Let me breathe
“Leah, honey! We have to leave! You’re going to be late for school!” Kurt yelled up the stairs as he checked his watch. He was already late for work and Leah was going to be late for school if she didn’t hurry up. Leah ran down the stairs trying to shove her notebook into her backpack. “Slow down, baby, you’re going to fall down the stairs.” Kurt said as Leah ran past him and out the front door. Kurt started to follow Leah outside when he heard her scream. Kurt ran outside to find Leah on the ground trying to back away from something in the yard. A brown garden hose that Kurt had left in the yard the day before. It took a minute for Kurt to realize that Leah had mistaken the hose for a snake, a snake similar to the one that bit her a few months back. Kurt picked up the hose and tossed it on the side of the house before kneeling in front of Leah.
“Leah, look at me baby, look at me, please.”
Kurt knelt in front of Leah and put his hands on her shoulders only for Leah to yank backwards. Kurt held his hands up and tried to talk to Leah again. “Baby, can you breathe with me? Inhale…exhale…in…out, good job baby.” Leah’s heart rate slowed down as she started to stand on shaking legs.
“Can you see me baby?” Kurt asked as Leah looked up at him and nodded. With her breathing finally under control her father asked “Do you feel ok to go to school? Or do you want to stay home? I’ll call into work.”
Leah shook her head, it’s only the first day of third grade and Leah really wants to see her friends. Kurt, reluctantly, said OK and loaded Leah into the car. Kurt entered the driver’s seat and drove to Hopewell elementary. They arrived with five minutes to spare, Kurt and Leah exited the car, Kurt grabbing Leah’s hand as he walked her inside the school and to her classroom. He knelt next to her classroom to ask Leah once again if she was ok, after receiving a yes, Kurt let Leah enter the classroom before finally heading out for work.
Leah looked around the classroom for a minute before a smile took over her face at the sight of her friends. This year she got put in the same class as Fatin, Dot, Rachel, and Nora. Leah was talking to Fatin and Dot when the teacher, Mr. Grant, called all the kids to attention. “Alright kids, I’m Mr. Grant and welcome to the third grade I hope you are all as excited as I am to be here.” The day continued like any other until after recess when Mr. Grant received a phone call. The teacher’s assistant had taken a few kids to the restroom, Fatin included, while the rest of the kids were tasked with math problems. The class phone rang within the silence of the room. When Mr. Grant answered, his face seemed to drop as he looked around the classroom. After a short conversation Mr. Grant hung up the phone to address his class.
“Alright kids, who remembers the color game we play every year?” Mr. Grant was met with a combination of confused faces and excited ones. “For those who don’t remember, the color game is just a big game of hide and seek that the whole school plays, the game starts with Mr. Matt, the principal, announcing a color, if he says code red, that means, we lock the door’s and cover all windows. Mr. Matt will check all the doors, if we keep them locked, we win. If Mr. Matt says code black, then we once again lock the doors and cover the windows, but we also will gather at the back of the classroom. During code black, Mr. Matt is going to make a lot of noise in the hallways, banging, yelling, messing with doorknobs, all kinds of sounds. Our job is to stay as quiet as possible, if Mr. Matt hears any sound from this room we lose the game. When Mr. Matt says code green that means the game is over, alright? Now the game can accrue at any point though out the school year, we will play the first game today, but all the rest will be on random days at random times. Ok everyone go back to your math problems until the announcement.”
It would only take three minutes for Mr. Matt to announce the code black. Mr. Grant gathered all the kids to the back corner, Leah taking a seat next to Dot. Leah, for the first time, started to see what this game actually was, an active shooter drill. She thought about the codes for a minute and believes she figured it out, green meant everything is fine, red someone is trying to get in the building and black is the scariest. Black means someone is in the building. Leah’s heart started to race thinking about the drills and what they could really mean when she finally noticed a bigger problem. The teacher’s assistant was still out of the classroom, which means Fatin was still outside the classroom. The thought made Leah start to get scared as her mind raced.
