I don't belong here
Toni sat on the floor of the meeting room playing with trucks when her name was called by her court appointed counselor. “Toni dear, how do you feel about Monday? You get to go home with your mother, what does that make you think about?”
Toni looked up at Mrs. Taylor and shrugged. What was she supposed to say? What did they expect from her? She’s never lived with her mother before, at least not that she can remember. If asked, Toni couldn’t tell you why she lived with strangers or got moved around a lot. She once overheard Mr. Ryan, in her third foster home, say her mom had a “drug problem”? Whatever that means. Mrs. Taylor keeps talking about her mom being “clean” now, what does that mean? Toni doesn’t really care about any of it, its just another moving day for her, like when she left Mrs. Jazmine, or Mr. Ryan, or that family when she was really little…the…the…shoot Toni can’t remember their names but they were really nice to Toni. Anyway, this is just another house of strangers to Toni, at least this time Toni has some history with the stranger, even if it’s just been once a week since she could remember. She knows she’s supposed to be excited about going back to her mom, but how can she when she doesn’t really know her.
She’s just numb about the whole situation. “Toni, are you listening to me, sweetie?” Toni, realizing she was spacing out again, met Mrs. Taylor’s eyes again.
“What?”
“I asked how you felt about going back to your mom’s. Are you excited? Nervous? Worried? How do you feel honey?”
“Ok, I guess? I don’t really know.”
“That’s ok honey, do you want to talk about that?”
“I know you want me to be happy, mom wants me to be happy, Mrs. Lily wants me to be happy, but I’m not sure. I don’t remember living with her. She’s nice I guess, but she doesn’t know me. She painted my room pink! She gave me a doll for my last birthday. She still calls me Antonia…I don’t like that! I like Toni!” Toni started yelling as she looked away from the counselor as she clenched her fists.
Mrs. Taylor could see the anger rising in young Toni and she needed to get her to calm down before she started throwing things again. “Toni, Toni look at me, please?”
Toni looked up at Mrs. Taylor again with tears in her eyes, “Honey, I know this is scary for you, you feel like you’re moving in with another stranger, but the good thing about going home with your mom is now you get the chance to get to know her. She also gets the chance to know you, you can tell her about everything that you enjoy so that she can learn who you are. I know you don’t really understand what I mean but you will. Trust me honey, this is a good thing, for both of you.”
Toni wasn’t sure if she believed Mrs. Taylor or not but she was kind of excited to understand what her friends got to have every time they went home. A parent to love and protect her, someone that would worry when she was late getting home. Someone to call when she got in trouble at school, or even someone to come to her soccer games, or maybe some day her basketball games. She’s spent a lot of time around Mrs. Blackburn and Mrs. Rilke, to the point that she knows what a mom is supposed to be like, but she wants to be able to experience that herself.
It was Toni’s last night with the Jones family, and she couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the yelling and fighting from Mr. Mickeal and Mrs. Pam, she got use to that a long time ago. She wasn’t going to miss the yelling when she left. She couldn’t sleep because her mind was racing about moving in with her mom for the first time, or maybe again? Does it count if Toni can’t remember the first time? After a long two hours Toni was able to convince herself to sleep. Would her mom’s house be quiet at night like Mrs. Jazmine’s house, or even Mr. Rob’s although Jamie would cry sometimes and wake her up. That night she dreamed about a life with her mom, playing games, family meals, being tucked in at night…maybe Mrs. Taylor was right, and this was a good thing.
Toni awoke the next day to banging on her door, it was Mr. Mickeal. He yanked open the door and said in a booming voice. “Wake up. It’s time to go.” He left without waiting for a response.
Toni rolled over and climbed out of bed with an annoyance. She managed to get her feet under her before standing up and walking to the corner where everything she owned was thrown into a trash bag. Toni picked up the bag before leaving that room for the last time, refusing to look back. She walked down the hall to the front door when she saw Mrs. Lily standing in the doorway talking to Pam and Mickeal. Toni’s heart raced as she walked to the door.
“You ready to go Toni?” Mrs. Lily asked.
