Humanity
Lee stayed around long enough to finish the movie, though it was obvious that neither of them gave a damn about it after the kiss they had just shared, Gaara especially. Lee could at least pretend to care about whether or not the hero saved his….girlfriend? Daughter? Wife? Female companion? Gaara realized that he hadn’t been paying attention to the movie at all in the first place, but it still didn’t matter because Lee had initiated a kiss between the two of them and it had felt so so good. God, Gaara would kill someone just to relive a second of the kiss that they shared.
When Lee was at the door, just about ready to head home, Gaara wanted to ask for more encouragement. Shit, he almost did, but something held him back. A stupid, sweet little voice in the back of his head that suspiciously lacked an contractions and spoke proudly, told him that he ought to save their second kiss for when he had met his end of the bargain, so he hugged Lee instead. It was frustrating to say the least, feeling his arms wrap around Lee, all the while lacking the warmth of his mouth, but Lee hugged back and suddenly it was better. He hated how desperate he had-no, he didn’t hate it. He realized that he didn’t hate it at all. Actually, if Gaara thought about it, he liked that he liked Lee’s hugs, though only in the deepest part of himself could he admit something like that.
Lee’s affection had trained him into enjoying it in small doses, a pat on the shoulder from Temari here, a fist bump from Kankurou there, he didn’t even feel like punching someone in the face when a customer accidentally ran into him at work. He was bitter about adoring Lee’s touch so much, of course, but it was a bitterness that stemmed from an almost childish desire to want to touch him more, and that made him flustered more than anything.
Their hug lasted longer than it normally would have, longer than a pair of friends who weren’t head over heels in love with one another would have dared to touch, but it was fine. He would be able to kiss Lee again one day, even if it was a day months from now. He could already imagine it, a quiet kiss under the moonlight, maybe surrounded by plants, it would be perfect.
That was a dream Gaara had thought he could achieve in about a few more months, until reality hit him in the face with a two ton truck and he realized that he had severely underestimated how hard it would be to get better.
Of course, he had been taking his medication, and going to his shitty therapy, keeping group in the mix too for the sake of still seeing Lee. He even tried his absolute best to ‘communicate how he felt’ or something like that, but then he faced the days where he just couldn’t muster the energy to try at anything, let alone improvement They hurt more than anything, barely able get out of bed, and when he did he feeling like throwing himself in the street. Not even out of that old desire to die, but instead out of the desire for a break.
A break from what? He really wasn’t sure, but damn did he want one, and when he told his therapist?
A recommendation for an upped dose of his prescription and more exposure to vitamin D.
And he fucking did it.
He did it all in a slightly hazy daze of regular life and limited emotion.
At least, he did from the middling weeks of November, about all the way to late December, when he felt nothing but achy all over and a little sick. It was, once again, Temari’s doing when he finally dropped his old therapist and got a new one. A new one that heard him and actually paid attention to his symptoms along with what he had to say and his thoughts, though it turned out that that sick achy feeling was actually a cold he had caught from a coworker.
Despite his new therapist, in fact, being significantly better better than his old one there was a certain kind of pain, both emotionally and physically, that came with weaning yourself off of drugs for the second time. The first having been, of course, Kankurou’s stupid fucking painkillers. The stupid fucking painkillers that Gaara occasionally found himself missing with the nostalgic fondness one would usually reserve for an ex.
This weaning mixed with Gaara’s naturally less than sunny disposition meant that his family’s gift was him being a dick for Christmas. Well, a dick would have been taking it lightly. In reality Gaara nearly threw a classic ‘temper tantrum’, as his father would have called it, on Christmas Eve when he summoned the three of them for a family meal and spent the entire night asking Gaara about his current mental state, the whole thing patronizing and painful.
Then, as a gift, he was given a watch that would have probably been able to pay for rent for the next two years and a note offering Gaara a car so long as he ‘behaved’ for another year. It was like a punch in the fucking face. He threw the watch to the ground, calling it a worthless piece of shit watch from an asshole. Afterward, practically announcing to the house full of servants and a handful of family friends that there was the chance the big estate they were all on would end up in flames before New Years, which was not something his siblings, or Lee, would have approved of.
