First Crushes
No one is really surprised when Fatin is the first one to take an interest in boys. She had always been more outgoing then the rest of them, especially after her brothers Ahmad and Kemar were born and her parents got busier. They didn’t pay as much attention to her as before, so it was easier for her to go off without them knowing. She was still very much a daddy’s girl but with two toddlers hanging around it was hard to get one parent’s attention. Which lead to Fatin talking to other kids in their class. Tommy Del Rose was an ok kid Toni guesses. He just transferred halfway through the year and Fatin seemed to take an interest in him at the beginning of summer. They were heading to middle school in a few months, so this was normal right? Toni wasn’t sure how she felt about any of it, she just wanted to hang out with her friends without some dumb boys around. Fatin, however, disappears with Tommy and his friends sometimes, Martha, Dot, and Shelby joining them most of the time.
Toni didn’t know what they got up to all the time, but she also didn’t care, they would invite her along sometimes, but she always declined. Hanging out with a group of boys wasn’t appealing to Toni, she just wanted to hang out with the people she cared about, especially Martha and Shelby. Why would anyone what to spend time with a bunch of dumb boys when Toni was so much more fun to spend time with?
If asked she couldn’t tell you what the feeling was in the pit of her stomach, as she watched Shelby walk away with Fatin and the group of boys. It didn’t sit well with her at all. She wanted to convince Shelby to stay, but she didn’t know how, and why was it only Shelby that was making Toni’s stomach hurt? Even if she thought of something, Toni isn’t completely convinced that Shelby would actually stay.
Toni’s not stupid, she knows it’s normal for girls her age to start thinking about boys, so why didn’t she? She was so afraid her friends would leave her behind once they all started to date. She doesn’t want to be left behind though, where would she end up without her friends? She was always destined to get left behind and it wasn’t fair. So, what if she though boys were dumb? So, what if she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t like them yet? Why should she like boys though? When boys like Johnny and men like Mr. Rob exist?
Three weeks into the summer before sixth grade and Toni is still sulking. The group was hanging out at Rachel and Nora’s house watching a movie in Rachel’s bedroom. Fatin, Dot, and Shelby were missing, probably hanging out with Tommy and his group again. Thats fine though, Toni can have fun without them, even though the movie isn’t appealing to her. She’s been bored out of her mind the whole movie, it’s some dumb rom-com that Martha picked out. At this point only Martha and Leah were paying attention to the movie at all. Rachel busy bouncing a ball off the wall softly, Nora drawing, and Toni just zoning out. Toni would occasionally glance at the screen until something caught her attention.
She couldn’t tell you the name of the movie or even what it was about, but she could completely tell you this scene. She watched as one of the male characters grabbed the hand of another and interlocked their fingers together as they walked down the street talking about a random topic. They would stop about two blocks further down before saying ‘I love you’ for the first time and sharing an on-screen kiss. Toni was dumbfounded…that was possible? It was possible to like the same gender? That was a new concept for Toni. She has never seen anyone date someone of the same sex. Toni pondered what that meant as the credits rolled.
If two men could date, could two women? Would that be ok or even possible? Toni wanted to ask her friends, but they were probably as confused as her so… she needed to ask an adult, but who? Maybe…Mrs. Annie! Her current foster mom, Mrs. Annie was really nice to Toni and answers any questions that Toni has! She will just have to wait until she gets back to the house. She was drawn out of her thoughts when Rachel throw a small object at her. Toni picked it up confused, staring at the blue bouncy ball, before looking back at Rachel.
“Did you really just throw this at me?”
“I wouldn’t have had to if you were paying attention!”
“To what?! The movie’s over!”
“I asked what you wanted to do, Martha and Leah keep talking about the difference between the movie and the book and Nora went to her room for some quiet, so I’m stuck with you now.”
“I’m your last resort? Ouch, but that doesn’t mean you can throw things at me.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
Toni stood up from the floor, walked up to where Rachel was sitting across from her and tackled her to the floor. This quickly developed into a wrestling match, Toni’s mind was completely taken away from the millions of questions that such a small movie scene caused.
Arriving back at her current home, Toni was nervous about talking to Mrs. Annie. She had been living with Mrs. Annie, Mr. Levi, and their two sons for the past year, arriving two weeks after her tenth birthday. She was anger at first, another home, another family, more strangers, but Mrs. Annie and Mr. Levi were so welcoming and patient with Toni. They taught her techniques to help with her anger. Mr. Levi, who works in a gym and teaches a boxing class, even takes her to the gym sometime after hours to use the punching bags. They even throw Toni her first ever birthday party with all of her friends when she turned eleven a few weeks ago. Her foster brothers, eight-year-old Dustin and seven-year-old Bradly are really sweet kids and like to play basketball with Toni. Even though they are a Christian family they don’t make Toni go to church, they did offer when Toni first moved in. Out of curiosity Toni went for a few services before deciding it wasn’t for her. It also helps that they are only a ten-minute walk from Martha’s farm. Toni really enjoys staying with a family for the first time in a while. She knows it probably won’t last but she’s going to enjoy it while she can.
As soon as she walked inside, she could smell something coming from the kitchen. She walked the small distance from the living room to the kitchen, waving at Dustin and Bradly playing, they tried to call her over, but Toni had questions that needed answered. She walked into the kitchen where she found Mrs. Annie standing at the stove, Toni never knows what Mrs. Annie is cooking, completely unfamiliar with most foods the family eats, but it’s always delicious and Toni never goes hungry anymore. Toni doesn’t snack very often but knowing the fridge is always open and she could eat whenever bring a form of comfort. Toni stepped up next to Mrs. Annie watching her cook.