‘She’s alone now, what can you do?’ ‘You can’t help her.’ ‘You let her go alone’ ‘what if this was real? What would you do?’ ‘Your no help to any of your friends, why do they keep you around?’
The thoughts ran wild in Leah’s head as she was terrified for the second time today. She started to hyperventilate and shake. Dot sat next to Leah begging her to breathe in a whispered breath. Then the banging started, followed by the yelling, and moving of door handles. Hearing this, the damn finally broke and Leah started to cry. Before Mr. Grant was able to tell Leah to quiet down, Dot quickly covered her mouth with her right hand while holding Leah closer to her side with the left one. When Mr. Matt and his team finally reached their classroom, Leah started to disassociate, and she began to feel lightheaded. It was quiet afterwards for the next eight minutes until Mr. Matt’s voice came over the intercom.
“Students and Faculty of Hopewell Elementary, I just want to thank you for your participation in the code game today, we are officially in code green again. Everyone please return to your lessons and enjoy the rest of your day.” The intercom clicked off as the class started to head back to their seats. Leah was the only one completely unresponsive to the announcement and had to be helped to her seat by Dot and Rachel. They lifted her on to shaking legs and walked her over to the desks. Dot was in the middle of asking Leah what had happened when they heard the door open. It was the teacher’s assistant and the children she took to the restroom before the code game. When Fatin walked though the doorway Leah finally reacted by jumping up from her seat and rushing to hug Fatin. Fatin, being completely caught of guard, stumbled for a second before regaining her balance and hugging Leah back. Mr. Grant tried to get Leah to sit back down but she was inconsolable. After ten minutes Leah was finally calm enough to sit back down.
Fatin sat down and looked at Dot, Rachel, and Nora in confusion, “What happened?” and all she received in return was shoulder shrugs. Mr. Grant would later call Kurt and Maryann to bring up his concerns about Leah, but they all eventually agreed that it was most likely nerves from the shooter drill.
The next couple of weeks would go by smoothly without incident until one day on the playground when Leah wasn’t paying attention. She made the mistake of crossing in front of the swings that were currently occupied by Martha and Toni. Toni, seeing Leah right in front of her tried to stop herself but it was too late. Toni and the swing collided with Leah knocking her off balance, Leah fell and rolled straight into the soccer field. After she finally stopped rolling Leah looked at the sky as she lost her breath and started to hyperventilate once again. She couldn’t get it back, not even as Martha and Toni appeared in her line of sight.
“I’m sooo sorry Leah! Are you ok?!”
“Rachel! Get Mr. Grant!” Dot yelled as she stopped the soccer game she was playing with a group of other kids. Dot ran to her friends and slid to a stop next to Leah who still couldn’t catch her breath.
After a long five minutes, Mr. Grant appeared withing sight with Rachel by his side. Mr. Grant knelt beside them and asked, “What happened?” in a calm demeanor.
“She walked in front of the swing, I couldn’t stop, I tried!” Toni said as her face fell watching her friend struggling to breathe.
Mr. Grant turned Leah’s head to look at him and said in a calm voice, “Leah, honey, can you hear me? I think you just got the wind knocked out of you, you’ll be ok but we need to get you off the ground ok?”
After receiving a small nod, Mr. Grant put his hand under her shoulder to hold her steady as she slowly stood up. “Ok honey we are going to see the nurse alright, the rest of you head back to the classroom and wait for me there, recess is almost over.” The girls watched Mr. Grant and Leah walk away, worried about their friends and wondering what was happening to her.
Sitting in the nurse’s office Leah was nervous looking at the white walls sitting on that uncomfortable bed Leah started to loss focus, unsure of how to feel being in this room. She watched Mr. grant talk to nurse Anderson in voices so low she couldn’t hear them. Mr. Grant looked at Leah and smiled, “I’ll be back in a little bit, just relax kid, you’re going to be fine.”
