alright, Fatin truth or dare?”
Fatin thought for a second before deciding “Truth.”
“You have your first kiss yet?”
“Girl or boy?” Fatin laughed before noticing the way Shelby tensed up and decided to push the conversation some.
“Either.”
“Rebecca from my math class, we were hanging out with some other kids when they dared me. They thought I would wimp out or something, as if.”
Shelby shifted in her spot even more. Fatin started to frown, she caught Toni’s eye and nodded over to Shelby. Fatin could see the moment Toni saw what she was referring to. As Toni’s face drops, Fatin has had enough.
Fatin decided to test her theory, “Shelby, truth or dare?”
“Um, truth I guess.”
“Do you have a problem with Toni and I?”
“What? What do you mean?” Shelby let out an awkward chuckle.
“Do you have a problem with Toni being gay? Or me being Pan?”
“What? Fatin how can you ask that? Of course she doesn’t. Right Shelby? You don’t judge them for who they are right? You’re not like that?” Martha asked, her voice becoming more pleading as she spoke. Hoping one of her best friends wasn’t this monster that Fatin is trying to paint.
Shelby looked around at her friends as she felt her body tense, “Look, I love all of you, there is no hate in my heart, but my beliefs doesn’t support that, and neither can I.”
“I fucking knew it.” Toni said with anger in her voice as she stood up.
“Toni, this has nothing to do with you as a person, I still love you, but I just can’t support your choices.”
“This is who I am Shelby!” She flinched, not hearing her full name from Toni for a long time. “You think I choice this? To be this confused? To worry about existing all the time? Mrs. Annie warned me that there would be people out there that hated me, but I never expected it to come from you.”
Toni spun on her heels before heading into Fatin’s house. Fatin soon stood up and followed Toni after a moment of awkward silence. The group watched the two girls walk away before looking back at Shelby. Shelby felt shame as she looked around at the people that were supposed to be family to her.
“What? Am I not allowed to have my own opinions?”
“Not those ones.” Dot said as she stood up, shortly followed by Rachel, Martha, and Leah as they headed inside.
“Why do you feel that way?” Nora asked, being the only one left. “
My daddy says it wrong.” Shelby said as she pulled her knees into her chest.
“You ever think your dad might be the one who is wrong? You should probably leave.” Nora finally stood up and headed inside as well leaving Shelby outside in her isolation.
They don’t really know when Shelby left, they were too busy trying to get Toni to calm down. All her exercises with the Daily family seem to go out the window.
“Toni, you got to stop man.” Dot yelled as Toni once again punched the wall in Fatin’s bedroom. Toni didn’t have enough power to make a hole, but it definitely bruised her knuckles, while leaving small indents.
“Ahhh!” Toni yelled, “It’s so stupid, I hate this!” “
It’s alright, she’s come around.” Leah said as she sat next to Fatin on the bed. Martha, Rachel, and Nora occupied the floor, while Dot kept trying to get in between Toni and the wall.
“We all know that’s a lie,” Toni spun around to look at her friends, “She’s been obsessed with her religion since we met, I was stupid to believe she would think Fatin and I were more important than that.” Toni backed up to the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. She crossed her arms across her bent knees and buried her head in her arms.
Dot sat down next to Toni putting her arm around her shoulder. “Listen to me right now Toni, this isn’t worth it, she isn’t. You and Fatin matter to us and we will never let anyone get to you guys. Shelby or no Shelby, you have all of us.” Toni finally managed to look up at Dot before leaning her head against Dot’s shoulder.
“Toni…can I ask you a question?”
Toni looked over at Rachel before nodding her head “Do you…do you like Shelby? Is that why your so upset?”
Toni made eye contact with Martha before nodding her head.
“She does, that’s when Toni realized she liked girls.” Martha said from her spot on the ground.
“Fuck man.”
Toni couldn’t help but laugh hearing Dot curse. It was a small moment that reminded her of what she still had, six amazing friends who would stand by her and Fatin forever. Toni smiled when she looked up at Fatin for the first time since they entered her room. Toni know that Fatin dug the truth out of Shelby not to hurt any of them but in a form of protectiveness over Toni. Toni would always be grateful for Fatin looking out for them.
