Shame (Hashirama)
It was early. Too early for his liking at least. His habit of sleeping in, whenever he could, was well known by the people around him, but today, just like the night before, his mind hadn't been able to find much needed rest. He had been sitting in his office for a few hours now, but it felt much shorter. The sun hadn't even begun to rise, but after what had accured, he couldn't waste his time with dreaming at home. He had to do something. He noticed just now that a pale hue of orange had started to paint the small clouds above, the canvases of the sky. When he had come here, only stars had been there. Time was running by too quickly.
Hashirama let out a long sigh, that had had been sitting there for a while. Afterwards, he pressed his lips into a fine line. He set aside his pencil, right next to the letter. He hid his face in his empty, nearly trembling hands. They smelt like ink and, only if you paid very close attention, a little bit of sake. He had needed to calm his nerves one way or another, before he had started writing.
The brunette wanted to punch himself badly, a feeling he had become too familar these days, but that wouldn't change a single thing about his situation. His eyes peaked though his fingers and wandered towards the burnt-down candle, that had illuminated those walls during the long and dark morning hours. It was taunting him. Everything in this room was taunting him.
What had he done?
Madara had been furious because of him, because of his words, because of his actions. Hashirama didn't even need to smell the beta's scent as confirmation, even though this had never been an option to begin with. He probably was still upset. Rightfully so, the Senju had to admit. He had lied to him, not just as a friend, but as the Hokage to his co-founder.
Of course, he felt guilty, but his own feelings didn't really matter now. His own shame wouldn't undo his past decision, couldn't erase them, wouldn't make his wrongdoings right. It was too late for that.
He would never be able to forget how Madara's eyes had looked at him as if something behind them had been shattered to millions of pieces.
Some of his clansmen often said, eyes were the window to your soul, but the implications of that phrase made Hashirama only made the acid of his stomach boil over, so he chose not to think about this metaphor any further.
What had he expected? He had even tried to argue back all of the sudden. Was he in the wrong because of his sympathy for the Uzumaki? Maybe they really needed help. Maybe they-
Stop!
He had to banish this line of thinking once and for all into the farthest corner of his mind. He was the Hokage of Konoha! Therefore, the village's security had to be at the top of his priorities. Why did he have to remind himself so often about that? That shouldn't be the case.
Those distant relatives of his had never officially asked for help, just offered Mito Uzumaki for marriage.
Was he reading too much between the lines? Maybe Konoha was just their backup plan? Was he breaking his mind over nothing?
"Ah!" Hashirama whined. His hands traveled from his face upwards. His fingers wrapped themselves around strands of hair. He pulled a little. It made him feel grounded.
Why had he kept so quiet about a matter this urgent? Had he thought he could prevent this argument from happening if he just didn't talk about it? Had he secretly thought, he would protect his friend by staying quiet?
He closed his eyes, the image of Madara's silhouette on the other end of the hallway was appearing in the darkness in front of him. It was a mortifying image, which only made the rock laying on his chest heavier. The Uchiha hadn't even turned around, hadn't wanted to see him anymore. It had been just his silhouette. Just like that day on the cliff.
An icy wall of distrust had been built between them in the matter of a few minutes and it was only his fault. His fault. At the moment, it had been clear, he had to leave. Should he try again today? Should he visit Madara and apologize once more?
Probably not empty handed. He needed to tie up loose ends first.
He had caused this pain, how could he dare to think he was the person to comfort his friend again? Would you seek warmth from the flames, that had burned your skin before? Noone would.
It was ignorant to think he could act as if nothing happened.
Madara wasn't a helpless kid. He was the leader of the Uchiha, a strong shinobi. He didn't need his comfort and Hashirama didn't deserve to comfort him.
Rationally, the Senju knew, his friend could not avoid him for the rest of his life, but would there ever be the same level of trust? Would they ever sit together again, would Madara let him care for his wounds? Would he feel so comfortable, that his words would slip out without him realizing it like yesterday?
Hashirama had actually never been that interested in falconry before. He had always been more invested in nurturing his growing collection of Bonsai trees, whenever he had found the time within his full schedule. But now he wanted to do nothing more. Somehow, Madara's passion had spilled over. Maybe he just wanted an excuse to spend time with the Uchiha again.
He thought about the scen once again. The raven's body language had totally changed from the uncomfortable conversation they had had earlier, as he explained the fundamentals of his favorite free time activity.
His movement was noticibly more fluid than earlier, no stiffness was left in his arms and hands. Those dark eyes, which usually remained stoic and composed, had opened up in childlike joy and innocent love for his winged companions now named Haya and Kin. It had felt good, uncomplicated, easy. The simplicity reminded him of their childhood days together.