Leah sat there as nurse Anderson started to check her vitals and vision, checking for any sign of a concussion. During this, Leah started to hyperventilate again, she was flooded with thoughts and sound from her stay in the hospital. She could hear it all, the beeps from machines, the scuff of shoes in the hallway, the whispers of the doctors who stood over her when she was first waking up, the sound of crying coming from her mom, it all became to much. Nurse Anderson finally noticed something was wrong when she was listening to Leah’s heart rate and noticed it was vastly increasing. “Leah, are you alright?” Leah tried to focus but couldn’t meet nurse Anderson’s eyes. “Honey, can you breathe for me?” After Leah managed to shake her head no, nurse Anderson started to mentally track her symptoms, trouble breathing, shaking, sweating, increased heart rate. “Leah, can you look at me please, I need you to breathe with me alright?” Nurse Anderson knelt in front of Leah and told her to follow her breathing. “Breathe with me, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, you will get though this honey, this is going to pass in a minute. I think you are having a panic attack, they normally last a few minutes, ok? Just keep breathing.”
After an excruciating 30 minutes Leah was finally able to calm her breathing. Nurse Anderson smiled at Leah when she looked down at her. “Now Leah, I need you to think, has this happened before? Here at school or maybe at home?” Leah shrugged as she looked away, “Ok honey no problem, I have to call Mr. Grant and your parents. Why don’t you lay down while I make the calls, I will be right back.”
After a while, Kurt showed up to the school to pick up Leah, worried out of his mind. Kurt decided to take Leah out of school for the rest of the day. After Mr. Grant’s assistant came to drop off Leah’s stuff, Kurt carried Leah, who had fallen asleep, on his left shoulder as he carried her backpack in his right hand. He loaded her into the car along with her backpack. After buckling her in, Kurt entered the driver’s seat and started the car. On the ride home he called Maryann to inform her that he left work and grabbed Leah from school after another episode. “She’s fine, I think, but I also think we should talk to someone about this, this isn’t the first time and I’m starting to get worried.” “Maybe you’re right. We’ll talk about it when I get home.” Kurt hung up before looking in his rearview mirror to look at Leah still sleeping in the back. “What’s happening with you baby?” Kurt whispered to himself as he pulled into his driveway. He exited the car before grabbing Leah and taking her inside.
Kurt and Maryann decided to take Leah to see her doctor the following day, hoping to finally understand what was happening with their daughter. They were sitting in the waiting room, Leah reading a book she found, Kurt watching the news playing on the waiting room tv, and Maryann scrolling though her phone reading emails and responding to clients. After an hour of watching families disappear behind the white doors of the reception area, Leah’s name was finally called, they all stood up and followed the nurse into the back rooms.
“Alright, Leah, I’m nurse Kailee, do you remember me?”
“Yes.” Leah said in a meek voice as she looked around the room. Nurse Kailee started performing a physical on Leah, after a few minutes of standard questions Nurse Kailee left the room informing them that doctor Rayman would be in shortly.
Kurt looked up at his daughter, seeing her shaking leg he asked, “Leah, how do you feel honey? Are you nervous?”
“I don’t like it here; I want to go home.”
Maryann signed, “We know honey, but we have to figure out what’s going on, this is starting to scare us ok?”
“Ok mommy.” Leah said just as Dr. Raymon walked, “well good morning Mr. and Mrs. Rilke, good morning young Leah,” Dr. Raymon sat down at his computer and opened the file in his hand. “So it seems we are here because you have experienced some problems with your breathing and shaking.” Dr. Raymon said as he looked down at Leah’s still shaking leg. “So how many episodes have there been?” Dr. Raymon asked as he looked up at Kurt and Maryann.
“Two so fa…”
“Three.” Leah cut of her father’s answer.
“Three? Ok, lets start from the beginning then, when did the first one happened?”
“A couple weeks ago, we were leaving the house when she fell and couldn’t breathe.”
“I though the hose was a snake.” Leah said in a quiet voice.
“Really? Alright what about the second time?”
“Same day we played the code game at school, for active shooters, and my friend was missing, I was scared.”
“And the most recent?”
“She got kicked at school, rolled down a small hill into a soccer field.”
“Like the hill she rolled down when she got bite?”
“Yes, I believe so…Why? Do you think this has something to do with the snake?” Maryann asked.