Toni nodded before turning to look up at Pam and Mickeal, “Goodbye.” Toni said in a meek voice. She could see Johnny standing around the corner staring daggers at her. Toni wasn’t going to miss this house at all, she thought as she followed her case worker to her car.
The drive was short and quiet, not from lack of trying on Mrs. Lily’s part, Toni just didn’t know what else she was supposed to say. When they pulled up to Toni’s new home, she could see her mother, Lauren, standing in the doorway with a huge smile on her face. Toni opened the car door and stepped out as Mrs. Lily grabbed Toni’s garbage bag of belongings from the trunk. Toni walked up to her mother who held out her arms for a hug, which Toni reluctantly gave. The case worker lead Toni and Lauren inside the house before setting the bag down and kneeling in front of Toni.
“Alright hon, this is it, I will be back in a couple days to check on you and your mom, ok? You be good now.”
Toni watched Mrs. Lily leave the house as she felt her mom place a hand on her shoulder. “Would you like to see your room, Antonia?” Toni shrugged before following her mom to her new room. Toni knew what to expect but her heart still dropped at the sight of the pink room, dolls everywhere, the embodiment of things Toni didn’t enjoy. She stood in the middle of the room while her mom went to get Toni’s bag. Lauren placed the bag on the ground before telling Toni she would help her unpack.
Toni didn’t own a lot of things, just a handful of clothes that consist of holes and tares. An eight-pointed star necklace she received from Shelby as a birthday gift a couple months ago. Shelby had drawn the first initials of everyone in their groups on each of the points. It sat heavy on Toni’s neck, but she refuses to every take it off. She also had a teddy bear, Martha’s favorite, that Toni received when she told her friends she was going to live with her mom again. Most other things she owned had been lost to the system. Thinking about the system always made Toni sad so out of reflex she grabbed the necklace around her neck and started to fiddle with it. Toni watched her mom unpack her belongings before her mom asked her if she wanted to take off her necklace. Toni started to freakout, worried that her mother would take away her necklace like previous foster families had taken other personal items from her.
Lauren held up her hands and apologize, “I’m sorry, honey, I was just trying to help, you look sad though are you alright Antonia?”
That was it for Toni, “My name is Toni!” Toni stomped her foot, “I’m Toni! Pink is stupid! I hate dolls, you don’t know me!” Toni grabbed a doll from the shelf and throw it against the wall.
Lauren grabbed Toni’s arms and held them against her side, Toni fought trying to free her hands. After being unsuccessful Toni started to calm down as she once again met her mother’s eyes, “Your right baby, I don’t, but you’re my baby and I want to learn everything about you. How about tomorrow we go to the store and pick out somethings you would like alright?”
Toni stayed silent for a moment before saying “Ok”.
Keeping her word, Lauren took Toni out the following day for a new wardrobe and some toys. Toni ended up picking out a basketball and a soccer ball. For the first time in a long time, Toni was excited for her new placement. Maybe this won’t be so bad.
Toni would settle into life with her mom over the next couple of months. There were bumps because of course there were. The first time Toni got into a fight at school over a playground scuffle Lauren was at a loss for how to deal with it. After picking Toni up that day Lauren started to scold Toni about the fight and Toni, still harboring some anger, started yelling back.
“Antonia, you can’t be getting into fights, do you know what would happen if you keep doing things like that? The system will take you away from me! Do you understand? I don’t know where this anger is coming from, but you need to nip it in the bud.”
“Why? He started it!”
“I don’t care! You need to have better control!”
“Shut up!” Toni yelled as they pulled up to the house, she left the car and ran into the house, went straight to her room slammed her bedroom door. Toni’s anger has always been an issue but what could she do about it? Life is unfair and it hasn’t been nice to her. She didn’t know why she got so angry all the time, just that she did. Living with her mom wasn’t helping either because she yelled a lot, and sometime random men would come into the house for a day or two. Toni didn’t like any of them, they were all either weird or ignored Toni all together. When the first one showed up Toni though he might have been her dad and her mom was finally going to let her meet him, but that was quickly proven wrong when he walked past her without even a sideways glance. Adjusting to her new life was difficult for Toni and she has no idea how to handle all of her emotions.
