Rot
When Gaara made it home, he saw Lee sitting there right on his front steps, like he had been waiting, and when he looked at him, it was obvious that he had been worried. . It didn’t make sense why he would be, at least, it hadn’t until Gaara belatedly remembered that they were supposed to be going to the movies together. He looked at his phone, seeing plenty of missed texts from Lee that spanned over the course of the hour and a half Gaara had seemingly left him waiting.
Gaara couldn’t help but feel his fingers dig into old scars, like they were opening back up and ready to bleed out on him all over again. He dug his nails into the fabric of his shirt, gripping so tightly that he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he would end up having to count this as a technical relapse. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t crave the roughness of his nails against his skin, ripping his flesh open for the sake of his own peace of mind, but he held it together, no matter how greatly he desired it, he couldn’t do it here- not in front of Lee, he would wait, wait until he had been set free from the cage these feelings had left him in.
The way his heart clenched at Lee being worried for him made him pissed. Lee, in the time that Gaara had known him, had always played the nice guy, always played concerned for Gaara’s well being and pretended to have a good time with him when they ate together, all to make sure that Gaara didn’t fly off the handle again. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the people who ran group were paying him.
It made him feel sick to think.
The idea of Lee doing this all for money was horrible, but he was working two jobs and needed money to pay his share of rent, and it wasn’t like taking care of Gaara wasn’t a job that would probably fetch a hefty paycheck for how much he was to deal with. He remembered when their father had adopted him, free labor from Temari and Kankuro wasn’t something that came often, at least, not until Gaara had picked up the hobby of running out every babysitter sent to care for him. It had been easier to be alone then, easier to push people away than let them in. It hurt to know now that, after finally letting someone in, he was payed back with hurt.
Lee looked at him with utter relief, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that relief was genuine. Lee stood up from the stoop and ran to Gaara, trying to catch him in one of those larger than life hugs of his. He missed, Gaara taking a step to the side and watching Lee almost fall over himself. He saw confusion register on Lee’s face and then concern. Before he even had the chance to win Gaara back over, to let him fall under that spell of smile and false-genuinity, he was speaking.
I don’t want to see you anymore
Gaara’s voice was cold, almost as cold as it had been when they first met, the only real difference in it was the hurt he was masking, the pain that came in knowing that Lee never really had been his friend. Over and over again in his mind played what Lee said the first time that they had met, ‘I am Rock Lee, and as your sponsor I am prepared to drop everything if you ever need me. I promise. I hope you will think of me as a friend and comrade rather than just some sort of strange guy.’.
’Think of me as a friend and comrade’
’Rock Lee, your sponsor’
Lee spoke out suddenly.
Gaara, I am sorry if there has been some sort of misunderstanding or I have offended you but I do not want to stop seeing you! Please, tell me what I have done so that I may apologize properly!
He looked desperate almost, already approaching Gaara with that pleading look he had whenever he tried to subtly communicate to Gaara that he was too scared to keep watching a horror movie, or even when he wanted to try a bite of what Gaara was having but didn’t quite have the nerve to ask.
Gaara’s voice was soft as he spoke, raspy as always but caked slightly by the tears he would shed when he was able to press his face into the fabric of his pillow and sob.
You lied to me. You lied Lee.
Lee looked confused then, the gears in his head obviously turning as he tried to think of lies he told Gaara. In the end, he shook his head, denying the accusation as if it wasn’t totally true. It stung more that he was being lied to again, especially after he had told Lee so much.
Gaara, I have not lied to you, I promise!
Lee was insistent and that made Gaara angrier, his thoughts were already jumbled as he tried to come up with something coherent to say, and as he did the only noise that he could hear was Lee’s insistence of having always been honest with Gaara.
He couldn’t take it anymore then, and he shoved Lee to the ground. For as small as he was, Lee stumbled back and did end up planting on his ass, though it was probably because of how off guard he’d been caught.
You lied! You’ve never once been honest with me Lee. You always tell me that you understand how I feel but I know that you don’t! I know that you’re just lying so that you can get your money for dealing with crazy people! I bet you’re ashamed to be seen with a monster, aren’t you! I bet that you’d much rather be seen with people who look like Tenten and Neji!
He sneered at Lee, his face contorted into an ugly scowl as he screamed at him. The neighbors would place a complaint again probably, maybe they’d even ask them to move this time, they were damn close to getting kicked out when Gaara broke the car window, this time could easily be the last that they were willing to put up with their-his shit.
Lee looked offended, so horribly offended and hurt and angry, when he heard Gaara’s accusation. It was an expression he had never seen on Lee, not when he talked about how horrible littering was or when he told Gaara about the guy who kept harassing Tenten at her job, it was like he had unleashed some sort of beast. Gaara wouldn’t let him speak though, not yet, not when he had more to say.