“It’s possible, now Leah when these episodes happen, what are you thinking about? Are you nervous? Scared? Worried? Do you feel like you are out of control of the things around you?”
Leah finally looked up and said “Yes, I feel lost.”
“Have you felt that any other time then when you have an episode?”
“It happens a lot.”
“Do you fidget a lot? With your hands? Shaking your leg? Anything like that?”
Leah looked down at where she was wringing her hands together and forced them to stop before responding “Yes, a lot.”
After a few more questions Dr. Raymon finally thinks he know what’s happening, “I think Leah has developed an anxiety disorder which is leading to these panic attacks, it’s most likely been happening since she was young, but the snake attack might have created triggers, like the garden hose or falling down a hill. Now having an anxiety disorder isn’t anything new so there are ways to handle it, medication, which I don’t recommend until the late teen years except in extreme cases. There’s therapy and self-regulation.”
“How does one self-regulate anxiety?” Kurt asked out of curiosity.
“It mostly comes down to recognizing the signs before it happens and having family and friends around that know how to handle a panic attack. The most popular is the 4-7-8 method. It’s very simple, you breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds and then exhale for eight seconds. You repeat that until your breathing is under control. Another method is the senses method. For this one you would have Leah go down the list of senses, naming five things she sees, four things she can feel, three things she can hear, two things she can smell, and one she can taste.”
“Do these techniques work?” Maryann asked concerned as she looked over at Leah.
“Yes, they are very effective in grounding a person either in the middle or on the verge of a panic attack. If you both learn how to help Leah though these attacks and how to help her keep her anxiety under control, then her attacks will be less frequent, and she will be better equipped to handle her anxiety as she gets older. This isn’t something that will go away but it is something that can be managed better the earlier its noticed and in Leah’s case it was caught very early so Leah will be just fine.”
For the first time in what feels like forever all of the Rilke’s could finally breathe.
Leah had always liked learning, facts had always interested her, learning something new about herself though? That was a scary thought. Over the next couple weeks Maryann and Kurt would research more about anxiety disorders in order to help their daughter. Leah would have two more panic attacks that Maryann and Kurt were both able to walk her through. When it came to school, however, things got a bit more complicated. Leah had no idea how to explain to her friends what is happening to her. It would take another panic attack at recess for her to finally open up. Someone had started yelling about a snake on the far side of the playground while Leah was reading her book. At the word her scar started to itch, and her breathing got heavy. Dot, Rachel, and Toni were about to run to check out the snake when they were called back my Martha. They turned to see Martha, Fatin, Shelby, and Nora crowded around Leah as she tried to control her breathing. After a very long five minutes of watching Leah slow down her breathing and wringing her hands she could finally look her friends in the eyes.
“Leah…What’s happening?” Fatin asked, her voice starting to quiver. Leah sighed before saying “My doctor said I have anxiety, it’s scary sometime, but my mommy and daddy are learning how to help and teaching me how to help myself. Doctor Raymon even taught us so exercises for my panic attacks.”
“Do they work?” Shelby asked as she sat down next to Leah.
“Most of the time, its hard doing it myself, its easier if mommy or daddy talks to me.” Leah replied. They all sat at the base of the tree, talking for the rest of recess trying to ignore the teachers catching the snake and removing it from the playground. When their teachers finally call to them, they all stood up and started to race to the doors. All except for Fatin who grabbed Leah’s arm as she tried to go around her.
Leah looked from the hand on her arm up to a nervous looking Fatin. “Would you…would you show me the exercises?”
“You want to learn them?”
“Ya… you said its better when someone helps you, right? Well I want to be able to help you to, I don’t like seeing you like that.”
“Oh, ok, I can show you if you really want.”
“I do, and I bet the others would to if you talk to them.”
Their conversation was cut of when they heard Mr. Grant call for them. “Fatin, Leah, its time to come inside!”
Fatin looked at Mr. grant before going back to Leah, she smiled at her before letting go of Leah’s arm to instead grab her hand in her own and pulling her forward to their classroom.