Fatin wasn’t stupid, she knew for a while that Shelby wasn’t ok with everything that was transpiring between Toni and Fatin as they came out. She just didn’t believe that Shelby would throw away everything they had over it. Their Saturday movie nights were a bit different now, Shelby wasn’t around to hide behind Toni during horror movies, Toni didn’t throw popcorn at Rachel when she would make a dumb joke. Martha’s smile was flatter, Nora was quieter, Dot tried to keep them distracted but it never seemed to work. Fatin leaned harder into Leah’s side; her weight heavy on Leah’s shoulder who didn’t know how to lift it. Their group was fractured, and they had no idea how to fix it, no one had heard from Shelby since that fateful day.
They saw her in school and knew she was physically ok but psychologically? That was harder to gauge. Avoiding Shelby became second nature to Fatin over the next couple of weeks, they only shared English together, so it wasn’t hard. She didn’t want to avoid her; they had such a long history but how could she hang out with someone who hates who she is? Someone who could hate a soul like Toni for something she can’t control? Toni won’t admit it, but Fatin can tell the whole confrontation was making her regret coming out. How could anyone look at Toni, or Fatin herself, and decide some force they can’t see was more important? Whatever Fatin was done wasting her time thinking about Shelby, she had more important things to focus on…like her English test. She hates English but Leah offered to tutor her so how could she refuse?
They had agreed to meet at the library after school, Fatin’s house was currently buzzing with two toddlers that seem to love Leah more than Fatin, and Leah’s house being taken over by Kurt’s camping group. While Leah hasn’t been camping since the snake attack Kurt still goes regularly with the other adults from that day and they occasionally meet to discuss new camping grounds. So, library it was, they spent most of their time in the teen section, a small room full of young author books, desks, board games, and two soundproof rooms for studying. They were inside one of these rooms when Leah noticed her, Shelby, had entered the teen room, probably to study as well. Leah tried to make herself hard to notice, and keep Fatin distracted from looking through the glass walls of the study room. It didn’t seem to work as she noticed Fatin staring right at where she last saw Shelby. Leah tensed before turning to see Shelby staring right back at Fatin as well. Leah silently hoped Shelby would just walk away and let them study in peace, but that hope would quickly be dashed as she watched Shelby walk up to the study room door and twist the handle. Shelby walked into the room; her math book cradled in one hand while she used the other to quietly close the door behind her. Shelby stared at the ground as she could feel Leah and Fatin glaring at her.
“What do you want?” Fatin asked though gritted teeth.
Shelby’s head snapped up before meeting Fatin’s eyes again, she glanced away to look at Leah before turning back to Fatin again.
“Fatin, can we talk?” Her eyes flicked over to Leah again, “Alone?”
“Whatever you want to say you can say in front of my girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend?” both Shelby and Leah said in confusion, Fatin meet Leah’s eyes and just shrugged before looking back at Shelby.
“Please Fatin, it will be quick.”
“Fine.” Fatin let out a heavy sigh. She could see the worry in Leah’s eyes, and it weighed of Fatin’s heart, “It’s alright Leah, it will be quick then we can get back to English, alright?”
“Ok, I guess, I’ll be right outside.” Leah stood up from the table leaving everything in its place. Leah walked out of the study room and took a seat on the reading chairs across from the room so she could still see inside. She sat with her arms crossed as she watched the two girls talk in the silent room. She couldn’t hear them, but she knew Fatin’s body language and could always tell when Fatin was putting on a front, and right now she was so tense from the conversation that Leah started to worry that Fatin would attack Shelby at one point.
Watching Leah leave, Shelby let out a sigh as she sat in the chair Leah was once occupying. “I didn’t actually plan what I was going to say, I was expecting you to completely blow me off.”
“Ya well there’s still plenty of time for that. What do you want Goodkind?”
“I just want to talk,” she looked down at her hands on the table, one in a lose fist with the other covering it, she was trying not to shake, when did this become so hard? “I miss all of you and I want things to go back to before.”
“Ya, I don’t see that happening as long as you stay hateful.”
“I’m not hateful, it’s just god says it’s a sin, how can we go against him? He never gives us trials we can’t fix, my daddy helps men who feel like you and Toni, maybe he could help you guys to.”
Fatin let out a weak chuckle, “What? Helps them how? And there’s nothing wrong with Toni and I, we can’t control what we feel and if you can’t accept that then you don’t need to be around us. Look, we’ve been friends for our whole lives. I don’t want to lose that either but I’m not really the one you need to talk to; you need to talk to Toni. If she can accept this then I will THINK about it. I, however, won’t be accepting anything right now if you want to fix this, start with your views.”
Seeing that Fatin essentially ended their conversation, Shelby grabbed her book before heading to the door.
“Right, I get it.”
“I was joking by the way.”
Shelby stopped and spun on her heals to look at Fatin again, “What?”
