Ways that Cauldron Tried (or Failed) to Follow the Evil Overlords List...
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
Glen Chambers: Showing part of your face will help humanize you! The last thing you want is to appear like a faceless horde to the masses!
Alexandria: I suppose, if we're careful, that secret identities can be managed with presentation and some theater tricks. But what about the PRT Trooper uniform designs?
Glen Chambers: Not my department.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
*Miniature tornados fill the conference room*
Eidolon: What the hell is going on?
Doctor Mother: The Custodian is upset about the new security upgrades for the base. She apparently enjoyed crawling through the air ducts in her spare time.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Hero: Hello, guys? My emergency stasis pod with long term healing attachment finally kicked in. Can you open the cold storage door and let me out already?
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
Alexandria: Legend, what the hell?!
Legend: I'm sorry, but I do not feel comfortable attacking a child.
Alexandria: He's a narcissistic ten year old that prevents anyone from attacking him up close and likes to drug and strangle his enemies! Grow a pair!
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
Doctor Mother: Alright, the base is secured and obscured by hundreds of Case 53's, so Scion should avoid it. Now, how about the latest vial order for Accord?
Contessa: It was intercepted by the Merchants in Brockton Bay.
Doctor Mother: Was that supposed to be a part of the plan?
Contessa: Sure, let's go with that.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
Alexandria: Prepare to die, Jack!
Jack Slash: Really? But I have a friend I want to introduce you to.
*Siberian to the face!*
OR
Alexandria: You seem to be running out of allies Skitter.
Taylor: And you get ALL THE SPIDERS!
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
Contessa: Another blind spot has been resolved.
Number Man: What did that one do again? You know, other than obscure the Path to Victory?
Contessa: Does it matter?
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
Rebecca Costa-Brown (Wasting away in a cancer ward.): This may kill me, but if it doesn't, I'll owe you a favor?
Doctor Mother: Yes, but we can go into details later.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
Legend: Alright, why the hell is nothing in this damn place labeled? It's just endless white corridors everywhere! I keep getting lost whenever I don't use Doormaker!
Contessa: So just use Doormaker. That's what the rest of the cool kids do.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
Random Flunky: Hah, you will never get me to talk, you stupid bitch!
Alexandria: Door to Earth Chet.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
Number Man: I do not like our chances if Faultline actually manages to gather actionable Intel.
Doctor Mother: Faultline is a mercenary that we can direct with proxies and false leads at will. In the meantime, she is a valuable resource and allows us access to several excellent assets without anyone being the wiser.
Number Man: Fine, but if they get too close, Contessa takes care of it.
Doctor Mother: Sure, that should work out well.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
Doctor Mother: Okay, that is what the Path to Victory says should happen. What do you personally think Contessa.
Contessa: I think the Path is our best tool to survive Scion.
Doctor Mother: Given it's sheer flexibility, I cannot see how that sort of attitude could ever come back to bite us!
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
Legend: How careful were your people when policing the bodies? We don't want any surprises now that Bonesaw is an official member of the Nine.
Protectorate Leader: Sir, I assure you we did our best. But given the gruesome way the enemy was killed, we can't account for every single drop of blood involved. That would just be ridiculous.
Legend: Well, it's not like Bonesaw could do anything with just a genetic sample. Cloning is not even her speciality!
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
*Contessa raises a gun*
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
Number Man: Good old paper and pencil. You know how to get the job done!
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
Alexandria: Didn't we need some of their information to properly prepare our next plan?
Contessa: I got them talking during our confrontation. It made getting around their defenses much easier.
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Alexandria: So the Precog told you this would be the best chance you would have to bring in Skitter. But that you would probably die horribly?
Director Tagg: Yes, but the numbers were so low, it's not really worth worrying about.
Alexandria: Sounds legit to me! Now, why don't we arrange to entrap a teenager into indentured servitude where she belongs?
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
Alexandria: I'm fairly sure I can't have children anymore.
Doctor Mother: No thank you. Humanity comes first.
Number Man: It is not the right time.
Contessa: Nope.
Eidolon: I devote myself to the fight against Scion and nothing else!
Legend: ...You guys think you can judge me? Really?
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Alexandria: Could I just adopt Skitter? Given her taste in men, and prior experience with rugged heroes, I don't think we would have anything to worry about.
Doctor Mother: I effectively raised Contessa. Once was enough.
Contessa: Nope.
Number Man: Definitely not the right time.
Eidolon: I devote myself to the fight against Scion and nothing else! Plus relationships scare me.
Legend: Does my occasional urge to introduce Panacea to Flechette count?
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
Alexandria: Contessa, what the hell!?
Contessa: Path to getting the last apple fritter before Eidolon, complete.