After that fight, the house was tense as Toni kept getting into fights and pushing her mother’s buttons. She was throwing things, breaking anything she could get her hands on, and her mom was quickly getting exhausted. She had no idea how much work a child like Toni could be. She was also still fighting the cravings, and it was getting harder every day to ignore it, replacing the need with sex and parenting, but that wouldn’t last her long. She wasn’t ready for this responsibility, she though she was, but maybe she wasn’t strong enough.
After living with her mom for half a year now, Toni was starting to notice weird things. The men still come around but sometimes instead of looking clean and put together, these men looked disheveled and jumpy. They reminded Toni of the pictures she found lying around Mrs. Lily’s office when she would leave Toni there in between homes. The pictures of her mom before Toni got sent away. They scared Toni and she hated them for that. It took some time for Toni to notice that her mom was starting to look like those men to. She started to space out, she was losing weight, and had trouble focusing when Toni would ask her a question. Toni wasn’t sure how to feel until she once again got into a fight and her mom didn’t answer the calls from the school. Toni sat in the principal’s office for hours until school ended. The principal sighed and told Toni to tell her mother to call the school the following day.
Toni stood outside waiting for her mother, she watched Dot, Leah, and Fatin loading into the school buses, Martha, Shelby, Nora, and Rachel getting picked up by their parents. While Toni sat there waiting for a parent that wouldn’t show. After an hour of waiting Toni was the last student standing outside. She was staring down at her shoes when she heard a voice next to her.
“Toni, dear, do you know where your mom is?”
Toni shook her head refusing to meet her teacher’s eyes. Toni only looked up once she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Come inside Toni, we’ll try to call your mom again.”
Toni stood and followed her teacher back into the principal’s office. After three calls Lauren answered the phone in a groggy voice, “Hello?”
“Miss. Shalifoe? Is everything alright? Toni is here at the school still waiting to be picked up.”
“Shit what time is it? Alright I’m on my way, sorry about this.”
“You will have to come inside to the main office and speak with Principal William over an incident that occurred earlier today as well.”
“Alright, fine. I’ll be there soon.”
Lauren arrived fifteen minutes later, looking like she had just rolled out of bed, which was true in any case. She trudged into the principal’s office in slippers, messy hair, and a stained shirt. She looked down at Toni sitting across from the principal and sighed as she sat in the seat next to Toni.
“What happened earlier?” Lauren asked Principal William.
“Another fight I’m afraid, that’s the third one in as many weeks. One more incident and we might have to consider expulsion. I recommend you take her to talk to someone about these outbursts.”
“Of course, I will get right on that, but right now I just want to get Toni home.”
“Sure, Miss. Shalifoe, we just need to discuss a few things regarding the fight first.”
When the conversation was over Toni and her mother climbed into their car and Lauren started to drive. Toni sat there waiting for the weekly argument about fights, but it never arrived, instead they sat in silence for the whole drive. When arriving home Lauren left the car without a word and Toni followed reluctantly. She though her mom would say something as soon as they entered the house but instead Lauren went straight to her room to lay down. Toni was perplexed as she also headed to her room as well.
Things started to get weirder as the days progressed and Toni was getting confused. She was once playing in the living room when her mom came in and started to yell about random things, her sentences not even being strung together. Another time she was looking for her toothbrush in the bathroom and found an empty tube with a sharp tip, she didn’t know what it was for, so she asked her mom, who freaked out and snatched it from her hands. Toni got grounded for two weeks for that incident. After the first time Lauren forgot Toni at school, she decided to show her how to walk home by herself just in case. Toni would need to walk home several times over the next few weeks. After walking home for the eighth time, and being locked out on four different occasions, Lauren finally decided to give Toni her own key, if only so she could keep sleeping. Which lead to Toni walking in on some weird things, like a group of strangers sitting around their living room, all acting irritable like her mother, Toni ended up spending that whole day in her room.
Toni had learned by this point that any small incident could mean another move, and Toni wanted to avoid that. Her mother might be losing her interest of staying together but Toni didn’t want to be put with strangers again. Lately the only times the house have been clean is when they have a CPS visit. Toni being the only one willing to clean the house despite how many people come in and out the door at all hours. Toni tried everything she could think of to keep Mrs. Lily happy, but it was bound to be too much one day.