Hashirama wanted to see that again, feel like that again. His soul yearned to see this untroubled smile. It had been beautiful. Hashirama didn't try to unpack, why he had felt so captivated by it. Because they were friends and nothing more, he said to himself. He settled for this explanation, because definitions didn't really matter at the moment.
Because he ruined it, ruined the moment, ruined everything. The eyes had turned from black to red, the muscles of his face had hardened, his hands had seamlessly turned to fists and the defensive silhouette was the only thing he had been allowed to see.
He didn't want things to be like this between them. He would never want that! There had to be a way to fix everything. There always was, wasn't it?
Hashirama dipped his head to the right and looked down at the third attempt of the letter, he had been trying to write for the past hours. His right foot tipped nervously on the ground.
This was supposed to be his answer to the Uzumaki.
The denial of the marriage proposal.
Hashirama read the paragraphs again. He hated them immediately. They were still overblown, he would never talk like this in person. Too formal, too official. Maybe they were too harsh, as well?
It was a blurry mess of black letters for his tired eyes. Words began to lose meaning to him if they had been repeated too often.
He should let someone else read it. His brother was probably already on his way here. He was always busy, had work or research to do. A cold shudder went down Hashirama's spine. He would be angry, wouldn't he?
The Hokage left his chair and walked towards one of the large windows of his office. He admired the village, envisioned all the people living there. The peace he had always wanted. A union of the strong to protect the weak. The Uchiha compound caught his attention at last.
A sad smile was formed on his lips. Madara would surely not attend the anniversary celebration by his side. Hashirama would understand his decision, would never hold it against him after their confrontation yesterday. It was his fault, but the Senju still hoped his friend would come on his own. He had needed Madara to be part of this.
Was he too obsessed with the absurd thought, that Madara could turn his back on the village?
That was it, wasn't it?
His great fear.
The cause of his anxiety, of his irrationality. He couldn't stop thinking about it, since he had this impression a few days ago. It was a crazy notion. Konoha was also Madara's dream. He would never leave his clan, his people, or even him.
Even if Hashirama made stupid decisions, even if he acted without realizing the consequences, even if-
Hashirama pushed the palm of his right hand against his chest and took a deep breath. Anguish was rushing through his veins. Shame was laying on his mind like a suffocating blanket.
But there was also something else, something light-weight.
After a second, Hashirama identified those fluttery feelings inside his chest as selfish relief. He didn't have to marry a stranger. He was well aware, that this was the smallest problem of the bunch, but the tiny tendency to feel a little bit happy was his last option to not completely drown in negativity. So he clung to this lifeline.
All of a sudden, quick footsteps echoed in the hallway. He could sense a strong and familiar chakra approach him. Hashirama turned his head towards the door. Tobirama was actually coming, just as he thought.
The door was opened and his brother's gaze caught his immediately, before it wandered skeptically from his face towards his feet and then back up again. He was searching for something, checking upon him. His left hand shielded his nose and mouth at the same time.
"Big brother, is there a particular reason, why your foul scent is distressing everyone that enters this building?" His voice was muffled due to his hand, but the harsh tone was still clear as day. Hashirama knew, that blunt annoyance always was the way Tobirama tried to downplay his true emotions. He was actually worried about him.
Hashirama smelt the air and his face lit up in embarrassment. He hadn't noticed it before, but his scent actually dominated everything else in the room, told everybody about the miserable state of mind, he had found himself in. And according to Tobirama, the bitterness and shame could be smelt in the entire building. He had completely forgotten to control it, while he was writing the letter for the past hours.
The Senju cleared his throat, tried to keep his pheromones at a reasonable level again. He usually shared his emotions with the people around him, laid his cards open, but this was overbearing, even for him. Tobirama noticed the change and let his hand fall to his side, but the expectation was still shining from his relieved eyes.
"I have promised you, that I won't let you wait too long for my decision, haven't I?" Hashirama cut the chase.
Tobirama frowned. His eyebrows were drawn together and his head was tilted slightly to one side. His brother didn't know, what he was referring to at first, but then he glanced at the desk and the letter.
"If I remember correctly, you strongly insisted to promise me nothing at all." Less concern, more curiosity.
"You are probably right." A small chuckle on Hashirama's behalf.
"It's about the Uzumaki." It wasn't a question, but rather the outspoken logical conclusion of his thought process. Hashirama just took it as an invitation to continue.
"I've... I've made my choice, Tobirama. Please read this." Hashirama grabbed the letter from his desk and handed it over for his confidant to read.
He gulped a little as he watched his brother in silence. He tried to consue Tobirama's minimal body language and controlled scent, which people often compared to the ocean; usually laying still and calm, but with unseen deepness and the hidden power to create deadly waves. And Hashirama felt like a little boat in anticipation of a great storm.