“I was lying when I called Leah my girlfriend, I just wanted to watch you squirm.” Shelby swallowed the lump in her throat before turning to the door again to exit. She watched Leah jump up from her seat and rush past her to check up on Fatin. Shelby felt her heart get heavy when Leah wouldn’t even meet her eyes. Shelby decided not to stay in the library any longer, she seemed to have developed a weird taste in her mouth.
Over the past weeks Toni discovered that basketball is the only thing that truly clears her mind, and she enjoys not having to think of anything. Dot agreed to accompany her to Rainer park anytime she was asked. Dot had recently started wearing cargo shorts claiming she like the storage, but Toni doesn’t believe her until she tripped on the court. Toni was dribbling past Dot trying to practice her dodging when her ankle twisted, and she went down. Toni landed roughly on her left knee scraping the top layer of skin off, her hands going out to catch her fall, before rolling onto her side in order to sit down. She managed to pull her left knee into her chest as she yelled.
“Dang, that really hurt.” Toni’s eyes were closed until she heard a thump next to her, she opened her eyes to see Dot next to her digging though one of her many pockets. Dot finally pulled out a couple of loss Band-Aids before handing one to Toni.
“What were you saying earlier about my shorts?”
Toni laughed as she grabbed the Marceline Band-Aid from Dot’s hand, “I stand…well sit by what I said, no one needs that many pockets.”
“Whatever you’ll be happy for the storage one day, and when you ask me to carry something for you, I’ll remind you of this conversation before saying no.”
“Whatever Dot, you know you won’t do that.” Toni said as she finally managed to stand back up.
“Hey Toni, Dottie.”
Toni tensed up at the voice behind them, she spun on her heels to come face to face with someone she never though would talk to her again, Shelby. Toni felt Dot’s hand land on her shoulder, and she started to relax knowing she isn’t alone.
“Toni, can we talk?”
“What’s there to talk about, pretty sure you made your feeling clear last time.”
“Please Toni.”
Toni looked at Dot before asking her to give them a minute. Dot eyed them warily before tucking the basketball under one arm and shoulder checking Shelby with the other on her way of the court.
“So, what?”
Before Shelby could speak her mind, something caught her eye, “You’re not wearing your necklace.”
“What?”
“The necklace I got you, you’re not wearing it.”
Toni reached up to her collarbone to feel for a necklace that was no longer there.
“Oh ya, I left it at the house, you know didn’t feel like wearing a gift from someone who hated me.”
“You know I don’t, I don’t hate you Toni, you get that right?”
“Ya, you do though. I could see the look in your eyes, when Fatin and I got to close to each other, you shutter. You don’t think I notice but I do. You’ve tensed every time I’ve gotten close to you ever since I came out. You pull away every time I touch you, you avoid eye contact. You can’t even look at me right know.”
Shelby tensed as she felt eyes starting to look at her, she turned to see some people watching them as Toni’s voice got louder, “Can we go somewhere quiet?” Shelby didn’t wait for an answer before grabbing Toni’s wrist and dragging her into the tree lines nearby.
“What? Don’t even want to be seen talking to me now?” Toni asked as she yanked her hand from Shelby.
“Toni can you just…uhhg, just listen please.”
“Fine go ahead.”
“It’s not you Toni, it’s my daddy, it’s the bible, it’s my faith, these things I love, and they all go against gay people, and I don’t know what to think. I still love you and Fatin, but my faith is important to me.”
“Ya well, it’s important to Mrs. Annie and Mr. Levi to but they still care about me! They found a middle ground so why can’t you?! I hate to tell you but if you live your life in your ‘daddy’s’ shadow forever when do you become your own person? When do you just do what you want and not what everyone else wants from you? If you never stand up for what you want how will you ever…”
Toni was cut off when Shelby leaned forward and kissed her. It was just a quick peck that left Toni confused and when she opened her eyes all she could see was Shelby running way.
What just happened? Why did Shelby kiss her? Why did she run away? Should she follow her? Toni didn’t know what to do until she saw Dot running to her.
“What was that about?” Dot asked as she stopped in front of Toni.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, what did she want? She ran out of here so fast, did you hit her or something?”
“No, I…I…I don’t know what happened we were just talking about her religion and then she was gone.”
“Was it bad?”
“I don’t think so…” Toni finally shook her head to clear her mind, “Can we just go play basketball now?”
“Sure, whatever you want Shorty.”
“Don’t start with that again.” Toni laughed as she grabbed the basketball from where Dot left it on the ground.