During
In the three years that Naruto had been gone, Sakura had not felt any sort of desire to set foot outside of the village.
Alright, so that may have been a lie. During her waking hours, she committed herself to aiding Lady Tsunade and Shizune in caring for their patients. The closest she came to admitting it was grumbling, during their busiest moments, that she was going to take off as her teammates had, threatening to do so until Tsunade snapped at her to stop it and pull herself together.
At night, it was a different story. She dreamed of flying through the forests surrounding their home, journeying far across the lands. Sometimes Naruto was by her side, and often Kakashi was too. It was always Sasuke that they were chasing, a black figure far ahead, unreachable, his clothes billowing with the force of the speed at which he moved. He was the only constant, besides the cool feeling of the air, the surprisingly quiet rustling noises of the leaves as they flitted past them.
But the thought of running- running, with no clear direction- never really crossed her mind until she was staggering in the heat with an elderly woman’s groceries grasped in her hands. Tsunade had asked her to get out and help the community. She could not believe that this constituted training. She thought she had left this sort of thing far behind as a genin.
She wiped at her forehead with the back of her hand, grimacing at the feeling of her hair plastered to her face with sweat, and set a bag down momentarily before they turned the corner onto the woman’s street.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of a figure strolling along the street up ahead, talking with someone: Kakashi.
Sakura waved a hand at him.
He tilted his head without slowing, regarding her for a second before waving back, and then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone, and Sakura was left staring at the spot he had vanished from.
It had been good, really, these past few years. Sakura had learned a lot from Tsunade and Shizune, and as much as she sometimes complained she never took the opportunity to help out around the village for granted. She had grown closer to Ino and Chouji, taking her chunin exams with them, and had gotten to know various other members of the village.
And yet… Sometimes, when she saw the others with their teams, she couldn’t help but feel lonely. Seeing Kakashi around was a rarity now, and Naruto had sent a few scrawled notes in handwriting so poor that she could barely understand in the beginning, until those had fizzled out too. Speaking to Sasuke was clearly out of the question.
“Are you feeling alright, dear?”, the elderly lady- Kazuko Dokuraku, the name sprang into her mind- asked, frowning up at her. She had a rather pugnacious face, Sakura thought, and for someone her age, combined with her knitted cardigan and walking stick, it was endearing.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Sakura bent down and picked up the bag she had let sink to the floor, fixing the woman a swift smile as she twined the handle about her fingers. “I just saw an old friend of mine.”
“Ahhh. Kakashi Hatake, yes?”, Kazuko asked, and Sakura started, her smile growing.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Hmm, he was your teacher, wasn’t he? Funny, really, how his new team could turn out so much like his old…”
Kazuko set off, keeping up a rapid pace as her stick thundered through the dusty street ahead of her. Sakura half-jogged to catch up, wincing at the feeling of the bags beating against her legs. “Like his old team?” Kakashi never mentioned any previous team although, Sakura supposed, he must have had one. She had never really given it much thought before. She knew it took hard work to become a jonin, but all the ones she knew- especially Kakashi- seemed as if they had been gifted with the knowledge from birth.
Sakura only just caught Kazuko nodding as she glanced up from untwisting the handles of the bags.
“You knew his old team?” That was interesting. They weren't far from where the lady had said she lived. Sakura wondered whether she might be invited to stay for a cool drink and to hear some stories.
Kazuko’s face split open in a grin. “Yes.”
“What were they like?”
“Oh, as I said, they were just like yours”, she chattered on, quite happy. “It’s spooky really, comparing you. That loud-mouthed little blond boy-”, Sakura interrupted her with a laugh before blinking an apology, “-is so much like the other one, the boy with the goggles. He never knew when to slow down or quiet down either. But he had a heart of gold and was always helping his grandma out. He was a good kid.”
Kakashi had had a teammate like Naruto? Somehow, Sakura couldn’t picture it.
