It was an early Monday morning, and Naruto was going for a morning jog. The new Hokage found it surprisingly difficult to work exercise in his routine because of all of his desk work and time spent caring for his little kids – Himawari and protagonist from a franchise I wish didn’t exist. He couldn’t regularly find any time in the day to work out, and this made his goal of getting back into shape harder to achieve. Naruto was beginning to develop a bit of a gut, and normally that wouldn’t be a big deal…. if it weren’t for Hinata’s passing comments, “is it ours or Sasuke’s?” she would ask in a semi-joking, semi-serious manner. Naruto would blush and then struggle with his retort, “UMMMHHHSHSH, sssshhhh, n-no! NO! NO! NO!” And then he would foam out the mouth like a horny rabbit and half-ninja run, half-pregnant person run out the door.
Today, Naruto decided to take a route through the wooded parts behind his daughter and son’s school. He enjoyed forging new paths and also finding new ramen stands to carbo-load at. Plus, the lines at said ramen stands would be short in the wee morning hours. So Naruto laced up his ninja equivalent to adidas and ran out the door.
He didn’t get far before he was intercepted by a young woman who owned a fresh produce stand on the outskirts of the village.
“Mr. Hokage!” She yelled as the orange flash approached.
Naruto stopped and grinned,
“Ah, yes! Hidden Leaf woman, fancy meeting you here!”
“Um, okay. I’m Yui.”
“What a wonderful name!”
“Thank you.” Yui said somewhat uncomfortably.
“So… I heard that you cut funding to our social welfare program. Is this true?” she asked, raising an eyebrown.
The golden-haired leader of the nation and savior of the world smiled widely and winked.
“Ah, yes, but don’t worry, ‘cause everyone is going to work together for the rest of their lives!”
Yui’s mouthed opened. She looked at Naruto with disbelief and then said slowly, “well, that’s a problem, Mr. Hokage – “
“My lord Hokage,” Naruto corrected her.
(Through gritted teeth) “That’s unreasonable Mr. LORD HOKAGE. What about the elders? Those who’ve worked for the village for all their lives, saving up and growing their nest eggs?”
“Ah, they’ll be fine! After all, I’m allocating the funds to the private companies and the millionaires, who through obvious logic, will lift up the poor and support the elderly through investing in smaller, less prestigious and frankly, less important businesses!” Naruto said with another wink.
“That’s not –“
“That’s not what, Ms. Yui?”
“….”
“And if you’re concerned about the new zoning measures, don’t worry! It’s only meant to keep out the Akatsuki (and people of color)
“What was that?” inquired Yui.
“Oh would you look at the time, gotta blast!” and Naruto booked it.
“That’s the wrong franchise!” Yui yelled.
But Naruto was already miles away.
--
Naruto came upon an empty stream at around 8 on his run. The water was cool and clear, and he could see little shuriken-shaped fish happily gorging on unnamed Village of Sound corpses in the depths. Light shone through the forgotten Konoha trees, which shimmered brilliantly in the morning sun. Birds flew overhead and were quickly gunned down by ferocious Hunger games-style Chunin.
“What a beautiful day, so peaceful, so secluded.” Said Naruto as he stretched and sat by the river.
“OHOHOHO! Look at what the fox dragged in!”
Naruto turned and was startled to see a depraved looking hermit, with white hair and ragged clothing standing behind him. The man drew closer and breathed on his neck.
“MMMMmmm! Is that, Diesel Only the Brave Wild?”
Naruto jumped back,
“No, it’s Kurama’s Musk! And WHO ARE YOU?” he yelled.
“Don’t you recognize your old pal?” asked the old man, who held open his arms ready for a hug.
Naruto squinted,
“Uh….”
“It’s me!” the soiled man wildly gesticulating now with his spindly arms, “Konohamaru!!!”
“Doesn’t ring any bells,” said Naruto.
“WHAT!? B-but, I’m…. you know – “And Konohamaru again drew closer.
“After the great ninja war, you told me to meditate deeply and practice every moment of every day to be like you. Well, I did! And I have been waiting for this moment to see you again and show you how much I’ve accomplished!” The now-pruned Sarutobi hobbled over to Naruto again.
Naruto was scared.
(nervously) “Hahahah! Ah, well, how could I have forgotten you… Ko-kaworu!” he said with the same amount of competence as Hercule from DBZ. “Show me what you got!”
“You got it!” Konohamaru beamed. This is it!This is my chance to win his approval. If I do this right, he’ll have to love me.