Just admit that-
He was cut off with Lee tackling him into the concrete. It hurt, though the reverberation in his skull from the hit of the asphalt grounded him a little more than he would have cared to admit, the pain leaving him something to focus on that wasn’t the ache in his chest. Lee was flushed down to his neck and his brows were bunched up in a mass of black fur.
Gaara! I do not understand why you are so angry with me! All you have done is accuse me of lying, but I did not lie about anything! And please do not talk about my friends in such a way! I do not understand how I can make it better. I want to apologize, truly, I hate to think that I have hurt you, but never tell me that I do not care! I do not get paid for my work with the group! I do it because I want to help those in need just like I was helped!
Gaara stared up at Lee, at some point when speaking he had started crying, his voice cracking and body shuddering as he spoke with the conviction that had made Gaara become so infatuated with him. It made him angry that Lee was like this, that the honesty in his voice was obvious, and yet he couldn’t let things go, he knew that he couldn’t because there was a gnawing in his brain telling him that Lee didn’t really want to be his friend. That Gaara wasn’t really worth it. Lee would discard him when the time arose and he was no longer of whatever use he had served. It had always been like that for as long as Gaara could remember, unconditional love would always be unfamiliar.
He thought about what Lee, who was pinning him down against the cold of the asphalt beneath him, still shuddering and tearful, said. He had been helped by the group, that sounded ridiculous. Lee was obviously the kind of guy who had always been popular, though sort of dorky, for his entire life. He couldn’t imagine him actually being cast out, even if he was sort of weird. He was strong and made of gold, an adonis with the personality of a gag manga. It was charming and sweet and utterly a breath of fresh air. He tried to imagine Lee being like him, being a loner and isolated and ready to just get it all over with. It seemed almost impossible.
There’s...there’s no way…
It came out a lot less sharp than everything else he had said. Looking at Lee now, under the dark of night, he seemed more vulnerable, like something that needed to be protected, even if Gaara was the one who had hurt him.
Lee looked up at Gaara, and the hurt in his eyes was enough to tell Gaara that he never wanted to see it again. He never wanted to make Lee cry or hurt, same as he felt with Kankurou and Temari. It was almost horrible to think that it took him hurting Lee to figure this out, and yet he still laid there, under his vice grip and watching as Lee calmed down. Slowly, he climbed off of Gaara, helping him up and making sure that he was okay.
Lee sighed, looking at Gaara with an expectancy that didn’t come as a surprise. He owed Lee an explanation, clarity for Gaara’s ridiculously erratic and self-destructive behavior. He couldn’t totally verbalize it, so instead he took Lee to the stoop and sat him down, right where he had been before. He sat down beside him with a heavy sigh and tried to think, tried to figure out everything his therapist had taught him and how to use it.
He looked at Lee for a long time, watching how the moonlight brushed his face, he was so lovely.
I…...do you actually want to be my friend Lee?
It was all he could muster, and he could hear the pleading that lay underneath it. He needed Lee, as much as he hated to admit it. He was the thing that had made transitioning into a life of normalcy possible really, and without him, what would he have?
Lee swallowed, staring at Gaara with still wet eyes.
Of course I want to be your friend Gaara, I thought-I thought that we were friends...I really would like to know what I have done to hurt you…
He felt horrible, seeing Lee like this, and yet that security in knowing that Lee truly cared about him left Gaara feeling something that only Lee could. Slowly, he drew in a breath through his nose, held it, and exhaled from his mouth. He would explain things to Lee, even if it was the last thing he’d do.
I...worry sometimes...seeing as you’re my first friend...I worry that maybe you don’t really want to be friends with someone like me, especially when you know everything I did...It’s obvious that you fit in better with people like Tenten and Neji anyway...what use is there for someone who-someone like you to spend time around someone like me?
It hurt more than Gaara was willing to admit when he said it out loud. It made the pain in his chest sharper and his feelings for Lee even more suffocating. He wanted things to go back to how they were this morning, yesterday, a month ago, or even five months ago when he and Lee had first met. Anything that wasn’t right here and right now where he’d fucked things up for himself all over again and this time with someone who could leave. He didn’t want Lee to leave though, a life without Rock Lee in it, after he had been such a grand fixture of it, was hell on earth. He knew he had Temari and Kankurou, he would always have them, but Lee was something entirely new and different. He had brought Gaara to life. He felt his chest tighten further, twisting up as he felt something overwhelming settle over him. Even still, now, rather than his mind staying latched on to the idea that Lee was a filthy liar, he now couldn’t handle the idea of a life without him.
Gaara faintly coughed, trying to get this feeling out of him, push the overwhelmingness away. He took deep breath after deep breath, and yet they did nothing to calm him, and soon the deep breaths were becoming clipped. He looked at Lee, who seemed to be thinking of his next response, and then suddenly he was staring at a Lee who was covered in starry spots. He felt sick, like he was going to throw up. He wished he was in his bed, he wished that he was underneath his blankets and safe with his plants. He didn’t want the sensation of the outside or the scrape of the steps against his skin or the feeling of his skin at all. He wanted it all to go away, he wanted to exist in a space of utter, weightless nothingness.