The elderly woman finally opened the door, and they entered the house, Sakura following her through to a small and cluttered kitchen. The positioning of the windows meant that little sunlight entered, and the room was cold.
“And the Uchiha boy”, she continued, “well, he’s just like Kakashi was back then. Arrogant. Brilliant. But with a cold heart.”
Sakura shivered involuntarily. She had never really thought of that before. Never considered any similarities between Kakashi and Sasuke. It seemed ridiculous. But she supposed it was maybe true, once. The past was always out of touch like that.
Setting the groceries down on the kitchen counter she asked, before she could stop to think about whether it was a good idea of not; “And what about me?”
“Yes.” Kazuko was standing in the middle of the kitchen. Through milky pale eyes, she squinted at Sakura. “You do look a bit like her. And always running around after those boys.” She leaned in so close that Sakura caught whiffs of her rancid breath. “Mind you don’t end up like her, though.”
It was as though she had been plunged into an icy lake. She whispered; “What do you mean?”
“Well… I shouldn’t bring up old rumors.”
Sakura repeated; “What do you mean?”
“She was a sweet young girl. Too young, really, to go on those missions. Although you do all seem to be. Perhaps that is a sign of my age.” She stopped. “All I know for a fact is that she and Kakashi went out together… And only he came back. They say there were enemies but… People always talk, about the singe marks on her clothes, the hole punched right through her chest that had almost cauterized where it had been exposed to extreme heat.” Kazuko gave a shake of her head. “Too doting on those boys, she was.”
A sick feeling settled heavily in the bottom of Sakura’s stomach. “I- I have to go. Sorry”, she choked out.
Backing away from the kitchen, she found herself racing out of the front door.
As she left, she heard the woman muttering to herself; “Yes, you’re just like her.”
*
That night, Sakura had a nightmare. She was in the forest, once again, chasing Sasuke. Naruto was by her side. Only this time, Sasuke turned, launching himself towards them, swift as silent as a bird's wing in the night, and Naruto fell. When he turned his sights on Sakura, eyes red and bleeding, she was unable to move. Frozen. Frantically, she cried out for help, and it was with relief that she saw Kakashi at the edge of her vision, standing among the shadowy trees. Except, instead of rushing to save them as he had once done, he watched them silently, ignoring her cries for help.
She woke up sweating.
*
It was a couple of days later that Sakura spent the morning hauling bags of compost and dirt across a courtyard at the Hokage residence for Tsunade. Ino was supposed to be coming to plant some fresh flowers soon, and Sakura had promised to help by getting things started.
Only as she wiped the sweat from her brow and tipped her head back to the sky, huffing a tired breath, did she realize that Kakashi was watching at the edge of the yard. She wondered how long he had been standing there.
“Hi”, he said, waving one hand casually. The creases around his eyes suggested that he was smiling. "Sorry I couldn't stop and chat the other day. You seemed busy, too."
The air was still warm and muggy although the sun was tucked away behind the clouds, yet Sakura felt the same icy cold feeling creeping in her veins.
She wanted to respond, truly; yet, as she tried, she found she couldn’t look at him.
Hurriedly she turned her back, reaching for another bag.
She wondered if he knew the silence around them felt awkward for her. He probably did. It seemed like Kakashi knew everything. A couple of years ago it had been equal parts impressive and frustrating. Now it made her feel disquieted. Did Kakashi know what she was thinking?
Eventually, he spoke.
“You’re getting stronger every time I see you. It’s scary.”
“Someone told me”, she said eventually.
“About what?” And he sounded genuinely confused.
Sakura took a deep breath, fiddling with the sack in her hands to ensure it was knotted properly at the top before she hauled it up over her shoulder. “About the friend you killed.”
She finally turned to face him, afraid of the reaction she would find there.
To her surprise- and admitted relief- his eye was wide, but otherwise his casual stance hadn’t changed.
“Oh”, he said, almost monotone, and then; “What happened?”