Tobirama's eyes slightly widened at the first phrase. He shifted his balance from one leg to the other. There was tension. This would not be going well. Hashirama mentally prepared himself to be yelled at.
But nothing of that kind hit his ears. Tobirama looked him in the eyes then back to the paper, as if he wanted to make sure, he wasn't joking. He wasn't and his brother apparently understood this without any verbal confirmation. He pushed his hair back, before speaking up again.
"Is it because of the Uchiha?"
"Yes, they are against the marriage."
"How do they know about it?"
"I told Madara yesterday. He is also a founder of Konoha and has the right to be informed about the affairs of the Senju and those of the village."
"This damn-" Tobirama caught himself before one of those comments Hashirama didn't like to hear came out. Only another sigh followed.
"Why are they against it?" Tobirama questioned after a pregnant pause.
"I haven't asked to be honest," Hashirama scratched the back of his head, "But Madara said they would leave the village. I cannot risk another war between us, Tobi. Not again. Not after everything we've worked for!" He tried to sound reasonable, confident. Undoubtedly, he was also trying to convince himself, that this was the right move.
"And what would they do out there on their own?" His brother retorted as realistic as he was, always thinking ten steps ahead, when everyone else still was at the third, weighing every possible outcome. He sounded slightly amused and highly offended at the same time.
"Konoha already controls most resources and power in the land of fire. Does Madara really think, all of those other clans just come here because of some vague promise of everlasting peace? Of course not! They adapt to the changing circumstances around them and join our cause because that's the only way to keep their clan and lineage fed, safe, and respected for the foreseeable future!" Any other alpha would have ranted in anger, but not Tobirama. He stayed as coolheaded as ever, as he tore the Uchihan threat apart.
Hashirama had never liked this rather grim depiction of Konoha, but he couldn't focus on that aspect now.
"We don't need to throw oil into the flames. You know, we do not need more internal conflict. We need the Uchiha just as much as they need us for this to work." Hashirama himself was actually a little bit surprised, how much determination resonated in his voice.
"But we don't need to do their every bidding, Hashirama! You have always been too soft on them. Don't you see how much they isolate themselves from the rest of us? They are planning something behind our backs!"
"Tobirama, it is exact behavior like this that drives them away!" Hashirama raised his voice a little, trying to end this argument.
Usually, this would be the point where Tobirama would back down and let his brother have his way. If the Senju leader had raised his voice, that meant he was being serious, but Tobirama had the same trait of stubbornness in his blood. They were siblings after all.
"Brother, listen to me! You can't make this decision out of personal reasons-"
"I don't!" Hashirama intervened, silently trying to convince himself of that as well. He didn't want to hear all of this. Tobirama shook his head and approached the subject from a different angle. He didn't give up trying to get through to his brother.
"You have to look at the grand scheme of things. To realign with the Uzumaki would benefit the whole village, our family. The elders have already agreed, because the marriage would give us political influence beyond the eastern border. Even IF the Uchiha turn on us, we would have the clear advantage with the Uzumaki at our side."
Something in Hashirama's head just clicked as all the pieces fit together too well. Was this the real reason? The Senju elders wanted more leverage over the Uchiha. This had never been about possibly helping the Uzumaki? He gritted his teeth together and decided he had heard enough.
"Inform the elders about my choice!" There was it again. The voice Hashirama hated to use. Deadly serious, non-negotiable, nearly authoritarian, just like his father. He didn't want to be like this, not to his own brother. He regretted it immediately. Why did he act like this so often lately? Everything was going downhill.
Tobirama's eyes still carried the heavy accusations effortlessly, but he didn't overstep the line, Hashirama had just drawn between them, again. He breathed heavily through his nose one last time, looked at the letter in his hands again, visibly contemplating his options.
"Fine." Tobirama spat out.
The younger Senju turned around, left the office without any further attempt at conversation. He slammed the door shut behind him. Hashirama flinched at the aggressive nature of the gesture.
He looked at the ceiling above, then back towards the window he had stood by earlier. The sun had freed herself from the shackles of the night, while he wasn't paying attention. The festival would begin in a few hours and he needed to change clothes and wash from that foul scent, his brother had complained about before.
He had been excited for the anniversary celebrations since he had proposed the idea, but now...
He would have never guessed, how the last few days would play out. His best friend wouldn't come, his brother was mad at him and the elders would give him judgemental looks for the rest of the day, after Tobirama had told them about his decision. But despite all of this, he needed to act normal for the people in the village. Had to put a smile on his face.
Hashirama sighed. He felt lonely, heartbroken.
The alpha just hoped everything would be alright again.