Konohamaru stood back and spread his legs apart. He pressed his hands together and yelled, “HAAAAH!”
A puff of smoke and then with a poof! The old Sarutobi had transformed into a piece of lead.
Naruto stared for what felt like hours.
He cleared his throat, “Ah, um, very good! Konami!” said Naruto with false praise.
“Very, uh, convincing.”
The stick of lead remained there, unmoving.
“Well, uh, what else do you want to show me?”
The lead laid on the ground.
Silence.
Naruto waited two minutes; Konohamaru didn’t move.
“…well, it was uh great catching up, Kimchi. But I’m gonna go now.”
And Naruto ninja fled as his former groupie lay on the earth, cold to the world, forever forsaken by humanity.
--
The last leg of Naruto’s run passed a large plot of undeveloped land, which he’d been eyeing for some time. While many of the villagers had asked that it be turned into farmland, the hokage believed that the influx of new families would want something more helpful – cramped and densely-packed apartments. Another opportunity for Naruto to make money, jack up property taxes and increase his total subordinate population. And, in Naruto’s eyes, increase his ninja family (and indentured servitude).
While measuring the space with his eyes, a little boy appeared on the road, with strange ring-like irisis and long black hair.
Naruto beamed and approached,
“Well, hello there son. What are you doing in these parts?”
The little boy stared and then spoke in a gaunt and metallic rasp,
“You promised me that you would change.”
Naruto was startled,
“Whoa, kid, you want a throat lozenge?” Naruto checked his pockets for cough drops.
The kid took Naruto’s hand,
“I chose to let go of my pain, to trust you, to believe in you.” The little boy looked Naruto in the eyes,
“But… you failed me. You failed Yahiko. You failed master Jiraiya. You abuse and corrupt people for your own personal gain. You have shown your true colors. You aren’t The Child of Prophesy. You are an arbiter of destruction. A pillar of hate. You are worse than Danzo.”
Naruto was shocked to see a little boy with such bad laryngitis and who used such strange words,
“Hey kid, in case you didn’t know, I defeated the creator of the universe and I have Jesus-like powers. I can take care of that throat soreness right now if you’ll let me!” Naruto approached.
The little Pain moved away.
“You betrayed all of us.”
And then the ghost swirled around Naruto, summoning fire and wind with his rage.
Naruto paused and then said in a calm voice,
“Kid, a great man once said, that sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain because life's greatest lessons are learned through pain.”
Nagato materialized in front of Naruto, cupping his face with his hands.
“Noooo, that’s…. that’s not what I believe anymore. I was wrong.”
Naruto smiled and put a hand on the child’s shoulder. He noticed a homeless man sleeping by a tree in the other side of the road. Naruto lifted Nagato’s chin and turned his head towards the man.
“Kid, do you see that man there?”
Nagato nodded.
“Well, some may say that that man has nothing, that I am far better off, that he’s suffering so much pain. But look at me. I’m the leader of the village, I am carrying a demon in my belly, and I have two good-for-nothing kids. I have so much burden on my shoulders. And while my father may have given me a small loan of 100 million yen, I am also trillions more in debt than that man.”
The hokage sighed,
“I know, it’s hard. Why do I do it? Why don’t I just leave my family or have many extramarital affairs? I love my family, great family, the best family, believe you me. They are true patriots. But, why did I settle for so little? It’s because I know that my plight, my pain, will lead me to better myself. My work will allow me to help others, because I know what’s it’s like to hurt, to feel alone, to feel pain.”
At this point, Naruto started to tear up, his voice quivering.
“I-I…. I just love my villagers so much. Gosh, and I want to do what’s best for them. But just remember kid, what separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate."
Nagato stared at Naruto as if he were a dillusional windbag, or the current leader of some real nation.
"Oh!" Naruto swiveled his head like an owl, "And puppies, I love those too! A-and Sasuke – I-I mean Sakura – I – I mean, MY WIFE.”
Nagato looked at Naruto in befuddlement and disbelief.
Naruto brushed away his tears and snot.
“Well! Boy, I feel better! Good talk!” and Naruto patted the boy on the back and ninja sped away.
Naruto made it home by 4pm, having gotten lost in the new maze of public housing projects that he had developed. He also got mugged and food poisoning at the ramen stand he ate at.
But his spirits were still high. In his 24th floor office room in his newly constructed skyscaper, Naruto looked at the city of Konoha with pride.
I’m gonna save the world, thought the delusion Shinobi, I’m gonna save everybody.