“I was speaking with a woman who knew your team”, she began; her tone grew increasingly uneven the longer she spoke, “She told me about them. About the boy with the goggles who died. And the girl. She said you killed her. I didn’t want to believe it but it’s true, isn’t it? You did just what Sasuke tried to do.”
There was a pause in which she dumped the bag of compost onto the other side of the yard, close to the empty flowerbeds.
After a long beat of silence, Kakashi said; “Sakura. You don't know the full story.”
“What full story? You decided to teach a team with a girl who looks like the girl you were in love with, the one you killed, now that you regret what you did? That’s fucked up, Kakashi, and you know it.” Normally she wouldn’t swear, especially around adults, but now her fists were trembling, and she was gritting her teeth so hard her jaw ached.
She wanted to trust Kakashi: She really did. But he had abandoned her, abandoned Sasuke, abandoned their team. And what Kazukoo had told her only made too much sense. Sakura had always been more observant than others gave her credit for: She had seen the way Kakashi visited the memorial for the war dead, had read the names on the graves that he had visited. Had heard the guilt in his voice as he spoke about comrades. It was only now that it all started to fall into place.
Of course, she knew Kakashi was not a murderer. She didn't doubt that he was loyal to the village, that it had been some kind of necessary sacrifice or, or- perhaps she, this dead girl, had been a pawn that had gotten in the way of a larger battle. Still, he had gone against his own words, the ones that bound them as a team. How could they value the lives of their comrades above all when the man who had professed such values to them had killed one of his own?
Somewhere over her shoulder, he said; “I didn’t love her. She was my friend. And I didn’t mean to kill her.”
Sakura forced out the words: “But you did kill her.”
“We were surrounded by enemies, that day. I don’t want to talk too much about it, but she had been- well, if she went back to the village, it would have put everybody in danger.” She finally turned to him, wondering. He hadn’t moved. “Sakura, I want you to trust me: It was an accident.”
“An accident?”
“She was doing what she thought was best. To protect the village. She was brave that way.”
Sakura stared at him. She wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.
Turning away, Kakashi made his way over to a stone bench on the verge of the courtyard not far from where Sakura stood. He took a seat and hunched over, looking down at his hands. Quietly, he said; “You did remind me of her.”
She felt her face contort as she stepped further away from him, and Kakashi glanced up hurriedly, his one visible eye widening.
“In the beginning, when I saw the three of you together, I could only see me and my old teammates. You don’t really look like her, but you were the sensible one, the one who tried to get them to work together and help people. Just like her. But… There were more differences. She was calm and methodical, you were…” He laughed a little. Drawing in a deep breath, Sakura moved silently across to sit at the other end of the bench.
Kakashi continued; “Passionate. Determined. You were ready to physically fight for what you cared for. She was more like our teacher in that she always sought peaceful resolutions. I did see a little of her in you when I found out you wanted to train with Tsunade… She was a medic, too, and she would have loved…” His voice trailed away and he turned to face her. “I didn’t choose to put you on a team with Naruto and Sasuke. When I saw the three of you together, I saw my old team, and I wish they hadn’t. But you’re not her, Sakura. I knew that from the start. And now I’m glad they did. Even if things seem difficult, your destinies will not be the same as those that befell my friends. I will make sure of that.” He looked away again, across the courtyard. “I’m happy you’re my student and my teammate.”
Sakura swallowed, letting the words sink in. And then, she leaned over to rest one hand on her teacher's arm.
“And your friend”, she reassured quietly. She half-expected him to pull away but they sat like that, in silence, for a minute or so before Sakura withdrew her hand and stood up. She felt as though the buzzing that had ricocheted in her head had calmed slightly.
Kakashi looked up at her, squinting against the sun.
“But you really came here to help me out with these bags, right?”, she teased, hands on her hips.
He scratched at the back of his head. “Ah. I…”
“Just kidding.” Sakura let out a shuddering breath and smirked. “Go back inside. Tsunade probably wants you for something.”
It was with a mocking salute that Kakashi vanished, leaving Sakura to return to her gardening.