Gaara left afterward, stalking off into an all too familiar cold and hiding out in the garden. It was reminiscent of his childhood to a degree that Gaara was almost uncomfortable with. At least, until he realized he had something now that he didn’t have then, a friend. He called Lee, who he knew was attending his own family Christmas, but Gaara had a sinking feeling that without him he would probably end up burning down the whole estate.
Lee seemed happy when he picked up, laughing at something that was happening on his end, the sound of Lee’s laughter actually made him happy, more than anything, it helped Gaara remember that his father’s idea of him wasn’t who he was now. He was someone who was trying to be better, and very distinctly not like who he was the year before.
Gaara! Merry Christmas, everyone, will you please tell Gaara merry Christmas!
A chorus of voices sounded, cheerful and laughing.
Merry Christmas, Gaara!
It made him flush to his ears and ever so softly he managed to say it right back. He imagined what it was like on the other side of the phone, probably warm, with tons of decorations. Lee had mentioned that his dad enjoyed decorating, and if that man was anything like his son, which Gaara was sure he was considering how Lee seemed to admire him, then he was sure the decorating was over the top to a degree that would make Gaara uncomfortable. Despite that, he longed for that discomfort, he wanted to feel like he was in the wrong place because everyone was too kind instead of whatever this feeling of shitty belonging he felt when he returned to the house that had bred him.
Oh! I have to go. I am so sorry that I cannot stay longer Gaara, but someone has started a game apparently with the eggnog and I have to play so that the teams are even. Are you okay?
Lee’s voice softened right at the end, a gentle need for confirmation that Gaara was alright, and he decided that he was. He would be fine because he wasn’t alone anymore. He hummed an affirmation to him, trying to ease Lee’s worries, but all too suddenly their quiet moment was interrupted by shouting in the background on Lee’s end and Lee insisting that he really did have to go. Gaara told him to have fun before he hung up.
He stayed in the garden for a long time after that, watching the snowfall around him. It was always so beautiful in the garden, though nobody ever appreciated it. Hell, Gaara hadn’t either until just now. He wondered if he would ever feel peace without pressure, or if the two of them were intertwined within his spirit. It would be disappointing if they were, after all, how would he know if he was worthy of Lee? It wasn’t just about Lee though, it was about himself too. Himself and Temari and Kankurou. He needed to get better because there was the chance that Lee wouldn’t always be there and he didn’t need his siblings constantly picking up the pieces of all the fucked up shit he did. It was upsetting to think, imagining a life without Lee or the way that Temari and Kankurou really had been through Hell and back because of Gaara, but they had all been more of a help than they’d know.
He sat there for a long time, introspective and critical. He was always saying he’d be better, but there was always some sort of pitfall right when things hit an upslope. Gaara sighed, finally checking his phone, the barrage of messages from Temari and Kankurou had hit the teens and his fingers were nearly numb with cold at this point.
Gaara you didn’t go out and actually get the stuff to burn the place down right?!
DONT BURN THE PLACE DOWN
YOURE BETTER THAN THIS DUDE
Kankurou is right, you don’t wanna give dad the satisfaction
IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY ITLL BE
THIS TIME YOULL BE MEGA FUCKED
Please stop being an idiot and just come back to us
i wont burn it down.
We’ll asap I swear
The ride home from their father’s house was silent and Christmas Day was mostly spent asleep, as per tradition in their house. After such a long night no one actually wanted to try and act like a proper family. Even this year, when things were sort of different and yet still all the same.
Gaara felt a vague sense of guilt in how he had acted, he knew that comments like that weren’t what was supposed to improve him, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to think on the positive, like had been suggested to him by every medical professional he had met, and considered how he didn’t burn the estate to the ground, but really that was just scraping the bottom of the barrel. He had thought, back in November, that he would be good enough for Lee by New years. It had been so close, and yet just far away enough for it to be something almost unreal. Now, New Years was coming all too quickly. He wanted to apologize to Lee, but he knew that it wouldn’t make any sense.
