Bloom
Upon figuring out that his feelings for Lee were...romantic, Gaara found them even more difficult to deal with than before. He thought of Lee more often when doing things, thought of what he liked and had grown to like about him. When he was washing the dishes after dinner it was that Lee seemed like the kind of guy who would help out with those sorts of things ,when he was at work it was that Lee seemed to have an appreciation for nature, and late late at night, when he was too tired to watch tv in the living room but too awake to go to sleep, he imagined what Lee would feel like beside him. Tonight was one such night.
Some-most if he was being honest with himself-nights if he truly couldn’t keep Lee from his mind, he found the daydream became more vivid. He imagined how his breath would feel against the back of his neck, how his weight would cause the old mattress to creak and sink, Gaara knew well that Lee would be the type to cuddle, clinging close as his sturdy chest pressed up against Gaara’s frail frame. He could imagine how strong and warm he would be all over, his pajamas would be sparse most likely, boxers and another one of his wacky t-shirts.
Gaara smiled at the thought, the cuddling was always sweet in his mind, full of gentle breaths and chaste touches, until it wasn’t anymore. Gaara could never pinpoint when it happened, or when it had become a habit, but the cuddling that had been all honeyed whispers and exploratory caresses became headier. It left a poor taste in Gaara’s mouth whenever he snapped out of his fantasy. He couldn’t help but constantly wonder what Lee would think of him if he knew, but he didn’t know, and it needed to stay that way. For all Gaara knew, Lee wasn’t even gay. He had expressed support after Gaara had mentioned that Kankuro had a crush on one of Shikamaru’s friends that he had been introduced to. Though he couldn’t remember his name, he was sure it had something to do with dogs. Gaara thought about what Lee had said to him that day, wiping his hands on a nearby shirt of his.
I hope that things with Kankuro go well. I understand what it is like to feel so strongly for another person.
Gaara was glad that the reaction he got was positive, if not then he knew that things between him and Lee wouldn’t have moved any further forward, though it wasn’t like he knew if Lee was straight or not anyway. He imagined lee being straight, liking that Tenten girl and the two of them being together for the long term while Gaara felt himself dissolve from the sidelines.
He hated how attached he had become to Lee.
He was his first friend, first crush,so many important firsts belonged to Lee that Gaara was unsure of how to proceed with the thought that Lee wouldn’t always be there for him like he had been since the beginning. There was a quiet thought though, gnawing in the back of his mind, a thought that always seemed to become worse after Lee mentioned those roommates of his.
Lee was just pretending.
Lee was using him.
Lee wasn’t really a friend, he was just another person who wanted to look at Gaara like he was a monster.
They were disgusting ideas, ones that he constantly pushed deep deep down into the recesses of his mind rather than giving them any sort of acknowledgement. Lee was one of the kindest people Gaara had met, and to think of him as someone so lowly was painful.
He rolled on to his back, tossing his dirtied shirt off to the side as he curled under the blankets, his cheeks hot with self disgust. He hated sullying lee’s image, whether it be through his daydreams or his fears. He worried that somehow Lee would find out, even if he never had access to his thoughts. Gaara somehow knew Lee knew what he was doing. It always made the few hugs Gaara allowed more awkward than they had been before, or pre-dinner meetups at the nursery, in which Lee was often dressed in either revealing or skin tight exercise-wear, an exercise in self control for Gaara.
He sighed, pulling his blanket up to his neck. He found himself sleepier than before, his eyes heavy and limbs moving like they were stuck in water. Sleep was easier than thought anyway, Gaara knew that better than anyone.
Gaara awoke to the sound of his alarm at five. He needed to get up, he had the opening shift which meant catching his bus on time, but he had something far more important to take care of.
He climbed out of bed with a grunt, going around the house and watering the plants he had brought home before heading into the kitchen. The most important thing that he needed was sat right on the linoleum countertop, his phone. Sitting on the counter, he pulled up his messages with Lee, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips as he saw their goodnight messages from the previous day,
good morning.