Unfortunately for Toni that day happened to be her birthday. Toni’s never had a birthday party like her friends but that doesn’t stop them from trying to make her smile. They sang to her at recess, much to Toni’s embarrassment, they gave her gifts and made plans to hang out that weekend. At the end of the day, Toni was walking home again, with a hop in her step, Toni was excited. She was going to ask her mom if she could have her first birthday party this weekend. She wants to experience everything she missed out on with her mother. She ran up to her door and unlocked it yelling inside, “Mom! Mom! Can I have a party this weekend for my birthday?”
Toni was met with silence, she looked around the cluttered living room covered in beer bottles and trash, her mother no where in sight. Toni walked down the hall looking into each room until she reached her mother’s closed bedroom door. She twisted the knob, pushed the door open a crack, and stuck her head around the door to peek inside. She saw her mom laying face down on her bed, fast asleep, that was normal. What wasn’t normal though was the lack of noise. Lauren is a massive snorer in both light sleep and deep sleep, but today Lauren was quiet, she didn’t make a single sound even as Toni crossed the room to stand by her bed. Toni’s hand hovered over her mom for a second as she worked up the nerve to place it on her mom’s back and shake her side to side.
“Mom, you need to wake up, ok? Wake up.” Toni shook her harder as her voice started to waver, Lauren’s head turned towards Toni and she could see her empty unblinking eyes, “Mom, mom, come on, I don’t like this game!” Toni started to cry loudly.
After a few minutes Toni decided she needed help, but who? Toni started to shake as she backed away from her mom, when she felt the door frame hit her back she finally turned around and ran through the house until she made it outside. She tripped on the steps right outside the front door and scraped her knee. She tried to keep crying quiet as she looked around until she saw an adult running up to her. It took a minute for her to realize that the woman in front of her was the neighbor next-door.
“Toni, what’s going on? Why are you running? Where’s your mother?”
“Mom…mommy isn’t moving, she won’t wake up!” Toni started to cry again. Her neighbor picked her up before walking into the house. She sat Toni on the couch before rushing into the back bedroom. Toni had no idea what she was doing but she stayed sitting on the couch crying and wishing for her mom to wake up. After a quiet fifteen minutes Toni hear sirens and could see flashing lights though the still open door. Paramedics rushed into the house ignoring Toni on the couch, she heard talking and banging for her mom’s room, but she couldn’t make herself stand up to investigate. She stayed rooted on the couch even as she watched the strangers carry her mom out on a strange looking bed. Toni followed her neighbor after hearing her name being called. She offered to give Toni a ride to the hospital and to stay with her until CPS arrived to talk to her about what happened.
Toni sat in the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room when she saw Mrs. Lily walking up to her. Toni stood up and walked up to her as soon as their eyes meet. Mrs. Lily sighed as she thanked Toni’s neighbor for her help before turning to Toni “I’m sorry this happened again, Toni. We all wanted to believe she got better but I guess she didn’t. Your mom is stable for now, she will be ok, but she will have to be sent away for a while again. Which unfortunately means you will need to be placed again. We can go see your mom for a minute before going to collect your things and you will have to stay at the office tonight if we can’t find you an emergency placement tonight. Come along.”
Mrs. Lily started to walk away as Toni reluctantly followed her into the nearby room. Toni stared at her mother laying in the hospital bed and all Toni could see was a stranger once again. She laid there hooked up to many different machines, tubes and wires everywhere, track marks of dots going up and down her arm, severely underweight, it scared Toni. Her mother looked like a monster rather then someone who is sick, and Toni just wanted to leave that room. After saying a quiet goodbye to her mom, Toni followed Mrs. Lily out of the hospital to head to her house and gather what little possessions she had.
Toni sat in Mrs. Lily’s car staring out the window. She though this time would be different, she though living with her mom would be different, but it was just the same. Another house of strangers and now she had to move again. Toni should be use to it by now but after ten months living at home, she was so sure it would be ok. That’s what she gets for hoping she guesses.
Staring out the window as they pulled up to the home that is no longer hers, she only had one thought, ‘Happy 10th birthday, Toni.’