He thought back on how introspective he had been out in the garden and how his self awareness had hit a new, worrying height in the past nine months. Before was easier, his emotions made him erratic and didn’t prompt much thought outside of getting through a day without killing himself.
Now though, now he had to live the life of someone with a future, and it gave him such an existential sort of dread. Never, until after he met Lee, did Gaara really think about having a future. Of course, he had wanted to live when he got out, but wanting to live and planning a future were two very different things. Somehow, some way, he managed to tell that to his therapist at their next appointment. It was strange, how it all seemed to pour out of him, like, all of these thoughts and words were choking him and he was finally breathing. Of course, he couldn’t get himself to admit everything, especially not when he had spent the last few weeks going to therapy to just sit there and sulk (pout) the whole time, but this time would be different. At least, he hoped so.
He went once a week, just like with the old one. He spent about two hours talking about Whatever comes to mind then went home, occasionally with homework. One sort of homework being writing about his feelings. It had felt embarrassing at first, Gaara had been embarrassed-hell, mortified would have honestly been the better term for it. It had been easier to just sit all the time with his mind constantly running, wondering about ‘what-if’s and horrible outcomes to situations, but to write them down and try to refute them. It was a different beast entirely.
He started out writing every three days or so, he needed those three days to recharge from the embarrassment he was feeling, but slowly it became a habit. It was pleasant, seeing as Gaara had never been the best with verbally expressing himself, and the horrible sense of embarrassment he felt did slowly dissipate into a sense of protectiveness toward the book he wrote in that he refused to call a journal or diary. It was in that space of time, between Christmas and New Years, that Gaara wondered if group was even worth it anymore. He wrote about it often, and warmed himself into telling his therapist about Lee. Then, he told Lee about his therapist.
He was proud, all smiles and pats on the back with a light flush on his cheeks that made Gaara want to grab them, he didn’t, of course. He couldn’t. He knew that if he let his hands touch Lee’s face he would end up pulling him into another kiss, maybe even trying to coerce him into more, but he couldn’t. Lee wasn’t the kind of person to go back on his word, and if he ahd wanted sex from Lee he probably would’ve gone after some other meathead who didn’t care that his whole body was covered in pale scars for entirely different reasons.
But there was a catch. A catch that hurt to give, but was necessary nonetheless.
I won’t be going to group anymore.
Lee looked upset, and Gaara was told him that he still wanted to spend just as much time together, if not even more, as they had when he was going. He knew he couldn’t keep going though. Even after almost a year, he barely talked, and really only went so that Lee would take him out to eat afterward. Hell, group hadn’t actually helped him at all except for introducing him to the love of his life, which, he supposed, was a good enough help. That help didn’t need to exist anymore though, it was pointless. He and Lee had become more than their titles of sponsor and sponsee, and to continue the charade would be a waste of time for the both of them.
It was strange to let all of that out. To confess to Lee in a way that wasn’t erratic. Hell, it was almost perfect even. Lee, of course, flustered at what Gaara said in an utterly Lee fashion, and all he could do was laugh. He was denied, but Lee promised him something that made him sure he could take a thousand more.
I will proudly await the day I can accept
That day came two years later, two years of hard work and mutual pining and close calls and Gaara fighting with himself over and over again. Just for the chance to tell Lee that he loved him and have Lee say it back. It happened after work, Gaara now twenty-one and Lee’s twenty-fourth on the horizon of the approaching fall. He had said it as a joke, telling Lee that he loved him because Lee had offered to buy him dinner, and Lee said it back.
Gaara stopped then, staring up at Lee who was beet red. There were no words exchanged then, simply two sets of eyes meeting and feet moving toward one another until Gaara was pulling Lee’s face down to kiss him. He was ferocious, taking what he had wanted since the day he realized he wanted Lee. The kiss was desperate, and a little bit sloppy, but it was also magic. Like lightning in a bottle. Gaara decided, then and there, in Lee’s arms, that he would never let him go, no matter what.