Good morning, Gaara! I understand that you have the day off tomorrow, am I correct?
yes.
Fantastic! Would you like to see a late movie together?
ok.
Can I come to get you at 9?
ok.
Great! I will send you further details later! :)
Gaara bit the inside of his cheek, the thought of going to a movie with Rock Lee made his head swim with warmth, though that had seemingly become his reaction to everything Rock Lee did around or for him.
Gaara spent his day in an almost excited haze thinking of tonight. He and Lee had gone to see movies together before, of course, but each time was seemingly better than the last, or perhaps that was simply his affection for Lee growing with each ugly snort or scared expression he made depending on who had picked what they were watching.
It was Lee’s turn this time meaning probably a (romantic) comedy, or an action movie. Those were always his picks, except for on nights where he was feeling introspective or experimental, then he would pick a foreign or indie film that was heavy in dialogue. He almost had a gift for finding those kinds of movies, the ones that made Gaara feel like all of his attention was drawn to the center of the screen, on the edge of his seat as he waited for the next line of dialogue. If those movies somehow always prompted that sorrowful twitching in his chest that was only prompted when he thought about Before, it didn’t, and if Lee was always there to hold him when he found himself inexplicably crying, once again he didn’t.
Gaara diverged from the norm for his lunch break, greatly desiring a walk in order to clear his head that was so clouded with thoughts of Lee.
He walked into a vegan restaurant. He didn’t remember much about it, only that Lee endorsed it over and over again. He sighed, realizing that he had only made the issue worse.
And then she said, young hero, you will never become stronger if you...if you…
Gaara had begun to find himself hearing things now, there was no way that Lee was in this restaurant right now. No way at all. If he was at the restaurant then he would have texted Gaara that he was in the area, that he could spend time with him during his lunch break. He looked around the restaurant and hated what he was met with on what was practically his first turn.
A head of thick, shiny black hair in a stupid bowl cut. More specifically, the back of that stupid bowl cut, and the faces of two gorgeous, strong looking people. He knew their faces easily having seen plenty of pictures of them from Lee, Tenten and Neji.
Gaara felt something in the back of his throat, bile hot as lava that made him want to hurt.
He stood there for a short moment, listening to their conversation. It was something about a tv show or a movie maybe. The girl, Tenten, was getting frustrated with Lee’s arduous explanation of something that should have been easy to explain according to Neji.
They all looked so lovely in the sun, and there was something about the way Lee held himself with them, so relaxed that it was almost unnerving. He kept his posture straight while in the chair, but he could tell that he was laughing a lot, he could hear it. He could imagine the grin he had while he did. It made the feeling in Gaara’s throat even worse, and he felt like his mind was going static.
He could hear those stupid thoughts all over again.
He’s just your sponsor
There’s no real chance that he’s even interested
He’s probably ashamed to be associated with such a monster
A monster.
That’s right, Gaara had nearly forgotten what he was, a monster. Almost a year since that day had passed, and Gaara knew well that no matter how much time passed, nothing would ever cover up what he had done that day. Hell, even the neighbors still hated him for it.
Gaara stepped out of the restaurant, the bell on the door jingling distantly.
He somehow managed to return to work, finishing off his shift at four on the dot. Rather than taking the bus home, he started walking. The haze still hadn’t left him, and somewhere far away he couldn’t help but wonder if he had taken his medication this morning. It wasn’t like it mattered though, it wasn’t like anyone but Temari and Kankurou would care.
Hell, would they even care? They would probably be happy to be free of Gaara finally, rather than having to put up with Gaara’s body taking up space that could be used for just about anything else.
He almost felt a sense of deja vu, thinking like this. The dark spiral he found himself falling through a familiar sort of comfort as he realized what a fake life he had created for himself. As much as he tried, he could never really run away from what he did, not when it was on his record, not when his body was covered in scars from it. No matter what he did, Gaara would always be the boy from that troubled house.
It really was like that day all those months ago, though this time probably wouldn’t end in property damage.