Lee had seemingly realized what was happening by then though, and he was perfect as always.
He managed to get Gaara in a position to communicate, even if it was only yes or no questions as they got to the front door of the building. Lee handled the keys and getting Gaara to walk on fawn legs. It was obvious that he was bound to collapse at any moment, and the physical support from Lee was the only thing that was keeping him from collapsing into a mess of shaky breathing and nausea on the filthy hall carpet.
When they got into the apartment, the lights were all off, meaning both Temari and Kankurou had seemingly gone out with their respective significant others. For that, Gaara was so thankful he found himself nearly religious.
Lee crouched in front of him on the couch, making sure that he and Gaara were eye level.
Would you like a glass of water?
Gaara shook his head.
Food?
Gaara shook his head, he would rather rip his own tongue out rather than cross the thought of eating again.
Can I sit with you?
Gaara nodded, watching as Lee sat beside him. It wasn’t long before Lee’s arm was around him though. He was so hot all over, it made gaara feel like he was staring over the mouth of a volcano. Lee was a furnace that he wanted to be cooked in, consumed by, he craved to be something that could keep that warmth going and keep himself close to it. Gaara feared that if he didn’t he would lose something irreplaceable that Lee had unknowingly given him. He leaned forward and grabbed the remote, turning on the tv to fill up the silence that was obviously eating up the two of them
They sat like that for a long while, Gaara coming down from the swimming high of adrenaline he had been on. His bones felt heavy and his body ached from almost nothing in particular, worst of all though, his arm itched. It itched with such a fervency that he practically wanted to carve it off. It was all in his head though, he knew it. He knew that it was just the overwhelming urge for stress relief eating away at him, running him ragged so that he would give in. Instead, he looked at the tv, and then looked to Lee. he had been here for so long, he had finally seen Gaara at his worst and felt the urge to accept him despite it. It made him feel warm deep deep into him.
He fidgeted a bit, moving even closer to Lee and subsequently grabbing his attention. Lee was suddenly sat more alert, ready to listen to whatever Gaara had to say next.
Lee, I need to tell you something…
Gaara felt himself getting nervous, pinpricks of the anxiety that had just passed already rising up from within him and ready to be spat back up.
What is it Gaara?
In some part of his mind, he understood that telling Lee how he felt after putting him through the emotional ringer wasn’t the best thing to do, but Gaara also knew that he had this opportunity or none at all, who was to say when he would next have the courage to do something like this?
I love you. Romantically.
It came out like a raspy, wheezing breath, like a dying animal had said it. In some ways, Gaara definitely was a dying animal, but it had ruined the atmosphere of the confession, though it wasn’t like it had much of one.
Lee flushed a deep red and for a long while he sputtered and waved his arms in front of himself like he was looking to grab purchase on to something. When he finally gained control of himself, Lee looked more serious though, somber even. Just like he had been outside.
Gaara, I am-I am deeply flattered by your confession and...I will not lie and say I do not feel similarly,
He hated the way that he could hear the but coming.
But I cannot accept a confession from you, not now, at least, I know that you are very vulnerable, and I cannot take advantage of you like that.
Gaara wanted to tell Lee that he wasn’t being taken advantage of, that he was a grown man and knew his feelings, but he also knew that he was right. Gaara’s mind had changed over the past ten hours so many times that even he could barely keep up with himself. So, instead of handling things like an adult, handling the first rejection from the first boy he had even truly knew he was in love with like a man, he told Lee to get out.
There was some sort of infomercial for an exercise bike that Lee would have loved if not for the situation at hand, and Gaara hated that he noticed that.
Lee only nodded, breaking his silence to say to Gaara.
I still care about you Gaara, a lot. You are a very important person to me.
GET OUT!
It was the only time that he had really yelled at Lee, and he hated the way he let the hurt show on his face. Gaara stormed upstairs, ripping off his work clothes and throwing them to the ground. He changed into a big shirt, one that he only belatedly realized that he had borrowed from Lee when he had gotten ice cream spilled on one of his shirts during one of their many outings together.
Tears filled his eyes when he noticed and he hated himself for it. He hated that he was crying like this, he hated that Lee was right, he hated that they couldn't be together because Lee didn’t think Gaara was stable enough. With a sniff, Gaara finally scratched that itching in his arm, trying to press his nails into his arm and dig up a chunk of flesh but being met with the soft press of skin against skin. He looked at his hand and realized that Temari had done his nails only a few days ago, meaning they weren’t long enough to scratch himself with. He sighed, falling back on the black of his bed sheets and curling up underneath one of the few blankets that wasn't being crushed under him.
When he looked out at the moon in the sky, Gaara couldn’t help but ask himself if all of this was really worth it.