Mrs. Annie looked down when she realized Toni was next to her, “Hello dear, are you hungry? Dinner will be ready soon.”
“A little, but can I ask a question?”
“Of course, what’s the matter?”
“Is it normal for boys to date other boys?”
Mrs. Annie paused, “Oh, one of those types of questions, alright.” Mrs. Annie turned the stove off before turning to Toni. “Come dear, sit at the table, dinner can wait.” Mrs. Annie lead Toni to the small dining table in the kitchen before taking a seat, Toni sitting across from her.
“May I ask, why these questions are coming about? Did something happen?”
“We watched a movie, and two boys kissed, so I was curious.”
“Alright love well the short answer is yes, its normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it, or the people who feel that way.”
“What about two girls?”
“Yes, that’s normal to, it’s called being gay. While it’s normal, I will say honey, that there are people out there who don’t understand it and they become mean for it. They even hurt people just because they are different, but god made all of us in his image so how could people being who they are be such a bad thing? Do you understand? Have you been thinking about this for a while?”
“I’m…not sure? My friends are interested in boys all the time, but I don’t care about them.”
“That’s alright to, just because they are curious doesn’t mean you have to be right now, and even if you are never curious of boys that’s ok to.”
“How…how do you know you like someone? How did you know you liked Mr. Levi?”
“Well, that’s a trick question, because its different for everyone, but for me it was the butterflies.”
“Butterflies?”
“That’s what they call them, it’s a flutter in your stomach, a nervousness that only happens around a certain person. When you like someone, you want to spend all your time with them, you do nice things for them, you think about them all the time. You want to hold their hand, you want to keep them safe, things like that. Sometimes though you just know because they make you want to be a better person, not by their actions, but by their presence. You want to do better for them. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“Do you have any other questions honey?”
“No, I think I’m ok.” Toni said as she stood up from her chair.
“Alright then,” Mrs. Annie stood up as well, “I need to finish dinner, why don’t you go to the living room to play with Bradley and Dustin? I’ll come get you guys in a bit.”
“Ok.” Toni said as she headed into the living room where she found Dustin and Bradly playing with army men. She sat beside them silently before Dustin handed her a handful of army men.
“Here Toni, you can be on my team, Bradly is trying to stop my men from crossing this river.” Dustin said as he pointed to the rope the boys had laid on the ground. Toni smiled as she joined the boys until Mr. Levi came home and Mrs. Annie called them for dinner.
Over the next week Toni took what Mrs. Annie said to heart and considered all possibilities when it came to crushes. She would wonder why she was different from her friends. She even joined Fatin, Shelby, and Dot a couple of times when they hung out with Tommy and his friends. She still didn’t get the purpose of it, and she would get angry when one of the boys got to close to Shelby, but she still didn’t understand why. All they were doing was playing in a playground in the middle of Rainer Park, it’s not different from their normal days so why did the boys have to be here? Whatever, Toni doesn’t care, she has her friends and that’s enough, right? Toni was pulled out of her thoughts by Shelby grabbing her hand and Fatin calling her name.
Toni looked over at Shelby who smiled at her before saying, “We are going to meet the others at the soccer field, you’re coming right?”
“Uh, ya, of course.” Toni said as Shelby started to pull her down the path and away from the center of the park. The only thing Toni could think the whole time was that Shelby didn’t let go of her hand the whole way as she pulled Toni behind her. Staring at their hands, Toni noticed her heart started to race. She gripped Shelby’s hand tighter and realized that it felt nice to hold Shelby’s hand. She looked up from their hands to stare at Shelby, after a minute of feeling Toni’s gaze, Shelby looked back and smiled at Toni. Toni felt her heart stop for a second before she noticed the flutter in her stomach. Why was one of her best friends making her nervous right now? What is happening to her?
Toni wouldn’t mention any of this until she spent the night on Martha’s floor. “Marty? Are you awake?” Toni asked as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Ya, are you cold?”
“No, I just, why do you hang out with those boys?”
“Oh, I don’t know, their fun and cute, I guess.”
“Cute?”
“Ya you know, cute, like I like them, mostly Frankie, but they are all cute.”
“How did you know you liked Frankie?”
“I don’t know, he’s funny and sweet, I like playing with him. It’s hard to explain. Why? Do you like a boy?”
“Marty,” Toni finally turned onto her side to stare up at Martha who was slightly leaning over her bed, “I don’t think I like boys.” Toni tucked her hands under her pillow as she curled into herself.
“Yet? Or do you like girls?”
“I don’t know if its girls or just one.”
“You like someone?”
“I think, she just makes me nervous, and Mrs. Annie said that’s a sign.”
“Ya? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know, it’s all confusing.”
“That’s ok, maybe we should just sleep, you might feel better in the morning.”
“Ya, your right,” Toni turned over to face the other direction and stared at the wall for five minutes before opening her mouth again, “its Shelby, I think I like B.”
Toni didn’t expect Martha to hear her or to respond, “That makes sense, you guys have always been close.” Martha said in a groggy voice.
Toni froze for a moment at Martha’s voice before relaxing, maybe everything would be ok. Toni isn’t ready to mention this confusion to all her other friends but at least she has Martha for now.